So unsure of who I am or what I want

[Sarah-RT]

Hey all

It's been months since I've been active on the forums, I'm not sure exactly why.
I've been attending gender counselling since January or Early February but I don't feel like I'm moving in any direction with it (not that the counsellor is bad I just can't bring myself to accept a decision)

I've never thought of myself as female and I still don't, I don't have a disconnect with my body as Ive taught myself to accept as the 'norm' for requiring transition.
The problem I have is with my brain. My counsellor keeps asking "how I feel inside", something previous clients or her training has brought her to do but I don't feel anything, it's like being numb. I can get enjoyment from things and understand when I'm angry or stressed but she makes it seem like you need butterflies in your stomach etc whereas I only have my thoughts.

She says that thoughts have to be acknowledged but that they are not real, only thoughts but that's all I have, for the last several months all I can think about is starting HRT, I performed pretty badly in the semester of college because of it. At times it seemed like depression but I don't have anything really to be depressed about and I had depression a few years ago where I was unemployed and had the mentality of not having a reason to live, it doesn't feel like that now, I've holidays planned, events and concerts to go to however my enthusiasm for them comes and goes because my thoughts keep jumping to "I could do them as female and it'd be an improvement "

I suffer from anxiety when I want to go out in the world as female so I tend to avoid doing it even though in the past I really enjoyed it.

I tried thinking that the dressing I do was fetishistic, that I had autogynephilia because my sexual habits had gone to fantasising about being female in sex etc, this caused a lot of shame and guilt though I've found through counselling that I may have an unhealthy relationship with porn, I've since stopped and have abstained from sexual activities. I tidied my room out the other day and half purged, I dumped my make up and was planning on dumping the clothes because I felt if it was gone and I stayed away from porn I'd return to normal and the over activity of my brain would cease and I could carry I with life.

I ended up keeping the clothes and spent all afternoon yesterday as Sarah, I regretted dumping my make up and plan on replacing it, it was entirely non sexual and due to abstaining I could pick out which thoughts were sexual and ignore them.

The issue is that when I dress is that I can only look for ways to improve my image, I constantly desire breasts and want to rid my body hair, I also can't stop pondering having SRS done as well. I end up debating constantly in my mind if I could go through with it but fear of judgement, getting a career etc plays a big part of the argument. I do this most of the day, it gets me In work while I'm doing my job and it distracts me in college, it sends me into a moody state as I'm negatively arguing about something.

Some days I'll feel I don't need to be female and try and be content with that but I find I can't continue that mindset for long, on the opposite side some days I think I can be the person I think I want to be, or could be but the mental gymnastics crush it down.

I went into the counselling with a half mind that she would make a decision based on what I said but I know that's not her job but I feel I can't make a decision to go forward and I can't go back, part of me says how could I have a family and someone who would love me when I can't be the typical male, I can't resist the longing to be female but my satisfaction diminishes quickly after I change to a female image when all I can dwell on is improving it through augmentation and surgeries.

I go through spells of avoiding friends because the effeminate side of me comes out and I can't cope with being male to them but at the time being psychologically female to me.

My counsellor asked did I think this was what dysphoria is but I said it didn't match up to what I can read online but it also doesn't feel like enough of a push to transition, or more that I'm capable of enduring it irregardless of the fact it turns me moody, prevents me from focusing on life, it ruins my conversation abilities and I don't feel normal because of it.
i also told her my fear, apart from transitioning and having to cope with that is what if I'm wrong, and I do transition but my mentality remains the same, then I'll have ruined my life and probably couldn't live with that, I rarely make tough decisions.

If I end up distracted from my thoughts by a conversation or tv or a film I feel fine but when I realise I haven't been thinking about trans things it all comes flooding back or I do a lot of hindsight thinking such as "I could have had that conversation as female and it'd have been better"

Does anyone have any similarities, my life is crumbling but I don't know how to stop it, who to be or what to do.

Sarah :(

[MissDanielle]

if you could flip a switch and be a female for the rest of your life, would you do it?

[Dana44]

While I'm gender fluid, I do have gender dryphoria, and it pushes hard. But then I switch back. You may be like that. In the transgender umbrella, it has many of us almost totally female but still with our born parts. I myself like my parts and will always be me even though I m half and half. I know quite a few tarns that lives as a girl with there born parts. I dated couple trans and they had their parts but were very feminine girls. I thought they were all like that until I came here.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

my life is crumbling but I don't know how to stop it, who to be or what to do.


sounds like me back in the day...
i never thought of myself as a woman...i never had any body issues including my genitals..i felt guilty and ashamed about my "fantasy"...

the train ran me over around 45 yrs old and after a couple years of therapy decided to transitiion

I still have a problem "thinking of myself" as a woman... but frankly i don't think cisgendered people think about it much eitther.... they take it for granted..

and its a funny thing about transition, i take my gender for granted now too... gender is so innate it can be felt and experienced without any intellectual understanding of it all...
but you can't really feel it and benefit from the feeling until you live it...you are experiencing some of that already i think..

you should explore which of your thoughts are constructive and real, and which of them are your own internal coping constructs... that's hard work...and it can really hurt...but you gotta do it..and based on your OP you already know some things but just find it hard to accept..

when you can't function well because of this, that's classic gender dysphoria... and you are only going to improve if you get closer to your gender "truth" whatever that is...

how many transsexuals do you know personally? Cd's?? can you talk to them about your feelings directly? that helps alot of people to talk about this in a group setting or in conversations

[LeaP]

My therapist spent a lot of time and effort reconnecting me with my emotions. It started out with questions like yours: tell me how you feel about that, describe that feeling, when that happens how do you feel, etc. She might as well been talking to an alien. At first I'd actually say "what do you mean"? She'd start drilling me ... and I'd start "I think ... " she would stop me. "You're telling me what you think, not feel." And if respond "But that's what I think ..."

