How do some TG run into so much drama?

[Nicole Erin]

We see it here quite often.

I will summarize my current experience -
My life really isn't any different since going full time. There were a few awkward changes at first but once I got into the groove, life is pretty much normal and mostly boring.
Get up, get made up, go to work, be bored, watch the clock, go home, do chores, catch up with friends or family, pretty standard life.
Reading stuff on the web and talking to my peers, my life is mostly like theirs. Same comforts, same worries, whatever.

Yesterday I spent some time with two VERY important people in my life. My son who was passing through town and his G/F. First time I met this young lady. About five minutes of the two hours of our conversation was about transgender. She doesn't see it as a big deal, nor does my son (who is quite masculine). Jenner wasn't even mentioned. (Who?)

People mostly call me "she", very seldom do I run into hostility, my ex wife and I are friends, it is like my TG status is non-existent. I do not "pass" that great. I mean surely people can figure it out. No one cares. I don't even know what toilet I am suppose to pee in.

On the other side -

I hear or read stories often about people who have lived full time for possibly years who somehow end up dealing with discrimination. There is this whole "restroom law" drama going on. People here often letting their gender status get in the way of living a normal life.

Why does this happen? Is it because of small town VS big town? Is it because some TG have their act together more than others? Is it because people seek drama?

Whether you have little or much drama on count of your gender status, what do you feel like is the big contributing factor?
For me, I think it is because I do not make a big deal of it. Let us hear your reasons.

[Tracii G]

Being more of a mix of gender presentation 50% of the time and 50% female presentation I have found life is pretty much the same.
My neighbors see me either way and its not a big deal to them. There are places I go that see both sides of me and they are used to it so again its not a big deal.
I think some love to bring the drama so they get noticed but when things go wrong they act upset.

[Pat]

Natural variability? Or in a more Shakespearian vein, some are born to drama, some achieve drama and some have drama thrust upon them. It's a diverse world out there. ;)

[flatlander_48]

I think People have drama irrespective of being straight, LGBT or whatever. Some are just magnets...

DeeAnn

[jentay1367]

What Dee Ann Said.....

[LeaP]

I agree also. The eternal drama magnet is a familiar type here. Some people create drama and some perpetuate it.

There is also ample, real confusion, change, anger, loss, opposition, and pain.

[Amy Fakley]

Certainly some people are prone to 'drama'. I don't necessarily see that as a negative, it's just one of the infinite ways of being human and dealing with the world. Others are less emotional, and more prone to analytics ... these people can be equally as exasperating in my experience (and I'm one of them, lol).

As far as encountering adversity, discrimination, hostility etc over your mere existence ... i suspect that's got a lot more to do with where you find yourself in the world versus your personality. For instance, my neck of the woods is pretty damn hostile to trans people on the whole. Yeah, you can find little corners of acceptance, but step outside them and you'll know in no uncertain terms exactly how much your presence is not wanted.

[I Am Paula]

I see it quite a bit among people just coming out into the public eye. The drama is created from not yet being fully secure in their own skin, and a natural fear of the unknown.
I have lots of friends who, freshly out in the world, would get way overly dramatic because, for example, someone stared at them on a bus. They haven't matured enough in the RW to realize, said person MAY have stared, or have been looking out the window behind them, or was just day dreaming (staring into space).
I have friends that every comment, good or bad, and every long look was a direct affront to their transness.
They usually get over it as they calm down, and quit the drama, and realize the world is not out to get them (in most cases).

[IamWren]

There's a saying I heard a long time ago that goes "most times when you're eating a crap sandwich, it's because you ordered it."

In other words more often than not people bring about their own drama.
As to the why... I think that's where Tracii, Amy and especially Jennie and Flatlander
have nailed it. Some people are just magnets to bringing hard times to their life.

Reminds me of a John Wayne quote that goes, "life is hard. Life is harder if you're dumb."
I prefer to think of it as making dumb choices. Tomato/tomahto I suppose.

