My life is a bloody mess

[MarinaSweden]

Dear all. I have been a member here since I think, last summer. I am 49 yrs.
By then, I was married, a marriage that was in trouble, but not to the point we were about to break up. I was depressed. I thought that my wife was so mean to me since a couple of years back. Especially every time we had had sex. For me that is the moment when I am the least mean. Meaning, I had such problems understanding why she was.
I have been a cross dresser since childhood. I told my wife this when we met. She didn't like it so I have tried to quit, but obviously failed so many times and hated myself for it. This I beleive have made me very vulnerable to criticism from her side. I think my low self asteam combined with here being so tough on me led me to my state of depression.

Anyway, I pushed her after being encouraged by my psychiatrist to start accepting this side of me, but that just made the conflict between us bigger. Finally in december we agreed to split up. I found a house and bought it. I moved out in february, but I still had hope that my wife would miss me when i was gone, as I missed her (and the kids) so very much. In march, I begged her to take me back. I was willing to do anything, stop crossdressing and much more. Just to get back in her life. I didn't get a straight answer then, so I kept on hoping. I hated being alone I truly hate it still. I still love her for some reason.
So the date came when we had a meeting with a family therapist. I had hoped that going there and talking about our problems could show us a way to get back together. But the day before, my wife finally gave me notice that we were never going to get back together. Ok, that was a tought one, but in a way, I felt releived. Why? Well I have always considered marriage being for life. For better or for worse was no joke to me. This was worse, I am sick with depression. We have had many years of better. Now she is the one ending it, not me. Sort of made me feel I was anyway not the one to break the promise we gave to each other back in 1992.

Now, if you have stayed with me this far, I am getting closer to the point.
Last friday, I came to the old house to pick up my daughter. She had a problem with her iphone. So i started working on it. I had to receive a mail to get instructions how to go about it. So, I opened the old laptop from my past. Opened hotmail. Didn't think so much about that I got in to it without entering email address or password. I was a bit stressed just by being there.
Then I saw a mail I hadn't noticed before. It was from a man named Kenneth. Ok, I have missed that one I thought and opened it to see what it was before I started working on the iphone.
Can you imagine my surprise when it was a mail to my wife (yes it was her mailbox I opened, she also have hotmail) where this man described the time they have had togehter since 2011. How it all started with him kissing her on her neck etc. and how many times they have made love. Ok so now I understand what she had been doing to friday evening she said she would go to see a movie with friends. AW, trips to their office in another town.

Now I was in a state of chock. So many emotions hit me. Everyting was blurry. I don't remember how I managed to get my daughter to school. I probalby shouldn't have taken the car but I was just mind blown. I confronted her in a SMS and told her I never wanted to see her or be in contact with her again.

The incredible thing is, after I understood she would never let me back in her life again, I started to see women in a way I had not done since 1989 (when we met). I never during the time we were together been interested in any other woman. Almost in desperation, I asked a woman out to dinner, a woman I liked but barely knew. We had decided to meet that very same friday when I found out my wifes unfaithfullness.
It turned out that we had a wonderful time. I liked her alot, and strangely enough, she liked me too. So we met again sunday for lunch. We met again wednesday for dinner and then yesterday and I am really in love. I can say that she is in love with me even though no one should trust my judgement after being decieved for such a long time.

So my emoutions are so mixed now. I don't love my wife after what se did to me (well ok, I do, but I understand I must stop that), but I am so sad over the fact that I got so humiliated, so deceived, by the one person in this world that wasn't supposed to treat me that way.
On the other hand, I am quite in love with this new woman and I can't wait to see her again. I am really scarred that the emotions I have now and the emotions she is showing won't last. In a way, she has brought self asteam baack to me and I do believe that someone can love me, but I hope she is the real deal.

She was at my house this saturday. She came to me around 2PM. I had been away mountainbiking with friends before that. She stayed till around 10PM when I drove her home. We went for walk in the beautiful surroundings where I live. We had dinner at a nice restaruant by the sea. I had hoped she would spend the night, but she thinks it is to soon. Which I guess it is. Anyway, we had a wonderful day together. Both of us had serious troubles calling it a day.

So why am I posting this? Well I need to just get it off my chest. Even though I have discussed this part with other freinds. But now the big question. Should I tell her about my crossdressing? Before she came to my house, I put away all my femaled clothes, shoes and wigs. And I have a lot now. I just can't stand the idea that she would't want to see me again. But on the other hand, I am totally incapable of deceiving someone I care so much about. God damn it how difficult this is.

[Di]

First off if the relationship is just payback because you were hurt that's not fair to the new woman.

But if you do find yourself in a relationship and when it starts to be serious you MUST tell her and explain it.... It's something you've done since young, you are the same person, you do not want to become a woman ect ect ect. And have them understand it.( have books, this site,info ready)
And most important
DO NOT SAY YOU WILL STOP
It is part of you and does not have to be a big deal.

[Mykaa]

Ok I see a lot of similarities hear that resonate with me, you cannot change who/what you are, that took me a long time to figure out, I spent the last 7 years being miserable because my ex was still at least somewhat controlling me, the best thing you can do is let go of these "bad feelings", I think some professional help would be in your best interest. Yes my ex cheated on me too, yes even though she "knew" about me for almost 1/2 the time we were together. You have to face up to you for starters. Its also not fair if your being with someone to "not be alone", so I think it would be best to start figuring some of these things out, dont you? I think if your new friend truly cares about you, she might just accept this part of you, there are no guarantee's with anything, thats life. I had a friend tell me 1 time, "theres only 1 person in your life you can control, thats you"
Marina I wish you the best of luck with this, I really do. Doing the right thing isnt always the easy thing either.

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Marina,

Sorry to hear about your marriage breaking up. Knowing your wife has cheated on you is a horrible thing. You don't deserve that - whether or not your dressing contributed to it. But it's great that you've met someone.

Should you tell your new GF about your dressing? In my view - definitely. Having to hide something that is a big part of you is not a nice thing and it's not fair on your new GF. I told by wife recently and it was such a weight off much chest. Of course, if you tell, there's a risk that your new GF will end the relationship.

As to whether you tell now or a little later is a very difficult one and I don't know the answer, even if there is a right one. Some will tell you that you should tell straight away. However, do you trust her enough not to tell others and then 'out' you? You barely know her. Others will say wait for a while until it's obvious that the relationship is committed. But is this fair on your GF? Telling early may mean it's more likely that she ends the relationship.