Hopeless. I didn't REALLY even know what she meant. So she started me down the path of emotional exercise assignments and mindful meditation. It took time. A lot of time. My feelings were still there, of course, but I wasn't aware of them as such. They had typically manifest as stock behavior patterns - virtually all of which were defensive and created distance from others and facilitated inner retreat.

Numb, as you put it.

I pinpoint the breakthrough to a time walking to work from the train. One of the triggers for me was to work on being aware of suddenly feeling different. Could be good. Could be bad. Even indifferent as long as it was a perceived change. I don't remember the nature of the change, just that I recognized ... something. I did what I had been told. I sat down immediately, focused on "it" until I understood and felt it. I sat there over a half hour. And in THAT exercise THAT day managed to not only feel something, but peel back through a few layers of cause and effect - all completely unconscious. In short, I was PO'd at someone. And when I figured it out, I was really angry. Again, I don't remember the details, but I do remember that what I was thinking at the time I stopped had no apparent relation to who I was mad at. Amazing.

I've slowly fallen away from mindfulness exercises, though Kaitlyn recently reminded me after I reported some issues. My emotions flow easily now and I let them. I STILL feel the pull to suppress them, though, and I STILL feel embarrassed at time about expressing them openly.

So don't expect an easy path out. But it's eminently possible. And worth the (initially considerable) effort.

[Badtranny]

if you could flip a switch and be a female for the rest of your life, would you do it?

Pardon me, but that's a silly ass question.

Every CD with a boner would answer this ridiculous question in the affirmative. I think 80% of trans erotic fiction starts out just that way in fact.

Sarah, your problem is simple isolation. You will never figure yourself out by sitting in your closet and writing fevered prose. You talk about transition as if it were one simple pull of the pin and now whooops you can't go back. The reality is you make the decision to transition, and then you endure a few years of coming out and assimilating. It is a long long long process and you won't make it past the first year if you're not really feelin' it.

You wanna know if you're really trans? Then come out. Get real with your world. You can do that right now. If you don't want to take that big of a jump, then just GO out. Experiment with how you want to express yourself. Find some friends, join some clubs, get the hell out of your own head and experience life in another dimension. Crossdressing in secret is no way to live your life. You're too young to already be scared of your future. Grow some courage and go find yourself. You may find out that you're just a little kinky, or maybe you're gay, or maybe you're a CD, or maybe you're a trans woman. Nobody knows what you are and you won't know either until you do the work.

[Frances]

Exactly what Melissa said. The answer is in experiential knowledge. Fantasy is far too idealized.

[Sarah-RT]

Lea that resonates with me so much, I find myself every time im in counselling beginning a sentence with 'I feel... No, I think..'' I find it so difficult to feel anything and when I try to reach into my core as my counselor suggests my mind throws up a distraction and its almost funny how difficult it is to try to just be and look within. One way it goes for me is I think im feeling constricted inside but im so unsure of what the feeling is and my brain reacts by deflecting the issue away, almost as if to prevent me from finding out. It seems so absurd.

I was in work yesterday and found myself being so incredibly irritable that I was lashing out when alone and getting childishly frustrated at everything, one of my coworkers asked was I okay because one of the other staff pointed out how angry I seemed. And it bothers me that Im like that, just a complete lack of control of myself and unsure of how to fix it.
A lot of my actions seem strange to me as well, ill spend 30 minutes dwelling on how I cant possibly be trans* and every reason against it and then as soon as I do something such as looking in the mirror, walking somewhere or whatever else, I find Im wondering if my behind is swaying, or thinking my nails would be nicer painted or that I should shave my arms soon or whatever other various perceived flaws I can. I cant even answer if it makes me content to think like that, I 'Think' it does as I imagine myself going home to shave or wax etc.

I convinced myself it must be OCD but ive never noticed anything like it before in my life, I basically googled everything wrong with myself and thought it must be borderline personality disorder and so on, because I need it to be something, something that can be solved so I can continue on with life but I dont believe it is any of them and all my thoughts lead back to trans* related areas.

Melissa you are right in regard to living in the closet, next month last year I came out to my friends and family that I was genderfluid because I didnt feel like a crossdresser but I didnt think I had dysphoria or that transitioning was something I needed to do, or even wanted to do. Over the course of the last year Ive gone out into the world or had friends over to my house(while ive been female) and life felt good then around november or december I discovered I was having difficulties shaving my face completely clean and it began to frustrate me, the time it took to grow long enough to cut off was around 3-4 days so I couldnt wear makeup as I pleased because the stubble bothered me, I got so worked up over it I came close to getting it lasered off which was when I decided to go to counselling because I felt if I was spending as often as I could dressed as female, I wanted my facial hair permanently removed and began thinking of future situations where I would be female.

I also had some moments where I felt like I was running on auto pilot or something, I went out for my birthday as female and while out I said to one of my friends 'I think I prefer being this way' as I said it felt like I had turned off and someone else had spoken it using my body, I had a similar issue where I was on holidays and cried one evening, one of my friends asked what was wrong and I said I didnt know, the following morning I tried to explain it to him and what came out of my mouth was 'I think I want to be a woman', but again I felt like I had no control over saying it, it just happened.
I havent had an experience like that in the last few months but my head has just become so clouded, the urgency to remove my facial hair has dwindled but I think about it often enough as well as other things such as HRT that its troubling enough that I cant function correctly, or at least to what I think would be normal.

I do agree as well that getting out into the world is obviously the only way to discover and know, lately ive been taking small steps to ease myself in because of how anxious I get. Ive started wearing mascara regularly, I use female deodorants and hygiene products and i havent gotten my hair cut in almost a year, Ive put so much hope onto my hair as its the only physical thing I can change by myself easily, my train of thought on it is that when its long enough Ill be able to style it etc, at the moment I can get a small pony tail out of it but the lack of length bothers me because I cant do much with it, similarly ive male pattern baldness so the side areas of my fringe are receeded and that leads me to thinking about having my hair line lowered. Ive also begun losing weight for the sole intention of being thin to improve my female image and nothing else.

