well, I did it, I came out to my SO

[Laura.Taylor]

After months, heck, years, of going back and forth in my head over this, I finally told my wife about "Laura".
When we first started dating over 10 years ago I did tell her that I dressed. She was not accepting at all and asked if I could stop. I, of course, told her that I would and I truly believed that I could do it, so I purged everything and though that was the end of it. We all know how well that went. Mid-summer last year the urges came back, and within a month I was back to where I had been 10 years prior with a full wardrobe, forms, makeup.....you know the drill.
I've been dressing probably 4 to 5 times a week lately, and it has had a very noticeably calming affect on me. As a man, I have a bit of a temper, but Laura keeps me grounded. When I'm dressed, I am very calm, I don't get angry and I tend to be a more loving person. That calmness has even permeated into male mode. I no longer yell, I think before I speak when upset and think more about how my attitude affects those around me. All in all, it has had a very positive affect on me (in my opinion).
So.....this past weekend, my wife and I got into an augment. She was supposed to meet me at a mutual friends party at 2PM, she didn't show up until 4:30PM. Needless to say I was not a happy camper. Lately, she's been showing up late to everything, and not just a little late,but like REALLY late. During the argument, I heard myself actually say I wanted a divorce. It was like someone else said it but it came out of my mouth. I wasn't yelling, I didn't even raise my voice. My wife had a stunned look on her face. I stopped, and thought about what I had just said and why the heck I said it. Then it came to me, it was easier for me to run and leave everything behind rather than face her and tell her about my dressing.
That was the moment. It was now or never. So, with a lot of shaking, sweating, and on the verge of tears, I broke down and told her. I expected her to be angry with me, to start yelling and screaming like she typically does, but that didn't happen. She was confused, scared and instantly blamed herself. Luckily I've been reading tons on how to come out to your SO on this site and many other and had conversation upon conversation with other girls on the subject. I assured her it had nothing to do with her or her sexuality and that this was something that has been with me for most of my life. Then came the questions drowned in tears. Was I gay, have I cheated, was there someone else, did I want to become a woman. I answered everything as honestly as I could and encouraged her to ask anything she wanted and to not hold back. If she could think it, ask it. And she did. for the next few hours, amidst gallons of tears, we talked. and talked, and talked.
In the early morning hours, we snuggled in bed, made love and fell asleep in each others arms.
I honestly don't know where we'll end up. She is having a very rough time getting her head around it. She doesn't know if she can accept it or not. She definitely doesn't want to see any part of Laura at the moment. So for now, I'll wait, hope and see where we end up.
Am I glad I told her?........yes, most definitely yes. Regardless of how this ends up. Whether or not we stay together or breakup after 7 years of marriage, I can no longer hide who I am. This isn't a fetish, it won't go away and it can't be ignored.
There's my story. It's just one more in a long line of those that have gone before me and those that will inevitably come after. We must be true to ourselves even if that comes at the expense of those we love most. Denying who we are only hurts us all.

[Mykaa]

Wow! Laura what a weekend you had, Im pretty close to leaving for work but if you need someone to talk to, please know your not alone. I hope this works out for you both, I really do. Best wishes, Im at a bit of loss for words atm.

[Fiona123]

Wow. You showed great courage. Really well done. Keep up the good work.

[Heidi Stevens]

Not your normal weekend, Laura. Both of you are going to need help to get thru this big turn in your relationship to keep both of you happy and together. There is help on this board for the problems as they relate to your dressing, but you have told us that there seems to be another unrelated problem between you two that needs work. Should you both decide that counciling is the way to go, don't be surprised if the dressing is brought up. Since this is a new developement, explain that this is something that may cause more tension between you two, but it is not the main cause for the rift.
I highly recommend that you attempt to establish a "Don't ask, don't tell" relationship with your wife. You dress only when she is not present, trying to keep every aspect of Laura from her, while she acknowledges that Laura exists. Several of us on this forum are in this condition with our SOs. If you can, try to get her to post to the FAB group and talk to the ladies over there who have spouses that dress.
The next few months are going to be rough. The help is out there for the two of you, so use it and try to work things out. I wish you both good luck on solving ALL your problems. The main thing right now is talk it out between yourselves, don't retreat into a shell.

