How Do Cope?

[nothingclever]

I don't call him my boyfriend anymore, because we broke up AGAIN. But, we still see each other....it's a stupid mess. Anyway, the reason I'm posting: I keep going back to him because I miss her....I know it seems stupid and he's closeted so it's not like I can talk to anyone. I just love this aspect of our relationship. I've never been with anyone like her. I've been with plenty like him. I was going to post this in a different section, but it seems a lot of folks are hurt by their SO's CDing....I don't want to offend anyone. I just need to tell someone that it's hard to love someone who isn't just one person. I don't know, does anyone here have any insight into why she is so wonderful and he's so difficult? It's not like I can just find someone else. I mean, what are the odds that I'd find someone else who even does this? I can't even believe I'm in this situation. I never even considered a problem on these lines. I wish we didn't live in such a small town....maybe if she could go out he'd stop being so angry. Maybe angry is just who he is. I don't know. She's adorable and amazing and I love her. I'm so dumb.

[Thictoria]

I'm new to this but from my own experience all the stress and strains of there male life melt away because they become a woman who is fun loving and free. Maybe go away so you can both go out and encourage him to part dress at home more and fully dress when ever really stressed.

[Alice Torn]

T is right about the frustrations and stress of being male today. I think my dressing is an escape partly, from being an unloved, unwanted 62 yo bachelor, taking care of his anti social, negative 95 yo father who never wanted kids. I have trouble ever smiling as a male. When dressed, i feel liberated some, and pretty, more free , for a short time.

[nothingclever]

Okay, you just made me really sad. I'm sorry your dad is such a jerk! You're awesome for taking care of him anyway....I hope you find someone who wants you. I see what you mean about the stress and stuff, but he's been doing this since he was 13.....I don't think it's just a stress release, I think it's just a part of who is....of course, I don't know....I just want you to know that your a good person. I hate feeling alone. I don't like it that you feel that way....you should know that there really are people out there who would love to have someone as considerate and loving as you are. I hope your dad realizes someday how blessed he really is to have a son like you!

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Maybe so, but I don't know.....I mean he's been doing this a long time. It may help him de-stress, but he's been doing it a long time....it's like two totally different people. I just want her all the time.....but, that's a no go. Which do you prefer? Him or her?

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Hey, I'm sorry....my replies are weird because I did the "quick reply" thing....I've never posted on a forum before, besides here and I'm still learning....I can't even find the old post I wrote....technology makes me feel really stupid...I'm no good at it. I think I'm doing it right now?

[Thictoria]

I love spending time with them both 😍 it maybe because he's not going out why I said go away so he can be relaxed about it and not have the stress of bumping into someone. He's obviously torn about something and probably scared to open up and must be new to him as well especially if your the only one that knows x

[nothingclever]

I would love to go away with him. We still have to come home. :(

[Mykaa]

Caring for someone isnt dumb, there are more people out there this way than you realize NC. Yes I can see and I know how complicated this is, I live it and the things my life has brought about everyday. Do you know he could be angry at himself? I can say frustration can cause a lot of issues. there is no him or her with me, This Is Me.
I would like to say, Talking about this has helped me so much, a minus is being a man with this, most men will bottle everything up, Your a Man, your supposed to handle it all, BS I say. Many here will not talk outside of here (the forum) or talk about things that to me would really help. BS I say again. NC I think if he'd consider counseling with you, to me that would really help.
People are so different, CD'ers are no exception, I have talked to many people in my short time on the forum, I havent met anyone like me so far.

[ClosetED]

I don't know too much about your situation, but likely he feels guilty about being feminine, not living up to societal standards. Even though he enjoys it and you like him being your girlfriend, he still lives in society. There is nice TG story I think called Truth which goes into the thoughts of a CDer whose girlfriend likes it - he hates loving to be feminine and thinks she deserves a 'real man'. Also, why does she not want to go out with you at her side? Small town? So travel a few hours away for an adventure.
We are still one person - I consider the metaphor of a coin - we have heads and tail sides, so each side gets a different pronoun, but we are still 'coin'. We may look different and feel a bit different, but the same inside. The masculine side has to follow society rules and be strong, macho, uncaring, driven, and drab - while the feminine side gets to show the more wonderful aspects of the inner person that society says is not correct for a man to show. In some ways stress release is an easy way to describe the release of social norms felt when you change which side of the coin you present.
I also started at that age - but I have come to terms with who I am. Is she willing to come to the site as well to help learn?
Hugs, Ellen

[Tracii G]

I think joining here could help both side of him and her to realize that its OK to be this way.
Maybe learn how to have fun with it and to share his female side with you.

