I am starting to see it... And a quick question

[JanePeterson]

Well, I think previously someone mentioned that airing out some of the TS struggles in the public side of the house would be helpful...

Just got home from a week on the road with my mom for a mini vacation. We drove from Michigan all the way out to badlands NP in South Dakota, spent a few days in the backcountry, then drove on to Devils Tower in WY. On the way home, stopped at my wife's cousins for a night too.

The trip was... Hard. It was amazing spending so much time with my mom, but a spent the entire time being crushed between trying to stay at least marginally passable on the road so I could pee without getting hurt, or facing my building GD after going back to male mode. My mom is super accepting/kind in that she handled my oscillating gender presentation - in the backcountry there is no way for me to look or feel feminine, but when we were out there with just us it didn't matter too much.

After getting back to a hotel I was able to change back, and it was such a relief!

The scary part is the increasing pull of an "authentic" existence. I can FEEL it like gravity, and it's neither "male mode" or "female mode"... It's something that doesn't exist yet where I am comfortable in my skin without any additions ( notice I didn't say happy in my skin, or pretty or sexy, while nice I can survive without those feelings). I can conceptualize a day where I am just me all the time, without attachments or paint or anything else... And the desire for that feeling is overwhelming everything else in my mind.

Being with cousins was fun, but misgendering is becoming more distressing for me. I think some people who are well meaning end up doing it reflexively as a way to feel more comfortable "oh, it's still HIM, everything is normal/fine" . I tried to be as kind and patient as possible, but I did bring it up as it happened. Still better than the thought of being there as the old me...

Finally, while I dont want to give details quite yet, I will say my looming confrontation with work over this is beginning to wear on me - each day draws me closer to the biggest scariest and craziest thing I've ever done... Something likely to result in tossing away 14 years worth of hard work... And yet I can't wait to get it over with. What I'm doing might look reckless to some ( my mom is freaked) but that's what people mean about transition not being a choice- there is NOTHING that can stop where this is going... I might get slowed down or diverted from time to time, but there are only 2 outcomes at the end of this no matter the costs; either I'll be ME in my own eyes, or I'll be gone.


Question for transitioners.... Any benefit to disclosing to head hunters the real reason why I'm leaving my current job? I can prob get away without disclosure, but I prefer not to be sneaky about it.

[MissDanielle]

Re headhunters, will you have changed your name when you plan to come in for interviews? My temp agency has a client relations manager on site so I came out to them a few weeks ago via email just to give them a heads up.

The misgendering sucks. I came out on FB, even while presenting male as I know I can't pass yet, and my parents and brother are still using deadname.

Good luck with the work situation.

[Megan G]

Jane,

That's a tough question... What to say to head hunters. As you already know I have been struggling on the work front and have been actively interviewing and searching for the past 4- 5 months after the company I was managing the Canadian operations for decided to close up shop here in Canada and concentrate their efforts in the US. So I have been dealing with head hunters for a little while now.

It's a tricky situation, What I have found is some head hunters are not bothered by the TS issue and will actively campain for you if they feel that you are a qualified candidate and others will go cold. I try not to bring it up but since I do not have the luxury of passing privillage It does comes up from time to time. It will also depend on the industry you are trying to go into. Obviously tech or healthcare are going to be more accepting than construction or automotive. As a Construction/Project Manager it has been a very difficult road for me.

Another thought my therapist and I have discussed is we also have multiple chances for them to discriminate against us. When you send in your CV it obviously will be in your new female name and in the construction industry there is a bias that still exists and women are generally looked down on, and then if you manage to find a company that is willing to look past that and then they see or find out your TS then it is a brand new chance for them to discriminate against you..

I wish ya luck.. For me it is looking more and more like I am going to go back to college and get into healthcare, but doing that at 42 scares the crap outta me..

[Badtranny]

Courage Jane.

I don't think you should reveal anything to anyone officially. Your preparations should include the name change as soon as you can get it done. I was lucky because I had about a year between full time and being forced out of my job. By that time, I was very comfortable with my new life, and going to interviews was not nearly as nerve wracking as it would have been even six months earlier.

If you have the option, then stay. Deal with the associated BS for as long as you can. You need this time to grow into your new consciousness. Early transition is really rough and pretty damn stressful all by itself so do everything you can to keep your current job and buy yourself some time. You have a LOT of work to do.

There will likely be a zillion opportunities in the very near future for you to respond to various stimuli in a self destructive manner. Do yourself a favor and resist the hell out of it. It's hard, but being a newly transitioned unemployed person is harder. Eat the crow, swallow your pride, bide your time and get your feet under you before you take that particular step. You have plenty of other problems to keep you occupied.

Mind the gap, and keep your head. Shit's about to get real.

[Suzanne F]

Jane
I faced all of this back in October. You are facing it much sooner in the process than I did. I had about 2 years to get used to being me out in the world and had come out to all friends and family. I know what you are facing with your employer since I had that kind of job many years ago. Remember you are you no matter how you have to appear that day. I found it helpful to have something on or with me that I could think about to help me with the GD. I agree with Melissa that shit is going to get real sooner than later. I believe you are going to find an inner strength that you didn't know you had and you will get through this. But don't be surprised every time the bar goes a little higher. Sitting here recovering form SRS that everyone in my personal and professional life knows about, I can't believe I have made it this far. Damn this is difficult! I have faith that you can do it!
Suzanne