Its that conflict with myself that presumably causes the moods I end up in, I try to ignore some of the thoughts but It seems impossible and I get triggered very easily, I also find it very difficult to be attracted to people anymore, I obviously know what is attractive but i find myself trying to emulate aspects of other peoples images and mannerisms than wanting to be with them.
I know a big part of my problem is fear and anxiety which holds me back from doing things, my counselor suggested going to the inhouse psychologist for an assessment, as she pointed out you can be diagnosed with gender dysphoria but not need to do anything afterward, that it may be helpful just in knowing, but I think I might be afraid of finding that out.

Ugh, I feel like such a mental case, sorry for the rambling.

Sarah

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry to treat this like a blog but I've had a bit of an update, went to my best friends last night for a house party as Sarah , had a good time after the apprehension left. My brain cooled down a fair bit. Got home today and had my outfit still on under a pair of sweat pants and a hoody because I've grown a fear from my mom. Went up to my room to change because I'm off to see Bruce Springsteen later today and I was listening to waiting on a sunny day and just started bawling my eyes, I'm still upset now. My heart is racing in my chest and I feel breathless from it, I think I was feeling "something is wrong" but my mind has begun throwing up a defense to it and while I can actually feel an uneasiness in my chest my mind is telling me everything is fine

[AmyGaleRT]

You wanna know if you're really trans? Then come out. Get real with your world. You can do that right now. If you don't want to take that big of a jump, then just GO out. Experiment with how you want to express yourself. Find some friends, join some clubs, get the hell out of your own head and experience life in another dimension. Crossdressing in secret is no way to live your life. You're too young to already be scared of your future. Grow some courage and go find yourself. You may find out that you're just a little kinky, or maybe you're gay, or maybe you're a CD, or maybe you're a trans woman. Nobody knows what you are and you won't know either until you do the work.

This is such a good point! I know, for my part, that it was when I began to get out regularly as a woman, and even to have social obligations as a woman, that I became much more accustomed to thinking of myself as a woman, and being seen and accepted as a woman. When I'm being Amy, that's simply what I am: a woman.

Now I'm trying to work on reminding myself of this when I have to present as ostensibly-male. Every so often, I need to tell myself, "I am a woman; I am feminine; I am graceful." It does help.

- Amy

[Marcelle]

Hi Sarah,

In a way I can relate to your story as it described me perfectly three years ago when everything came crashing down. I had an inkling for a very long, long time I was not wired quite like the other boys around me and given the time period I grew up in, I hid/suppressed/beat down any desire I had to admit I was really a girl/woman. I hid behind a male façade for decades, joined the military and gravitated to Alpha male employment all in a effort to prove I was mucho, macho manly man. I bulked up, got into all things MMA just to feel an ounce of stereotypically masculinity. It worked in a way. The trade off was a decent into all things bitter, angry, mean . . . an all around nasty d-bag who made everyone around me feel miserable including my lovely wife. Eventually this all collapsed into a very dark moment in my life three years ago where one decision would mean existing or not . . . I chose to exist:).

Existence though meant understanding and accepting myself for who I was and at that time I did not know who I was. I knew I liked to wear women's clothing so I must be a cross dresser and that is what brought me to this site. Eventually I went through the whole CDing gambit of discussing shoes, dresses, make-up and what not, found a local CDing support group but soon realized I had nothing in common with CDing folk (no offence meant to those who CD folks . . . I just don't have common ground). I worked with a therapist who provided me no answers but worked like mad to make me understand myself. Eventually I settled on "gender fluid" which I believe was my way of holding on to the last vestige of "him" and it wasn't until I realized there never was a "him" and only "her" that I let him slip away forever. The interesting thing was once I let go and accepted myself as a woman both in my private and public life it stopped being about the clothing, the make-up the hair and more about just being and living authentically I was meant to live. I still do all my former hobbies as I truly enjoy them but I enjoy them even more because the real me is doing them for her because she enjoys doing them and is not trying to hide behind them.

The one thing I have learned in my short time on this side of the forum is everyone's transition is a personal journey and while there are similarities, no two transitions are entirely the same. I like myself as I am and accept the fact that I am a woman albeit with male physiology. That is my cross to bear the same way my cis-women friends deal with their own physiology when it comes to being out in the world. Don't get me wrong, I am not striding about in a dress with a full beard. I take steps to present more phenotypically female than male (within my limits). I am slowing having my body and facial hair removed and have been using exercise and diet to reduce my bulky 175lbs down to a more slim/athletic 143lbs. However, I don't feel an impending urge to undergo HRT or surgery. The world may see me as a man in women's clothing but that is not how I see myself. The girl may not be pretty but she is all woman where it counts for her :)

I really believe in your case you need to get out there and experience life as Sarah in all aspects in order to get comfortable with being her. This may mean exposing yourself to a world you are not quite ready for but it is the only way forward when you get to cross roads of sorts IMHO. Are you trans, CD, gender fluid or whatnot? You can only answer that by living as many here have said authentically as the person you were meant to be. That is when you will get some clarity IMO.

Cheers

Marcelle

[St. Eve]

Just a moment to share how grateful I am for all of you to write your truth and experience.
I feel very similar to what Sarah has described, and, as I am a couple decades older, I have a wife of 25 years and 2 businesses and employees to consider as well.....

As I go forward in my search for my own truth, I am so grateful to hear your experiences....

Peace
Stevie

[Tommie.]

As Eve said and thanks again to all....

[Sarah-RT]

Okay..phew, that was such a hectic few days for me emotionally and psychologically.
Went to counselling today and have since emailed the suggested psychologist for an assessment. I told my step dad about it and that I'm starting to think I want to change my gender.

