question about a therapist

[Camille15]

I am thinking I might want to talk with a gender therapist, but not because I have any burning questions about who I am. I am solid in my view of where my femme self fits into my life. I love myself, and love the femme part of me that I express through CD'ing. I also love my male self and life I've built for myself, including my family, and have no desire to transition or live full-time as a woman. It's sufficient for me to let Camille "out" from time to time, and I don't feel like I have any shame associated with it, or any healing I need to do.

But one thing I'd really like to have is a GG to chat with now and then. My wife is pretty supportive, but doesn't want to meet or see pics of Camille. And I can tell that she doesn't want to talk much at length about my interest in femme things (clothes, etc). She also is uncomfortable with me going out and meeting people from this forum in-person, which I respect. But while it's nice to be able to post stories, pics and musings here, I'd love an actual GG to chat with from time to time about girl things just for fun, and to be able to share my feelings and stories with about Camille. I know this is not the primary function of a therapist. I have sought out therapy before for anxiety and depression (with great success), so I'm familiar with how therapy goes. I'm wondering though if a female therapist who deals with gender issues could or would be willing to meet with me on occasion in her office for this purpose.

I don't want to potentially offend a therapist by using her valuable time just to chat about my latest adventure or show her new pics of Camille. Any thoughts? Also, any recommendations in or near Silicon Valley / South Bay, CA?


Thanks,
Camille

[Samantha_Marie]

I was really hesitant about talking to a therapist but it was one of the best decisions for me. I never went in with the intention of finding out what was wrong with me or fixing anything. It was nice to be able to talk to someone face to face and figure out ways to make it a healthy part of life. She helped me make strides that would have never tried before out of fear.

[Teresa]

Camille,
I personally wouldn't waste a therapist's time or your money .
I understand the situation with your wife, she accepts enough to keep the marriage intact , but she must realise CDing is something you need to do, it's not a passing phase which you may grow out of.
I didn't expect my wife to accept me going out dressed to social meetings but now she realises what it means to me, I'm not gay in drab or dressed so she knows that nothing is going the occur with another guy, which is the usual problem they have.
She can see it's helped me I think it was a big eye opener to her realising I had the courage to do it, it validated my CDing. She is now more accepting of me shopping but doesn't wish to participate, it's also allowed me an area for my things.

The point I'm making is try and convince her that meeting other members of the TG community will be a safe outlet to dress as you would like. I was surprised how many GGs accompany their partners , so you will get to talk to women as well, and more importantly undrestanding ones. The venue we meet at is a hotel and conference centre so I also meet members of the public, so far I haven't had a problem. The only situation that's taking some getting use to is driving dressed the thirty or so miles on a major road and then through a couple of villages .

[Jenniferathome]

How is going out and meeting a therapist to make "girl talk" different from meeting another cross dresser? Doesn't this violate your, "She also is uncomfortable with me going out and meeting people from this forum in-person, which I respect," comment?

[raeleen]

Would your wife be ok if you attended support groups or functions designed specifically for you to meet other trans folks? I know here in Seattle we have a few groups that provide a meeting space that you can talk with others and chat a bit and build a community of like-minded individuals. You can even dress at the site and change if driving en femme is an issue. Meeting others in person is great and does help provide you with someone other than your wife to count on for support (especially if she isn't quite in a place to talk or meet Camille yet) I've got a similar situation with my wife, and she's really uncomfortable with me heading out, but is ok with me dressing in these safer spaces and building my own community. Takes some of the pressure off of her to have to be the support system.

It might be worth it just to chat with some therapists and see if you connect with any of them. You seem very confident in where you are right now with your gender identity, but I think it's always helpful to talk with others, especially a professional who is trained and might be able to connect you with other resources to support your lifestyle. They might have suggestions on how to talk further with your wife about your dressing, and could provide suggestions of groups or organizations that you could connect with. Often times they also are willing to meet to do a 'getting to know you' session and you could ask them what their thoughts are directly around your idea.

All in all, I'd say it's worth a shot to at least call and ask. Good luck, Camille! I hear a lot of your story in my life and I think therapy has been great for me!

