A road trip and coming out to mom....looking for advice

[St. Eve]

Hello!

I will be traveling next weekend to visit my mom. The plan is to come out to her and give her the opportunity to meet Stevie.
Also, I willl, hopefully, be doing my first road trip as Stevie. 500 miles to Chicago.

I would love any experience, strength and hope along with suggestions for stress free travel (or warnings of what to stay clear of.)

Thanks in advance for your energy and sharing...

Peace
Stevie

[Jenniferathome]

Stevie, why does she need to know? Are you going full time? Are you planning on living with her and she will see you? How does your cross dressing involve or affect her?

As to the WHEN/HOW of coming out... showing up in girl mode is a bad choice.

[Sarah Doepner]

I agree with Jennifer that showing up at the door as a Stevie surprise has a big chance to blow up in your face. Having photos to share and giving her the chance to decide if and when she wants to meet the feminine version of you will show more respect for her. It may a better choice to return home as Stevie after a successful visit.

You don't say how much you've been out in public, so it's hard to tailor advice for your trip. If you are comfortable using women's restrooms and interacting with folks where you might be ordering food or getting emergency car service, you should be okay. If those are issues for you, it may be wise to find your limits.

[Maria 60]

I don't know why but a few years back I felt the need to tell my mother, my wife told me why now at her age would I want to put this on her. Now at her age she will accept whatever I bring to her door, so why not just let her grow old in piece. That's my opinion you do whatever you think is right, after all only you know your mother and how she will take it.

[lingerieLiz]

Unless there is a true need for her to know don't do it. My mother has always known. But sometimes she wants her son back. Once you tell her your relationship will never be quite the same even if she accepts the change.

As for driving cross country that depends on how comfortable you are. I've never had real problems but then again I'm pretty open with it. Twenty years ago I sat and counted out change for a toll lady on my skirt with my slip's lace showing. She was out of change, asked if I had extra, and I had a bunch in my purse. She knew I was a guy even with wig etc. She leaned out to take the change so she could easily see the girls, blouse, skirt and all. The booth was not busy so we were talking about the weather etc. while I counted out about $20 worth of change.

When I was younger I had a woman tollroad attendant tell me I was pretty. I thought she was too. If the booth wasn't busy I would have tried to hookup with her.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

To ask this question & request advise, you must tell us why you have to have this talk. Once you let the Jennie out of her bottle , the post reality can be precarious . You love your mom. Don't do anything to cause her a heartbreak. Make sure you know why you have to have this talk.

[Faye56]

My mother discovered Faye in her own time. it was something I wished for, but did not wish to face her with. i would not arrive at her home as Stevie if you want to hear my advice as the tears when my mother discovered Faye will always stay with me, but only you know your own mother and how she reacts to any situation.
My own mother was always looking for something to play the martyr to, so approach this with much care..... Please !!.

[Rachelakld]

ya no,
What's in it for mum if you shock her half to death, and have her crying for the rest of your time there?

Sure do the road trip.

Maybe if your staying at mums, you could ask permission to wear girls clothes in the house after a couple of days visit???

[reb.femme]

I'm in agreement with previous replies. What is the net gain from a big reveal? I take it mum (mom) lives a fair distance away? If so, is there a need to do this other than you just need to? I want to tell the world too, but I'm not fulltime, so I think, "why give myself the hassle?".

I haven't told my brothers or sister and they live within a stone's throw from me.

Relationships can change dramatically once the truth is out, but if you must tell, do it dressed as her son. It's the best way, in my less than humble opinion. :straightface:

Becky

[mykell]

lots of sage advise here,
the tah dah moment will never be the best way to approach this, driving out as stevie is fine, as well as driving back, dressed while in the car is still out there and can help build your confidence,
you will have to consider rest room breaks and meal stops and im guessing at least one overnight at a hotel.
basically you will have to consider who needs this the most and why, perhaps you already have and did not share it.

i never told anyone but my wife directly, pretty sure my family knows, did not grow up with my mom, was told that she died, years later we reconnected, she finally passed on for real. we had the task of cleaning out her apartment, she was a nurse....turns out she was the caregiver to Paula grossmen a transsexual women.
we found her notes and and self published book paula had penned.....just a little food for thought. telling mom and showing mom are two very separate things though.

i have one mom in my pflag group and she struggles with how much surgery and the speed her daughter is moving....

perhaps you could bring up some current topic like the bathroom bill, tell her of a transman in the restroom during one of your pit-stops....see how she reacts and use the reaction as a guide ?

[St. Eve]

Stevie, why does she need to know? Are you going full time? Are you planning on living with her and she will see you? How does your cross dressing involve or affect her?

