So many posts about "Why do I crossdress". My question is why should we care?

[Curiosity666]

I don't think that not knowing *why* one enjoys something is a problem. Do we know why anyone enjoys anything? Why do some people enjoy licorice and some people hate it? Why do some people enjoy heavy metal and some people hate it? No one has an internal conflict about why they hate wearing suits while some other people love wearing suits.

The difference is society says that crossdressing is *weird*, or *wrong*. Because we feel that it's something we shouldn't do, we look for the reason that we enjoy it so that we may eliminate the cause and be "normal".

So, ask yourself: "Is my crossdressing *wrong*?"

No? Good! If it's not wrong then why should we worry about why we have this desire? Just let it be any other part of your personality, like any of your other passions in life!

[Georgina]

I have never worried why I do it. Enjoying dressing was enough for me.

[Kate Simmons]

The only time to be concerned is if it negatively affects ourselves or others. :)

[Molly James]

For me the why arises because my wife understandably finds it hard to reason why me the man wishes to wear dresses etc but you're right in saying that we should just enjoy this as we do any other pastime.

[sara66]

I questioned why when I came out to my wife. I never really thought about it until my ask why. I have always thought it was a little weird, but I have always been a little off.
Sara

[Mykaa]

Well I can say as the circumstances of my being what I am have put me in a situation where no Im not hurting anyone anymore or myself, I have accepted myself, I am happy, I do my best to help others. So No Im not wrong. Has this cost me? I think Yes would be the honest answer. I had a lot of conflict inside for a long time, Yes thats gone, I think the conflict likely put me more into this situation I have now than the dressing itself, Thats something to think about there. I will add if you dont see the pain this can put into another person, Im talking about the Woman in your life then you better think again. I would like to add to that, a very good friends advice should come into play here. She said I would want to know upfront.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lucy :hugs:, For me, It's just who I am and it's just what I do...:daydreaming:...

[Curiosity666]

My wife understandably finds it hard to reason why me the man wishes to wear dresses etc.

I'm by no means saying that you should ignore all the others in your life just because you have come to terms with crossdressing being a part of who you are. The thinking in my original post extends to those around us. Would your wife question why you, for example, want to spend a night at the pub with your friends rather than do the housework? She may not like it, but she won't question your desires. It's just part of your personality. (I use this example because a healthy relationship is about compromise. You might do the housework and then go out, keeping all involved happy. As with crossdressing she may not like it, but with compromise it can work.)


Has this cost me? I think Yes would be the honest answer.

Just because crossdressing has the potential to cause hurt in a relationship doesn't mean it's wrong or any different from other hobbies. For example, I ride a motorcycle. I bought the bike when I was still with my ex partner, and let me tell you, it cost me! Both financially and in terms of friction in a relationship.

I agree that it should be something you know upfront :). I told my current partner after our second date. It's all part of communication. Imagine if I bought a motorcycle home without discussing it first! My ex would have likley been an ex much sooner!

[Genni]

I am interested in the "why" of many things, including why I am a crossdresser. I don't worry about it and it's certainly not because I think it's *wrong*. I am happy as I am and wouldn't change if I could, but am curious about this rather peculiar fascination with wearing feminine clothes.

[Teresa]

Lucy,
It takes a long time to find out it's not wrong the problem is convincing others.

It isn't that easy when you're married with kids , a mortgage round your neck and a business to run, if it gets in the way of all that then it's hard to prove it's not wrong.
I don't have a problem at all now about who knows, because it's part of me which is never going away.

[ClosetED]

As you said, the current US society says it is wrong/weird, and that influences those around me whose opinions I care about. I may no longer feel it is wrong, but if the people I care about will no longer interact with me the same way (or not at all) then I do wonder why I have this strong desire. This helps me weigh the costs of my actions, to see if any alternative might replace the basic need, etc.
For someone who will not expose others to their crossdressing, then there may be no conflict.

