Dressing round the family.

[Teresa]

I gave a reply to Katya about being out and dressing round the family and realised in those words that that it's never going to happen for me.

If I was faced with that situation I would want to be fully dressed with makeup and wig and not a guy in a dress but I then began to think about how I would act.
When I go to my social meeting it isn't an act, no change of voice no extreme feminine mannerisms , it really is fulfilling a need. In a home environment would I have to act the part ? Would it be expected of me ? In that situation they are going to think I want to be a woman, if at the end of the evening I appear back in drab, suggesting I've now got that out of my system, they are going to think what does he mean and confuse then all the more.

Members talk about their shopping trips or a meal out , the people you meet are fleeting , it doesn't matter if you see them again , so what they think or say isn't going to affect you long term, they will not think if you're a guy who needs to crossdress sometimes or you're going through transition .They may think you look Ok even passable or you're just a weirdo. That problem doesn't arise in a social /help group but in a home situation they really need to know , if you're not TS then why do you need to dress at all round the family. I realise now that I can't push my family any more, they know about my dressing, if they wish to discuss it they will come to me , I can't keep pushing to be more open and expect them to openly talk about it anymore. My social outings are giving me the outlet I need I can't expect to sit around the family table dressed and all of them be comfortable about it , it's not fair on them .

Recent threads have again brought up the question of dressing and children . Some think the sooner they know the sooner they will accept it, again I can only think that really applies to TSs . To a child sometimes seeing you as dad and sometimes more like mum, has got to confuse them, instead of saying how much will a child accept it we should ask home much or little will they be confused . I keep saying that children have their own set of problems it's not fair to put yours on top , that applies right through their education period , let them grow up and become adults before you offload an adult situation on them .

[Rachael Leigh]

Teresa these are all great thoughts and questions, while I have no children at home but do have grandkids I don't think I would ever want them to see me as Leigh, however the question is they may see others in public and question why that man dresses as he does and for me how could I answer that. I think I would want to be honest with them but yet maybe not with totally revealing my own part of myself. I love my family but I know that most would not accept this part of me and never understand why I do it. Yes our family can be our toughest critic for sure

[Pat]

Not arguing, since I believe you're the only one to be making decisions about yourself, but just saying consider this...

In your detailed description of how your family would react to you, it seems like you're projecting on them your perception of what they'd be thinking, what they'd be feeling, etc. But you're denying them the chance to actually think and feel about the situation. Not sure what your relationship to your Dad was, but let's assume for a moment it was good. Can you then ask yourself if it was him, and you loved him, would you want him distraught and feeling like he couldn't be himself around you? If he hid his nature from you and you fond out later in life, would you be relieved that you didn't have to deal with it or be sad that he concealed this from you? Just asking -- I'm not suggesting any action.

[Beverley Sims]

I have no need to complicate my life any further.

[Teresa]

Jennie,
I raised a point sometime ago about my perception, the way my Cding started and the age it did left me with a continuous feeling or need. There is no ebb and flow with me so I had to learn how to work round it to function in male mode, I feel I only see things through the mind of a bi-gender. So yes you could be right it's my perception of what they may be thinking .
Could I go as far to say that most of us have a different perception of life through the way our brains are wired ?

I realise you used my dad as an example, but we didn't get on , he appeared to have a huge resentment of me, I could never do right. I believe that stemmed from his own issues maybe from his upbringing, so I never really knew him that closely , maybe he needed to come out over some issues, my mother has never spoken of any problems but I do think there were somethings never spoken of. He died at 53 through complications with bacterial endocarditis , sadly I never missed him. From an early age I vowed to do the opposite of him and try and be a good husband and father and now grandfather, despite the Cding problem I come close to that vow, I can't say its' perfect but not many of us could say that .

[docrobbysherry]

Since I'm a CD, I don't feel the need to push Sherry on a family member.

If I needed to live as a female, I would feel very differently about this!:straightface:

[Lorileah]

Recent threads have again brought up the question of dressing and children . Some think the sooner they know the sooner they will accept it, again I can only think that really applies to TSs . To a child sometimes seeing you as dad and sometimes more like mum, has got to confuse them, instead of saying how much will a child accept it we should ask home much or little will they be confused . I keep saying that children have their own set of problems it's not fair to put yours on top , that applies right through their education period , let them grow up and become adults before you offload an adult situation on them . Societal illusions devised centuries ago when one partner needed to be the hunter the other the gatherer in order for the unit to function. What is being a dad? All macho and pumped? Or just being a parent?
in today's society, being strong and aggressive and alpha really isn't required to have a family unit. Many males reject traditional roles. Many females are the large contributor to income. Many parents are single for your traditional gender roles fail there.