[sara66]

I hope coming out can in some way help improve your marriage. This is a big step. Our wives should always be first in our lives.
Good luck,
Sara

[Sandyhappygirl]

Wow! What a post. I'm emotionally drained just reading it. Sooooo hope it all works out and the two of you live happily ever after (or should that be the three of you?). Your comments about the calming effect of dressing resonate with me entirely, thought I was reading about myself for a minute. Be sure to give your wife time to adjust.

Sandy

[Tina81]

Laura,
I wish you well on you continue your journey with your wife. There's enough out there on the internet to help her understand that it's not a choice that you CD. You and all of us were born this way. Good luck!

[mykell]

well that was indeed emotional and went alot better than mine,
there was no snuggling or love making after my reveal for many many days, lots of emotion though.

it does feel good to know you told and can move forward, my wife has the same wishes, she knows, she does not want to see it, i think she may have leaving the browser open on a few occasions but she never said anything.

i would not pigeon hole yourself into a DADT relationship just yet, that can be negotiated when you each talk of your comfort levels and terms of what is acceptable which should be your next step. let her have some space if she is not bringing it up as a topic right away, just live as normal as you can.

i think in the long run it works out as it was discussed before and you tried to quit which we all know is not a reality,
best wishes to you both.

so if she is inclined i attend pflag meetings, as comfortable as being here but you are among moms, dads, friends, in the group i attend, it is a trangender group and they have an LGB group

what made me feel the most guilty was that i had the support of the folks here and she had just been given this overbearing bit of info from myself with no support network or peer to confide in, she did not want to see it on the internet though she confided she had looked at something last year.


https://community.pflag.org/


(https://community.pflag.org/)

[Di]

I like you kinda knew what you were going to say before hand from reading here.....explaining it in a way she can understand and see you are still who you always have been and also understand that when you said you would stop all those years ago you meant it but that's not realistic .... It is part of you.
She will prob have more questions and ups and downs and if she says she needs someone to talk to our Fab group is here and have a private section she can talk to other Ggs.
Best Wishes

[Jenniferathome]

Good on you Laura. The timing and approach were a bit rough but the truth is the truth.


... Then it came to me, it was easier for me to run and leave everything behind rather than face her and tell her about my dressing.
...

This comment struck a chord with me. I didn't get nearly this close with my wife, but I have written many times I was pushing her away, maybe hoping I didn;t have to tell her. A cowards choice for sure. Keep talking, it can work.

Take care,

[Amy Fakley]

Congratulations! Both for coming clean, and for having the self-awareness to realize why the word "divorce" spilled out, then doing the selfless thing by explaining why. Seriously, that's an insight few have, and the courage to follow through is even more rare.

I have a feeling yall are going to be fine, just by your description of the aftermath ... tons of honest conversation, and closeness. It was a similar way after I came out to my wife (but I waited 17 years instead of 7).

Keep talking. Bad things fester in the darkness of silence, but beautiful things grow under the light of open honest discussion.

I was such a mess that first week or two after coming out. I was a nervous wreck ... In the end I had to ask my doctor for a temporary Xanax prescription (I was having awful panic attacks). In retrospect, I wouldn't have waited so long to call my doctor about that. So if I have any advice, that'd be it ... do whatever it takes to keep talking and be open and honest, even if you need a little chemical assistance to get through it.

[Kate Simmons]

I wish you well my friend. Your friends here are here to help you whatever happens. Remember that. :battingeyelashes::)

[Rachael Leigh]

Laura I know it's difficult now but hang in there I really wish there was a good place our wives could go to that helps them with this part of us, it such a difficult thing to deal with and in many ways it's worse then an affair it's like we are with another women except that women is us. They can't wrap their head around that and then they question themselves about are they gay or why didn't they see this how stupid and foolish they must be.
You see I know I've dealt with this and it's not easy and we don't make it easy because it's just an important part of who we are.
I hope you two will work through this and it will all work out
Leigh

[Laura.Taylor]

thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, I sincerely appreciate it.