On balance, if it was me, I would wait until the relationship is more established. Yes, I know it's not fair on your GF, but the only reason I say this is based on my recent experience of coming out to my wife. I told my wife three months ago and fortunately she accepted my dressing. However, if I had told her at the beginning of our relationship, she believes that she would have ended it, even though we were really keen on eachother. This means we wouldn't have had a wonderful 20 year marriage with two amazing kids. She wouldn't have concluded that my dressing is not that big deal compared to our marriage and our love for eachother. For her, looking back, that would have been a mistake. (As it happens, I've only been dressing for the last 1.5 years after a break that stretches back to before we met so this is all hypothetical.)

No doubt, you'll get lots of opinions, but the most important one is it's your choice. You'll live with the consequences, good or bad.

Whatever you choose, I wish you luck. I hope it all works out well.

Sarah

[Mollyanne]

You have got some serious issues here not to mention the cross dressing. My suggestion to you is for you to see a therapist in order to resolve what is deep down inside you. I totally understand your feelings of betrayal and mistrust but this could spill over to your new relationship, which BTW should be taken slowly. Affairs of the heart are NEVER an easy road to walk especially considering your circumstances. When you see a therapist, honesty will help you make important decisions.

Your X-Dressing is a part of you that will probably NEVER go away. You could at some point "probe" your new love interest by asking her how she would react to anyone who could be a X-Dresser, this would guide you in either telling her or not.

Best of luck to you.

Molly

[MarinaSweden]

First off if the relationship is just payback because you were hurt that's not fair to the new woman.



I agree, but this is not the case. My meeting this new woman the same day I found out about my wife is purely coincidental. I made the decition to try to move on before that. It is in no way at all any payback and even though I do not want to be alone, I came to the conclusion after being that for a month or so, that since I anyway want to find someone to live my life with, why not start now? So I opened my eyes again towards women.

And - I have been seing several psychiatrics and therapists these last almost two years. I still think it is difficult to find out what is wrong. First i thought it was just the crossdressing that led me to a feeling of being less worth that anyone else. Now I feel that is only one of my reasons.

I beleive that I have to tell her. There are pathological liars, I think I am pathologically open. Almost all women say to me that they have never experienced this in a man, maybe it is the female part of me that makes me that? I know I will have such a difficult time hiding this part of my self.

[IamWren]

Marina, I am so very sorry to hear of the hurtful things that have happened during your long marriage. I have been cheated on and found out about it in a surprising way similarly to you. I an so sorry. I completely understand the hurt and pain that can come from being deceived, having your trust abused and mistreated from the one you trusted the most.

I think though that you need to slow things down with the new woman in your life. If I'm reading your post correctly it was just about a month to six weeks ago that you were still hopeful that you would get back together with your wife. And it has only been a week since you went on your first date with the new woman in your life.

Think about what that sounds like. If you read about one of sisters here saying she just got out of a tumultuous marriage of 24 yrs, had been separated for four months, had still been holding out hope to reconcile just four to six weeks ago and went on a first date a little more than a week ago and is saying love is in the air... what would your advice be.

Sweetie, cool the engines. Slow things down. Continue to talk to a therapist and wait to tell this new woman until a solid foundation for a relationship has been set.

Wishing you all the best,
Sayyidah

[ChristinaK]

Hi Marina,

I'm very sorry about your marriage. But, life goes on as you have discovered. Sometimes it gets much better than before.

Should you tell your girlfriend? I'm on my third wife and I'm sure that the last two would not have happened if I had told them before marriage. Once I did tell them, we negotiated a DADT relationship with some exceptions, like panties, etc.

Did I deceive them? No, I chose to hide that side of me, but did not lie to them. If you want to tell her, you may want to wait until you're fairly certain you won't scare her off.

In marriage, there are many negotiations that must be made. Quite often you find out your partners issues after marriage and you deal with them. Granted, CDing is a big one, but doesn't have to be depending on how much you're into it and how much you want her involved.

Good luck and I hope you the best. I haven't been to Sweden, but have been to Norway many times. If it's close to the same, you are lucky to live in such a fantastic place.

[Di]

I agree, but this is not the case. My meeting this new woman the same day I found out about my wife is purely coincidental.
Glad to hear that!
And - I have been seing several psychiatrics and therapists these last almost two years. I still think it is difficult to find out what is wrong. First i thought it was just the crossdressing that led me to a feeling of being less worth that anyone else. Now I feel that is only one of my reasons.
elf.
I hope you learn that cding is not wrong and glad you are starting to see its not a reason for you to feel less than.
So if you decide this new woman IS THE ONE and not someone so you do not want to be alone .... Explain it all to her.... Everyone should have someone to love all of them. And glad you are seeing someone so you can accept yourself... That is prob the first step. Best Wishes

[MarinaSweden]

I agree, it sounds a bit crazy. But I think rather than my new relationship, my wish to go back to my wife was the desperate attempt to not be alone. I have true feeelings for this new woman. I think she is beautiful, sexy, funny and it seems we like very much the same things. But obviously it will take a while before I and she can be sure.

aBoyNamedSue, can you please share your story with me? I really would like to know.



I think though that you need to slow things down with the new woman in your life. If I'm reading your post correctly it was just about a month to six weeks ago that you were still hopeful that you would get back together with your wife. And it has only been a week since you went on your first date with the new woman in your life.

Think about what that sounds like.
Sayyidah

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marina :hugs: , I did manage to make it all the way through your story, I didn't see the affair your wife was having coming.

Putting all your things away will not work, You need to be upfront with this new lady and if it doesn't work out then
that will be the best thing for both of you...:daydreaming:...

