Having a CD friend how important ?

[Rachael Leigh]

Yesterday I had a chance to go out and meet up with a CD friend I've got here in the local area.
My friend is a member here texted me and told she was free in the morning for shopping and lunch.
I thought why not I had a day off and it would be fun.
I was so right we met up at one of the local malls and made our way in and began our shopping,
All of the SAs were just wonderful to both of us we both found a few items to try on and my friend did buy a nice pair of pants.
We walked around a bit more and decided it was lunch time, we were welcomed at the restaurant like anyone else no stares or anything it was just normal.
To that end here's my point for my friend and I it did feel normal just two friends having a normal conversation at lunch talking about our lives our children and yes grand children, do you feel the need to have CD friends like this? Is it important to do this sense they will be the only person that can relate to you and how you feel about this side of you?
I know my friend has been a big help for me, finally someone to talk to who gets this part of me.
Our families just can't put their minds around why any guy would do this and yes I get that but I feel to have a friend you can relate to is important, we as crossdressers can feel very isolated and to actually have a friend is important.
So what about you if you could find a local CD would you like to befriend them? Is that important?

[Jenniferathome]

Leigh, I have met several fellow cross dressers. Friendship can't be based on cross dressing and I think you agree. You talked with each other as friends, not cross dressers. It's just a thing and it's nice if you have a friend who can understand that but I can't hang with someone just because they are a cross dresser. I have to get along on far more levels.

[Nikki.]

Yes. I would love to have a CD friend to hang out with and be able to talk about cross dressing. My wife is my sole confidante, and while she's great, she doesn't get it, she's not really that interested in it, and I don't want to burn her out.

Edit: Jennifer's point above is very true. There would need to be other commonality. I have lots of aquaintenances but only a few friends. With my friends, we either have common present day interests or shared history.

[AllieSF]

Great question! When I first started dressing I decided that I needed to go out to "Take this show on the road" so to speak. I knew that I needed a partner in crime, a sidekick, to give me the courage when needed and to be able to share my new experiences with, also someone with some previous experience going out. I started looking and finally found two from this site, one of whom is still here and has become a good friend to go out with when she is in town. So, yes, a fellow "T" friend is such an important factor in making our initial forays out successes, which all of mine were. Funny thing is that we hardly ever really talked about dressing techniques, clothes or other somewhat typical things that some people say that they are looking for in a sidekick. Yes, we did a little at the beginning but mostly we just talked about each other, families, work, life experiences, even some politics, where to go to eat or have a glass of wine. I have been going out since a few short months after I joined this site and now actually look forward to an evening where I go out alone for a glass of wine and dinner by myself. I usually meet up with my friends later in the same evening. At the beginning I knew that I would eventually get out, but finding someone to share it all with made it so much easier and made it happen much sooner than if I found no one.

So, your experience is very similar to mine. Thanks for bringing up a good topic and experience for those who want to go out but have not yet taken that first step. One important thing about finding that person, just like stepping out the door that first time, you need to also take a pro-active approach to networking here or on other sites to meet new people and make the effort to get to know them, online, or face to face in male mode to see if they are someone you want to be with you, safety, personality and even how they dress compared to how you do, it all matters if you want to have good results and go out again with them. Thanks for sharing.

[Rachelakld]

My Cd friend & I click because we have an interest in science, it's our main topic of conversation, clothing is only mentioned when we go in to clothes shops.

[Kate Simmons]

I consider it a "nice to have" but not a necessity . I know how to function on my own well as I did it for many, many years before finding any others of my persuasion. It's nice to have someone with similar interests to talk to and do things with. Most of it depends on the particular friend really. :battingeyelashes::)

[Mollyanne]

You are soooo right when you say that a friend is an important part of our "being". No one understands our needs better than another Cd"er. I have a friend that I can turn to, share my thoughts with and not be offended by any suggestion that is made to me. I value Her friendship and hope she values mine in return.