[carhill2mn]

First of all, you are not "dumb". You are "smarter than the average bear"! Your friend is struggling with who he is and who he thinks he should be. Many CDs are much nicer people when en femme, probably because they are feeling good about themselves.

I am assuming that you have shared your feelings with him. If not, I suggest that the two of you have a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings It may be hard for him to express his feelings as he has suppressed them for so long. Be sure that he understands how much you like the "fem" version of him and that it is OK for him to be this "other person". Change is hard and can take time.

I wish both of you the best!

[Alice Torn]

i started sneaking into my mom's and sister's things about age 13, too, like your friend at age 13. Hormones, fantasies, maybe genetic ally prone to this thing. Few completely stop. It is not impossible, but the pull is always there.

[Teresa]

Nothing...,
Don't worry about the typing stuff it takes a while to get use to it, I kept forgetting to tick the remember me box and was timed out half way through threads.
To go back to your OP, I find it difficult to give answers when we don't know ages, no I don't wish to be nosey , but replying to someone in their twenties is totally different to replying to someone in their sixties, a young couple can take the wrench of parting and hopefully move on . Someone like me whose been married for over forty years with children and grandchildren have more difficult options, some changes just come too late and some won't happen at all.
Your partner is a CDer in the closet or out and about ? What are you basic fears of continuing the relationship, has he answered the basic questions of being gay or wanting to transition. Many partners walk away from these situations while others love their partners enough to help them through it.

[nothingclever]

He sent me an email telling me that it's basically my fault he keeps dressing, that he only told me because he didn't want a relationship with a big secret again. He said that he never expected me to be into it and that he has thrown everything away and that she is gone forever. I posted a bunch of angry stuff on my blog. Not revealing his secret, but mad for all of his lying and screaming and silent treatment. We are no longer speaking. So, I can't say anything to him or encourage him or anything at all. He told me that it's a sin (we're both Christian) and that I was keeping him from rooting the evil out of himself. I don't see any good that's come out of this except that I myself am seeking God more truthfully and more urgently than I have in months. Obviously, my "religion" is different than his....it doesn't change depending on my mood or whatever it is he has going on. I'm 43, by the way. He's the same age as me. I hate today so much.

[PaulaQ]

I am so, so sorry to hear about your troubles hon. And I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and that you are NOT responsible for his dressing. Neither is he, really. This is a part of him. Actually, I suspect it is probably all of him. Have you ever considered the possibility that the reason he is so difficult, while she is so wonderful, is because *he* isn't real, and she is miserable pretending to be him? That is, your ex may really be a woman, and may need to transition.

A lot of us fall back into religion to try to stop these feelings. They will not be denied. I can tell you that he will fail to give up CDing. In fact he will probably become increasingly miserable with his male life after a time. He is trying to fight who he is (whether "just a CD" or "trans woman") and this simply will not be denied. Most of us do this out of fear and shame. We're taught we can't possibly have these feelings, that if we do, we're perverts, degenerates, the lowest of the low, worse than IV drug users, that we're rapists and pedophiles. He may worry about losing employment, family, friends. And many churches teach that being transgender is sexual immorality - even though it has *nothing* to do with sex.

Again, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I am happy that you are seeking truth for yourself. That is a very good thing, and something so few people do. If I can help you in any way (I run a support group for transgender people and their spouses and significant others), please PM me and I'll exchange contact info with you.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't call him my boyfriend anymore, because we broke up AGAIN. But, we still see each other....it's a stupid mess.
And you broke up over......what? One of the irritating things he is when he's being a guy?


I know it seems stupid and he's closeted so it's not like I can talk to anyone.
There are support groups for SO's. There's one here. Join! Chat.

I just need to tell someone that it's hard to love someone who isn't just one person.
That's generally a myth. It's all the same person. Usually they try to differentiate the two somehow because we've all been brought up to believe that anything feminine is absolutely, positively the worst thing a man can be.

I don't know, does anyone here have any insight into why she is so wonderful and he's so difficult?
Possibly related to the above; 'he' may be difficult because that's how he was brought up to believe all men should behave. Then he dresses up and allows himself to be the person he really wants to be.
OR
being an irritating person is his real personality, and yet, when he dresses up to embrace the feminine feelings he has, he feels compelled to behave as a nice person because that's what he things females should be.

It's not like I can just find someone else. I mean, what are the odds that I'd find someone else who even does this?
Well, there are a few million crossdressers in the U.S.A. so there's plenty of us to go around. Small town or large, about one out of 40 men is a crossdresser. So there's likely another one near you if you simply can't get along with the current dude.

Maybe angry is just who he is. I don't know.
What's he angry about? Anything in particular, of is he just mad at the world? That could be simply from his focusing on not being able to behave how he really feels. That's something that makes a lot of us unhappy, impatient and short tempered at times.
But it sounds more like his upbringing is coming into conflict with who he feels he is. He's clinging to a religion that tells him he's rotten. As long as someone does that, they're going to constantly have conflicted emotions.