My wife and I have spoken several times by phone today as we're both working. She really sounds distraught and it's killing me inside. She just wants to make it all go away and I can't promise that to her. "Why can't you just give it up?" I don't know how to answer that one other than to say it's part of me, not an addiction or a fetish, it's just me, and if I promise to give it up it would just be a lie. She keeps going to some self made image in her head of me as a woman and it destroys her image of me. She keeps thinking of me wanting to be like Kaitlyn Jenner (her words). This is where I need a good source of what CDing really is. I told her that there is a HUGE difference between CD and TG and that I have no desire to transition. A few here have suggested the FIB forum but I've read the requirements for her to get an account and access and I know she'll never do it.

[JaniceP]

OMG, I Truly wish I could help, your emotions must be driving you crazy.

I was in sort of the same situation, to be fair I told my wife, Before we were married, she disapproved at first and gave the ring back. A couple of days later she said OK, as longs as she Never Saw me Dressed.

We ave been married now for 45 years, 5 children and 13 Grandchildren.
I did have a Totally wonderful wardrobe of Female clothes. I had panties, girdles, stockings, matching lacy Bra's, cute slips, even a LBD!
Full make-up, 2 Very Pretty Wigs (1 auburn & the other a light brown with blonde streaks, so pretty, my favorate), silicone breast forms & almost everything a Real Girl would need. At times when my Girly feeling was Over powerful, I'd get a motel room for a night and Dress an act Feminine all night.

[Teresa]

Laura,
It has to happen at some point, but there's never a right time. I must admit I cried like I've never cried before or since, I could feel the weight coming off my shoulders .

I'm so glad you found the courage , you know you'll have to tread carefully until she's taken it all in, but at least you can now truly accept yourself, no hiding it's all out in the open . Being wired different isn't that bad as long as everyone can understand it .

Don't make false promises of being able to stop or how far do you want to go, it's a learning curve for you as well and try not let the pink fog take over, you'll do things you may regret later.

I understand your comment about her not coming to the forum, there's things we talk about here that may scare her unnecessarily at first.

Counselling may help the situation if she's struggling with accepting how you want to present yourself, the point is we are born like it and there's nothing we or anyone else can do about it.

[Pat]

This is where I need a good source of what CDing really is. I told her that there is a HUGE difference between CD and TG and that I have no desire to transition.

Wikipedia has an article on "Transgender" which is not rigorous but reenforces your points. Like most it gets too focused on transsexuals which is probably not what she wants to see, but if she reads the intro and then skips down to "Other Identities" to "Transvestite or Crossdresser" it may be reassuring for her.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

I mention Wikipedia because it may be perceived as a more neutral source. The Psychology Today site has a good resource (and includes a John Oliver segment on transgender rights.):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/quite-queerly/201507/what-is-transgender-beautiful-short-film-answer


GLAAD also has some good info including a pointer to an "allies" page (that's what your wife would basically have to become if she wants to deal with this in a positive way.)

http://www.glaad.org/transgender/transfaq

I hope things work out for you. The educational effort is hard but it pays off.

[Amy Fakley]

Around the time I came out, this documentary was something we both enjoyed watching. I think we both found it reassuring in that it illustrates that life does go on, and that it's entirely possible to have a happy, healthy successful marriage well into old age where one of you has gender issues

http://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

Also, though she may not want to join up here and jump through the hoops to get on the FAB forum, you might just let her read this thread to get an idea of how many completely otherwise "normal" folk there are out there who aren't (necessarily) on the Cait Jenner path

[carhill2mn]

I commend you for taking the big step of telling your wife about your need "dress". One never knows what will happen afterwards. I think that it is important for people to realize that these desires/needs will not "go away".

One thing that concerns me a little is that you do not mention what your wife's explanations are as to why she has been so late to so many things lately. There is usually something going on that causes such behavior. Often it involves another person.

[Kiva]

Good for you guys. Communication is the first step. A lot of people can't do that. It's not easy for a great many of our wives to accept. Mine has been back and forth on it since I told her, which was in 1986. Later this month will be our 34th anniversary. I do know that she is my best friend, and we both cherish our relationship to the point that we'll be together through thick and thin. We're in it for the long haul. Right now, she doesn't like it, and doesn't want to be part of it all, but I think she has accepted the fact that it is something that is simply not going away. We have made rules and boundary's. I'm ok with them if it means keeping my marriage intact. I can't speak for others, but I know I don't want to live my life alone. I love having someone to come home to, someone to share life's ups and downs with. I really hope you two can find a happy medium. Good luck and keep the lines open Laura. Btw, you're very pretty!