[Jaylyn]

Marina, I'm not certified to be giving any advice except thru my experiences and life itself. I'm thinking that any relationship needs to be built on trust, truth, and love. Maybe even in that order. I can give examples of that in my own life. I had put any thoughts off of ever dressing again when I met the woman of my dreams at 19 years old. We knew we were meant in Gods eyes to be together. Every part of our being was in love with each other. We both fell hard in love. True love and wanted to know every detail of each other's lives to the point of our meeting. At the time I was close to finishing college, and she was just in her second year. We were in love, in heat, and looking to a future together. We married after only knowing each other for one year. Not many secrets we had in our past had not been discussed. We enjoyed each other's company and knew we were what I call soul mates. She knew I loved watching her apply her makeup and she knew I enjoyed from time to time painted her nails and toes. We were in college together and paying our own way. My point is that I waited till we were in the right moment, right mind set of love and told her I enjoyed the feeling of smooth panties, hose and just adored how she looked in them. I told her that I used to wear moms and they turned me on. I just laid everything out. I assured her that it wasn't greater than my love for her though. I wanted her to know everything before we tied any knot that could not be undone, said any vows I would regret, and be united as one. This has worked for me, it might not work in every circumstance but I feel honesty is always the best policy. She in return knew that I had a fondness and enjoyed wearing women's things long before we were married. Our love for each other now knows no limits. We've been married 45 years. That's my example of what to do that worked for me. I don't let dressing consume me and let my love for her do that still today. I enjoy though my dressing time but don't take it to extremes. She does not want me to go out dressed, I agreed to that. I have a few things I don't want her to do also and she agreed to that. One is I love seeing her dressed in beautiful things and we have a regular date night we still go out and eat a dinner each week. I live thru her and she has become a very helpful partner in my desire for the smoother underdressing styles. She doesn't mind me in her makeup and we have even dressed together in matching outfits but I know my limits and we are happy as we both agree. There are things I wonder about and think I am missing but the one thing I am not missing is a faithful, beautiful wife, that loves me. Marriage is a litlle give and take. We all would be better off to realize that from the wife to the crossdresser. Didn't mean to write a book just showing you that real true love has to be unconditional with truth honesty and most of all still somewhat flexible. True love is not difficult, but can be trying from time to time.
I wish for you the best and hope that you find what you need in this new GG friend.

[MarinaSweden]

A beautiful story Jaylyn. Nothing is as fine as genuine love. I envy you.

I know I did love my wife before. Yes in the same way as you describe your love for your wife. I can tell you, withour limits. I would have died for her. Obviously she didn't have the same feelings for me and her being unfaithful killed off any love I had left for her. I know I don't love my new compagnion yet. I am IN love but to love someone, you have to know that person longer than this.

I have for a time now been able to fully dress every day. Yes it is wonderful, but I have come to the conclusion that finding a woman to love, who loves me, is more important. So, if I manage to stop crossdressing, is it to lie if I don't tell her what I used to do? Is it crazy to think that I have to choose between a woman and wearing womens clothes? And that I would be able to choose the woman?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Marina, good to read from you again, even though your news is tragic.

But is it tragic? Isn't it better that the truth is out in the open, because now you can understand so much better why your wife has been acting so hostile towards you?

And if not for the tragedy, you would not have met this new person and found the feeling of happiness again?

But to answer your question, should you tell her about the CDing? - you have already answered it yourself:

"I am totally incapable of deceiving someone I care so much about."

Yes, you risk losing her, but you risk far more in the long term by not telling her now.

I wish you the very best of luck with her reaction.

[Alice Torn]

You are ery vulnerable aat this time. It is NEVER WISE, to jump right into a new relationship, immediately! you need to be alone, for some time, a recovery period. Please, do not have sex, or get serious with this new woman right away! Just be platonic friends, for a while, then tell her of your CDing. Too many people think they have to be in a relationship, right away after a breakup! It takes courage, to walk alone! Depending on women too much is a weakness too many of us men have. I have learned that i do not need a sexual relationship, and i have learned to walk alone. Give it a year before seeking a serious relationship. That is what wise counselors have said. Jumping into bed with another women you hardly know is anothe mess.

[Dana44]

One thing I wanted to point out is that a real fast love is called the rebound love and those typically won't last and you will get hurt again. Alice is right, you need to walk alone and find yourself and possibly enjoy your crossdressing and really find yourself. Then find a new love.

[Tracii G]

You never mentioned if your divorce was final.
The new lady needs to know all about your CDing so get it out there,if she can't deal with it let her go.
Don't feel like you have to be in a relationship with a woman. I have guy friends that feel there is something wrong with them if they don't have a GF.
They tend to date endlessly and never seem happy.
My two ex wives cheated on me too so I know how bad that feeling is. You feel used, hurt,deceived all that stuff most of all an idiot for not seeing it as it was happening.
I think its wise not to jump into a rebound romance as Alice said.
Take some time for yourself and regain some sanity in your life.

[heatherdress]

Maria - I am very sorry about your pain and hardships. I experienced similar abuse from my first spouse and tolerated it for many years. But I assure you, there can be much joy and happiness ahead. The first steps are to heal from your past marriage - the abuse and the shock of learning abo[U]t your wife's infidelity. If you want your new relationship to have success, or any future relationship, you have to give yourself time to heal.

Focus on yourself. Examine your low self esteem and why you tolerated an abusive relationship. Get healthy yourself - mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Get help. Get a medical check up. Maintain your physical fitness. Stay busy. Cultivate friendships - buddies. Do activities you enjoy. Focus on you - or you will have problems with any new relationship.

You may not want to hear this, but I also met someone immediately after leaving my ex-wife. I believed she was perfect but I did not realize I was not. I focused on pleasing her and trying to develop a new relationship. I was in love with the feelings and thoughts of being in love, but I was not emotionally able to develop a genuine, deep, healthy relationship. I needed time to heal. My new relationship was initially successful, passionate and fun - but only lasted a short period of time. I did get help from a therapist, made important changes in my life, became much more self-aware, and then found a woman who I have married and am very happy with. She loved me for me, not because I was lonely and available. She also, by the way, totally accepts crossdressing and wants me to be happy as fulfilled.

If you care for this new woman, take your time. Do not share your sadness and burden her. Focus on your strengths and have happy dates. Go slow. Do not rush into a serious commitment. Let her learn to know the real you, as you heal the real you. And do not tell her about your crossdressing until you are confident that she understands what a good person you are, all that you have to offer her in a relationship, and when you can answer her questions and provide assurances that she may need to insure she is more important than your dressing.

You can be very happy, Marina. Good luck.

[ClosetED]

Sorry to hear about your wife and glad you found someone new.
You wonder if you should tell the new woman about your crossdressing - Yes!
You should know by now the desire will never go away. You are seeing this woman but still dressing at home. Do not promise you will quit, but you can work with her to find a level that may work for both. As you are lonely, even if she can't tolerate a spouse who crossdressers, maybe she would tolerate a girlfriend to go to dinner and other outings who she gets along with. And from there, maybe tolerance will build. There are options to claiming to quit forever.
If she is accepting of the crossdressing you really win, but still take it slow. If she is willing, then let her set the pace.
Hugs, Ellen

[Jenny22]

Marina, take it slow and easy. Heatherdress gave some very sage advice worth your consideration.