I went into work since I'm on a weeks holiday to check the schedule for next week and while there the HR manager asked me to get my hair cut because "at a recent management meeting it was decided to improve the appearance/dress code policy and if I could find time on my week off to get it cut before I come back"
I read the handbook they gave me and it simply states "hair must be short,neat and tidy or tied back" no mention of gender so I'll just start wearing it in a pony tail and then it's their's to make an issue of and I don't have to tell them my business.
It'll also give me a kick up the rear to start wearing my hair like that.

[Michelle 78]

Hi Sarah,

It's good that things are starting to become a little clearer for you. I know just how you feel as I have had a lot of the same struggles as you have of late and it drives you mad!!

Michelle

[Teresa]

Sarah,
It's difficult to answer all your points, but sometimes when you think you have uncertainties maybe it's best to just do it. The point about shaving your body or not, if no one else is bothered just do it and see how you feel. I have a wife who's not happy but I still went ahead and did it. It feels a whole lot better when I dress , it's not so much leaving the guy behind as feeling more comfortable when dressed , it made it feel right. Taking small decisions like that may be small steps but if it feels right inside go with them. For what ever reason you dress, the more comfortable you feel the more you'll be able to put answers to questions that at the moment have very little meaning.
I haven't read all your threads and replies but have you attended counselling dressed, if so did it make a lot of difference . I didn't dress for mine but showed pictures to make it clear what I looked like and what it meant to me. Sometimes I think counsellors take some convincing about the sincerity of our gender issues.

We all fight a conflict, mostly what's in our heads but the problem I had and possibly many others was trying to separate what I was dealing with inside and hoping to find answers and then battling with the pressure of an non accepting wife . It's so hard not to make it look like all your problems stem from them, it took a long time to try and leave her out of the equation when I was searching for answers to gender issues .

The behaviour you describe and Marcelle points out in her reply is something we all go through when you have to come to terms with GD and the way you deal with it.

[Badtranny]

Sometimes I think counselors take some convincing about the sincerity of our gender issues.


This needs a rebuttal. I disagree so much with this statement that I want to hear what my girls think about it.

As for me, I think trying to "convince" your therapist of anything, completely misses the point of therapy. If you're not being completely honest about everything than you are just wasting your time. The therapist doesn't give a damn at the end of the day because they're getting paid, but why in the world would somebody waste time and money trying to misdirect a therapist? Hell, if you're dead set on transitioning then just do it and find a doctor to write the damn prescriptions. Don't try and fool some therapist into playing along with you.

Therapy is worth nothing if you're not being real. That's what you're paying for after all isn't it? The opportunity to finally be real with someone? To be brutally honest? To stop pretending?

The first thing I said to my therapist was "I need you to tell me I'm not crazy before I go and do something crazy." It didn't even occur to me to try and convince her of anything.

[Zooey]

I agree with Misty. The first thing I said to my therapist when I met her was, "Please don't ever tell me I'm ready for something if you don't think I am. Push back on me." She did, and it's the reason I always felt like I got so much out of it. The value of a good therapist is to help you understand yourself better, and IMO, to help you actually be ready for the things you think you're ready for.

The only advice i can give you is this... Don't commit to being a woman. Don't commit to transition. Commit to being yourself, full stop. Don't presuppose who/what you are, just be whatever you are at the time. Don't hold back, and don't hide. Think critically and carefully about what your experiences tell you. Be open and honest with your therapist.

If you do that honestly and sincerely, you'll figure out your answers over time.

FWIW, there's unquestionably an "uncorking the bottle" aspect to this. When you start to really connect the dots, things can start to get worse. Largely, that's because you thought you were driving a car you could control, but it turns out the gas pedal's stuck to the floor, the brake lines have been cut, and the steering wheel just popped off. Just prior to coming out to family and starting HRT, I spent a week of Christmas vacation at my parents' house having to go to my room every 2 hours to weep uncontrollably. It's hard, but you'll get through it, one way or another.


I haven't read all your threads and replies but have you attended counselling dressed, if so did it make a lot of difference . I didn't dress for mine but showed pictures to make it clear what I looked like and what it meant to me. Sometimes I think counsellors take some convincing about the sincerity of our gender issues.

I'm sorry, but... No. I think they require convincing when you're in the position of needing to convince them. Getting into a manipulative relationship and/or trying to manipulate observations in the context of therapy is never a good idea. /cough

If you are open, honest, and genuine, the proper conclusions will come without you having to force it. What those conclusions are, I couldn't say for anybody other than myself.

[Teresa]

Badtranny,
I was referring to a therapist I saw twenty years ago, I suggested then that we are wired differently and possibly born like it , he totally rubbished it, as we know all that has changed. He suggested that I attend dressed , he then added that he had a client that came dressed, the first thing he did was masturbate in the corner of the room , at the end he would just say that's out the way now lets get on with the business. That guy was expensive I saw him twice and gave up on him.

I've seen two since then , one to assess any chances of me self harming and the second to help with my gender issues , I was totally honest with them, as you say what is the point of holding anything back. I certainly didn't attempt to manipulate them but on one occasion I did ask if she thought I was seeking counselling for validation, she acknowledge the point but said she'd been doing it long enough to see through that and it wasn't so in my case.

[arbon]

Eeeks! That's horrible Teresa about the guy in the corner. And that he would actually tell you that!!

[PaulaQ]

@Sarah-RT. Yes. I think you are most likely suffering from gender dysphoria. Your symptoms are pretty obvious, quite frankly. They sound serious but not critical, at least not yet. Unless you aren't telling us things, such as thoughts of self harm. You seem to have quite a lot of anxiety and depression related to gender. You desire to be seen as female. You want to do things as a woman. When you can't, you seem to feel badly about it. The longings, and the negative feelings related to your gender are pretty classic symptoms of gender dysphoria. A lot of the literature describing it is garbage. Sometimes it feels like the only thing they record when they talk to us are the ones who want to cut off their penis with pruning shears. Not everyone has such strong negative feelings about their genitals. Some of us opt to never change them, because they don't bother us.