Kiva

[Tracii G]

I think when you said the I want a divorce in a calm voice may have been the point she took notice.
From her point of view she may have though "Its like he wasn't yelling when he said it and it sounded like he meant it".
That in itself might have scared her to the point hum maybe my always being late and my propensity for pissing him off isn't such a great idea.
My second wife was always doing something to get under my skin just to see how far she could push me until one day at her parents house she went off on me for no reason.
Her Mom and Dad couldn't believe what she did. I told her Dad don't bring her home until she apologizes to you both or she can thumb a ride home I don't care anymore I'm leaving . Just to note her parents live 85 miles away in another town.
My point is sometimes its the shock of reality that changes attitudes.

[VirtuaGrl]

This is going to take some time, Laura. I know, I've been there. When I came out to my wife as a closet crossdresser, we were at roughly the same place in our relationship as you and your wife (we had been married about eight years after being friends and dating for about two before marriage), although we also have three children which you didn't mention. I had also been out crossdressed with my wife a few times for Halloween so she had seen me completely dressed and so I wasn't competing with her imagination (a battle you will most likely never win).

Definitely check out the links Jennie provided. Think of transgender being a scale with fully transitioning transsexuals at one end and crossdressers towards the other end (I'm not sure what the actual other end is, but I think the hetero-crossdresser with no intention or desire to fully transition is close to the opposing end of post-op transsexuals). Regardless, I believe a CD is TG, but is very different from a TS (but not necessarily so different from a TV). It is not a very clear-cut scale and it is not easy to define which I believe makes explaining it so difficult.

The very best advice I can proffer here is to be patient and continue talking with your wife and offering to answer as many questions she puts to you as possible. As long as you and your wife eventually agree on whether a CD is a TG or not, then it truly does not matter what the actual definitions are. Don't let semantics be a roadblock. Focus on what these terms mean to you and what they mean for your wife. As long as you both are agreeing (or at minimum as long as you each understand what the other intends) to the phrases indicate, then you can focus on what they mean for your marriage.

It is great that you recognized that you don't really want a divorce, but instead were seeking an escape from the situation. Hopefully, your wife will come to a point where she can accept your needs and will be able to provide an opportunity for you to let Laura out often enough to satisfy your needs as well.

Good luck and by all means, feel free to contact me privately if you think I may be of additional assistance.

- A

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Laura, I have walked in your heels & shivered in my pantyhose about the reveal & post reveal aftermath. You will get so many great comforting & realistic advise from those on this forum. I was so thankful for all the support thrown my way. We are near the same age & circumstance. Regretfully, my post reveal reality has not been fun. Mellisa is suppressed , even after months of couples counseling, because my wife cannot come to terms with my feminine soul. Every relationship is different & every picture tells a different story . To you, this situation & the excrutiating anxiety is particularly unique to you despite all of the good advise. There are no easy answers or roads to travel once the girl within you has been revealed. You and your wife are now in two totally different orbits. I pray for both that gravity will bring you both back to earth. Regardless of how this ultimately plays out, always remember to think & be positive even when there doesn't seem to be any hope. We were born uniquely with feminine souls. You might suppress the dressing, but you cannot suppress the feminine soul as she is you. Much peace, mel

[Beverley Sims]

Laura,
It's out now, play it carefully and you may have a good outcome.

[Laura.Taylor]

So it's day 3 and so far not much progress. I'm having a lot of trouble getting her to seek some kind of help in dealing with this. She is outright refusing to speak to any kind of therapist. She thinks they're all quacks. She can't talk to any of her friends because she doesn't want to out me. I've tried to get her to read some forums but she keeps focusing on the few that are negative. On a good note, she and I are communicating very well. She thinks I'm the only one she can talk to and while I'm more than willing to talk anytime she wants, I know I'm also the source of her anxiety which makes it difficult for me.