You wanted a motorcycle, and your partner would prefer you did not have one. Society did not care. You probably thought about why you wanted it, knew it would interfere with your interactions with your partner, and weighed the costs/benefits of doing what you desired. So in my opinion, similar, except it was one person and not many including 'society'.
So if society changes, then we could crossdress as easily as choosing to eat licorice or not.
Hugs, Ellen

[Sarah Doepner]

I gave up trying to find the "why" quite a while ago. However, I'm still trying to understand the "what" and "how" parts of it now. Regardless of the reason I want to do this, I need to understand what the impact on my life is and how I can make it work the best. "Where" it fits in to the rest of my life and the lives of those I care about (and recently those who don't understand and dislike me just for who I am), is worth time and effort as well.

[NicoleScott]

I eventually got over "what's wrong with me? I shouldn't be doing this." I still am curious as to why. "I was born this way" doesn't do it, lacking proof. No answers so far, just theories.

[Amy Fakley]

Until science is done that can explain this, there will be no satisfying answer as to "why?".
I think there's two main reasons we ask this question over and over:

1 - we want to justify ourselves to others
2 - we want to justify ourselves to ourselves

It reminds me a little bit of my (thankfully brief) experience with cancer. There were literally years of struggling with unrelenting symptoms, and test after test after test. I was sick and nobody could figure out why, until one day they found the answer and the answer was that I had a tumor on my pancreas.

Sort of like how I struggled with gender issues my entire life, beating my head agaist one "test" after another to validate my maleness, until one day I found the answer and the answer was "because I'm trans".

THEN the relentless search for "WHY?" sets in ... Just like it did with the cancer ... "What? You're only 34, you been smoking? Drinking too much? Eating wrong? Is it environmental contamination? Why, why why??"

Same damn pattern as with trans stuff ... And also just like with cancer, it kind of just doesn't matter. The point is, you're in this boat now and you can learn to paddle or you're gonna be stuck until you do.

[LilSissyStevie]

As long as it causes you no distress, there is no particular reason to look into it other than curiosity. If you do go on the journey of self discovery, I suggest only accepting those reasons that reinforce and amplify the behavior. Otherwise you might find that knowing takes all the fun out it. Some days I wish I had my delusions back. You could end up singing "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then" from that song by that guy.

[CynthiaD]

But I know why I crossdress. It's not something that can be put into words though.

I put on a dress, wig, and forms, and look in the mirror. When I see myself, I know why I crossdress. It's not a thrill, it's just an overwhelming feeling of "correctness." I know, for certain, that this is absolutely the right thing to do.

[Chelsea B]

Well said, Cynthia!

[docrobbysherry]

I sometimes think it's funny that I get so much enjoyment out of looking like a female. At others, I regret having this compulsion!

My ex says it was behind our divorce. Even tho I only began serious about it after we split up.:brolleyes:

My live in adult daughter doesn't want see, hear, or talk about it.:sad:

After all is said and done, how bad can it really be? :straightface:

[RADER]

I like cross dressing; However society is strongly opposed to it in general.
If it where generally accepted for a man to wear a skirt or a dress, I would
wear one most days in my every day attire.
So now how do we rewrite the rules of who wears what.
Rader

[susan54]

I have asked myself why I do it for years and am no closer to an answer. But HOW I do it has changed. I am not trans but I almost always wear a bra and forms when I wear a skirt or dress. Why? No idea. Don't care. I used to go out dressed frequently and was permanently in a professional toenail colour. It is a couple of years now since I got a pedicure and I hardly ever go out dressed - partly there is a reluctance to mislead people about my gender. I can do the feminine walk and voice but I no longer want to. I go with the flow because I can - it is so automatic to come home from work, shower then wear the full outfit less make up and wig that it no longer occurs to me NOT to do it. I have stopped trying to understand and get on with life - in a dress.