[nothingclever]

Wow, thank you for the reply. I think he has issues that go beyond gender....I think his anger is a burden he's going to carry with him his whole life. I don't think I would actively seek a crossdresser for a partner, I just know it's an aspect of this relationship that I will miss....I wouldn't be adverse to dating another, I just doubt I'd specifically look for it. That seems fetishy to me and I didn't really feel like it was all sex. I mean, I loved it when we just sat around and talked. We broke up for good because he thinks I'm keeping him in a sinful state...I think he's being a jerk. But, it was nice when she was happy, it was the best. He was hardly ever happy after the first couple of months. I'm not the only one he's been emotionally abusive toward, I'm just the only one who knew about her.

[Thictoria]

He's obviously not ready to except himself as he is yet and is blaming you because you do! I'm sorry your relationship has finished but do you really want to be with someone who treats you badly!!!

[SeanErin]

Wow. My wife and I are just starting on the "out" journey but she is fantastic. Sorry the guy has issues, some of us are just lucky.

[nothingclever]

I wonder if he's happier now....I know it's none of my business, but he was so brutal and I don't think I deserved it....I keep going back and forth between angry and heartbroken. I'm alone now and I wasn't even a little bit prepared for how it all went down.

[Terrylynn]

NC, your post could have been written by my wife. After the shock of discovering my secret diminished she told me she loved me could accept who I was. Problem was that since I couldn't love and accept myself I would become very nasty when she reached out and encouraged my to explorer my feminine self. Like you, she found that I was much more calm and loving when I would dress. And when I actively suppressed my feminine nature I became rather hateful. For her it was a no win situation. The more helpful and accepting she became the more I accused her of trying to sabotage my "manhood". This went on for months until I could no longer live with the pain I was causing her. All hope of ever having any kind of reasonable exsistance dwindled to faint flicker in a very dark world.

The only way out was to end my life so one hopeless night I decided to kill myself. Just before I pulled the trigger I begged God for help. I didn't know if he existed or cared but I had nowhere else to turn. As I lay there sobbing and pleading a most extraordinary thing happened. I felt a sense of complete and unconditional love. There was no condemnation for my past actions an sins, just this beautiful, all encompassing, sence of peace and love. I threw the gun down and sobbed for what seemed like hours.

Please tell your boyfriend that God doesn't hate him because he is feminine. Too many so called Christians have perverted Christs teachings in an effort to destroy people who don't conform to their world view. Although I begged God to lift this terrible burden from me He had other plans. His demonstration of unconditional love to someone who believed himself to be unlovable was priceless. His gift allowed me to love myself and, by extension, love others as well as accept the gift of love from others.

[nothingclever]

I would love to tell him that Terrylynn, but we aren't talking now....:(

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I don't have an SO anymore....I only have an ex. I thank all of you so much for your responses. Your kindness has blown me away. I started a blog to process all this, I'll post a link here if anyone likes reading blogs. :/ I don't think I should be posting here anymore since I don't really have anyone in my life that is a crossdresser anymore and I'm not a crossdresser, it seems wrong and I don't want to intrude. You all have been so wonderful, and I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my pitiful little heart!
https://thesethingsihaveseenblog.wordpress.com/
I'll post this on my other message too. I really needed to talk to someone and you were there for me and I thank you so, so much.

[Dee Baker]

I have a similar situation.

Let me start by saying that before I came to accept this part of myself I had a difficult time. Feeling guilty after dressing, purging often and feeling like I had to be “macho” after dressing. I would go through periods of dressing and enjoying it followed by a purge then months of trying to be super “macho”.
Many, many years ago I learned to accept this part of me and life has been so much better. Now I am a whole person who has my male side without having to be super “macho” and my softer gentler side, they are both part of me every day.

My last relationship was with a woman who accepted me and enjoyed both sides of me. She was more accepting of this part of me than any other woman I have ever known.
She had anger issues that she didn’t know how to deal with and ultimately it cost her a very good job and took a toll on our relationship.

We can have common interests with our partners but if they are always angry and/or treat us badly the relationship will not be harmonious and will likely fail.

Please don’t feel like you are not welcome here just because you don’t have a crossdresser in your life. I know a few GGs here that no longer have a CD in their life.

Best regards,

Dee

[nothingclever]

I received an email, he apologized for hurting me. Said he's weak and it's his fault and he's sorry it worked out the way it did. So, I don't even know anymore....I do need to say that I don't have an interest in any romantic relationship right now. I am going to need quite a while to really get through this. If I have given anyone the wrong impression somehow, I sincerely apologize. I've gained a lot of insight from all of you and I'm very grateful.