Let me ask you a couple of questions:
1. Why do you feel you need HRT? What do you expect to get from it? Why do you obsess over it?
2. Why do you feel that only men can have relationships - you said no one would want to be with you, "how could I have a family and someone who would love me when I can't be the typical male"? Why couldn't one have a relationship as a woman? I'm engaged to be married now. You area LOT younger than I am, and that makes your chances better.

I will also tell you that making choices about your life based on fear - which is what is driving you seemingly - are almost never going to result in decisions that allow you to be who you truly are. This isn't a trans thing - it's a life thing. It's just that as a trans thing, for some of us, failure to make those hard choices despite our worst fears results in death. I'm not saying that'll be your fate. Nor can I tell you what you should do.

One of the things I always wanted when I started here was for someone to give me permission to transition. I viewed being trans like I'd view a disease - or at least I viewed gender dysphoria as a condition requiring medical treatment. And it is that, and yet it isn't quite the same. If I had cancer, NO ONE would question my seeking treatment for it. No one would accuse me of being selfish, self-centered, or vindictive. NO ONE. No one would come up to me, and say "Hey, look <dead name>, you may not recover from this cancer stuff. I mean, you could, but treatment, I dunno, it's gonna take every resource you have, leaving your poor wife and child destitute if you do end up dying. So why don't you just save your money, not seek treatment, and just die already? Maybe you can even do like that guy on Breaking Bad and earn extra coin for your family before you go!" But more or less I got that conversation a lot. In fact I STILL get it. If it had been cancer, no one would accuse me of being crazy and imagining the whole thing. With being trans - I get that every day.

The bad news is no one is going to give you permission to be a woman, or whatever it is you might be. I mean, I can give you permission - but no one is going to care. In fact, you can get the foremost experts in the world, the heads of WPATH, to give you a note saying "Whoa, Sarah-RT, most compelling case to be a trans woman we've ever seen! She needs to transition immediately", and still, most people are going to tell you that your feelings aren't real, you are making a choice, and that you are being selfish.

This sucks, but the good news is that whatever you decide to do, you'll do so because YOU understood what you needed to do to become the best possible version of who you really are. You will stand beyond the judgment of others. Oh they may still judge you, but YOU made a choice they'd have denied you. You, and no one else, will own your life. And that is a rare and precious thing. You will live authentically in a way most people simply do not. In fact you'll likely begin to notice how freaking fake most people really are.

The question you need to answer is "who am I?" If that answer is "I am a woman", then you probably need to transition. If that answer is "I am a woman, and if I don't live as one, my life will be beyond miserable", then you probably need to do it now, or soon. No one but you can really answer these questions. Not with certainty. A counselor certainly can't answer it. In fact if they are doing their job, what they'll really do is call you on things you aren't being honest with yourself about. There isn't a logical conclusion about this - this isn't about deductive logic. This is about what you feel, what you know to be true about yourself. A good therapist can help you dig through the crap inside you that you've built up to hide who you really are. (Assuming you aren't who you present to be in guy mode.) You need to look at who you are as if there are no consequences to being who you really are. If you conclude you must transition, then go back and consider your circumstances, and try to arrange things so you have the best chance for success, and plan accordingly.

[Megan G]

This needs a rebuttal. I disagree so much with this statement that I want to hear what my girls think about it.

As for me, I think trying to "convince" your therapist of anything, completely misses the point of therapy.

I absolutely agree with this, to me therapy is all about self discovery and that is not truly possible if you are not going to be 100% real and honest with your therapist. I wanted my therapist to question me, to call me out and to push back when she seen an unhealthy thought process. I wanted to be challenged...

All too often we hear on here that someone's therapist after one or two visits have officially diagnosed them with GD and that they are transgender and have given them the green light for transition. I question if those therapists have done enough, I don't believe they could even begin to rule out a comobidity in that time frame let alone proven it is indeed severe GD and not some fantasy/fetish.

Teresa, I am so sorry if you were exposed to that therapist and his masterbation. I am surprised you made it two sessions, I would have called the cops on the first, that's just sick and perverted.

[Teresa]

Megan,

Sorry I may have worded it wrong, the therapist was talking about one of his clients.
What concerned me was he appeared to have a strange view of CDers and the TG community. It implied that he thought it was normal behaviour, I was referred to him by my GP just after I nearly ended my own life . The outcome was he referred me back to my GP suggesting I go on maximum strength Prozac. All that did was removed my guilt about Cding so I felt totally comfortable with it, which wasn't the outcome my wife was hoping for. Since then I have learned my lesson, no more antidepressants, keep your mind clear and seek help, to me medication caused an even greater conflict .

[Megan G]

Teresa,

Careful on how far you dive into the medication comment. There are a lot of people who are on meds and it is because of them being able to clear up their depression that it allowed them to find the answers within that they were looking for.

It may not have worked for you because you were most likely not in depression. Or maybe they did work for you and you became at ease with yourself so maybe you were depressed at the time and did not know it....lol

[LeaP]

I will also tell you that making choices about your life based on fear - which is what is driving you seemingly - are almost never going to result in decisions that allow you to be who you truly are. This isn't a trans thing - it's a life thing. It's just that as a trans thing, for some of us, failure to make those hard choices despite our worst fears results in death.

...

The question you need to answer is "who am I?" If that answer is "I am a woman", then you probably ...

The paragraph on fear was clarifying for me. It's odd - you didn't say anything I didn't already know, but the formulation and implications as far as my delay decisions popped into focus. I'm not sure it changes my current decisions set, but it's a strong caution to be aware of the role fear can play in contaminating decisions. Thanks.

