Karren J
06-02-2016, 10:47 PM
Hello everyone,
It's been about 9 months since I've posted anything and I've been sporadically checking to see what the latest topic is but I deliberately kept distant. To start with I've been upset and if your not interested in a little venting give this post a miss.
I got upset and felt rather excluded when the authenticity conversations got started, I felt like the group I really identified with had shunned and excluded me. I felt like I was back in high school and I just discovered the cool kids clique really didn't like me and I was a the butt of joke. I took it personally. I get it, I really do. Nobody wants to find out that they've been fooled, and I realize that the timing was bad with a rather proliferate contributor recently having been discovered to be an impostor.
Here's the thing, my problem. I truly believed that this was the place for me, I honestly thought here I could get advice and guidance from those who had walked this path before me. It really hurt to get the politely veiled responses that clearly said to me go away.
I thought this was the place for people like me, those who identified as transgendered but not ready present to the world. I will not dispute that I was still in the closet and I did not wish to share who I am. I still wanted help, I still felt vulnerable reaching out. I thought that this forum was the right place to get help and get to the point where I could face the world. I read the descriptions and I thought that safe haven was the place for exclusivity.
So I left, and that choice was all mine.
I suppose the question that makes the most sense is why come back?
Well I've got a little bit of "I'll show them" in me, however childish, but it's really as I said earlier. I truly believe this is the place for me, if I can fit in and be of value then it's worth it. If not I've lost nothing.
So in the last almost year I've kept at it, I've taken my pills and changed my patches. I've questioned myself and challenged my psychologist, I've doubted and believed, I've looked in the mirror and really seen myself and thought I can do this, and seen the monster who can't even pretend to be happy. I imagine it's all pretty normal. I've blitzed through changing my appearance with hair cut, highlights, styling brow waxing and ear piercing in one day. I've gone out and shopped, alone and with my wife and been to the theater as me and loved it. I'm out now, I've told my family, my friends, my co-workers. The people important to me know and the rest can find out as they will. I'm full time although I'm pretty self conscious about the stubble on my neck but I have to have it for my electrolysis appointment tomorrow, part of me wants to put back on the old clothes rather than go out with stubble. I guess I'll deal with that tomorrow.
I'm still married and I think we'll stay that way, there have been bumps and we're both still getting used to this new reality but everyday is a victory and things get easier and easier. The real turning point was probably the realization that I'm still the same person inside and just the packaging is changing.
I ended up going with the name Karren as I have a family member named Kelly and that would be difficult. So that's it that's all I've got to say and share for now, work I choose to keep private. take it as you will.
So this is me.
It's been about 9 months since I've posted anything and I've been sporadically checking to see what the latest topic is but I deliberately kept distant. To start with I've been upset and if your not interested in a little venting give this post a miss.
I got upset and felt rather excluded when the authenticity conversations got started, I felt like the group I really identified with had shunned and excluded me. I felt like I was back in high school and I just discovered the cool kids clique really didn't like me and I was a the butt of joke. I took it personally. I get it, I really do. Nobody wants to find out that they've been fooled, and I realize that the timing was bad with a rather proliferate contributor recently having been discovered to be an impostor.
Here's the thing, my problem. I truly believed that this was the place for me, I honestly thought here I could get advice and guidance from those who had walked this path before me. It really hurt to get the politely veiled responses that clearly said to me go away.
I thought this was the place for people like me, those who identified as transgendered but not ready present to the world. I will not dispute that I was still in the closet and I did not wish to share who I am. I still wanted help, I still felt vulnerable reaching out. I thought that this forum was the right place to get help and get to the point where I could face the world. I read the descriptions and I thought that safe haven was the place for exclusivity.
So I left, and that choice was all mine.
I suppose the question that makes the most sense is why come back?
Well I've got a little bit of "I'll show them" in me, however childish, but it's really as I said earlier. I truly believe this is the place for me, if I can fit in and be of value then it's worth it. If not I've lost nothing.
So in the last almost year I've kept at it, I've taken my pills and changed my patches. I've questioned myself and challenged my psychologist, I've doubted and believed, I've looked in the mirror and really seen myself and thought I can do this, and seen the monster who can't even pretend to be happy. I imagine it's all pretty normal. I've blitzed through changing my appearance with hair cut, highlights, styling brow waxing and ear piercing in one day. I've gone out and shopped, alone and with my wife and been to the theater as me and loved it. I'm out now, I've told my family, my friends, my co-workers. The people important to me know and the rest can find out as they will. I'm full time although I'm pretty self conscious about the stubble on my neck but I have to have it for my electrolysis appointment tomorrow, part of me wants to put back on the old clothes rather than go out with stubble. I guess I'll deal with that tomorrow.
I'm still married and I think we'll stay that way, there have been bumps and we're both still getting used to this new reality but everyday is a victory and things get easier and easier. The real turning point was probably the realization that I'm still the same person inside and just the packaging is changing.
I ended up going with the name Karren as I have a family member named Kelly and that would be difficult. So that's it that's all I've got to say and share for now, work I choose to keep private. take it as you will.
So this is me.