[giuseppina]

Well, that is a start, but it can also be a trick to draw you back in, NothingClever. It doesn't sound like your ex is a positive influence on you, to be polite about it.

[Jenniferathome]

I received an email, he apologized for hurting me. Said he's weak and it's his fault and he's sorry it worked out the way it did. So, I don't even know anymore...

Cleaver, this is classic behavior for abusers of all types. Blame you, apologize, promise it will be different and start all over again. Don't get sucked back in. Wish him well and move on.

[nothingclever]

I'm inclined to agree. He's done things like this before, this is just the first time he brought the CDing into the equation. I didn't respond to the email, at any rate. It just seems pretty pointless. I've read so many posts on here by folks who have to hide from their SO or whose SOs refuse to accept them. It makes me feel like this issue really isn't about me, he's so angry with himself, he just isn't capable of a loving relationship at this point. I just need to move forward, I think.

[Lexi_83]

I wonder if he's happier now....I know it's none of my business, but he was so brutal and I don't think I deserved it....I keep going back and forth between angry and heartbroken. I'm alone now and I wasn't even a little bit prepared for how it all went down.Nobody, CD or SO knows how to deal with gender issues. We all have to learn.

If she's like most CD's she's been dressing since before puberty, and has purged many times, only to start again. You are blameless. Further it was Christian of you to be supportive. you are the object of the anger, not the source.

You may just have to say to yourself "I wish the relationship worked out, I tried my best, but it takes two."

[nothingclever]

I'm getting to that point, finally. The shock of it all is wearing off and I'm starting to be able to look at it a bit more objectively. Thank you again, for all of the support and understanding you all have shown me.

[Sometimes Steffi]

It's just so strange.

I live in suburban DC, so it's a big city by any definition. I'm in a very large local CD group. We have a Girl's Night Out every couple of months or so. Lately, we've been attracting 70 to 90 girls. Some of them come from several hours away. We also have a very good record of helping girls on their first time out.

Of the girls I know well, some come with their SOs, some have a very supportive SO who takes the kids out for pizza so the CD can get dressed at home. Many are in a don't ask, don't tell relationship with their SO. Many don't have an SO or have an ex-SO or 2. I'm sure that many of them would welcome a GG who would support them.

I have a married GG friend who supports us. She told me that at one time she met a CD while "he" was in girl mode. She fell in love with him. It turns out, "she" was already married and broke my friend's heart.

It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round.

It sounds like you ex-BF hasn't accepted himself yet, and until he does that, I'm not sure he can be happy or make anyone else happy. I'm sorry for you.

BTW, I'm pretty much the same person in boy mode or girl mode. In boy mode I'm and introvert and in girl mode I'm am more extroverted. As a girl, I hug friends; don't all girls. As a boy, no hugging allowed. When I'm shopping for boy clothes, I hate shopping at TJMaxx because I just want to find what I need, pay for it and go. When I'm shopping for girl clothes, the "hunt" is more than half the fun.

Oh, and one more thing. Sometime in the future your ex may, just may come to accept himself. If/when that day comes, he'll really kick himself for chasing away the best GG he is ever likely to find. Lightening doesn't strike twice.

You are really a good person. You should accept yourself and move on, knowing that things will only get better for you.

Steffi

[nothingclever]

Thank you for your kind words....this is kind of weird, a lot of people keep telling me how lucky my ex was and that I'm going to find someone, but I mean....it's pretty unlikely, he's the first one I've known to do this, or at least to share it with me. I don't think I'll ever find this again...which is part of what I need to grieve, I guess. Just never had an extra element on this order to deal with! It's been just one more thing...like breaking up isn't bad enough in general!

[ClosetED]

NC - your friend may be the first to reveal this to you, but I have read
Those that fully cross dress about 3-5 percent
Those that wear womens clothing under their own about 15-20 percent
According to some polls over 20% of men say that crossdressing is sexually pleasurable.

So it is not going to be uncommon you find someone who will enjoy it if you suggest it, or has been doing it and like you have heard here, is overjoyed to find someone who does not hate them for liking it themselves.

I'm a romantic and still see a chance with Alison to return and want to be with you. Doesn't mean you need to wait, but as you have read here, Alison will not die after so many years of existing.
And thank you for staying here and helping us!
Hugs, Ellen

[nothingclever]

I hope I do find someone who accepts all aspects of themselves, and of course, since I liked the CDing, I hope it's a part of an important relationship if I find someone. I don't know about suggesting they try it, might be a bit weird for us both....time will tell.

Alison isn't coming back, I don't think. If she did there would be so many issues to deal with aside from the CDing that we'd both end up exhausted in a day or two, I don't know....I guess time will tell on this too!