Last night she displayed a bit of aggression by taking out some frustrations on my full length mirror. She took it off the door, wrapped it in a garbage bag, took it outside and stomped the living crap out of it. She said it did make her feel better so I'm happy to have sacrificed my mirror. She did threaten to destroy any of my clothing or accessories she found. I did draw the line at that comment letting her know that was totally unacceptable. These were my belongings and she in now way was to damage them. It's all pretty well hidden so the only way she'll run across it is if she actively looks for it which she said she didn't want to do.

I've promised myself not to purge but it's getting difficult. I dressed for a little while today and it just didn't feel the same. I felt guilty. I may just put things away for a bit and see how I feel in a few more days. might just be safer to put it in my storage unit but the thought of that makes me sad as well.

Oh well, tomorrow in yet another day. Here's to praying it's a little better than today.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Despite the anxiety & disconnect, you have to remain positive !!!

[dawn459]

Coming out to your SO/Wife can
be good or bad .I told my future
wife while we we're dating that I
enjoyed wearing gowns nighties
panties pantihose and wound up
buying us matching gowns to wear
on our honeymoon.My wife is supportive of my dressing. even helps pick out dresses&lingerie
she knows will look good on me.
She only requests that I don't dress when the daughters or grandchildren are visiting.
She has not been out shopping
with me en fem she is afraid that
we will see some one we know
and that would be disaster for
both of us..we go shopping
with me in male mode and we
use code words like do you think
dawn or Mary Jane would like that
if she sees something for me..
Yes comin out to the SO/WIFE has its ups and downs but honesty is
the best policy. Good luck Dawn459

[PrivateXDresser]

Laura, the thing you said that resonated with me the most is that it's not a fetish and it won't go away. I have wondered if it could myself, but I started at the age of 12. Being re-singled has lead me to explore the feminine clothing world without fear of scrutiny. I am totally with you. I hope things work out and that your SO finds a way to accept you for who you are. God bless!

- - - Updated - - -

I guess the question is do you want to be the person you want to be or the one she wants you to be? CD is a tough world for heterosexual relationships.

[sometimes_miss]

She keeps going to some self made image in her head of me as a woman and it destroys her image of me.
This is the big one. You have to find some way of getting her to accept that this isn't anything new. You've always been this way, and it hasn't affected how you behave in your past, and won't in the future. I'm not terrific with words, so perhaps someone else can come up with better ways of getting her to understand that. Because that's what you're fighting now; her seeing you as someone less than who you were before. You can turn it around, with that presumption, as a way that society has always considered being a woman somehow being less valued than being a man, and how that belief feeds the idea that people have about a man being feminine somehow makes him less worthy of anything, because that's what she's feeling, and it's wrong no matter why anyone feels that way (have to be careful with this, because women get very upset if and when you say anything that appears that you're trying to invalidate their feelings). Perhaps through discussion, you can alleviate the fears that she has, but first you'll have to get her to know what they are, not just 'he's not the man I thought he was' cover all that we hear most commonly from wives who face a mate who's behaving feminine in some way. Women are still brought up to believe in their 'prince', their brave, strong, protector, provider husband, and spend their whole life trying to find the best possible candidate with all those qualities, to marry, because whether it's genetic or upbringing, she's got a predispositon to find men with those characteristics sexually desirable, and now, all of a sudden, she finds that desire waning or gone completely. That's where the 'not the man I thought I married' disappointment comes in; she now thinks you're less than she bargained for, and, of course, blames YOU for misrepresenting yourself. She may even see all your behavior in the past as a facade to 'hide who you really are', or even that you're in denial about your own sexuality.

The ultimate fix for this, is for everyone to see women as equals in every way to men. Most importantly, women themselves; this huge issue they have about needing a protector and provider in their life to feel secure is at the forefront of the insecurity they feel about having a male mate who is feminine; because they, themselves. see feminine as less capable than masculine; which means that they still see themselves as 'needing' a 'real' man to rely on. This will only go away as little girls are raised being treated not as little princesses, but as smart, capable people who are just as able as any man to accomplish things. And we're not there yet, even in the country that has as many or more opportunities for women in the world than anywhere else (AFAIK).