Why, is wearing a certain piece of clothing going to diminish your stature as a parent (lose the "dad" most males can father a child, bit they aren't parents)? If your child rejects you because of what you wear it reflects in my opinion on how you taught the child. You set the bar. They had no concept of how a "man" should act when they were born.

[Andrea2656]

Teresa,

Thank you for your post. I want to learn from your experience. You said that your family knows about your dressing but you feel that you do not want to "push my family any more". What if someone in the family approached you want asked to see en femme? As you point out, you will probably feel that you would have to "act the part". What would be your response? My situation is different. My wife knows about my dressing and accepts it as part of my "idiosyncrasies" but she is very clear that she does not want others to know.

I look forward to your thoughts.

[ReineD]

To a child sometimes seeing you as dad and sometimes more like mum, has got to confuse them, instead of saying how much will a child accept it we should ask home much or little will they be confused .

In all fairness, young children will not define their parent any differently than before other than noting that their dad is wearing a dress. Clothes do not fundamentally change a person. Confusion will only arise if their dad tells them that he is no longer their dad and is instead their mum.

There was a thread awhile back in the TS section and most of the TSs who were parents said they told their children they would never stop being their dad.

[Teresa]

Andrea,
My family all know about my CDing, that is my wife , son and daughter, also their married partners. My daughter and son in law are very accepting, my daughter has seen my pictures, my son is OK and my daughter in law is more accepting than I expected, but she did tell my wife that she couldn't live with it as a married partner. The point about this is I'm really only out to them because the know but it's a big difference seeing me. If someone approached me the easiest solution is to show them a picture, I will add that when I mentioned a social group near where my daughter lives she told she didn't have a problem with me getting ready at her home. I prefer not to take her up on that because it may cause some friction with my wife.

The quote about pushing them any more relates to some threads I posted in Loved Ones section, I was told I was pushing too hard , now I realise it . So many had been saying that meeting others socially may help and it's very true , getting totally dressed and meeting others who aren't going to criticise you, and accept you is very comforting , it fulfils those inner needs. I realise that is not going to happen in my own home so I have to stop pushing for it.

Lorileah,
Its an interesting point , but you can never say how it may affect them, either at the time or later, maybe it's better to not make it a problem in the first place. Being a dad or being a man , whatever, I'm pretty well burned out trying to live that part , some of it to bury Teresa inside me and some to prove the usual things expected of a man. To me the last line sums it up , let them become adults before you offload an adult problem on them. It just feels wrong to tell a child , expect them to understand and then possibly get some support from them.

[phili]

In my world the part of the family that lives on conflict and criticism will do that about crossdressing, and the family that focuses on support, encouragement, understanding, etc. will make an effort to do that.

Gender expression is presentation, and therefore like one half of a conversation. We have different kinds of conversation partners- and have a lot of things to talk about, not just our clothing choices. For me cross-dressing is about freedom from some or all the rules related to being men, but that is not the only issue that I have to talk about with a family member, so I postpone talking about it until the subject comes up somehow- which is easier these days for all the bathroom wrangling.

I also find when I am out and about and people are friendly and talk with me, I feel much less need for my wife to be positive. I can see she is not ready, but I have had my basic need met.

[Kate Simmons]

That was an Idea I wanted to pursue several years ago but it didn't seem to go over too big, so it kind of just expired on it's own. :)

[Rachelakld]

To my girls I'm still dad, reguardless of how I express my gender.
I'm sometimes just a tights and top girl at home, sometimes just a summer dress, sometimes drab scruff work clothes, sometimes I'm in full girl mode.
Either way, I'm still expected to help in the kitchen, help with home work, mow the lawns, fix the cars & computers, help clean the house.

Mentally I only get chance to switch to female when I leave the "normal" area of influance (I can be in girl mode while at the shops in drab, while with my kids).
Are my kids confused - NO, not in the slightest.
While they may have virtual lives with their avatar, my avatar resides in the real world.

[Teresa]

Rachel,
I don't know when you emigrated from Yorkshire, but would your comments still apply if or when you revisit the rest of your family back in Yorkshire, or of course if they visit you ? Obviously I'm assuming you kept in touch .