[Leelou]

Marina, sorry about the marriage. I agree with those that have given cautionary advice about jumping into a rebound relationship. From what I can tell, the breakup of the marriage has been so recent that I'd doubt that the divorce has even been filed, let alone finalized. I'm surprised she's even willing to consider dating you since it's so recent.

I also agree that Heather gave some great advice.

Please understand that our caution is given in friendly support. Best wishes!

[Patrica Gil]

After thirty plus years of marriage she left me for someone else. I was away taking care of a parent who was ill and about to pass. Coming back from that I found she had met someone else and decided to leave me. I had lost everything during the fall of the economy so she took the easy way out which was to leave me.
Got thru the hurt ASAP then decided to move forward with life. Definitely made some changes and choices as well. Decided to come clean with anyone who wanted to get involved with me. Best decision ever. Some left skid marks while others only became better friends. Than one day someone actually didn’t run away. She stayed and took a chance on me. What did it mean?
It meant no more hiding, telling lies, or pretending to be someone that just isn’t me. Also meant a drawer full of panties that we both share. Dresses that do belong to me, and a frame of mind that is so normal to me. Like when you wear a dress you should wear nylons, and definitely heels that match my outfits. Shopping trips where you can actually say whether you like something or not. Like I’d wear that dress out dancing, and I have the shoes for it.
Sure getting passed it all took a little time, but it is not impossible. Time passed before meeting someone special and made a lot of friends. Oddly quite a few ladies love going shopping with me. Been told more than once how I am so much one of the girls. Take your time and learn to live again. First be happy with yourself before including another person. Besides you have a lot of shopping to catch up on.

[Rhonda Darling]

Marina. I offer a bit of practical advice. You need to assume that your ex-wife will attempt to sabotage you by telling anyone you're with about your crossdressing. You need to take the proverbial preemptive strike and let her know. Follow the abundant advice available here on how to tell her, but don't let your Ex have an upper hand.

Rhonda

[Lena]

Maybe I'm in the minority on this but I'm not sure you need to rush to tell the new interest about CD.

It's one of those things that you will have to reveal if the relationship goes that far but I don't think it's deceiving to be protective. Think of it like family. How long do you date someone before you have to introduce them to family? Not to be crude but another example comes to mind. You don't pass gas in the car on the first date but that doesn't mean you don't do it.... OK, bad example

But what I'm saying is revealing a shock too early could run her off. When she is just meeting, she's judging you and judging the relationship. It would be easier for her to walk when there's no strings but when there is a relationship, the issue becomes one of the pros and cons.

But what do I know.

[mechamoose]

Truth is truth. Desire is desire.

I don't care if you are het or gay, cross or tragically normal. All this sh!t comes down to truth and honesty.

I'm 52, on my second marriage. I'm not quite "normal". Cripes. You have the room to be yourself without someone else validating you. (I need to tell myself that frequently )

What you related sucks. I'm sorry. }:(

- MM

[giuseppina]

First, I am sorry to hear of your issues with a dissolving marriage. I agree with the advice posted above, including that your ex may try to sabotage any new relationships.

Second, it's time to hire a lawyer. There's often a lot of nonsense that happens in a dissolving marriage. It is in your favour that you don't instigate or respond in kind, as the judge will see through it if it comes to going to court.

Continuing counselling for the time being is a good plan. Your ex's betrayal of trust is something that needs processing over time. It's too soon to get into another serious relationship. Give yourself significant time to heal, like six months or more.

Crossdressing is not an acceptable excuse for cheating, IMHO.

[IamWren]

Maybe I'm in the minority on this but I'm not sure you need to rush to tell the new interest about CD.
Not to be crude but another example comes to mind. You don't pass gas in the car on the first date but that doesn't mean you don't do it.... OK, bad example.

I don't think it's a bad example at all. In fact I think it's a perfect way of saying Marina should hold off on telling this new woman about his CDing. Which is another way of saying you're not the only one who thinks she shouldn't say a thing at all about CDing right now.

Marina I do hope you heed the advice many of our fellow CD sisters have given.

Hugs,
S

[MarinaSweden]

Thank you for all your good advise as well as the warm feelings you give me. It is important to me. Sometimes, it is difficult to express your self in another language, and sometimes it is difficult to understand. I realized that I don't think this new woman is "funny", I suppose she is "fun" ? And i didn't quite get the metaphore about putting gas in the car.

Well that aside, the thing with my marriage is that we decided already in november that I should move out. Last time we had sex was in august. So even though it took a couple of months to find a house I wanted to buy, my process didn't start when i found out about my wife cheating on me. My fear of being alone and also concern for my children made me want to stay in this unhealthy marriage. That don't in any way mean she didn't hurt med deeply, down to the bone when I found out.

So about telling or not telling. I think maybe the best is to wait a bit so I can see where this relationship is going. But that I have to let her in on my secret sooner or later. Like someone said, you will not present her to your mother, sisters and brothers at this point. But I know we have no future if she decpises me for who I am. But even if i actually do think it is unfair, I will keep it to myself if she don't like it.

I haven't dressed since before the first time we met. But yesterday, oh how much I yearned to put on a dress, nylons and some high heels.

PS. I have always thought that being cheeted on by your since long time wife would be the ultimate blow, humiliation and the worst thing someone can do to another person. I wondered how i would react. Would I actually use violence? Would I beat her up? To tell you the truth, even though I am not in any way a violent man, I wasn't sure. But that was in theory when I never expected it to happen to me. Now I know that I didn't. What happened was that I was in a state of chock. My sight were blurry. I had a big trouble taking it in. I cried so much. But I now know I will never be violent to woman, no matter what. That is at least something I have learned about myself.

[ReineD]

I have for a time now been able to fully dress every day. Yes it is wonderful, but I have come to the conclusion that finding a woman to love, who loves me, is more important. So, if I manage to stop crossdressing, is it to lie if I don't tell her what I used to do? Is it crazy to think that I have to choose between a woman and wearing womens clothes? And that I would be able to choose the woman?