[Laura.Taylor]

Thank you all for you suggestions and support. It is certainly helping me get through this, although it's not looking good

today is day 6

My wife is pretty much an emotional wreck. She refuses to to anything to help herself or us. She's just retreated into a sobbing mess saying shes trapped with no way out. She can't handle the idea of me dressing and she can't stand the thought of leaving me. She's insisting that I am now a completely different person than she thought I was no matter how hard I try to convince her that I'm the same person I've always been. I'm trying to get her to see a therapist with me but she keeps avoiding the conversation to agree on one and set an appointment. She's wallowing in self pity and refuses to see anything different than what she already believes, which is her in a nutshell, stubborn and self righteous.

I'm trying to be supportive but there's only so much I can do, she's going to need to start helping herself because I can't do it alone. As each day goes by I'm thinking more and more that we're over and I can live with that be she can't.

[Jennie2]

Hi Laura
Sorry to hear of your problems, I came out to my wife accidentally about 9 months ago and we are now in a sort of DADT relationship, but at first it was very difficult and the only way to go forward at this time may be to stop dressing for the time being, don't add fuel to the fire. Communication and time are great healers.

Your wife will be embarrassed about talking to anyone about the situation because it will reflect on her, so don't push her to see a therapist if she doesn't want to. remember you put her in this position, you now have someone to talk about crossdressing and your burden of hiding it has been dumped on your wife. Take time answer her questions, tell her you will try to stop for the time being.
I explained why I dressed to my wife by saying I didn't choose this way of life but I was born this way and it is a need to dress rather than a desire and I can't do anything about it. Say you will try to abstain for a while and see what happens.
You can't afford to be selfish and you must consider the needs of your wife if you want to stay in the relationship.
I told my wife I would do anything within my power to help our marriage but I could only offer to manage my dressing, this took time and patience. My wife knows I dress still, she is not happy about it but she knows I need to otherwise I become stressed and she doesn't want that for me

Good luck
Jennie

[ThiHi]

...she's going to need to start helping herself because I can't do it alone.

Exactly. I'd say see a therapist yourself, perhaps. There are times when you do have to look after yourself first. Like on the plane, when they tell you to put the mask on yourself before you can help the person next to you.

I truly hope she comes to terms with it. Or maybe she's uninterested in moving forward. Hard to know for me, of course.

I wish you well. I can only say you have to take care of yourself, as no one else will.

[Mykaa]

Laura your a wise person, A burden shared becomes less a burden . I know from my own experience. I have suffered thru a lot of bad times, just remember your not alone all I know to say for your wife is do your best to be there, I think too maybe you should talk to someone for your own sake.

[Leelou]

Hi Laura,

Thanks for posting an update. I'm so glad you feel this group has helped you though this. It's not even been a week. Please don't think about you two being over. She's told you that she can't stand the thought of leaving you. Slow down. Be there for your wife. Don't push her into counseling.

Best wishes to you both!

[Katya@]

Hi Laura,

Thanks for sharing your story. You made an important and right thing in my opinion. As you know, the outcome of these conversations is different and more often than not unpredictable for most of us. When I came to my wife shortly after we got married, the immediate reaction was - "oh, that's cool. Want to sleep in my PJ tonight? And as soon as I put it, she first laughed and then said - actually...take it off"...For the next 6 years she would barely tolerate my simple dressing (no makeup, or anything like that). Now, I can mostly wear not too provocative clothes around her and kids when I want.

What I actually wanted to share with you, is a great book that you can buy as a kindle version ($8.50) or paper back ($15) on amazon. It is called "My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing From the Perspective of a Wife". I thought my wife would read it as she said she would, but I think she didn't. I read and I liked the book. I think it is a great book for all of us to read, but its goal was to help other wives and family members to learn about us - those weird unheard of creatures called cross-dressers. It may be much easier for her to read this than to go to a therapy or look for answers on the forums. Even if she won't show any enthusiasm to read it now, she may decide to read it later, and it should help her. Just leave it on the table where she can read it. I would recommend you to read too..

Hope all goes well.
Hugs,

Katya

[Rogina B]

thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, I sincerely appreciate it.

