In a holding pattern

[Mykaa]

Living life with no one to share things with? Thats not living is it? What would you give up to be with someone who would accept you as you are? I have a job, I have friends here. I own a house. I am empty, I lost everything I was to a situation brought on by me being a cross dresser. I describe the actions of a person who I thought cared about me to others and they say 1 thing, mental problems. Ive had to hire lawyers to defend myself from this person. Im alone, I dont see my kids, I live in an area where being me really isnt ideal. I accepted me recently and discovered many things, what it is to be happy for one, I have made new friends, mostly from here. Some say higher powers have plans for us, is life a cruel joke? I dont know, sometimes it seems to be. When you meet someone special, Do you just know? To look in someones eyes and know they dont care what you are, just that they care, who wouldnt want that? I want that, to be someone like me isnt easy, I bet almost anyone here would say that, right? I couldnt sleep last night, Im afraid to admit what I want, things take time. People need space, sometimes to understand what they feel or to be able to move on. Being yourself with someone should be easy, right? I know we all belong somewhere, and with a someone, yes? The thoughts in my head have to go somewhere. I talk when I have things in my head, so far I havent been able to talk to anyone yet today. I am tired of this holding pattern, I couldnt sleep last night....

[Piora]

Mykaa, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. You certainly don't deserve any of that, simply by being who you are. Unfortunately, there's a stigma attached to crossdressing that a great number of people cannot...or WILL not...accept. But I think you're doing the right thing by posting your thoughts and feelings here. And you certainly do have friends. :hugs:


Some say higher powers have plans for us, is life a cruel joke?

Well, I don't believe that there's anything out there with "plans" for us. Life is what we make it, and the choices we make as well. WE are in control of our destiny, and it's up to us to make things better. I think most of us have our stories, and our hard knocks. And for many of us, it just makes us stronger and more resilient. I will tell you: this too shall pass. Don't let it drag you down, and keep being true to yourself. :love:

[JessieA]

I'm sorry you had a bad night. I have way too many of those as most of my bouts with depression now a days come because I'm over come with loneliness. There are times I lose all hope of having a special someone I can share everything with and just be me with. But I believe more and more what I think you say in your own way is you can only truly be happy by being and accepting who you are. I think that if you stay true to that you much more likely to find someone who is truly the person for you. But remember till then your not truly alone and have friends here.

[Mykaa]

Well my friends thanks for replying to me, I want to add what Im feeling right now isnt "bad feelings" ok? Im doing ok and Im just having some thoughts about what I might do if I met someone who would accept me the way I am. A plus minus thing, ya know?

[Nadine Spirit]

"Being yourself with someone should be easy, right?"

Maybe theoretically, but being, open, honest, and trusting with my spouse has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not because of her, but because being those ways is difficult with anyone, most importantly, ourselves.

[Mykaa]

Very True Nadine, I wont disagree, I have had a lot of time to think about my bad points and the how's and why's I got to be where I am in life right now. Step 1 was accepting me, Happiness from within comes about, I still have things that bother me, I still get upset, but I dont carry it around anymore. I know no situation is ever perfect, thats life and yes I am a work in progress. I like to think Im going in a positive direction at least.

[AllisonS]

Living life with no one to share things with? Thats not living is it?

Mykaa, I have felt this same thing and there are some similarities in your description to my own. You might do well to consider your own question. I grew up in a time where being single was just weird. Everybody gets married unless there is something wrong with them. There is and was social conditioning regarding this point. Almost all of my adult life I have been married. Now I am single. While I do desire a relationship, I'm not trying to make that happen. I am trying to learn how to live alone. I know I don't know how. It takes some practice. If you are older, like me, and have no experience, then it might help to dig into it a little and make some plans for how you will live a rewarding life, EVEN IF, you are an independent (and free) person. If you search the internet for "best things about being single", you may find that you have opportunities for fun and self-improvement that you are not considering. Best wishes on your journey... Allison

[gina shiney]

Mykaa really sorry to hear about your lack of sleep and of the situation that you find yourself currently in.
Sleep..... well personally sleep and I have a strange relationship. Average 3-4 hours in 24 hours most times then 36-48 no sleep followed by the crash 12-14 hrs. But the biggest thing is the constant thoughts endlessly thundering, on and on without a break that really get me. What if , if only, why now, & the occasional WHY ME
You have friends and currently while here you have more than you think. We read, notice and sometimes even reply to posts.
Checkout interesting older posts by members, read profiles if you find some that make you want to understand or just know more PM them
While+/- lists are a good tool if cupid hits well .. gina

[RADER]

Mykaa;
You bring up an interesting thought; What will my Daughter think of me if
she finds me at home dressed in bed after I have passed on.
I sleep well most of the time, but I often wonder If I should Purge some
of my extra clothes. Purge is a bad word to me, I can not think of letting
anything go.
Rader

[Alice Torn]

Mykaa,Your thread is little like some of my last thread, and others i started about being a rare single on here. Yep. I sleep lousy, too. Know the feeling of alone. Been there a very long time. Partly, i had t realize just having a special someone was not going to make me happy. That it is a rose, with painful thorns. That i had to quit worshiping another imperfect person, and learn to accept walking alone. Cats or dogs surely help , in this, though! I realize i have nothing to offer anyone, except perhaps friendship. I have been tied up with my dad, brothers and sister for years now, not at all fun, had my first girlfriend kill herself, in 1982, dated some, but i had no good income, to support a wife with, so i walk alone. I will likely die alone, so I need to get all my lady things into bins, and label them for charity.