Molly

[marlacd]

Yes, it must be on several levels if the friendship is going to be ongoing.

What ruins it, is finding out that the new friend wants to take it to a sexual level. I met several in my area. When it all started up, I thought we'd form a friendship bond. It would start out that way. But, all that I met moved pushed it quickly to sex- at our first dressed meeting. If it was just one person, fine, no thank you, I'm not going there. But every one I met? I could understand it, if I met them through Craigslist, or other venues that supported sexual encounters. One was on here, and a couple on another site.

After these encounters, I decided to investigate the local LBGT. They had meetings once every other week. I thought, hey, great, so I went dressed because I could. Oh peachy, I was the only one dressed in the group. After several meetings that way, I just dropped it all and went back to life in drab.

Now I want it on several levels, or not at all.

[Mykaa]

Yes Leigh I do think its important, your lucky to have such a friend. I do have 2 friends locally, I know the 1 is not interested in social activities like I am, we do talk but thats about it as far as any activity goes, they are married with kids and are to busy anyway. The other I suppose is the same, they dont reciprocate with communication either ( I text, but rarely get answered ). I have no idea whats considered normal social behavior for a crossdresser, Im new to the social aspect of this. I find it funny when I was just thinking about this, here is a thread on it, lol. I have started a thread similar myself. I can say I have looked for groups before anyone "suggests" that. Any well know group is not around here, I have looked when ever its been suggested, so its not like Im not trying. I found and went to a group here, I was rather disappointed, I got to meet 1 TG girl who was rather talkative, she suggested another group in another city close by, I have yet to here what it is or get info. So as of yet I havent found anyone close by or whats considered local for a friend, I will try the local club in columbia soon, shrugs.

I appreciate any form of friendship I receive. I do have a good friend I talk to on the phone regular and another occasionally, I do agree with Marla to a degree, just here on the forum isnt enough for me. I want more than just typing on a forum page, Id like some people to hang out with. ( No Im not looking for sex either)

[Kate Simmons]

Just to add to what Mykaa said, good friends in any form are like gold to me. :battingeyelashes::)

[Sara Jessica]

Yes, it must be on several levels if the friendship is going to be ongoing. What ruins it, is finding out that the new friend wants to take it to a sexual level. I met several in my area. When it all started up, I thought we'd form a friendship bond. It would start out that way. But, all that I met moved pushed it quickly to sex- at our first dressed meeting. If it was just one person, fine, no thank you, I'm not going there. But every one I met?

Good gosh, I am so grateful this has never happened to me. While I'm not saying this fueled your experiences Marla but it made me think of those who long to step out into the world by playing "dress-up" with another CD. It seems like that kind of situation could significantly increase the odds that such (unwanted) advances will happen. Think about it, women don't connect on that level and in doing so from our POV, it seems that one is asking for a very superficial friendship at best which is unlikely to thrive (unless both want to get it on, I guess).


Leigh, I have met several fellow cross dressers. Friendship can't be based on cross dressing and I think you agree. You talked with each other as friends, not cross dressers. It's just a thing and it's nice if you have a friend who can understand that but I can't hang with someone just because they are a cross dresser. I have to get along on far more levels.

I could have written this Jennifer. I have been fortunate to make friends with others who are similar to me in terms of family, career, interests, etc. A good friend of mine has said (I'm paraphrasing here) that friendship must go beyond the TG thing to thrive, something which I completely endorse.

[Beverley Sims]

For me, CD friends just happen as a matter of course.

I do not search them out and the friends I have are important to me in a special way.

It is a friendship that has grown through time.

