Discovered my Mum likes her men to be 'real men'!

[joanne51]

Talking to my dear old mum (91 on Tuesday) the other day she mentioned that my brother-in-law had admitted to being effeminate.
Now my mum who has always liked to speak her mind, confessed that she likes her men to be real men!
She obviously does not know me as well a she thought. It is a bit late in her life to shatter her belief that I am 'all man'.
Trouble is I have still to come out to my partner and immediate family (I doubt if my partner would be able to keep it to herself).
My mum lives in a residential home for the elderly about 150 miles away. So it is possible to keep my 'outing' from her.
She is not likely to change now after all these years.

[Mollyanne]

Hi Joanne, It would be best to have a "sit down" with your partner as soon as possible. The longer you keep this "secret" the harder it becomes to be honest. We all have fears that if we "tell" we will be rejected , ridiculed, reviled and just plain outed to everyone. Could it happen, yes it could but for the most part it won't happen. Why would you include family members in on your lifestyle????? Your partner is the one who should be the uppermost on your TELL list. Good luck no matter what, Please keep us informed of the situation.

Molly

[abby054]

Keep your mouth shut or you will wish you had, says the voice of experience!

[Tracii G]

I know you want to tell your Mom but why?
Who benefits from this? Nobody it just causes problems.
You partner needs to know but if she has a propensity for telling things that should be confidential you are missing a thing called trust.If you don't care who knows then no problem.
That would be enough for me to walk away from that person if I could not trust them.

[CarlaWestin]

Really? She's 91. Go see her fully dressed. There's no disrespect in reminding an older person that life is never a constant that follows any rules.

[Ressie]

I'm sure my mom always knew I wasn't super masculine. Mom's know everything - usually.

[Amanda M]

Sorry Carla -you have no idea of this elderly lady's state of mind or physical condition. Have you ANY ides how she might be hurt. A slow approach here is best. Joanne - I suggest you sound her out verbally over the next couple of months, and take it from there. After all, at this stage in her life does she really have to face up to this issue.

Joanne, I wish you and your Mum a happy ending.

Big Hug.

Amanda

[Teresa]

Joanne,
This is a difficult question and one I have to seriously think about.
My mum lives in the same town she is 86 and is still very active , she still has two jobs . I felt there wasn't a need to tell her but circumstances have changed and I feel I should say something before she accidentally finds out from another source.
One of her jobs is a SA in a charity shop , she mentioned CDers buying clothes and trying them on and doesn't have a problem with that , at the same time she thinks I'm a real man. My situation is different because all my family know about my CDing .

[ReineD]

Joanne, I may be wrong but when a woman speaks of liking "real men" I think she refers to her partner-preferences, which has an element of sexual preference. I dare say that the majority of hetero women prefer partnering with men who are men, this is the definition of "hetero". This doesn't mean that women can't be friends with or otherwise enjoy the company of effeminate men, crossdressers, gay men, etc ... but some women just don't want them as partners. Another consideration is lack of understanding of what the crossdressing means. There are CDers who quite enjoy being husbands to their wives and who also enjoy expressing femininity occasionally, and so their wives do not feel as if they are in relationships with women.

If your mother is like me (I have 3 sons), I don't think she would love you less if she found out you enjoy crossdressing. She might not approve and it might take her awhile to gain an understanding of what it means to you, but you would not stop being her child.

[marlacd]

What would be the gain of telling her? Only you can answer that question.

When my father died, his mother was still alive. At the time, she was in constant care, and couldn't attend her son's funeral. She knew he was in the hospital with heart issues, and couldn't visit her. My uncle decided to take responsibility for telling her that her youngest son had died. Well, two weeks after his funeral, I went to see her. And she asked me how my dad was doing. Not wanting to yank the kitty out of the burlap, I said fine, and left it at that. After I left, I called my uncle about her not knowing. He decided that it was best that she didn't know, because it would have been too much of a shock for her. She died two months later not knowing that one of her kids went before her.

Looking back on it, it would have killed her if she knew.

[Tina_gm]

At 91, no, it is very unlikely to change her mindset. 70 years ago there were men who were more masculine than other men, just like today. Back then they were likely actors, singers, dancers, musicians, maybe accountants or lawyers. Then of course there were the more burly macho masculine men, the hard labor workers, firemen, miners, steel workers, just like today. Some women do prefer masculine over the not as masculine. There are plenty of 20 year old women today that prefer masculine men. It is just how it goes, and all we can do is respect a person's preferences and choices.

Personally at 91, why tell her? what is it going to accomplish at this point?

[Vickie_CDTV]

Most women (nearly all) prefer their men to be masculine, true today as it has ever been. I wish this wasn't true, but it is what it is.

[paintmepink]

What do you mean coming out? Why can't cross dressing just be a secret thing? Like how many times you go to the bathroom every day - you don't have to talk about it at all!

[Alice Torn]

Joanne, My dad is 95, was a cowboy part time horse trainer. My older twin brothers said i would probably be homosexual. My sister does not date, and never wanted men. But, i have been committed to never tell any of them. It would make things even worse than they are. I have told a number of women i was interested in, and they all were disapproving, and disgusted. Sometimes,it is best to leave well enough (a secret) alone, but if a relationship is growing, best to tell. But an elderly parent, no.

[Liz57]

Leave well enough alone. There's no need for her to know so what is gained?

[Shelly Preston]

I am more concerned about your partner than your Mum,

You Mum is living 150 miles away so I don't see a real reason to tell her. The fact you said your partner would not be able to keep quiet about your dressing is a bigger worry.
The question for you is "who would your partner want to discuss your crossdressing with".