[Rachael Leigh]

I gave up on the why a few years ago but there are still others like those we have relationships with would love to know.
Trouble is if we did know would it make a difference and would it make us stop, most likely no.
It is what it is and yes I do find it strange sometimes but now I just accept the fact I'm a crossdresser

[Tracii G]

I think some people love to express they are going thru internal conflicts because its the "in " thing to do on social media.
If you don't have "issues" in this snowflake mentality generation going on right now you are not part of the in crowd.
Kind of a left over of the EMO phase so many snowflakes went thru growing up.
Me saying that may come off as cold but holy cow get over yourselves life isn't easy and it never has been.

[NewBrendaLee]

I agree no it is not wrong I wish that I could dress and live as a female full time

[Curiosity666]

I think some people love to express they are going thru internal conflicts because its the "in " thing to do on social media.

While this is certainly true (both in the cd community and in the wider world), I think that mentality can actually be extended to partners. They choose to blame all the problems in a relationship on the "issue" that their partner has. They use crossdressing as a scape goat, and hence want to uncover the cause (because unlike desires and personalities, mental conditions have a "cause").

[Lacey New]

The difference is society says that crossdressing is *weird*, or *wrong*. Because we feel that it's something we shouldn't do, we look for the reason that we enjoy it so that we may eliminate the cause and be "normal".

I think you hit the nail on the head there and this is why we keep asking the question through so many different threads. While a fair number of members on this site have gone out and met other CDers in various get togethers, most of us are still very much in the closet and out only to a very few, if any. This inevitably leads to a sense of isolation. Am I the only one that does this? Whiy do I crossdress and I don't see or know of anyone else that does it? This website has become our support group. It is our network and connection to others. And while we may never really know why we crossdress and most other men don't, at least through this forum, we have the ability to relate to those who do. That provides the affirmation that says - yes, it may be a little weird (by the rest of society's standards) - but I'm not the only weird one, so I guess it is OK.

[Mykaa]

Lucy you just defined my ex, "They choose to blame all the problems in a relationship on the "issue" that their partner has. They use crossdressing as a scape goat" I have had to goto court twice because of this,( Exactly This!) let me tell you when you have to sit down with someone you barely know and explain why you do this, no its not real pleasant, but you know what? Im still here and in the end Im a lot stronger because of that. Isolation is chosen not lived, you should try making a friend you can actually talk to instead of just writing on the forum. I have reached out to many people for different reasons , whether it be to help or just be friends, I will never regret reaching out.

[jacques]

hi,
if you were obsessed by eating licorice would you not wonder why and where the obsession started, particularly if it was your guilty secret?
the puzzle about "why do I crossdress?" does seem to be something many of us wish to solve... and then we all add to it by wondering why!
luv J

[ReineD]

The crossdressing sometimes has a negative impact on someone's life, if their partner doesn't accept it, or if they have kids they don't want to tell and they want to sneak out of the house dressed, or if they're afraid they will suffer negative consequences should friends, family members, or coworkers find out. Such a CDer might want to figure out where it comes from if he is looking for ways to control it to diminish any potential negative impact.

Also some people experience such strong needs to dress that they wonder if they are TS and they should transition, which is a difficult decision to make. This is a strong reason for wanting to get into it more deeply than just, "go out there and enjoy".

But, if you're young and either unattached or your partner is into it and you live in a milieu where you are not concerned should people find out, then I agree with you. Just go out there and enjoy it to the fullest! :)

[MonctonGirl]

As humans, we wonder why we do A LOT of things. Yawn, sleep, hiccup - feel rejection, get goosebumps when afraid or cold.
This one is especially interesting because it can affect our lives in so many ways. We'd like to know what drives the desire or compulsion.

If an abused women understood that it is natural for her to feel safer with a male who can & will hurt her ( because he can protect her from other outside threats ) then she might be able to overcome her unconscious compulsion to answer the question about why she chooses to stay with her abuser with a statement like the very familiar: "I don't know, I love him" and stop getting hurt. Make sense?

