Oops, out... could use a little advice

[AllisonS]

I messed up. I accidentally outed myself to my 18 year old daughter yesterday. She said she was going to spend the night at her Mom's house, like she does every Sunday night. Long story short, she didn't leave. She took a nap in her room. She briefly saw me. I changed back to drab. I talked to her. At first she didn't believe me. She thought I was hiding a girlfriend in my bedroom. After a few minutes, she did get it. She didn't freak out at all. I told her I messed up, I didn't intend to involve her in this right now and that she should feel free to ask me anything she wants. The first question of course was am I gay. I said no. She asked if I was like Caitlyn Jenner. I said kind of, but not the same as that. I am not uncomfortable being male. It was a 10-minute conversation, then she was out the door to go to her Mom's. My daughter and I are having dinner together tonight.

Anyway, my question for you all is:

Can you recommend a website or short description of what crossdressing is that would be appropriate to give to my 18-yr old daughter to help her understand what is going on with her Dad? I know there are many, I'm just looking for something short and simple. If any of you have experienced anything similar and want to offer advice, that would be great.

My general situation is that I do not want to be out to people who would only be bothered by it (rightly or wrongly that is the category I had my daughter in) and I do not want to undermine my career. I have dependents.

Thanks,
Allison

[larry]

"MY" Thought is just tell her like you said in your last two sentences.

[Lorileah]

she is free to read the public sections here without joining. At 18 she is free to join after that if she wants.


For you to read http://www.lambdalegal.org/know-your-rights/transgender/trans-parenting-faq

for her to read Huffingtonpost did an article. I am sure PPFLAG has information. I wouldn't let her google and read some of the hate sites.

My thought is that there is no better resource than you. You can answr her questions and if there are some you can't, you being with her to research would be ideal

Good luck

[ClaudineD]

Educate....Educate...Educate.....seems like her first reaction was good......One revelation may lead to others in your small group...after all she IS 18....continue the talks...continue to develop her level of confidence
Always Always be honest with her.....good luck

[AllisonS]

Thanks. Good advice. I didn't think about the what not to read guidance. I was surprised how many good articles there are if you search "crossdress" at HuffPo. Too sophisticated for the most part, for now. I'm just looking for a basic fact sheet. I agree I am her best resource but part of being that resource is guiding any reading she is interested in doing... if she is.

[Suzie Petersen]

Since it is highly likely she will google and explore on her own, I would suggest you spend some time warning her of the many highly inappropriate and misguided websites out there and suggest to her to check with you on any "Fact" she finds online. Just to make sure what she "learns" is actually in line with who you are.
Visiting this website on her own could easily confuse or disturb her grately.

- Suzie

[Krististeph]

"Larry's" Thought is just tell her like you said in your last two sentences.

Larry said it: Communication. Denial of CD causes lots of problems- for everyone. Work through it. Share and trust. There is a risk that a teen may react adversely- but generally they get that mom and dad do love them despite whatever else goes on.

Have her chat with us. I've never met you before, I know nothing about you. I'll give a very up front description of what it feels like.

[AllisonS]

So, this afternoon I told her I was going to tell her older sister so she could have someone to talk to about it if she wants to. I meant to do that anyway. She liked that, but said, it doesn't really matter because it doesn't affect me. Then she said she was so tired of not having money to shop for clothes. I was like..wait, what? Now we're talking about shopping?

[Suzie Petersen]

Then she said she was so tired of not having money to shop for clothes. I was like..wait, what? Now we're talking about shopping?

No ... now you are talking about blackmail! ;)

- Suzie

[AllisonS]

LOL... I know. She's been a tough negotiator since she was 3.

[Tracii G]

Sounds like she sees a chance to play you so be careful and don't play into that game.
You are still the parent and not her "best friend" remember that.
She will ask friends questions or google so be ready to be answering lots of questions so just be honest and show no shame in what you do.

[AllisonS]

Good advice... thanks.

[Robin414]

As Tracii said, don't show any shame! My daughter's a tough negotiator as well and thats cool and given this is an online forum it's easy for things to be taken out of context (I really hope that wasn't a sincere blackmail remark on her part)!

There's nothing wrong with what we do, showing any sign of it is a bad idea for a lot of reasons!