Then there are those that are eating the crap sandwich because the waitress made a mistake.
This is where drama is thrust upon someone by no fault of their own.

And then there are some who have just been dealt a bad hand and no amount of sending the sandwich back is going to fix it. That's when it's probably time to find a new restaurant.

[Melissa Rose]

I also subscribe to the drama magnet theory as a reason for much, but not all, of the drama that seems to engulf some people. Some of it is their naturally prickly personalities or an overly negative interpretation of the world around them. Whenever something is not 100% as they think it should be, it is because they are transgender. Then they raise some kind of out-of-proportion stink about it, publicly or privately, which amplifies or escalates the situation and emotions. This form of confirmational bias continues to feed the fire and keeps the cycle of drama going. (Edit) Then there are the unfortunate ones, through no fault of their own, who are dealing with mental health issues or social anxieties that makes it difficult to successfully cope with and navigate through potentially dramatic situations.

There are some cases where your location or the people in your life adds to or diminishes the drama. Some people seems to commonly put themselves in the middle of potentially dramatic people, situations and environments when they can elect to stay away. There is always going to be some drama in everyone's life. Poop happens sometimes. IMHO it is up to the individual to decide on how to deal with it - whether to make a big deal of it or to let it go as a normal aspect of everyday living; when to speak up or act and when to walk away. I am not saying to avoid all drama at any cost, but I find too much of it to be too exhausting.

[Dana44]

I agree that some people attract drama. It is in their attitude and how they present themselves and don't know how to act in the company of others or may be having a bad day. I have gone to what bathroom I that I was presenting for. Male or female. But of you keep your attitude good and own what mode you are in there is typically not any issues. I have traveled across Texas and other states with no issues. Had one attendant ask my what color my nails were as he admired them. I think that if you have a good perspective of the world around you that your aura is more pleasing to people around you and the acceptance is there. People that are mad and off center stick out.

[becky77]

What drama are you referring to?

I think it's to be expected in the early days, it's a highly stressful time.

But I do see evidence that some people create their own issues.
For example I was very respectful when it came to work, gave everyone time and space and was basically nice as could be. I found the whole experience was a non-event really I think people made more of an effort because they liked me rather than they felt the fear of HR.

There is someone who is getting ready for fulltime and is already preparing for a fight at work before even telling anyone. I am intrigued to see how it pans out because my belief is if you go in looking for a fight you will find one.

[LeaP]

Drama isn't the issues themselves, it's the emotional upheaval and disruption that they elicit in some people. After all, who doesn't have issues? Some people deal and some people do not.

I agree that some level of crisis is to be expected in the early days (hopefully the meaning of this will be apparent). Does that make someone a drama queen? I don't think so. The drama queen is the one who never recovers from the crisis or careens from that crisis to the next. Further, they were probably in another kind of crisis before the trans bell rang. This is the type who advertises their distress and brings others into it as a matter of course.

I'll confess to some confusion as regards my own emotionalism. I was strongly dissociated before starting therapy. Between ADs, therapy, and hormones, I'm more integrated emotionally than I was a few years ago. I really don't know if I feel things more per se, but my emotions feel closer to the surface, they flow with and influence my thinking, I express them more freely, and they come and go more quickly. Something in me – long habit, perhaps – still tells me to hold them back. I don't, but it nags at me sometimes. So I'm more expressive, for good or ill. Is that more dramatic? Honestly, I don't know. My previous version of drama was anger and hyper-reactivity (sometimes rage). That seems worse to me, certainly retrospectively, but was… acceptable somehow in someone perceived male. I don't have the socialization of a woman, so I don't know always know how I am perceived now or how to guide my actions accordingly.

[PretzelGirl]

There are a lot of reasons for it. Being discriminated against can cause it. One I want to add is internalize transphobia. I am really seeing it in some where I couldn't quite conceptualize it before. I just needed to see it in action.

Good to see you Melissa. What was it? Three years ago at the Stratosphere?