The specific identity of "woman" was never as clear as female to me. (Despite "female's" physical sex use convention vs "woman's" gender use convention.) It's not semantics either. I differentiate them on several bases, even in a gender context. That's not terribly clear but reflects how I feel.

My point is that it is by no means necessary to identify as a woman to be cross-sex identified or to transition.


.., The outcome was he referred me back to my GP suggesting I go on maximum strength Prozac. All that did was removed my guilt about Cding so I felt totally comfortable with it, which wasn't the outcome my wife was hoping for. Since then I have learned my lesson, no more antidepressants, keep your mind clear and seek help, to me medication caused an even greater conflict .

That strikes me as a really unusual outcome and conclusion. You don't mention whether or not you were depressed, the implication being that Prozac was prescribed for treating CD'ing conflict alone ... which certainly requires an unusual view of SSRIs! By contrast, I take ADs and they helped enormously. You mention additional conflicts on Prozac, though. What were they?

[Teresa]

Leap,
I found the side effects of Prozac harder to live with than the cure they were suppose to offer. The main problem was they took away the feelings of guilt so I was OK with my CDing issues, the problem was my wife still wouldn't accept it so I ended up with a worse conflict .
I had a bad patch in my gender counselling recently and was given a similar medication, I took it for a week but the side effects were just too much.
The feeling of being detached, not quite having your feet on the ground walking away from commitments and responsibilities , it wasn't helping me and certainly was no use to my wife.

Megan,
Yes I agree medication affects people differently so I can only comment from my personal experience.
I guess the logical conclusion of being depressed came from nearly ending my life. I will just add that it wasn't premeditated it was a spur of the moment close call. I don't intend to go down that road again, life is too precious, I will just have to come to terms with my gender issues .

[PaulaQ]

I had a bad patch in my gender counselling recently and was given a similar medication, I took it for a week but the side effects were just too much.


The problem with antidepressants is that they are only useful to combat a chemical imbalance in your brain that is sort of out of control. If the cause of the chemical imbalance is that your life situation is simply terrible, at best they are going to just wall paper over the problem so you aren't aware of how much you are feeling it. There are reasons we don't just give people with broken bones some pain meds and tell them to "walk it off", with no further treatment. Unfortunately, that's mostly what they do for psychological problems. I'm not saying antidepressants are bad - they can be a life saving medication when used correctly. But they aren't going to fix the fact that someone's life sucks, and that they aren't happy living it. Only the person living that life can, potentially make that happen, presuming they are in a situation where that is even possible. (Oppressed people are frequently depressed - for good reason, and often are unable to do much to change their circumstances.)

Have you ever considered that a different medication might help you feel much better - namely Estradiol? You seem to be, I would point out, spending more time hovering around the entrance to "girl town." Just sayin'... As evidence that this might be something to think about though, I submit:

I guess the logical conclusion of being depressed came from nearly ending my life. I will just add that it wasn't premeditated it was a spur of the moment close call. I don't intend to go down that road again, life is too precious, I will just have to come to terms with my gender issues .
The question I think you have to ask yourself, the fundamental question, is the same one I suggested to Sarah-RT - "Who AM I?" This needs to be answered without fear, with rigorous honesty, and without thought to consequences. Knowing the truth is the key, without that, you are surely lost. Once you know the truth, thinking about what to do about it is where concerns about consequences come into play. That said, what do the consequences matter if the alternative is death? It isn't like that option leaves the table if the consequences are WAAAY worse than anticipated. (I wish that it was no longer an option for all of us, but sadly that is not the case.)

[Teresa]

Paula,
I'm not sure whether to answer that question or to go right back to the beginning and explain my whole history to give a better picture. I sat down tonight intending to do that because I've been slammed down a few times with comments suggesting I don't understand, the problem is I feel other people don't understand me, I'm not claiming to be unique in fact I hope I'm not it would be comforting to know someone else went through a similar start and the life it lead to.

[Sarah-RT]

Thanks everyone for the input so far, there is a lot of wisdom here and a lot to take on board. Im beginning to turn my doubts into simply doubts and not prominent thoughts. I booked an appointment with the psychologist this morning for the 1st of july and Im looking forward to it, not because he'll diagnose me with gender dysphoria but because I want to tell him I want to live my life and its starting to become clearer to me how to do that.

My last counselling session really helped clear some of the problems Ive had with the idea of accepting that this is the way im supposed to be. Paula I think you are very right in terms of the depression and paper walling it with medication, my counsellor has been suggesting that the perceived depression I think I may have can be rooted in unfulfillment and persists as a sadness. Ive thought perhaps ive been miserable for a long time in my life but that Ive put up with it and carried on because 'lifes unfair' but im starting to come around to thinking that might be down to gender problems, ive had points throughout my life that would be questionable and over the last few months ive been running from myself when ive been wanting to do things. I had this terrible anxious feeling earlier and felt exhausted moving around (in male mode) when prior I had been in female mode. Back to female mode and my mood has lifted and its only going down when I think of having to return to work or go somewhere Im not out.

[PaulaQ]

I had this terrible anxious feeling earlier and felt exhausted moving around (in male mode) when prior I had been in female mode. Back to female mode and my mood has lifted and its only going down when I think of having to return to work or go somewhere Im not out.

That describes very well how I felt before I started transition. The bad feelings (gender dysphoria) got much worse towards the end. I'm surprised I'm alive.


I'm not sure whether to answer that question or to go right back to the beginning and explain my whole history to give a better picture.
Oh I think I remember your history pretty well, hon. The only question that really matters - and my opinion on it or anyone else's is really irrelevant - "Who Am I?"