- - - Updated - - -

Allison, I hear you about growing up in the time, when everyone was to be married pretty young. But, my parents told us kids to not date, not marry, not have kids, during that time, so me, and all my siblings are unmarried, in our 60's now!!! I feel really robbed, and strange, and with CDing, super strange, and a loner, but learning to be content alone, glad i am not with a wrong person, but my next door neighbor pain in the b--, is a problem, nosey, and relentlessly working to control me. I guess we can never have everything go well.

[Tracii G]

Everything in your life is up to you and only you can change what you don't like about it.
My life is far from perfect,divorced twice, retired so no job and no real income. Nobody in my life and probably not suited for anyone in a relationship situation.
I could sit here and muse, complain,throw a pity party for myself but whats the point who am I hurting?
The answer is myself and if I let all the bad get to me I would be miserable.
I took my hobby of guitar repair and turned it into a small business,embraced my sexuality and my TG ness,dress enfemme anytime I want so I have nothing to complain about now and live by my own rules.

[Mykaa]

I absolutely agree Tracii, Im just mulling thoughts over and possibilities is all, I mainly wanted to share that today. What we do is up to us and it is what we make of it. Happiness starts within ourselves.

[Kate Simmons]

I think you are doing quite well my friend, considering that you only fairly recently embraced your true feelings. :battingeyelashes::)

[Tracii G]

Kate is right you have come far in a short time Mykaa.
Its a lot to take in and a lot to think about and you may never have all the answers.

[Tommie.]

I am your friend Mykaa. I am here to listen. We are your friends and here to listen. And the higher power you mentioned is and has been listening with a plan for all of us on His time table. May the Lord's angels surround you and bring you peace and rest....

[sometimes_miss]

<snip>I am empty, I lost everything I was to a situation brought on by me being a cross dresser <snip>
Yup, that was me 18 years ago. Times change. We learn to adapt to the situation. And learn to appreciate what we have......and what we don't have. I started with something I had heard: 'Instead of being miserable because you don't have the things you want, think of all the things that you DON'T want that you don't have'. I don't have cancer. I don't live in a dangerous neighborhood. I don't have someone that wants to kill me hunting me down. I don't have a criminal record. I don't (or no longer) have a spouse that nags me (there really is value in peace and quiet). I don't have a horrible skin condition. I don't need glasses to see, or a hearing aid to hear. I don't have a car that's falling apart. I don't have parasitic family members or friends. I don't have a home with rotten electrics so my refrigerator circuit breaker clicks off, making my food spoil. I don't have a mattress full of bedbugs. I don't have ants, roaches, or any pests. I don't have a landlord that goes through my apartment when I'm not home. I don't have any annoying neighbors. Nobody in the neighborhood drives noisy cars late at night or early in the morning, and no one mows the lawn at 7 am either. I don't have terribly polluted water like the poor folks in Flint Michigan. I don't have animals outside the house that want to eat me like folks in the everglades or the jungles, for just two examples. I don't live in a flood zone.

Sure, life could be better. But it could be a whole lot worse. Always look on the bright side of life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

[Mykaa]

Thanks for all the concerns, the night of unrest was more for excitement than troubles, I slept last night, thats what matters, we all have our ups & downs its just what we do with it isnt it? being there for someone else is what really matters in the long run and if thats all the unrest was for its was worth it & Id do it again. I hope she understands what an amazing person she is and its been a lot of fun for me just to talk to her.

[marlacd]

Operating solo through life isn't easy. Being raised on a farm, I learned to be self entertaining.

Yes, it would be great if we could find another person that would accept our preferences and quirks. But then, we would have to accept their baggage in the process. Of course, that's always easier said than done. At least we have this place to commiserate, and share our thoughts. (And to gripe and complain) If we all lived closer to one another, or had our own community to live in, we might be happier with ourselves. But, people in history had tried that, and it didn't work out.

I don't know if others have noticed it, but I have seen some argue here. One may get her nose out of joint, and not show up for several days. Nothing works exactly like we'd want it to.

We just have to work with the hand we were dealt. Sometimes it plays well, sometimes not.

[Teresa]

Mykaa,
You words have so much meaning , I came close to separation, it would have been after forty years of marriage . The first few days of talking it over with my wife felt like a release, freedom at last, I began to plan how my life would reshape itself around possibly dressing 100%. Then you see the other side of the coin the hurt and loss not only for me but my entire family , in some respects it would be better if my wife just asked to leave, but that would be putting a huge responsibility on her for that action, she does value me in so many ways, the obstacle is CDing . We are trying hard to accommodate it , she knows it's an open subject with me but very much a closed book to her. It's all a compromise we have good days and bad, the result my sleep pattern is terrible, I get one decent night sleep each week the rest I'm up at two in the morning drinking tea , checking the forum hoping i might get into bed and fall asleep for a few hours.

I don't believe in higher powers, if they exist they have a dreadful sense of humour !