Hugs,
Raeleen

[ReineD]

Therapists are expensive, unless you have good insurance and she alters the billing code to reflect that you have indeed received therapy?

Another alternative is a life coach, but they are also expensive. And the focus might be on ways to find people to talk to, other than paying them.

Do you have a good female friend you could come out to, who might answer any of your questions about grooming and style?

A word of warning though … most non-paid GGs (friends) who talk to you about "girly" things would be doing so out of friendship. Talking at length about makeup and clothes is not something we normally do among ourselves unless it is a short conversation … perhaps letting a friend know about a sale, or showing a friend newly acquired clothing. I showed a friend a pair of harem pants I got in Morocco, and a fabulous shirt I got there for $8, simply because we don’t see harem pants much around here and it is difficult to find a great shirt for $8. But, we were together for three hours that afternoon and this part of the conversation only lasted for less than 5 minutes! I cannot imagine spending a few hours just talking about clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc.

Granted, teenage girls who are moving from childhood to womanhood certainly are apt to focus on makeup and clothes, and this is understandable because they are moving from playing with toys to discovering the props of womanhood. But, I don’t think you want to establish a friendship with a teenage girl.

Another idea would be to find a shopping coach? Someone with whom you could discuss the suitability of things you find online (if you do not go out to shop). She would be bound to talk to you about all the clothes and the overall looks because this would be the reason she was hired. But again, this would be expensive over the long haul.

A story: in the beginning of my relationship with my SO, we did talk about grooming and clothes because like you, sharing this was new to my SO. But, over time the business of choosing clothing, choosing makeup, and actually getting ready got to be as utilitarian (a non-conversation) for my SO as it is with me, in the same way that men don’t usually discuss the clothes they wear every day or shaving among themselves.

Yes, my SO and I do show each other our new purchases (boy and girl clothes) when we do buy clothes, but again, that takes about 5 minutes out of the entire evening.

[ClosetED]

Therapists are bound by ethics to boundary issues and saying you look pretty might be considered out of line. The good part is they are bound to privacy, so are not allowed to talk about what you tell them. You can try a therapist for 3-4 sessions just to get the experience of chatting. It is a form of social anxiety disorder...
Hugs, Ellen

[sara66]

do you have a sister? If you have a good relationship with a sister they can be a great sounding board. I agree with Reine about coming out to a GG friend. I think have talked too much about cd with my gg friend, we are close enough she will let me know when to take a break.
Sara

[Katey888]

Tree. Wrong. Barking. :)

Sorry - don't mean to be blunt, but frankly, if you have money to burn on therapist fees for non-therapy chat, there are probably better ways to spend your hard-earned <possibly> cash. I don't think you'll find many GGs willing to talk much with a crossdressing, attached family man about makeup, fashion or fake boobs... :eek: Sounds more to me like that would be something you're likely to get more from a CD/TG support group, but I also suspect you might get short shrift from any transitioning folk dealing with more serious issues...

Actually, reading between the lines again, isn't this just a tactic of getting around your 'pretty' (='barely'?) supportive wife's veto on sharing pics, talking about it, and meeting other CDs in person? Reading further, isn't it actually that, or also interacting with the muggles in the real world really what you want to be doing..??? :daydreaming:

Disguising that with a trip to a gender therapist might ring alarm bells for your wife...

Why not take the therapy money and punt it into a Detroit Invasion or Diva Las Vegas thing...?? You could always say it was a residential therapeutic retreat... just more fun - and plenty of girl-talk! :D

Katey x

[docrobbysherry]

Ding! We have a winner in the "best suggestion" contest ! Katey!

U want a girl buddy, not a therapist, Camille. An experienced one will give u some of her time, but when she finds out u want idle chit chat, out u'll go!

Best chance to do what u want is, go dressed to T friendly club or a T event. I've met lots of friendly GG's at both of them. And, I'm ancient!:heehee:

And, in many cases T's make excellent substitutes for GG chat mates. Some or very with added plus of dressing experiences. Many of which you'll likely identify with!:battingeyelashes:

[Pat]

I think Katey's got your answer. ;)

On the other hand, it's a pretty rare analyst who hasn't run into a client who starts off explaining why they don't need therapy; how they already know all the answers they need, blah, blah, blah. And then talking happens. And thinking happens. And answers become more wiggly than the seemed to be before. Sometimes the instinct to seek help is correct. However -- if all you want to do is have a friend, you're taking up space that other people need. Go to the conference and spend a week with like-minded individuals.