Yes, it is a lie, because you will not stop crossdressing permanently. You yourself said that you've been struggling with this since childhood. How long did it take for the urges to return after you married your wife. And how long did it take for the urges to be so strong that you felt you had to leave so you could dress freely. The relationship with your new love will not make the CDing stop indefinitely - we've had a lot of members over the years say that although the urge to dress seemed to disappear when they were first in love and beginning relationships with beautiful and smart women, this only lasted a few years.

It is best to tell now and take a chance, than get deeper into the relationship only to discover in the future that she does not approve. Also if you do tell her, please don't make it sound less than what it is, else you are creating problems for yourself down the line. If the need to dress on a daily basis is the level that you are comfortable at now, she should know because this is the level that you chance returning to eventually.

On a slightly different note, I read a bit about Sweden's general attitudes towards LGBT. Your country is one of the most progressive with regards to gay rights. It is also progressive in supporting transition, but it had a terribly repressive practice that only ended a few years ago, which was to require everyone seeking transition to undergo sterilization. So I'm wondering how well society in general accepted people who transcend the gender barriers, if they insisted they should not have children. The laws did change a few years ago and transitioners are now legally able to have children, but culturally, do people in general still believe it is undesirable to transition and if so, do these negative attitudes spill over onto crossdressers? I ask, to try to gauge the likelihood of your girlfriend to accept. Has she also fallen in love with you and if so, is there a chance she might be accepting?

Here's the article:
http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/01/14/transgender-people-in-sweden-no-longer-face-forced-sterilization/

[MarinaSweden]

On a slightly different note, I read a bit about Sweden's general attitudes towards LGBT. Your country is one of the most progressive with regards to gay rights. It is also progressive in supporting transition, but it had a terribly repressive practice that only ended a few years ago, which was to require everyone seeking transition to undergo sterilization. So I'm wondering how well society in general accepted people who transcend the gender barriers, if they insisted they should not have children. The laws did change a few years ago and transitioners are now legally able to have children, but culturally, do people in general still believe it is undesirable to transition and if so, do these negative attitudes spill over onto crossdressers? I ask, to try to gauge the likelihood of your girlfriend to accept. Has she also fallen in love with you and if so, is there a chance she might be accepting?


I would say that if I were to let everyone know about my crossdressing, 85-89% would not react at all. many of those would find it interesting. 10-14% would think it is strange but wouldn't say anything. 1% would be openly hostile. I have not heard any negative thoughts from anyone I have told my secret to. I have not heard of any other TV/TS person I know here that they have had any negative experiences either. It is in general that progressive. It is certainly not comme il faut to admit you have anything against homosexuality or transgenders. Your friends would no longer be your friends if you say homofobic things. In that regard, Sweden is fantastic.
I know about the sterlization law, and it is strange that it wasn't changed earlier. But Transsexuality hasn't been so well known by people as Homosexuality. So I guess the politicians did put to much focus on that.
So why am I not totally out in the open? Well, for the risk that the 1 out of 100 that are hostile would be a person that has some sort of power over me. Like a neigbour that hates med and smashes my car. Or someone at work that makes it impossible for me to stay on the job. Not worth the risk, even if it is very very tiny.

But, and this is a big BUT. The NMH (not my husband) syndrome is as real here as anywhere else. I know that my wife felt very thretened in her femininity by me. She told me so, but that wasn't the reason for us splitting up.

And I agree, it would be so difficult to stop alltogether. My god, only a bit more than a week since I dressed and shit how I would like to do it again. But so far, I haven't had the urge when I have been with her.

[ClosetED]

I did not have the urge for 2 years when I fell in love with wife. Love and severe illness are best suppressors of crossdressing. But all here have the same story - it will return. So best to be open with her. If she accepts and goes at her pace, you win big. The longer you hide it from her, the more angry she might be if the 1%. While she is not in position over you, your fear she would tell someone who is, out of anger, is greater if you delay.
Hugs, Ellen

[MarinaSweden]

I am not that afraid that either my wife (which is the most likely situation) nor the new woman would out me. I am confident that I would get all the sympathy if that would happen. Neither of them have any connections to my neigbours or collecgues at my workplace.
In a way, I would be releived if my wife were to tell everyone we both know about me being transgendered.

But I agree, I am going to have to tell the new woman. It will hurt like hell if she leaves med, but I have to go throught it. But not yet.

[ReineD]

I would say that if I were to let everyone know about my crossdressing, 85-89% would not react at all. many of those would find it interesting. 10-14% would think it is strange but wouldn't say anything. 1% would be openly hostile. I have not heard any negative thoughts from anyone I have told my secret to. I have not heard of any other TV/TS person I know here that they have had any negative experiences either. It is in general that progressive. It is certainly not comme il faut to admit you have anything against homosexuality or transgenders. Your friends would no longer be your friends if you say homofobic things. In that regard, Sweden is fantastic.

Thanks for letting me know what it's like in Sweden. :) So then it looks as if the chances your girlfriend will be accepting are fairly good? This is even more reason to be fully honest with her now, don't you think?



The NMH (not my husband) syndrome is as real here as anywhere else. I know that my wife felt very thretened in her femininity by me. She told me so, but that wasn't the reason for us splitting up.

I've just finished explaining this in another post, but when you say she felt threatened in her femininity, it implies that she felt less feminine somehow because she felt that you usurped her femininity? Is this what you meant? This does not make sense, since her body and her estrogen levels did not change, in other words (and I'm sorry to mention this), her role as a woman in a hetero relationship remained unchanged with her new partner. When wives feel threatened, it is generally because they feel that their husbands appreciate their own femininity more than the wives' femininity. It's like having a rival for the husband's affections in the form of the husband's alter-ego. When non-CDers become interested in other women, the wives do feel sad or angry that their husbands are interested in someone else, but they still know they are women fully capable of interesting other men.



But so far, I haven't had the urge when I have been with her.

There have been many others in this forum who have gone through the same thing, and they said this didn't last.

[MarinaSweden]

On the last quote, I know. I have been there before. But what I meant was that I don't feel the urge when I am actually together with her.

About my wife feeling thretened, she has told me that several times. She has said that my wearing womens clothes makes her want to wear feminin clothes, allthough she has not started to use mens clothes. But I think your explanation if quite near the truth.

And yes, it might just be that she will accept me. Or at least not run away. But I can't be sure.