[AllisonS]

No, it wasn't blackmail... It was no different than any other time over the past 15 years she has looked at all the angles to see how to get the best deal... lol She knows we're on the same team. She loves me. I don't think I've portrayed it as a negative thing. I have told her that I intended to not involve her in it because its nothing she needs to be concerned with. More evolution will happen for sure. Thanks for your advice :)

[Robin414]

Good to hear Allison, I get it, my daughter is exactly the same way, it's all good 😁

But still show no shame, that's all good too! 😉

[AllisonS]

Yeah, no its not that. Susie said it with a wink.

[josrphine]

Hi Allison, I had a oops moment, yesterday too, I had Doctors appointment. I did not put any socks on an when I went in with the nurse to get weight. I always take my sneaks off, oops I forgot about my toe nails painted, well when we got into the exam rm, I said to my self oh heck I might as well fess up. Too my surprise the nurse wanted too know all about me. We talked an she was up for us meeting me as Josephine . Interesting Jo

[Beverley Sims]

I do not recommend websites or literature to explain it, just talk to her and answer her questions.

Under no circumstances should you embellish the stories.

Tell the truth and no more.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Allison. You say you messed up. I'm not so sure that's the case.

By chance your daughter has reached 18 and became an adult when this event happened, so society deems her old enough to deal with reality in all its forms.

She didn't run screaming and crying from the room, so you have an indication that although she might have been surprised, it wasn't a fatal blow to her psyche.

You didn't run screaming and crying from the room. You handled it very well IMO. You said, 'I messed up, I didn't intend to involve (you) in this right now and (you) should feel free to ask me anything (you) want.'

So she knows it wasn't your intention for her to see you, but that now she has it is not a taboo topic.

Nothing about CDing is illegal or immoral.

It's an aspect of her father, who loves her and cares about her feelings.

Perhaps you feel you want to explain yourself further, but believe me, she's been hitting Google hard since it happened, and perhaps putting out feelers among her peers to find out if anyone she knows has had a parallel experience. She may or may not have queried her mom, I'm sure you'll find out sooner or later, and if it was a secret from her mom, you can expect social repercussions. I think you know you must never make your daughter feel in any way accountable for anything that arises from her possible questions to others, incl your ex.

Don't overthink it, don't feel you have to find this perfect 'in a nutshell' definition of it. Try not to make a big deal of it and follow your daughter's lead. Who knows, she may prefer not to mention it, or she may be bursting with curiosity. Probe very gently and if you get the slightest impression that she's uncomfortable talking about it, just drop it and act normal. She may need time to process.

Please do tell us how your dinner goes.

Hugs,

Nikki

[AllisonS]

Nikki, If you mean it may have been a happy accident, I agree. The way she seems to be handling it so far is as good as I could hope for. None of us like being in the closet, so yes I am happy to be out with her. I don't have to stress about "things" being found in the house. That feels better.

We didn't go out for dinner. She had her boyfriend over and we three watched "The Bachelorette" together. It was fun... normal. He's a good guy to be willing to watch that with her. I enjoyed it tho :) Thanks for all of your good advice.

[Teresa]

Allison,
I would leave it as it is and let her think about it, she may or may not come to you for questions but don't try and take it further unless she does ask.

I came out to my daughter by accident, she didn't see me dressed but saw me ironing a dress which she knew didn't belong to my wife. I felt I had to say something in case she mentioned the dress to my wife , she's been very supportive since then but on occasions has sided with me and put herself in the middle of my CDing with my wife . They have had a few cross words about it so I had to ask her let it go and not get caught in the middle . Since then she hasn't seen me dressed but has seen my photos. I mentioned the possibility of another social group close to where she lives and she said I could get ready at her home, she has no objections and neither has her husband .

[Amy Fakley]

I had a similar situation about a year ago with my 14 year old (now 15) ...
this was my thread about it (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?228531-14-to-daughter-caught-me-She-s-handling-it-well-but-I-m-not&highlight=), some of the advice I received might help you as well.

It was an awful experience for me ... to this day I still feel very guilty, as if I failed her somehow as a parent. I know this is just an artifact of lingering guilt and shame beat into me by my fundamentalist/ultra-conserative upbringing, and every time I think about that moment where she caught me, it's such a struggle to put those feelings in perspective, and to understand that I actually did not screw up

The irony is that she literally doesn't even care. For starters, I didn't bring my kids up the way I was brought up. They've been raised in a fairly liberal household, and has been taught to have an accepting and open heart si ce the day they were born. But more than that, this generation seems to "get it" in ways that we oldsters can't even imagine.