My wife and I have spoken several times by phone today as we're both working. She really sounds distraught and it's killing me inside. She just wants to make it all go away and I can't promise that to her. "Why can't you just give it up?" This is where I need a good source of what CDing really is. I told her that there is a HUGE difference between CD and TG and that I have no desire to transition.
TG is not TS and TS is a part of TG and CD is as well ! At this point in your life,you don't know how strongly or not GID is affecting you. Please don't box yourself in. Time will tell. And in regards to DADT marriages..It is about accepting that you are guilty of doing something the other partner doesn't like. Don't accept this guilt ! Your female self could be the real one..Time will tell.

[Mykaa]

So I heard from Laura today, they are doing a bit better, they have good days and bad, hopefully with support Laura and the spouse will be ok. I was glad to hear from Laura, I extended my support when the thread started, going thru life without friends is a thought I wouldnt want to have. She did express to me they were in therapy, I was very glad to hear that. I thought Id share on behalf of Laura, she has a lot on her mind.

[Judy-Somthing]

January 2016 I tried coming out to my wife of 35 years but she freaked and pushed me back into the closet.
She told me not to tell anyone that I what to dress as a women. and keep it to your self.

Well now four months later Things seem to be OK, who knows, many we're both faking it.

[Emma or Darren]

Laura that was a very brave thing you did coming out like that. I hope your SO comes around and accepts things.
I wish id done a better job of telling mine I think I played it down somehow and wasnt entirely honest to either of us she seems to of brushed it under the carpet and Im now waiting to ease the subject into conversation again.

[Laura.Taylor]

Thanks all. It's certainly a rocky road. We had a great Memorial day weekend. We spent a lot of time together and got along great, but then the past 2 days she started getting all upset and crying again, almost the same as the day I told her. She keeps going back to the " I can't stand being around you but I love you and can't leave you". Our therapist has been very supportive of me and my wife resents that as well.

We'll keep on going one day at a time and see where we end up I suppose.

Again, thank you all for your kind words and support. I'll try to do a better job on keeping this thread updated.

[Sarah Doepner]

Be patient and hope that she can come to understand that the aspects of you she loves are part of your feminine persona as well. To make all that go away would change you to someone she probably wouldn't know and maybe wouldn't like. You said that once you began dressing again you calmed down and have become a much better spouse. That happened to me as well and eventually my late wife saw that as well.

It's been said a number of times that we deal with this on a day to day basis and gradually begin to understand and eventually accept who we are, but it's usually something surprising for our spouses and we can't expect them to process all that new information as quickly as we would like. The other concern is she thought your dressing had gone away and to discover you tried but failed and now embrace it probably feels like betrayal to her. That's a hard one to overcome. Good luck and remember this is a part of you that will may never go away and if she stays with you it's something she will have to accept one way or another.

[nikkiwindsor]

My wife eventually became accepting of my gender fluid ways...I just remained very patient and let her come to terms with it; I didn't push it and I didn't dress for years. I hope everything works out for you and your wife. Our relationship is closer than ever. If you can share with a SO something as personal & special has having a feminine nature within you then you can share just about anything. I am who I am. My wife realizes that and now accepts me with unconditional love. She's my soul mate. Nikki

[Mykaa]

Hang in there! You have friends here Laura.

[Shayna]

Hoping for the best for you and your wife. Remember to be understanding. This isn't something she thought was part of the bargain. Sometimes it's hard to do and still remain true to yourself.

[Tommie.]

I seem to recall most marriages have trouble in the 7th or 8th year... my SO and I did even without the dressing issue. Heidi said early on there is more than likely another reason for the trouble which the consular may find for y'all. Anyway, you are in my prayers and may the Lord bless you both and send His angels to surround you....

[Laura.Taylor]

Hi all, figured it was time for an update on this thread.

After a few months of couples therapy and a LOT of talking I think we're making a little progress. She's still not very supportive and doesn't like my dressing at all, but at least she's not beating me up about it anymore. She tries to give me some alone time so I can be myself and doesn't begrudge me my "Laura" time but it's still a DADT arraignment. I've made a few compromises to keep her happy but I have also laid down a few rules myself (such as I'm never growing my beard back, I'm going to staying thin and in shape).