I had an idea yesterday. I have TV friends that are married. What if I would ask one to meet us for dinner dressed? He and his wife? Then I can see how she reacts.

[xNicolex]

Hi Marina, It sounds to me like you are reaching. What I mean by this is your wife accepted or at least partly accepted your crossdressing. For us that is so important to be accepted, to be seen, to be ourselves. You say you were depressed well that could be down to the fact that your wife was cheating on you maybe felt guilty and inadvertently took it out on you, which is still no excuse. I believe that your love for her after the split and after finding that mail of unfaithfulness was coming from that sense of ''will I find someone who will accept me again''. (Side note on infidelity if you can prove that she was unfaithful during the course of your marriage then she has no right to pursue for financial aid) thought I'd mention that because I hate liar's :Angry3: But back to business being alone as a crossdresser is harder i think than just being a single norm as you have opened up that part of you for someone to see. Then you split and fear rejection of opening up to someone all over again and it's so damn hard to do that. I really feel for you on this :( By the sounds of the girl you are seeing now it sounds positive. At least she didn't jump into bed at the first chance she got, that says alot about a persons integrity and it's a good thing to find in someone. As for telling her about Marina well there are two schools of thought on that, 1. you tell her now before you fall helplessly in love with her, If that happens it will be alot harder on you if she decides that it's not her thing. 2. Tell her later but she might not appreciate the secrecy this may cause further issues. Which brings us back to number one a world of hurt for both of you. Then again there is also a chance that she will be absolutely cool with it. Whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck :)

[heatherdress]

So about telling or not telling. I think maybe the best is to wait a bit so I can see where this relationship is going. But that I have to let her in on my secret sooner or later. Like someone said, you will not present her to your mother, sisters and brothers at this point. But I know we have no future if she decpises me for who I am. But even if i actually do think it is unfair, I will keep it to myself if she don't like it.


Marina - Only you should decide when to confide to a new girlfriend that you crossdress. If you tell her too soon, she will most likely be an ex-girlfriend. If you delay, it becomes harder and she still might become your ex-girlfriend. If you do not tell her, you have guilt, still have the risk of discovery, and she might become your ex-wife. Everyone and every situation is different.

You have to be very careful and be concerned about your own well-being and emotional state-of-mind right now. In the last few weeks, you have split with your wife, discovered her unfaithfulness, and met a new woman. Those are all significant emotional events. You acknowledge your self-esteem issue, depression, anger, fear of being alone and desperation. You have a daughter to think about, and probably divorce. I would think you should not be getting deeply involved with anyone until you heal so maybe you should not worry about telling her right now that you also crossdress. If you were to lose someone you seem to care very much about because you told her you crossdress, you would have a crushing rejection to add to your sadness. Maybe you should maintain some distance, heal and continue to get to know this woman a little better before you risk rejection. Become her friend, first.

[ClosetED]

Marina, having a married TV couple as a double date sounds great, but would your new girlfriend be more comfortable if the husband did not dress, but brought it up in conversation? Then you can support that activity and see what she says about it. Just a thought.
Hugs, Ellen

[Stephanie47]

I read your initial post and your responses....not everyone's. You being in Sweden you will probably not get the express attributable to the great New York Yankee great, Yogi Berra: "It's deju vu all over again!" It can be your primed yourself to be ready for another relationship because you're the type of person who needs companionship. Some people are "loners." Is it better to live in a deceitful way, enjoy the moment, and, be willing to have it "blow up in your face later?" How will you react to the rejection? How will you react to trying to purge your thoughts of cross dressing. There's also the possibility the woman new to you will be accepting initially and then find cross-dressing is something she is not interested in.

Just think before jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

[CONSUELO]

Marina,
Sorry to hear of all of your trials. I do hope you will be much happier soon. I see that many people here have given you some good advice about your new relationship. I would just add that you must tell your new lady friend that you are a cross dresser. Yes it will risk the friendship but to not tell her and see the friendship deepen while your desire to cross dress does not diminish will just make things harder and much more distressing. Be gentle but do be open and be prepared to help her understand what your cross dressing is about.

Best wishes

[Alice Torn]

Marina, You sound too bloody desperate to have another SO WAY TOO SOON. On the rebound, way too fast. It almost always does not work. Friends only right now, is the best. You need months or a year to heal. Having sex with her is selfish,. and not in her best interest or yours. But,. having a platonic friendship, AFTER you tell her about marina, taking your time to get to know each other, without sex, is best.

[sometimes_miss]

So, if I manage to stop crossdressing, is it to lie if I don't tell her what I used to do?
FWIW; I have been dating women on and off since my divorce 18 years ago. I don't come outright and tell them that I crossdress. I carefully try to find out how they will respond to such an admission. And it hasn't been good. So it's really up to you. If you decide to tell, perhaps one way to go is, "I used to be a crossdresser'. Having it as something in the past may make it more acceptable, perhaps at least get you a little more time to get her to understand that it doesn't define who and what you are. And that's important, because if she DOES define crossdressing as what you are, your chances are not good. Very, very few women have any attraction to a man who crossdresses. Let me change that. Most women are sexually turned off by the idea of a man wearing female attire and behaving like a female. TURNED OFF. The thought of kissing a man passionately while he's 'en femme' is repulsive to them, and the image of you as a woman is what's going to go through their mind whenever they interact with you in an intimate way. And if someone is sexually turned off by you, any intimate relationship is not going to survive.

So good luck. Go slowly. Or the odds are you'll be alone for the rest of your life. OR.....spin the big prize wheel, and come right out with it and tell her. The question you have to ask yourself, is, 'Do I feel lucky?'. The percentage of women who would consider dating a man who crossdressers is about 1%. The percentage that are enthusiastic about it is way, way less than that, well into the decimal range. Even here on this forum, wives who love to crossdress their husbands are in the single digits. Out of 20,000+. Still, there's an outside chance; that still leaves 0.01% of the female population, so there are a few out there, even in Sweden. Figure about 10 million, that means about 5 million women, maybe 1 million within your dating range. So, there are maybe 100 women in your country that are good to go for a crossdresser. MAYBE. Now, how many of them will be compatible with you? Maybe 5 or 10, and it's that many because you're likely willing to put up with a whole lot of stuff that you wouldn't have to if you weren't a crossdresser. 5 or 10 in the whole country. Now you see what you're facing. And you understand why I don't tell anyone up front.