[Melissa Rose]

Interesting. I never thought about internalize transphobia being a factor. I can see how it could influence how someone interprets a situation and the actions of others, thus their own reactions. The internalized self hate fuels one to strike out or amplify conflicts.

I have no data or information to support or debunk it, but I am starting to wonder if passing privilege comes into play. Those who better integrate into mainstream society due to passing privilege may experience fewer external irritants or sources of drama induction. That is, there are fewer incidents and situations that catalyze or spark dramatic or strong reactions. Just a thought with little to firmly back it up.


Hi Sue. I think it was 2012 so that would make it 4 years. Yikes, time flies. We both have experienced a lot of changes since then.

[Marcelle]

I think everyone experiences drama to some extent in their lives irrespective of their situation but I believe that being TS tends to create a bit of a lightning rod when it comes to drama . . . let me explain. I transitioned in place and prior to anyone knowing or even having an inkling there was drama in my life. When I transitioned and starting presenting as a woman in the workplace it created initial drama on a whole different level. The key difference is how you choose to handle that drama and diffuse it. Yes, some drama can't be handled simply by ignoring it but for the most part IMHO if you chose to get ramped up by every wrong look, sideways glance then drama will ensue. Don't get me wrong, if someone deserves my ire, this girl comes out swinging (for the most part) :)

Cheers

Marcelle

[PretzelGirl]

I agree with passing privilege also. If you are getting snide remarks or uncomfortable looks, it isn't hard to lash out. Today was the first day ever at work that someone stood in front of me spewing bigoted remarks. I had to walk it off and if I hadn't, I sure could see drama coming out. We could probably pick out all the items common to the high rate of suicide attempts too. Family rejection, job discrimination, etc...

2012 Melissa? Wow, we have been through a lot since. I still remember seeing through my peripheral vision, bodies drop outside and over your shoulder. Yikes! :heehee:

[flatlander_48]

In general, I think there are some specific reasons why the Universe is home to a lot of Drama Queens (or Kings, to allow for Equal Opportunity).

Some people are distinctly High Maintenance. I believe this is so because either they didn't learn, or sufficiently develop, coping skills. The result is that their response to events is out of proportion to the problem at hand.

Some people have to be the center of attention. In other words, the Universe has to revolve around them and what they do. The actions of others, who are focused on their own self-interests, are seen as competition for the center of attention and must be dispatched.

Still others may believe that the only relevant events happen because of them or to them; such is their exalted position in their minds.

Fear can also come into play. If you are not comfortable with being in the Universe or you lack confidence, fear may lead to inappropriate responses when problems arise.

I suspect that there are facets of other personalities that can come into play, so this list isn't exhaustive. Of what's shown here, I might expect that the first and last topics could apply very well to Transgender folks.

For the first, is you spent a lot of time and effort in hiding your true feelings, or fought to actually figure out what they were, there might not have been much time and effort left over to sort out coping mechanisms. It's possible that one's actions could easily be derailed because there's no sense of what you do when things are difficult.

For the last, being uncomfortable and lacking confidence can happen if you're not sure about how you fit in, or even IF you fit in. How you feel internally is very different from the societal messages that you receive externally. It's very easy to make bad decisions in that situation.

DeeAnn

[Melissa Rose]

2012 Melissa? Wow, we have been through a lot since. I still remember seeing through my peripheral vision, bodies drop outside and over your shoulder. Yikes!
We are both drop-dead gorgeous so of course bodies are going to drop in our presence. ;-)
For those who are a bit confused, we were in the bar at the top of the Stratsophere in Las Vegas. There was a thrill ride where you were put into a harness attached to a cable. You jumped off the really tall tower and the cable slowed you down as you approached the ground about 1000 feet below the starting point. At random intervals, we would see a body plummet past the window. Talk about drama.

[becky77]

Passing privilege is a biggy, I think I'm guilty of forgetting it's been easier for me than for for some others.

All those years of living as a man has resulted in a poor self image which I know I project out sometimes, getting way better though. In a way that's a form of Transphobia of self.