As to the WHEN/HOW of coming out... showing up in girl mode is a bad choice.


I agree with Jennifer that showing up at the door as a Stevie surprise has a big chance to blow up in your face. Having photos to share and giving her the chance to decide if and when she wants to meet the feminine version of you will show more respect for her. It may a better choice to return home as Stevie after a successful visit.

You don't say how much you've been out in public, so it's hard to tailor advice for your trip. If you are comfortable using women's restrooms and interacting with folks where you might be ordering food or getting emergency car service, you should be okay. If those are issues for you, it may be wise to find your limits.


I don't know why but a few years back I felt the need to tell my mother, my wife told me why now at her age would I want to put this on her. Now at her age she will accept whatever I bring to her door, so why not just let her grow old in piece. That's my opinion you do whatever you think is right, after all only you know your mother and how she will take it.


Unless there is a true need for her to know don't do it. My mother has always known. But sometimes she wants her son back. Once you tell her your relationship will never be quite the same even if she accepts the change.

As for driving cross country that depends on how comfortable you are. I've never had real problems but then again I'm pretty open with it. Twenty years ago I sat and counted out change for a toll lady on my skirt with my slip's lace showing. She was out of change, asked if I had extra, and I had a bunch in my purse. She knew I was a guy even with wig etc. She leaned out to take the change so she could easily see the girls, blouse, skirt and all. The booth was not busy so we were talking about the weather etc. while I counted out about $20 worth of change.

When I was younger I had a woman tollroad attendant tell me I was pretty. I thought she was too. If the booth wasn't busy I would have tried to hookup with her.


To ask this question & request advise, you must tell us why you have to have this talk. Once you let the Jennie out of her bottle , the post reality can be precarious . You love your mom. Don't do anything to cause her a heartbreak. Make sure you know why you have to have this talk.


My mother discovered Faye in her own time. it was something I wished for, but did not wish to face her with. i would not arrive at her home as Stevie if you want to hear my advice as the tears when my mother discovered Faye will always stay with me, but only you know your own mother and how she reacts to any situation.
My own mother was always looking for something to play the martyr to, so approach this with much care..... Please !!.


ya no,
What's in it for mum if you shock her half to death, and have her crying for the rest of your time there?

Sure do the road trip.

Maybe if your staying at mums, you could ask permission to wear girls clothes in the house after a couple of days visit???


I'm in agreement with previous replies. What is the net gain from a big reveal? I take it mum (mom) lives a fair distance away? If so, is there a need to do this other than you just need to? I want to tell the world too, but I'm not fulltime, so I think, "why give myself the hassle?".

I haven't told my brothers or sister and they live within a stone's throw from me.

Relationships can change dramatically once the truth is out, but if you must tell, do it dressed as her son. It's the best way, in my less than humble opinion. :straightface:

Becky


lots of sage advise here,
the tah dah moment will never be the best way to approach this, driving out as stevie is fine, as well as driving back, dressed while in the car is still out there and can help build your confidence,
you will have to consider rest room breaks and meal stops and im guessing at least one overnight at a hotel.
basically you will have to consider who needs this the most and why, perhaps you already have and did not share it.

i never told anyone but my wife directly, pretty sure my family knows, did not grow up with my mom, was told that she died, years later we reconnected, she finally passed on for real. we had the task of cleaning out her apartment, she was a nurse....turns out she was the caregiver to Paula grossmen a transsexual women.
we found her notes and and self published book paula had penned.....just a little food for thought. telling mom and showing mom are two very separate things though.

i have one mom in my pflag group and she struggles with how much surgery and the speed her daughter is moving....

perhaps you could bring up some current topic like the bathroom bill, tell her of a transman in the restroom during one of your pit-stops....see how she reacts and use the reaction as a guide ?

Thanks so much for the feedback y'all. I wish I had time to reply to each of you...but this will have to suffice for today....
1) No, definitely not surprising her dressed as Stevie!! I tried that 25 years ago with my wife and know how awful that can be....
2) I am not going full time, I still self identify as gender fluid or twin spirited
3) I have had a commitment in my life for no more secrets for a couple of years. Right now, all of the people who are closest to me know about my gender issues and CDing. I have been sharing with my mom that my SO and I are having difficulties over the past year and that the difficulties are centered around issues that have been with me for as long as I can remember that have surfaced as I have done my own personal growth work.
I told her I was not ready to discuss the details with her, but would let her know when I was ready.....if I am considering coming out in a more public way, I believe I need to let her know the truth about my experience of myself.
4) I have a deep seated belief that if I am my true self, I will end up alone, abandoned and unloved. How can I truly be happy and free unless I give the people who love me the chance to know me.
5) I believe my truth has the potential to actually alleviate some of the sadness/guilt my mom carries...I was very depressed, even suicidal, as a youth - it makes so much more sense to me now as I realize that I had to some how deny and lie about my dressing and gender identification (there were many other family issues, too.) I believe this will help her understand that my problems were more than just our family dysfunction....