[Alice Torn]

I am afraid Sometimes Miss is correct about what she wrote. Women who accept are almost non existent . My 68 yr old sister, never dated, nor married, never wanted a boyfriend all her life. I actually considered coming out to her once. Before i did, i told her about a singles dance, where i thought I would ask a very tall lady to dance with me. After a few seconds, i realized it was a CD TG, but i kept dancing till the song was over. My sister cringed when i told her, so I realized she does not like men, and also does not like them dressed as women, either. I now agree with others who said to tell her fairly soon, about the dressing. If she rejects you because of it, better now, than much later, after you invested yourself a lot.

[ReineD]

And you understand why I don't tell anyone up front.

So when is a CDer supposed to tell. A year? Two? Or wait until after they're married?

My advice is to always tell as soon as the relationship develops from initial interest or friendship, to love. Marina is already in love and I'm assuming that people don't usually fall head over heels unless they sense that the feelings are returned?

Marina ... you never did answer my question. Do you sense that she is in love with you too?

[Kate T]

I'm pretty sure Marina said in her original post that she thought her new friend had strong feelings for her.

This one is a no brainer. YOU WONT STOP. YOU SHOULD TELL HER.

Got it. What is the worst that can happen? She splits up with you now before you have invested even more emotional energy in the relationship? Vs You hide it and continue the relationship, get more committed and tell her thence splits up with you and you are even more affected?

Tell her now. Tell her the truth as much as you understand it. And start learning about yourself. You've suppressed this for so long you need to start learning and exploring and work out where you need to go.

NB: Your first marriage did NOT end because you crossdress. It likely ended for a variety of reasons. You aren't a bad / sick / weak / weird person because you crossdress. You are just you. If your wife was unable to be faithful then it was not your fault. You are also not weak or a bad person for loving her. We all make mistakes, both you and your ex wife.

[sometimes_miss]

So when is a CDer supposed to tell. A year? Two? Or wait until after they're married?
I assume you're writing this for new members, because I've answered this many times in the past. The answer to 'when' varies. Sometimes it can be a week, sometimes a few months, sometimes never if it becomes clear that they are firmly against it. I wait until I know how they feel about the subject. Over time, I will gradually bring up topics about known alternate lifestyles and the celebrities that live them. Ask if they have anyone in their family who is lgbt. Ask how they feel about them; are they close, are they disgusted with the idea, how they feel about knowing someone who's sexual life is so different from her own. While watching TV tune in so that maybe Rupaul's show (or an episode of some talk show with a lgbt guest, family or child) comes on next, and discuss the people on it with her. Caitlyn was an excellent topic, and I've used her as a reference with several women to see how they feel about this. Continue until you hit the point where she says something to the effect that she could never date/marry a man who behaves that way (or if very, very lucky, and win the crossdresser lottery, find out that she's open to sexual diversity in her own life). Then we have the option of outing ourselves to her (either if we think she may change her mind which isn't usually likely, or just as a way to end it), or just finding a way to end the relationship with some other reason, and it can't be something that denigrates her (my most common excuse is that I was contacted by my ex, and want so see if we can patch things up; I think most women can understand that we still care about our exes at least a little bit).
Initially, it was difficult for me to do this. it took a lot of planning and coming up with scenarios in order to 'feel out' how the woman feels about this. But over time, I've gotten good at it. I'm not doing this to hurt anyone. But I don't deserve to be hurt, myself, either, just because of other people's ignorance. That I refuse to tolerate. I've been hurt a lot in my life because of that, and I won't put up with it anymore. If someone thinks I'm less of a deserving human being just based on gender dysphoria, and don't believe everything they can observe about me and what I tell them, then they don't deserve my respect, and they should be happy that I'm so careful to do my best not to hurt their feelings. It would be much easier to just stop calling them or come up with something hurtful that they can't change as the reason for ending it. But I don't do that.

I get the feeling that either you forgot why I didn't tell my wife, or again, just wanted it to be told again for newer members to read. So again, in short, I believed that I had 'beaten it'. I hadn't crossdressed for several years when I met her, and didn't for years into the marriage. Like many other things, it was in the past, I had hurt no one, so I didn't think it was something that she either needed to know, or would want to know. Much the same as she didn't tell me that she was treated for major depression before we met, that she has passive aggressive tendencies, or that her mom was an alcoholic. What I find fascinating is when women defend her 'omissions' justified, but mine, not so much.

[ReineD]

Thanks for your response, S_M. I've read so many posts from so many different people over the years (in the thousands) that it's difficult for me to remember specifics. I would remember the details of your story if I went back and read all your older posts, but I don't remember it all right off the bat. Maybe this is a function of aging. :sad:

[MarinaSweden]

Marina ... you never did answer my question. Do you sense that she is in love with you too?

Sorry, missed out on that one. I can say for sure that she definetly is in love with me. Yes.

The funny thing is that she says things about me like, "I have never met a man I can talk to like this, hos listens, and can open up and talk about his feelings like you do". Or "I have never met a man that can touch me the way you do (I know I am good at that, and I can see from how she shivers that she at least enjoys it very much), so unselfishely." Or "You say such beautiful things to me, all the time, you are so romantic". Well, sure this can be just her way of making me feel good about myself and boost my self confidence, but the thing about my capability to talk about feelings, and being a good listerner is something I have heard from so many other female friends. And the other things, yeah well take it for what it is worth, but I have a feeling that I am more focused on her pleasure than many other men. And I think I enjoy physical contact more than most, something she appreciates. She has told me about other men she have known that more or less don't want that outside sex.
I beleive that the reason for me being different in those ways are because I have a strong female side. So wouldn't i be funny if a woman rejects me for having a female side to me, when that side also can be something she really likes...?

By the way, I have not been in here for a couple of days. I have spent wednesday to late saturday with this woman. And then sunday afternoon until late evening.

- - - Updated - - -


While watching TV tune in so that maybe Rupaul's show (or an episode of some talk show with a lgbt guest, family or child) comes on next, and discuss the people on it with her. Caitlyn was an excellent topic

Much the same as she didn't tell me that she was treated for major depression before we met, that she has passive aggressive tendencies, or that her mom was an alcoholic. What I find fascinating is when women defend her 'omissions' justified, but mine, not so much.

