Trans "mentor" or "mother" relationships?

[AmyGaleRT]

A friend of mine called me to ask an interesting question that I thought I would ask around about.

Do trans people have any sort of relationship similar to the way drag performers may have "drag mothers"? That is, people that act in a sort of "mentor" relationship to someone that's just starting to figure out this part of themselves, that can help them find their way and help them become the person they truly are inside?

I know, for my part, I have had trans women that I looked up to as mentors and role models, a couple of them originating on this very site (such as Lorileah!). Later on, I had Phyllis, owner of both Phyllis' Fantasies and Majestic Hearts, who I refer to as "our fairy godmother." But I admit that my own experience is limited.

Is this a common thing among trans people? Is it more common among trans women, say, or trans men or other nonbinary folks? Is there any kind of formalized term for it, the way the drag community has "drag mothers" and the amateur radio community has "Elmers"?

Appreciate any feedback that people are willing to give.

- Amy

[pamela7]

Hi Amy,

My wife is my primary mentor and moral supporter, but I take any guidance I can from GG's - my daughter and mother also offer helpful advice. When I first started to CD I did have a local CD'er who acted as a mentor for a short while, encouraging me to be out dressed at the local shops. Seeing someone in person having no cares in the world of being exposed is liberating. A mentor in this case is like a "big sister" who shows you the ropes. Having been a first child though, I'm used to having to work things out for myself. I reckon though it's a really useful idea, along with the "buddy system".

xxx Pam

[Marcelle]

Hi Amy,

I can only speak for myself but short of the good folks on this forum and recently on this side of the forum, on whom I bounce questions off, I have no mentors. Once I began to transition, it was about me living my life as a woman and while some pitfalls required some guidance/venting most of this is a day by day thing for me. My wife, family and friends are my support mechanism but I am learning as I go.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Megan G]

I have to echo Marcelle's comment, before I came out I built a support network of friends that were there for me when I needed them but I did not have a mentor or anything like that. This has been an incredibly personal solo journey of learning as you go..

[Brooklyn]

In my case, kinda, and for some others I know, definitely yes. In one case it became a full legal adoption. It's more common among young transitioners who have been rejected by their birth families and would otherwise be homeless or in foster care. The late bloomers more typical on this forum are far too independent to need or want that kind of relationship.

[LeaP]

There are a small handful of people on this forum who have been crucial resources for me, along with my therapist. I don't like "mentor" so much, as it connotes leading.

[ariannavt]

I have a few GG's that seem to enjoy talking to me about my experiences and I often ask them their thoughts and advice. Interestingly many times they exclaim... but you know so much more about _______ than I do! Every cis-gendered person is different. Don't assume they are an expert in __________________ just because they were born in a body that matches their gender identity. People come in all shapes and sizes, and I know I wouldn't want to be judged on the basis of my body. :)

There are a couple of transwomen that I rely on for advice. They are wonderful and I appreciate them dearly. I wish there was a way to give back, but perhaps you can only pay-it-forward?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

having a support system is hugely important..

i had one ts woman that spent her time "guiding me"... in the end, i think Lea has an excellent point because there is no doubt i gave her too much credit and i was too "afraid" to go against things she said...
we drifted apart after i transitioned

if i had to pick today, i'd do it again though...the time she spent with me was hugely helpful... she really did listen to my craziness, she introduced me to her friends that transtioned, it felt like they were catching up on old times and then they were telling me all the th ings to do and not do... they were pretty critical of my "plan" and they were right...it was helpful for me...it did seem they all drifted apart tho for sure

in fact, it occurs to me that a way to look at the whole thing was that when i found this woman to help me, she brought me out and showed me to the people that helped her...
and then like they did , we drifted apart

[Suzanne F]

Yes I have had so much support and guidance. First my wife helped me see the real me one fateful night. She has shown me so many things that I missed growing up as the wrong sex. Then AliieSF and Rachael helped me learn to face the world. They taught me I could be me no matter where we were. Debbie was so kind at a Gems event when I was so lost and new. Meeting Bad Tranny and Simone one night showed me it was possible.
My sister Nilani was so elegant and self assured and I have always marveled at the way she has just existed as her true self with no need to call it anything. Theresa Sparks has been both my hero and good friend mad I am so lucky to have her in my life. Then Lorileah came and showed me such courage while undergoing SRS two weeks before me. So yes there have been many mentors and supportive sisters. I hope I can carry the message to those who still suffer. Get out of the damn closet and get busy living !!!!
Suzanne

[Badtranny]

That was beautiful Suzanne.

[Eringirl]

My best mentor is my sister. We have an awesome relationship. Granted, she has no experience regarding issues specific to being trans, but I am trying to be the best person I can be, not the best "trans" person I can be. So her help, guidance, love and support is invaluable to me. Having said that, I do have a few very close friends who are also on this journey on whom I rely, and they have never, ever, disappointed. They know who they are. Wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today without them.

So, I guess it's a bit of a mix for me.

[I Am Paula]

I'll second Erin's post. From the day I decided to transition, my sister has been at my side. She answered to phone in the middle of the night, and listened to me cry. She dragged me to every social function, and got me used to a cis-centric world. Most important, she has never left me, even when we had a huge argument about my BA.
For the most part, I did not need anybody to teach me how to be a woman, I've often said, just stop being a man, and the woman undernieth comes thru very quickly. I did study women from afar (coffee shop tables) all my life, and got accused of girl watching in the traditional male sense a few times.

[phylis anne]

it appears a mentor could be a very positive and productive approach to what we do wether it is becoming and living as a total women or simply wetting ones toes as a c/d I can think of many instances where it would greatly improve the learning curve ,now how do I squeeze one in the closet with me :heehee:
hugs phylis anne

[jeri1973]

I have two local ladies that are helping me and being an encouragement to me. I'm so thankful I have met these ladies as they have already helped me more that I could have ever imagined.

I'm not out yet and they both are helping me make my coming out as smooth as possible.

Mentor/mother/sister whatever you want to call them is fine. I like to think of the two ladies I've met as friends and I'm lucky to have them as my wife won't help at all. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure she'll be ex-wife within next few months.

[AmyGaleRT]

This is all very good! I think I'll have quite a bit of material to cite to my friend when I tell her about this.

The friend who asked me about this is a cis woman who wants to act in this kind of role towards trans women, and, in fact, has already done so with at least one trans woman, working with her on improving her movement and makeup skills. (The trans woman in question, another friend of mine, went on to become a model in a local fashion show!) She was asked about this by a "cute gay boy" she was talking to at a party, got curious, and thought she'd ask one of the trans women she trusted about this. Which is how I got curious, and started conducting research. :)

- Amy