I'm pretty sure we'll stick together as it looks for now, but we still have a ways to go I think.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. It really does help :)

Kisses,
Laura

[Stephanie47]

I read your comments in this thread. It seems all the outings to a wife follow the same script. I checked your age and I am assuming your wife also has a prior marriage. I wonder, because I do not know, if how a prior marriage dissolving has an adverse effect on her view of you. Liar? Cheat? Something that would indicate she may believe all men are untrustworthy. I would conjecture when you told her you had cross dressed and made a pledge to purge and give it up, whether or not she really knew what cross dressing is all about. I really would not be encouraged by her comment concerning a therapist being supportive of you. I remember my wife telling me one of the hardest thing about knowing about my desires to wear women's clothing was not having a confident to talk to. My wife and I grew into this desire of mine together in as much as neither of us had any track record of prior relationships. I hope you're not up against a woman trying to figure out "What is it that he's not telling me?" all the time.

[Alice Torn]

I have never been married , but a woman on FB, has showed interest in me. I decided to tell her straight up, that i am a crossdresser , started at 14. She said i look too masculine, and can rise above the sin of crossdressing. I asked her why the church she is in, is now allowing women to wear pants to services now. I told her i will always have the urge to dress up, unless i get injured bad, very sick, or in a nursing home. She does not accept it, but woould like to meet me sometime, but wants me to rise above my problems. It seems that Sometime Miss is right about most GGs reasons for anger at our dressing. We are not the men they thought we were, or should be. It takes a rare GG, to do her homework, and educate herself on this. Laura, hoping your wife will get education on this thing we do, and also realize that GG's can wear anything they want, including mens clothes, and it is totally accepted.

[Lorileah]

I am letting the OP do this but know that Thread Bumping isn't allowed.


Thread Bumping

Posting in a thread you created for the sole purpose of "freshening" the thread is not allowed, unless permission is granted by a staff member. The application of this rule is up to the discretion of the staff and such posts will be removed.

make sure it stays withing the original OP

[Jessica May]

Hi Laura,
I know its hard to come out to your wife. I think time, understanding, and empathizing with you wife will get you there. I came out to my wife last year and experienced a lot of the things you have. She blamed herself and couldn't understand why I wanted this. Now she is much more accepting although she still doesn't love it she respects me and loves the person I am. The best advice I can give is give her processing time and being fully open and honest with her and not pressuring her. It will all come in time. I wish you the best of luck

Jess

[Lana Mae]

Laura,
Slow and steady! One day at a time! Keep the lines of communication open! Be firm but gentle! It sounds to me like your wife is going thru frustration right now! Keep us advised! You do look cute.Praying for you and your wife! Hugs Lana Mae

[Alexa Lynne]

First of all, you are a very brave woman. I know what you are going through, and I'm gonna go ahead and put this out there. The likelihood of your marriage working out is pretty slim. Now, not saying it won't work, but unfortunately, 95% of marriages do end of failing. Mine did. I came out to my wife in June of last year. While we managed to make it 10 months, there was a lot of fighting, bickering, yelling, crying, etc. So, in February she made me leave, and filed for divorce immediately. It was final on April 1st. (I promise, no April Fool's joke). Her and I are still good friends to this day, and she still doesn't see me as Alexa or as a female. Oh well. She didn't want me to start hormones at all, but it's been a year. I thought I could just be ok with hormones. Well i was for a while, then I started wearing panties and bras, so noone could see them. Then came the women's plain shirts and shorts. . It just kept escalating. Now, I have all women's clothes. I got rid of all my guy clothes. I sure hope you two can work everything out where you both will be happy. :)

[Hazel King]

I think your wife has a point when she says "she can't talk to anyone without outing you " this is so true, so she needs our support, my wife said the same, she said "I tell J..... (our daughter) everything but this I cannot talk to her about" I assured her that if it would help her she should go ahead, and I would take the consequences, but to my knowledge she did not, we had a lot of counselling some of which helped, some not so good, you have to be prepared to make sure you are both comfortable with the way things are going, ie both sides are getting consideration. wishing you both well.

Hazel xx