[Rachael Leigh]

Wow I've hit on something important and honestly I'm not surprised. One thing I should mention both my friend and I have had experience of being out just not together, we both go out on our own around once a week but I do think when you can find a friend who is intrested in meeting for coffee or whatever it really can be great.
To your point Maria, yes I think the sexual thing can always be a caution light for sure and yes I would agree if your not looking for that but just someone to hang with so to speak that can really mess things up and it certainly would not be my idea of being good friends.
Thanks all so far for your thoughts

[Alexa CD]

Having a friend who is also a CD would be quite interesting I think. Being around someone else who likes to dress up and look feminine like I do is something I have yet to experience, I'm still not sure I would go out anywhere fully dressed but maybe I could be encouraged if I had someone else. Having that in coming and talking about it would be nice.

To me it wouldn't be an issue if the relationship became casually sexual, I'm young and I'm sure I'd only enjoy it. Maybe it would even progress further. I've had friends with benefits relationships before, it doesn't change the friendship dynamic very much, it only really adds to it.

[Rachael Leigh]

Leigh, I have met several fellow cross dressers. Friendship can't be based on cross dressing and I think you agree. You talked with each other as friends, not cross dressers. It's just a thing and it's nice if you have a friend who can understand that but I can't hang with someone just because they are a cross dresser. I have to get along on far more levels.


Very true Jenn before meeting we talked via the phone as well as texting and while dressing was a good part of the topics we also talked about other things so yes, it's important to have other interest

[claire1d]

I agree that to become true friends the common interests have to go beyond CD topics. On the other hand, I would welcome to just have someone local to talk to about CD things so I don't have to overwhelm my wife with CD related discussions. She is very supportive but I feel that not taking advantage of the situation is also key to maintain her support.

[Alice Torn]

I have been a lone ranger in my CD career totally solitary. I would be nice to be able to meet someone for tea or coffee, and walk, or shop. Nothing sexual.

[Tracii G]

I agree with Jennifer having things in common beside CD ing needs to be a part of it
Friends first and CD's second.
It may start as CD's but getting to point where you become friends it is so much better.

[heatherdress]

Leigh, I have met several fellow cross dressers. Friendship can't be based on cross dressing and I think you agree. You talked with each other as friends, not cross dressers. It's just a thing and it's nice if you have a friend who can understand that but I can't hang with someone just because they are a cross dresser. I have to get along on far more levels.

I totally agree with Jennifer. It might be nice to have acquaintances who crossdress, but true friendship involves commonalities, trust and inner connections well beyond similar interests in high heels or bras.

[docrobbysherry]

I have a "special" CD friend and we often don't!:eek:
We met at local dresser's function. And, we r from different generations and nationalities! So, it took over a year for us to discover how much we have in common and develop trust.

We hang out a lot now. Not just to attend local T functions together. We usually go to those together, tho. But, we go to bars, restaurants, theater, and games together all the time, too.

Now, GET THIS! She passes and is COMFORTABLE DRESSED! :battingeyelashes:

I DON'T PASS and am NOT COMFORTABLE DRESSED!:doh:

When we go out locally, she dresses and I don't. Most folks wonder about the old white guy with the cute Asian girlfriend!:devil:

[PattyT]

I would very much like to have a CD as a friend. If I found a CD who would like to become a friend I would be thrilled. Sometimes I feel very isolated being the only CD around, like I was from some place like Mars.

[Tracii G]

That sounds like a great friendship Sherry kudos.
I have a few younger lady friends that I shop enfemme with and I'm sure when I'm not dressed enfemme and we are having dinner together it must look odd to some people.LOL
The young guys probably wonder what has that old dude got that attracts younger women???

[JaytoJillian]

My therapist says that such connections are key and she encourages me to develop friendships with others on the TG spectrum.

[Teresa]

Leigh,
This a very interesting question and I'm glad you've asked it. I was thinking about a thread associated to this question but I can hopefully make my point here. I have two friends one a long time photographer friend who knows about my CDing , we go out for lunch and talk about families, photography, my CDing but it is as two male friends, neither of us have a problem with that.
I have now built up a friendship with a member from the forum, we met in drab had a coffee and I showed him around my town we also meet up dressed at our social meeting dressed and talk with other members. Neither of us are fully out to meet up dressed in public, we are arranging to meet up in drab, but I'm uncomfortable with going shopping together or the thought of meeting up dressed, I'm totally OK with being seen as a CDer in a group but not as a couple if there's a possibility of being considered gay.
I know it's a problem I have to come to terms with , my wife accuses me of being homophobic , which I'm not but it's just I can't relate to male to male relationships in a sexual way , by the way the other person isn't gay either.