[Sarah-RT]

Im trying to look at it in a scientific way (I do some labs in college) and im trying to figure out, is what im feeling caused by gender. My brain throws things up like 'its just poor diet, just the tablets im taking for a cough I have at the minute, its because I smoke' and so on but none of them affect the way I think. In a hypothetical way last night I spent the evening as female and seemed to have relaxed, woke up this morning and went down stairs to make a cup of tea to get me moving for the day but I was in male mode and my brain is starting to shoot out 'I dont need to be trans' kinds of thoughts. I figure that im more aware of what im trying to find now that over the next few weeks before I go to the psychologist Ill start being able to figure it out.

When you say Paula that your surprised you made it through, for a start im glad you did. Secondly ive noticed ive been having very minor suicidal ideation over the past couple of months, nothing serious but I try to excuse it with 'I have a great imagination' however several weeks ago I came home from the pub after feeling miserable, I was drunk and got home and ended up lying on my kitchen floor staring out the roof window while listening to some sad songs. I couldnt determine what was wrong, I felt awful but didnt want to die, I did however end up taking a knife out of the press and started carving 'my name is..' into my arm hoping that whatever came out would allow me to decide my next move. I couldnt bring myself to put a name down and went to bed. I do know when I was doing it though that I wasnt looking to kill myself, I wanted to live but I just didnt know how. Im trying to look at events like this as signs so again, over the next few weeks ill start digging deep to find what I need to do.

Edit: After posting this I realise the absurdity of a person going home and trying to force themselves into picking a gendered name isnt something non questioning people do. I know the next day I was quite shocked at what I had done and told myself I was just drunk and unhappy rather than asking why I was unhappy and why was my life being put in situations like this.

[Teresa]

Sarah,
If you can possibly do it put your life on hold until you see the psychologist, and don't drink too much.

So many of us have had the opposing forces sitting on our shoulders telling us different things in each ear. Doing the right thing is hard until you've decided to do it then a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders but you really do need help in deciding the right choice. Just hang in there for the next few weeks .

Paula,
You're probably right the fact it started almost sixty years ago is still affecting me but it's the now that matters.

I prefer to steer clear of medication , I want to keep my thoughts as clear as possible, besides I've no intention of ending my life now, there's enough in it to find sufficient happiness from my family and my CDing .
I admit I can't fully answer the " Who am I ?" question . Any of us on the TG spectrum will have good days and bad the important thing is finding out enough about ourselves to even them out, I feel I'm almost there .

[Suzanne F]

Sarah
I knew I had to transition when the pain of returning to male mode was excruciating. Once I finally opened the door a crack there was no closing it. You already know deep down what you need and I suspect you have been tamping it down for quite awhile. Be honest with your therapist and the path will emerge. I am here to tell you if you transition it will be so hard. But if you are a woman it will be totally necessary. Face your truth no matter what it ends up being. We will be here to help !
Suzanne

[Badtranny]

last night I spent the evening as female and seemed to have relaxed, woke up this morning and went down stairs to make a cup of tea to get me moving for the day but I was in male mode .

I don't understand how there is a "male mode" when you're home by yourself?

[Sarah-RT]

My grandmother lives with us and my mom asked me not to tell her because she doesn't think she'll understand, personally I just think my mom doesn't want to have to deal with the consequences. But as a result, while the rest of my family know and my friends I'm still closeted at home to my gran

[Badtranny]

hmmmm

I think you're misunderstanding me.

Tell us what you mean by "male mode".

[L0vleyme]

Sarah, thank you for starting this thread, as I've read it it's almost like you wrote down my thoughts for me, and in all honesty, it's the first time I have had any similarities to anyone I have encountered in this part of the gender spectrum. I'm usually reading in the CD forum, not sure why I jumped into this forum, but glad I did. I am trying to work up the courage to see a therapist, but having read this thread I think it's what I need to do.

Thanks!

[LeaP]

This needs a rebuttal. I disagree so much with this statement ...


I've repeated my therapy history so many times that *I'm* even tired of it. Suffice it to say that the idea of convincing my therapist of anything is a really twisted way to think of the experience. I let her lead for months. That was good, because I was a mess and gender took a back seat to more serious concerns - like keeping me from killing myself. When I asked her for a letter 8 months later she said "of course."

That said, she also told me she's had her share of "hormones shoppers." Apparently, they aren't convincing ...

[arbon]

This needs a rebuttal. I disagree so much with this statement that I want to hear what my girls think about it.
.

I saw a therapist for a few months. The intent when I went to her was not to transition though but rather that she would help me be able to cope with the life I had. I evidently completely misunderstood her though, thinking she would not help me with transition if I wanted too. So once it clicked I needed to I went outside the system caus I was afraid she would not support it. When I saw her again a year or so later she set me straight that she would have. I only saw her a couple times after I had been on hrt. I was worried about getting letters for surgeries but that was not hard since I had already been on hrt and legally a woman for so long.

There is no doubt I could benifit from more therapy. But so dang expensive!

[whowhatwhen]

^^^^
God, is it ever expensive.
I go twice per month at $100 per session and most of the time it's not even about trans stuff.

I think the first thing I said to my therapist 3 years ago was "I don't think I'm transsexual but..."
:P

[LeaP]

At least insurance has covered something for me ...

Or used to. New company. New insurance. All the usual exclusions.

[Sarah-RT]

Melissa - by male mode I mean the natural way I am physically to others. Because of that I doubt everything Ive done or thought about and end up ruminating really badly because of it. When I first read your comment I initially looked at it and went 'Shes making me feel less trans and doubting myself, she doesnt know what shes talking about and now ive to explain myself' does this back up against the wall attitude validate my feelings a little better or should I be reasoning with myself 'She has experience and knowledge and maybe shes trying to help me understand myself a little better? - btw I have no animosity, it was just my initial reaction, im very thankful for your input.

Lovelyme - Your welcome, its comforting when you can read your own thoughts from someone elses words irregardless of if it helps or not. As for the courage for counselling, if you can get someone who specializes it helps immensely because they understand what you are talking about. There is nothing to worry about when talking to them, at the end of the day they are looking for your money but providing a non judgmental outlet. If if gives you peace of mind then most definitely go for it! and I found I was a little hesitant initially with some of the things I talked about which over my time there Ive divulged all, im looking for help and keeping things only detracts from the experience.