They've literally never known a world without google ... they have never had to not know something they wanted to know (if the answer was out there). I think that mindset has allowed them to see the world in a less judgemental way ... it's not just my daughter (admittedly brought up in a bit of a hippie household), but her friends as well.

One aspect of coming out to my daughter actually helped. It turns out that she is gay (well questioning/bi at the very least). Shortly after she discovered my secret, she felt like she could open up to me about her own feelings, rather than keeping them bottled up.

I was able to hold her hand through everything that followed ... dating publicly, and the complexities of coming out to her friends ... it wasn't a smooth road by any means, and I don't mean to suggest that I was some sort of perfect parent or that perfect decisions were made ... but at the very least, the honesty we shared allowed me to at least offer advice, where it all probably would have been a huge secret from me otherwise.

Take that for what it's worth, and best of luck to you.

Also ... this is going to sound wierd, but watching Ru Paul's Drag Race with her actually helped her to grasp the concept of what was up with me. No, I'm not a drag queen, and I'm not gay (I'm married to her mom and we're very much in love) ...and no I'm not a crazy drama queen .... but, like those queens on TV, I also am a girl sometimes and a boy sometimes, and that's just fabulous, lol.

[flatlander_48]

A:

We can tell others what we do in great detail, but I wonder if we don't communicate enough as to what we think and feel. I think this is what humanizes us and allows people to move beyond the "guy in a dress" image.

DeeAnn

[AllisonS]

Thanks for the link Amy. That helps. Sorry you were so distraught but you seem fine now. I don't know if I just haven't hit the distraught stage yet. I feel pretty good about it today. I hope my daughter does. I know her mind is busy with it. That's what I didn't want, and why I was not out with her. But, our job as parents, especially of an 18 year old, is not to insulate them from reality. At least its not a question anymore. And, I believe I can now hang my clothes in the closet. I haven't been in the closet, let alone out.

[SeanErin]

Newbie tRaveling this road now with the SO, we have committed to succeed.

[Jocee]

My now 30 year old daughter figured it out on her own when she was 16 or so - a normal kid's curiosity, looking in closets and dresser drawers. She had a conversation with Mom (we are happy married), who promptly pointed her to me. It really about discussion and being available to answer questions. A couple of things you need to be aware of - the Internet and her need to share a secret so she can talk about it.

She is no doubt searching the web. She is going to see the full breadth of our community, from respectable sites with great information (like here) to sites that cater to those who objectify and/or belittle us. I'm sure you've done this already, but make sure you tell her that your available for ANY question that may arise. Let her explore on her own, as she probably is anyway.

She now carries your secret and it MAY be a very heavy burden depending on her socialization. The thing about this generation that so amazes me is their broader acceptance of gender variance. She may be one of those people who have experience with people who just don't fit into a box and "I'm good with it". However, she still does share a secret with you. In my daughter's case, she "fell in love" with a real jerk'. It ended after a couple of years, as he was an was a terribly controlling and emotional abusive person. At 16-17, we opted to let this run it's course with out being overly judgmental, yet watching for signs of physical abuse. She figured it out and in the process of dumping him, he started to stalk her including coming directly to our house. At that point I confronted him and essentially threatened legal interdiction should he persist. He attempted to nuke me by confronting me about my crossdressing. The moral of the story is while you may ask that she not disclose your secret, she may feel the need to due to her need to talk to others that she trusts. Not much you can do about this. BTW, my daughter, my wife and I have the closest of relationships and openly have discussions about my gender issues. In hindsight, I'm so very glad she knows.

Best of luck.

Joanna

[AllisonS]

Update: Things are really good :) We haven't talked about "it" except to acknowledge that "it" is out. Her attitude toward me is different though. I can only describe it as compassionate. She thought her mother would feel better toward me if she knew. I told her that telling your mother (my ex-) is the same as telling her best friend (huge gossip) which is the same thing as telling the whole world, which I do not think is wise. I told her I was sorry to have to ask her to keep a secret and I would not judge her or be upset with her if she couldn't keep it. Its my circumstance. I own it. Nobody else.