She acutally suggested we go and see the movie "The Danish Girl". I am not sure if it is shown in the US, meaning that you know what it is about, I am a quite curious as to see what her thoughts will be when we've seen it.

We have been extremely open towards each other. She told me that her husband was unfaithful to her when her marriage ended six years ago. I have told her about my situation. I have told her I am seing a psychiatrist, which she has done as well. Her father was an alcoholic etc. There are very few secrets left of that kine. Maybe only my desire to dress as a woman.

[Kate T]

She acutally suggested we go and see the movie "The Danish Girl". I am not sure if it is shown in the US, meaning that you know what it is about, I am a quite curious as to see what her thoughts will be when we've seen it.

Have you seen Danish Girl?? That is a hardcore start to the CD / TG conversation. My wife and I loved the movie but I'm transitioned. I have a number of friends who are smart and sensitive people who have seen it and found it very confronting.

If you do go and see it then you pretty much almost have to tell her. Because if you don't and this relationship continues she is going to say "why didn't you tell me then?". And be ready for the 3 big questions.

Best wishes

[Sarasometimes]

I'm with Lena and in a DADT so I look at these situations differently than the wide open members here. I like the comparison to when do you bring a new love to meet your family?
For the truth at all costs group, when do you mention these parts of you if they apply: bouts of depression, addiction in your family, number of past partners, drug experimentation, any brushes with the law, medical problems, habits, childhood trauma/abuse?
I think if things get serious after the next 6 months you should consider a talk but in the mean time you can explore her views on gender fluid people which could help you to decide if she is likely to accept those parts of you, which could sae both of you heart-ache.

Good Luck and don't beat yourself up for trusting your former spouse, that is on her!

[Tina81]

Ditto was DI says. I wasn't married at the time, but I experienced the same deception and deceit from a woman I was dating. Good Luck.

[ReineD]

Sorry, missed out on that one. I can say for sure that she definetly is in love with me. Yes.

It looks as if the two of you are headed for a serious relationship then. So, when do you think would be a good time to tell her. Is it a question of a few weeks, or months? And if at the end of The Danish Girl you get the impression that she is not into it, if for example she says "I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with someone like that", what will you do.

[MarinaSweden]

I am considering something like "There is a side to me that you never will have to see if you don't want to, but I want you to know everything about me, I can not live in a relationship where we hide secrets from each other. I like womens clothes. I think they are beatutiful, comfortable and fun. So when I am home alone, I don't mind wearing a skirt, or a blouse. If you are so openminded that you still want to be with me, I will be very happy. If you even can consider letting me put om something occationally, even better. But I will let you decide how far i can go." In a way, I don't like being so defensive. It is a bit too much the person I was when I was together with my wife. I have to learn to stand up for my self, but this might not be the fight to take?

If the question arise, are you gay, easy to answer. I am not in any way. Do you want to change sex? "No I don't, not more than a woman wearing pants, or cuts her hair short." I understand that the last thing isn't something women would like to hear, but I beleive that men are trapped in a role where we have very little to choose between when it comes to expressing our selves. If it is ok to wear a kilt in Scotland, why is it not allowed to occationally put on a skirt here? In the year 2016?

I have told her I don't like wearomg a suit and tie. Even though comes the right time, like a more formal party, I can enjoy it, because it makes me feel very masculine, and if I notice that the woman likes it. I have told her I don't like having to choose between wearing grey, dark blue or black. That I like coulours.

And when.... well, I don't think i can wait much longer. I hate being dishonest. Especially towards someone I REALLY care about. But then again, have we come that far in our relationship (a bit more than two weeks) that we need to disclose everything about our selves? I don't know.

About The Danish Girl, as I understand, he/she acutally changed sex? I will never do that.

Any opinions about this?

[ReineD]

Well, given that you do not describe yourself like the Danish Girl, I would strongly urge you to NOT bring your girlfriend to see it at the moment. The Danish Girl seeks sexual reassignment surgery and if this is not what you intend for yourself, there is no use confusing the issue with your girlfriend (who understands very little about the very wide range of people in our community), while you explain to her about the crossdressing.

After the two of you have been together for awhile and she is comfortable with your level of crossdressing, after she has no more questions about whether you want to be a woman or whether you dress to attract men (these are fairly standard questions/doubts from GGs), then you might see the movie together with the explanation that you and the Danish Girl are entirely different people with different goals.

[Alice Torn]

Marina, It sounds like a fairly good plan, to me. It is so hard on your health to keep this on your chest, and pressure is awful. It sounds best to "have the talk" real soon, then, and let the chips fall where they may". Even if she rejects your dressing, or reasons for it, it will be good to open the pressure valve, and feel relief, regardless of how she answers.. But, she may need time to fathom it all, and think about it all. Some women are appalled at first, but with some education, and time, tolerate it, and a small few accept. But, the hard truth, is most do not like it one bit. She may be a rare bird, and be ok with it. Be good to yourself, even if she does not like it. It takes a strong person, man or woman, to walk alone for a while.I have been a virgin, walked alone all my 62 years, but have dated some, mainly decades ago!

[IamWren]

Whoa! The Danish Girl? I have only seen the previews.
From someone who loves film this looks like an amazing movie but like Reine said, I would advise strongly against seeing that movie with her. There is another movie that came out in 2014 (i know that doesn't really help since it is no longer in theaters) that would be a much better choice. It's called The New Girlfriend.

It was nice although I don't speak french so the subtitles made it a little less enjoyable.
Below is a youtube link to the trailer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBEDx5cy2HI

[sometimes_miss]

If it is ok to wear a kilt in Scotland, why is it not allowed to occasionally put on a skirt here?
Because a kilt is considered men's clothing, as are the oddball gowns and bonnets that the catholic leaders wear, as well as the dress like white drapes that arab males wear, however feminine the rest of the world would consider them. OTOH, wearing a skirt sold as women's clothing, indicates to the rest of the world that you wish to identify in some way as feminine. And feminine is unacceptable to western society as a male. We're (boys and girls) brought up to believe that being feminine in any way is the worst thing a boy can ever be. Don't get your panties in a knot, sissy, pu$$y, ladies, girly, girls, weak sister, go change your tampon/pad, etc., are just some of the routine feminine things considered as the biggest insults one can call a male. Dumb, lazy, liar, useless SOB, cheat, ba$tard, coward, tiny d!ck, weak, clumsy, slow, pick any other insult. None pack more of an impact than something feminine.