Lea - Ive found that gender issues take a back seat too and its helpful and refreshing to explore various things that bother you.

[becky77]

I think Melissa's point is in regard to identity and who you are inside, as in you don't have to act as male at home on your own therefore there is no male mode there is just you.
However I totally get what you mean.

For me I feel like I have turned a corner with no more noticeable dark beard hair, my own hair (no need for wig) and some of the changes through 2+ years of hormones (ignoring genitals for now), I now see physically the woman the majority of the time.
Beyond 6 months ago I felt the need for wig, makeup and clothes to hide the male features.
So I totally understand what you mean, hard to feel like a woman when you see a man.

I like that you explore and question and are not afraid to rethink things.

Btw How can you know what it is to be a woman without living it? I don't think you can until made real it's just a theory.
I just knew being a man was so wrong and I couldn't do it anymore I felt as sure as I could be I was internally female but really until you go full-time and live it you can never be quite sure. I now know I was right and living this way feels normal. Also it's reflected back to me in groups of women, my neighbour has seen my transition and often forgets I was ever a guy that's probably the nicest affirmation I could ever get.

In a way it's a gamble which is why the push for therapy, the more you have ruled out other issues and looked within yourself and been totally honest about why you feel as you do the less of a gamble it becomes.
I still think practical experience coupled with therapy has the greatest reward, that experience has to be worthwhile though.
It does seem to me that those of us that went part-time first had a better calmer time going full-time.

[PretzelGirl]

This needs a rebuttal. I disagree so much with this statement that I want to hear what my girls think about it.

I think there may be two angles to this. My therapist was a great one. He never once told me what to think. He asked what the positives and negatives were and then would ask me how I would deal with them. For instance, when I talked about potential losses if I transitioned, he asked me to list those and one at a time asked me what that would be, the likelihood of it happening, what is the best thing I could do to deal with it, and would I be okay with that outcome. Once I walked the list, I told him I was ready and he said okay and we went into transition support mode.

Now I might see a person having to convince a therapist if they are completely the wrong person to go to. They are uneducated and haven't worked with us before. So they don't get it and want you to justify your feelings. On any of those, I would run, not walk, away.

[becky77]

Posted by Teresa:
Sometimes I think counselors take some convincing about the sincerity of our gender issues.


This needs a rebuttal. I disagree so much with this statement that I want to hear what my girls think about it.
.

Just tell the truth and let the expert do their job. If you have to convince them then something is wrong with either their ability or your understanding.

[Badtranny]

Melissa - by male mode I mean the natural way I am physically to others. Because of that I doubt everything Ive done or thought about and end up ruminating really badly because of it. When I first read your comment I initially looked at it and went 'Shes making me feel less trans and doubting myself, she doesnt know what shes talking about and now ive to explain myself' does this back up against the wall attitude validate my feelings a little better or should I be reasoning with myself 'She has experience and knowledge and maybe shes trying to help me understand myself a little better? - btw I have no animosity, it was just my initial reaction, im very thankful for your input.

Well, I'm impressed that you were able to transcend the "trannier than thou" BS that permeates this site. I can promise you that if some broad actually came in here with that kind of crap, I know about 10 broads that would crawl right up her ass.

We and I are NOT trannier than thou. Hell I have a damn penis. I will lose every time in that game.

You are correct that I'm just trying to help. I learned some hard lessons in my transition and I've also gained some of that excellent insight that ONLY comes from hindsight. IF you do transition, your first year or two will very likely be kinda tough. You're young so that's a huge advantage, but your socialization will give you away if your physicality doesn't. "passing" 100% of the time will be difficult for sure. Your secret weapon will be how you feel about yourself.

Being a woman is NOT about clothes or makeup. It's got nothing to do with those things really. LOOKING like a woman is all about that stuff, but BEING is something completely different isn't it. A gender transition has very little to do with gender. I know that sounds crazy but we transition AWAY from something as much as we transition TO something. For me, it was more about not being a dude than it was about being a woman. The way I feel took a back seat to the way I wanted the world to see me.

I was fairly certain that I would never pass or be accepted as a woman, but I also knew that I would never be treated like a regular guy again. Women would see me as something different than a man, men would certainly see and treat me as something different than a man, and that by itself was enough for me. Obviously I wanted more, but I would have accepted something much less and been happier than I was. This is an inside job you see.

Your male mode may simply be a learned set of responses. You need to dig in and find out who and what you are, and then let THAT person be free. When I had that fateful car wreck that literally jolted me out of the closet, my goal wasn't to transition. I still didn't know for sure if that was the right thing to do. I didn't know if I was gay or gender queer, or what. All I knew was the hiding ended that day and I was going to spend the rest of my life being real with myself and everyone else. No more hiding. If I wanted to flirt with a guy I was going to do it. If I wanted to cross dress out in the open, I was going to do it. I didn't know who I was, but dammit I was going to find out, and most of all, I was going to be free.

That next morning there was no more male mode. Only real mode. As I explored my options I began to realize that who I was had nothing to do with who I slept with or who I looked like. It wasn't long before I totally forgot how to even PRETEND to be a macho dude anymore. I let it go. As it turned out, full transition was the right move for me, but I will tell you with 100% honesty that I would have NEVER figured that out if I hadn't just let it all go.

Today, my legs are a lil bit too hairy and I hardly ever wear skirts. I also wear very little makeup. I'm not very feminine actually. Do I feel like a man when I let myself go? Not even in the slightest. I feel kinda gross, but I don't feel like a dude. You could dress me up in a three piece suit with spats and a boiler, but I still wouldn't feel like a dude. I know who I am, and clothes or hair just can't change that. It's sooooooo much deeper than that.