Thoughts on coming out

[Janet161]

I recently came out to a male friend of mine. I have known this person for about thirty years. Yes, he was surprised. I was really pleased with his reaction. He really did not know much about transgender issues and what life is like, etc. He, on his own, did some research on the internet and he and I had lunch (I was in boy mode) and he asked all these really great questions. He was very sensitive and supportive. I think he is going to be an ally. I told him how lonely I was.

As an aside, I am very closeted, a small number of people are in the know about me. I have many friends as Janet but they are not among my lifelong friends and family.

Anyway, I told him that going out to clubs is fun but its not completely satisfying and that I would like to just be able to hang out with friends. He told me that I could come over to his house to hang out. Again, what a nice thing to offer. So, I have been thinking about this and I feel kind of guilty about coming out to him ( and to the other friends and family I have come out to). In some way I kind of feel like I am using them and burdening them with my secret. Being able to talk to my friend about who I really am and having him be accepting and supportive was so wonderful. I really enjoyed talking to him about that. So why do I feel bad about it? I feel bad because I feel like I am forcing this upon him-or anyone else I come out to.

Why did I choose him, or her or anyone else in particular, to burden with this. I feel like I need to come out to people or I am not going to be able to take it anymore. If that is my motivation, then I feel like I am being selfish. I am doing this for myself and using my friends. Well, that's not good.

Then of course is the question, where does it end. Some of my friends-my new friends-counsel me against coming out to too many people and once its really out there is no going back. I know and I get that and I am careful.

I sometimes hesitate in talking to my friends that I am out too because I don't want to bring them down or burden them anymore-I know I am kind of talking in circles but I just wanted to say this. So there, I said it.

[Tracii G]

You need to stop feeling guilty.
You told them so now they know and there is no need to push any more on them.
I have a few old friends that know about me girl side and they are fine with it but I don't talk about it now that they know.
One lady friend I have of 40 years that I told will ask how my girl side is doing and we might talk about clothes or if Miss T has gotten anything new or if she has gone out lately that kind of thing.
You aren't burdening them with anything so let it go and stop feeling guilty.

[Tina81]

Listen to Traci...you're not a burden. You're true friends won't care and will support you. True friendship is unconditional. Accept their support and enjoy the moment.

[Teresa]

Janet,
I do know the feeling, I try to remember that it may be on my mind but it won't be on theirs so they won't want to talk about it all the time. I find I've reached a level of enough people knowing about it that they may discuss it among themselves. I always leave it open that I don't mind talking about it if they wish to ask anything .
As a good friend said to me minority groups have a problem keeping things to themselves because only a minority know about them, the problem is the majority aren't always that interested, he was talking more about gay people but I got the drift that he was partially including me.
The problem we have is the more people that know the easier it becomes to accept ourselves, maybe going as far as feeling normal, sorry to use that word !

[carrie001]

Hi Janet! I have felt exactly the same way at times! "What right do I have to burden someone else with my baggage?" So here are my thoughts.

I'm out to my wife and two other friends. When I came out out to one of them, he said he felt bad that I'd lived hidden like this for so long. That made me almost breakdown and cry. I never expected that kind of response. I also made me realize that it's ok to need people to talk to and to have people in your life that understand you.

It's weird that I pride myself on being the kind of friend that would always be there if I was needed, but it took so long for me to feel ok being the one that needed to open up to someone else.

I hope this helps a little. :)

[raeleen]

I echo the sentiment that this is nothing to feel guilty about, janet. Your friends are your friends to provide support and love to you, and I'm sure you have done the same for them. This feels like a burden because it's something you've carried by yourself for so long, and in your mind, you're forcing it on others. But to them, they're just helping you carry the burden. they're doing what friends do.

I think it's important to share with those you trust. to build a community of support that you don't have to censor yourself with. People who know your whole self will see it as a gift. And I think they'll feel lucky and honored that you've shared with them. The few folks who do know both sides of me, I feel like I can let my guard down a bit and really start to just be myself.

I hope you find more support amongst your friends in the future, hun. good luck to you!

[Sarah Doepner]

When my friend Sue started coming out to friends and family she always tried to make sure they had someone other than Sue to talk to about it. Another friend in the know, a family member or someone else also entrusted with this information can be a great outlet for them, if they need one. That reduces the burden part significantly and normalizes the situation so it's not as much of a secret. When I started coming out, I followed the same rule and it's really helped.

As for the guilt, there is no reason to feel guilty for showing someone you they have earned your trust above others. The respect you are getting in return seems to justify that confidence and you should let your friend know from time to time how you feel about that response.