I know it's sounds odd being a open and honest about CDing but I can't live with people thinking I'm gay. I have known quite a few and worked with them I didn't have a problem with that they are just people wired differently but all have been nice people.

I was going to ask Jenniferathome sometime ago when she posted about meeting up with a CDer to help them along if she has any reservations about the concerns I have mentioned , if so how does she deal with it ?

[AllieSF]

Teresa,

I can understand peoples initial fears of meeting up with another CD. Once I started dressing and going out a little, I realized that I wanted to do that more and I wanted and, more importantly, needed someone to go out with. In trying to meet people, I was always willing to meet in male mode just to get to know the other person, for me to see if I even wanted to be out with them (personality compatibility) and whether they wanted to go out with me for the same reasons, and also to see if they had the courage to meet their commitment to show up when we set a place and time. I had several no shows, where I was the only one in the coffee shop waiting for someone. My only requirement for meeting was that they show up, or at least call me with time to tell me that they couldn't make it. If you limit your contact with those that you want to contact because of your fears, you will be missing out on some very enjoyable moments, and maybe even some very good friendships. That to me seems like a big loss in life.

As to being "considered" gay, I have a hard time with your reasoning, which sounds homophobic since you see that connotation as bad. Go to any restaurant, bar, pub or coffee shop and you will likely see two men sitting at a table or the bar chatting. Do you really think that anyone is going to think that they are gay? The only way I could see that is if they were holding hands, showing affection through body signals, or if I was sitting close enough to hear some of their conversation. You have shown a lot of courage here laying out your thoughts, worries and issues for all of us to read. Why not take that courage and realize that there is nothing wrong if someone mis-labels you as gay. You have let someone's else's issues become your own. If you are asked, just say, "No, I am not." Really simple and very direct and honest. If you have some courage left over, ask them why they thought so. The same goes for your family if they ever ask, which seems like they might since they know that you CD. I think that is an area that you need to work on as you grow further into who you are. Just be proud that you are who you are, a successful adult male with a family who has more than one wonderful side to himself.

[StarrOfDelite]

If I meet a person with whom I'd like to have a friendship, neither the person's actual physical sex apparatus, gender presentation, nor sexual orientation are factors. Their intelligence, character, and social attitudinal compatibility are the determining factors.

I like to have a Wing Girl when I go clubbing, It's been often pointed on this forum that a single person in feminine presentation is thought by many males to be a Target. I think it's easier for two or three CD's to blend than a singleton, too. I have two good acquaintances who often go out with me, but I've never seen either of them in Drab, and have very little desire to take our relationships past the Wing Girl thingy.

[Teresa]

Allie,
As I said my wife accused me of being homophobic but it's more to do with not relating to male to male relationship, possibly because I'm bi-gender on the female side.
I'm OK with going out with male friends for a meal drink whatever, my problem comes if I were dressed and the possibility of being misread as gay in a one to one situation.
I agree it's something I need to work on, I haven't asked my photographer friend ( who again isn't gay ) how he feels about meeting in our usual pub for a lunch time meal with me dressed . We've known each other for years so he'll give me a straight answer.

I should stress that I don't have a problem with the gay community, if you can be happy in a relationship it doesn't matter about gender !

[raeleen]

I think making friends with other cd's is important just to help build a community of support. Having other folks who have experienced some of that guilt many of us went through growing up, or just understanding how tough it can be to find clothes that fit right, is huge. You relate to others through these shared experience. Of course matching personality wise helps too, and is ultimately what seals the deal for two individuals to become friends, but the thing I think si important with meeting other CD girls is that you start to be able to uncensor parts of your lives. I'm not in a place where I can ask a good girl friend where she got her outfit because I think it's cute and I want to shop there. I can't explain to another friend that I experience vulnerability too walking to my car at night in a skirt and heels. But having someone I can talk about these things to makes a big difference.