Thanks also, for the advice about travel. I plan to take food in the car so I can be choiceful about when and where I stop. I will also take a "carry letter" from my therapist in case I get pulled over for some reason. I will generally look for Starbucks or Panera that only have single bathrooms. Also, I know Target is a safe place for me now!

Thanks in advance for your responses....I will get back to you late tonight or tomorrow morning....

Peace
Stevie

[Beverley Sims]

To come out to anyone at all you need to find the right time.
You don't need to come out to anyone unless you have a strong desire to dress in front of them.

Drive to Chicago dressed but change before you meet your mom.

If the occasion arises and the situation warrants it then tell her.

Give her the opportunity not to meet Stevie also.

[St. Eve]

Thanks Beverly,

Yes to both - Drive and then change before meeting and only have mom meet Stevie if she wants to!!
Thanks for the feedback. I do not have a strong desire to dress in front of my mom unless she welcomes Stevie. I do have a strong desire for her to know the truth about her son's life.

Peace
Stevie


To come out to anyone at all you need to find the right time.
You don't need to come out to anyone unless you have a strong desire to dress in front of them.

Drive to Chicago dressed but change before you meet your mom.

If the occasion arises and the situation warrants it then tell her.

Give her the opportunity not to meet Stevie also.

[Rhonda Jean]

I don't really know where to start on this. A friend of mine is considering a similar coming out, so this is an emotional topic for me right now. I don't get it!! Oh, I get how great it'd be for your mom to accept you as her daughter and the blissful image that creates, but, let's come back to earth.

I'm a private person, and I generally believe it's none of my parent's business what I do, so I'm probably looking at this from a different perspective. My parents know, thanks to a vindictive ex, but I've still not "come out". Also, they've seen me do and wear all kinds of things since I was a kid. Long hair, hair in rollers, shaved legs, long nails, waxed eyebrows, clothes that came from the girls department (not skirts and dresses). For the short time I'm with them, it's not something we ever discuss, nor would I. I'll have as pleasant a visit as possible, and go on and live my life. There's no possible way they'd understand the nuances of what or why, so why even broach the subject. There is no way this would have a happy ending. I realize there is a basic disconnect between me and those who feel the need to come out.

Still, maybe I come down sort of in the middle on this. Again, this is because of where I come from. I don't know what you look like every day, but... let's say your hair is longer, colored, more feminine (not a wig). I'm assuming you shave your legs and get your brows done. These are things you can't hide (well, except for the shaved legs), so I'd say make no attempt to do so. If you've gotten your ears pierced since she say you, by all means wear earrings! Wear things that came from the women's department. Not something shocking. Just something comfortable. Capris and flip flops, a casual top. No forms or bra. These are things that have a face value. They require little or no explanation. Whether she likes it or not, these are things that she can kind of wrap her head around. Something tangible. The whole "I'm a woman" or "I'm transgender" is such a vast and complicated subject that nobody completely understands it, and there's no way you cover that subject to anybody's satisfaction in a weekend.

I know this is a very personal deal and your motivations are nobody's business. I wish you well, and I'd love to hear how it works out.

[I Am Paula]

You posted this in the crossdresser section. If you are not TS, or moving in with her, are you certain you are achieving anything worthwhile with coming out.

[PrivateXDresser]

I agree 100% with Becky listed as reb.femme.

[Krisi]

You seem to have made up your mind to tell your mother about your crossdressing. Several people have advised you not to and my advice is the same; tell her only if she needs to know.

If you're still determined to tell her, I have no other advice on how to do it other than don't just walk up and ring the bell dressed as a woman.

[JessieA]

I can understand the need to tell your mother. For some there is a need for their other side to have a life which involves those close to them. It is always a risk though when you tell others, especially close friends and family. Only you can weight the risk versus the possible gains. If you feel that the risk is worth it, I suggest you take it easy and let your mother decide who much she wants to know Stevie.

[PrivateXDresser]

The only other thing I can see is finding something in the news, such as the transgender bathroom issue before getting to the real topic.

[Diversity]

I agree with Jenniferathome. Unless you are going to be living with your mom, or have a special open relationship with her, I would recommend not coming out to her and hurting the image (and her feelings) she may have if you as her son.
Enjoying your road trip is another thing, and by all means please do enjoy it.
Risking hurting your mother's feelings is quite another matter altogether.
Think carefully.
Di

[PrivateXDresser]

Great points, Di!