If we did not KNOW, 100% for sure, that our crossdressing behavior is in fact wrong and that WE and our BEHAVIOR is abnormal then we'd be having these discussions in public somewhere...or at the table with our families.

wrong - anything that interrupts order - in this case, we interrupt the decision-making process for other people, which is based on gender identification and expected behavior
abnormal - anything that is not within the typical expected range of variables. A large percentage of men would need to adopt & engage in the behavior in order for the abnormal behavior to be deemed normal. What is "large enough? Simple answer: Enough to stand a chance in a physical fight with the majority. ( A very small percentage of men do martial arts, but they stand a better chance of winning against the majority in a fight )

The truly insane are not aware that they are insane. This is the fear of the majority who looks in from outside at crossdressers, gays, transexuals, certain religious groups, Justin Bieber fans, or even bronies (google brony ). See, the most dangerous criminals are the ones who always claim the did nothing wrong.
I say "admit this is wrong and deviant" - like sex outside of marriage.
Note that North America was stronger and there was not such a big welfare drain when marriage was culturally expected and expected to be permanent.
Some thought it was "not wrong" to have sex outside of marriage, but there is now proof that it is.
But people do it anyway.
So - admit this is wrong and abnormal - make your own choice of whether to abstain or indulge

[Dana44]

There is no wrong about it. I have finally come to an understanding about myself. It is what it is and I like to express my feminine side and be the cross-dresser that I am. do I care, well yes but This is who I am and although it may be strange, I push the envelope and live life to the fullest.

[Curiosity666]

So - admit this is wrong and abnormal - make your own choice of whether to abstain or indulge

I will admit that this behaviour is abnormal. I think you'll find that a very large number of the population is abnormal in some way or the other.

However I will not say that it is wrong. A behavior in itself cannot be wrong. You use sex outside of marriage as an example. We say that this is wrong because it breaks the vows of the relationship, destroys trust and is a huge upset to the partner. This is wrong because of the hurt it causes the other person. Hurting someone is wrong.

However what if the couple are polygamous? What if the couple are aware and consenting, or even encouraging of sex outside marriage? Is it wrong then?

In the same sense, crossdressing isn't wrong. You say that it interrupts societies ability to assign gender based on appearance. This is a whole other discussion, but I'll just say that my view is that this also isn't wrong.

Some people act in the wrong way *because* of crossdressing, such as lying, or allowing it to be used as an excuse for poor communication within a relationship. These behaviors are wrong, but crossdressing isn't the cause; despite the number of people that use it an an excuse.

[Samantha_Marie]

I don't really care about the why for me. I try to get as much of that answer so that I can talk to my wife about it. She's the type of person that finds that part of it important. I don't know that there is an answer but anything that I can do to help her is worth it.

[sometimes_miss]

Until science is done that can explain this, there will be no satisfying answer as to "why?"
Perhaps not for you. But that doesn't apply to everyone.

Remember, if you cannot tell someone why you are doing something, they will apply their own reason to you, and you probably won't like the reason they choose. But unless you have a better explanation, they will automatically assume they are right. Let me give you some 'reasons' that the general public has:
1. You're gay.
2. You're gay and in denial
3. You're gay and lying about it
4. You're transsexual.
5. You're transsexual and in denial
6. You're transsexual and lying about it.
OK, there are six common reasons, one of which people will most likely choose to apply to you whether you like it or not, because you offer none. 'I don't know' or 'I was born this way' isn't going to do it. 'The clothes feel better' will be looked on with suspician by any woman because they've been wearing tight fitting stuff for, well, forever and usually don't like it.

Now you know why you need a reason.

I'm not saying you'll be better off telling the real reason; but at least it's a start. Because the above usually aren't going to make you popular with most people.

[sometimes_miss]

Problem is, after you've given them your best thought out answer, they're still going to think one of the six most common reasons.
That hasn't been my experience.

[Curiosity666]

This is the reason I started this thread in the first place. I agree that if you don't offer a thought put explanation then you will be lumped into "one of the six". However what if instead of trying to offer an answer that may not exist within conventional language, you tried to offer my original thoughts in an attempt to change someones thinking? People aren't as stubborn as everyone makes them out to be. Those that *are* that stubborn are that way due to their own faults and close mindedness.