What has been even more liberating is having some people (only a couple right now) who know both sides of me. I feel like I can truly be my fullest self and just talk! It's been amazing.

Ultimately, we all need support, and we need to find it in a way that works for us. My support is different from someone else's, but having it is what counts.

[Jaylyn]

Thus far I have never been out dressed, but have visited many on here that I consider an important part of my dressing. We discuss things over emails and by IMs although we have never met in real time. I find this helps fill a need for some communication about our CD habits and what we enjoy. Nothing ever sexual in here but usually about topics related to what we enjoy as CDs. It would be nice to meet one day. It's also very scary to me as I'm not out to the world and you really don't know a person just on the other end of a chat line. I do find it comforting to know I'm not alone in what I feel, do and act though thru the few I visit with. I think if I were ever to meet it would be in drab until I got to know them. The thought though of both being dressed is intriguing and exciting also.

[Teresa]

Jaylyn,
You should really try and and get together with a member close to you, It really does help balance your CDing and get things in perspective when it's face to face, I did as others suggest and do it in drab to get to know the person. It is then an interesting experience to meet dressed, especially when your first time is with a group of forty others , some with partners. Intriguing and exciting yes to a point but the basics of walking in heels on different surfaces, getting use to carrying a handbag, going to the bathroom and then meeting the public and staff at the hotel is quite a learning curve. I just kept smiling through the wobbles but once out there's no going back !

[Vintage4sarah]

In my journey of become the Tgirl that I desire to be, I found one of the most valuable tipping point was developing strong friendships with other Tgirls. This has helped with mundane details like make-up and fashion to more intimate talk about our past and relationship with others. One key element for me was not just "girl talk" (which I love), but, solid friendships with varied interest of many other topics.

[Charlessa]

I'd love to have a friend that crossdressed. I've never even met one. it would be awesome to have someone to talk to about this stuff. of course, there has to be a real friendship on other levels too. maybe one day.....

[TSKimberly]

I say that having a CD or greater friend is bordering on necessary. Who else am I going to talk to about stuff? For me, there is no one else.

[phili]

So many of us are solitary in crossdressing, and not otherwise, so we naturally wish we didn't have that wall dividing our lives.

I say it too, "If only we had a friend for this part of our lives... "but that is not that easy- friends are whole people and it is clearly simpler just to be ourselves with the friends we already have. If they are good friends, and we aren't asking them to be different- i.e. find us sexy, or talk about how interesting crossdressing is, etc. [lol!!], then it is going to be fine. If they aren't good friends, they might dump us, and any kind of social contact is better than none, so we don't want that, but int he end we are better off just being ourselves and finding people who we share interests with. In the end crossdressing is going to be understood for what it is - we are attached to it just like we might be to sports team logos, our jobs, our politics, or whatever else that people may be over invested in- but can still have fun with friends!

I feel very happy going to museums or wherever in one of my favorite outfits, and as I am blatantly not trying to pass, and not trying to get special attention, people either politely ignore me or are really nice and friendly - I think because I am clearly harmless. It is the next best thing to coming out to our friends- just having a normal person in the outside world accept us at a very basic level satisfies the need in a nice way. I can put up with being in the closet around closed minded neighbors with ease after I have a day out.

Bottom line is that if you are in need of a friend, I recommend just going out any place it is safe- and being yourself- it is like finding yourself- not as a split personality, but as one person! that is what friends do for us.

As you can see from my picture, I've come to realize it is not important [for being accepted and treated well] to pass, and actually works better when you don't try to pass- since that can feel confusing to others- what are they supposed to do- pretend? That isn't genuine, so it can make the encounter not feel good.