[NicoleScott]

It would be like hiring a chef to accompany you to McDonald's for a large fries, because you just want company.

[sometimes_miss]

How is going out and meeting a therapist to make "girl talk" different from meeting another cross dresser?
I know this may come as something of a shock, but talking with a man and talking with a woman are usually very different things. As much as lots of us like to think we emulate women well, men and women communicate quite differently. Men can also be very competitive with each other, no matter what the venue or how we are dressed. So it's no wonder that someone might prefer to speak with a woman.

[Camille15]

I feel I should clarify some things:

1. I don't have infinite money to spend. I had considered billing it to insurance, though someone here pointed out that the code the therapist might use could indicate what the service was for, which I wouldn't want.

2. I'd feel more comfortable sharing with an understanding GG than a guy who CD's. I don't know why... it's just how I feel.

3. I wouldn't be looking to discuss makeup and other "girly things" at length with the therapist. I just want *someone* understanding to share my experiences and emotions with related to CD'ing. It's a lot to keep that as a secret to myself, or only share it here with anonymous folks.

4. My wife's fear is about me meeting with random folks who could hurt me. A therapist is a paid professional, so it's different. While I probably wouldn't tell her about a visit to a therapist, it wouldn't be a major violation of trust if she did find out.

All that said, I feel like I'm getting a lot of negative feedback on this thread. Message received from all of those folks who think I'm barking up the wrong tree. I'd prefer to leave the thread here unless you have something different to say besides echoing the already well expressed sentiments.

Camille

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'd feel more comfortable sharing with an understanding GG than a guy who CD's.
I wouldn't be looking to discuss makeup and other "girly things" at length with the therapist.

I totally understand why you'd like a gg friend to discuss things a la femme. It's your femme side wanting a female friend, that's all- perfectly understandable.

I'd encourage you to find a therapist familiar with transgender issues. You're content in many ways, but a few sessions with someone who really understands what you're dealing with has to be good for your own clarification, and perhaps to give you extra skills to address your wife's remaining uncertainties. Nobody says you have to spend years and thousands on unpicking yourself.

[Helen_Highwater]

Camille,
I personally wouldn't waste a therapist's time or your money .

The point I'm making is try and convince her that meeting other members of the TG community will be a safe outlet to dress as you would like. I was surprised how many GGs accompany their partners , so you will get to talk to women as well, and more importantly undrestanding ones. The venue we meet at is a hotel and conference centre so I also meet members of the public, so far I haven't had a problem. The only situation that's taking some getting use to is driving dressed the thirty or so miles on a major road and then through a couple of villages .

Camille,

I would echo Teresa's advice. Going to a group support meeting is going to tick all the boxes you've written about. There is almost certainly going to be GG's there to talk to and depending upon the venue, as Teresa says, the opportunity to interact with vanilla folk. If you can get your SO to go to I think she will be pleasantly surprised. It's cordial, accepting and once you get over the initial apprehension, 3-5 minutes, it's just such a comfortable atmosphere to be in. I've chatted to as many GG's as CD's at group meetings.

If you go to a therapist you'll be wasting you money and her time. She'll be analyzing your every statement and I'll lay money she'll ask, "What drew you to come to talk to me". It's what they're trained to do.

[Teresa]

Camille,
Just to add to the point you raise about talking to GGs , we sometimes have stalls at our venue selling wigs, clothes and makeup. I chatted to the girl on the wig stand for some time on another occasion the lady on the clothes stall gave me some advice about wearing a strapless dress, she even offered to to make some straps if I really couldn't wear the dress. What more interaction could you get ? No one is ever rude, it's a safe environment, we can relax have a bar snack and try not to drink too much.

I hope it's giving you encouragement and not a negative attitude. No one can stop you seeing a therapist if that's what you want but if you're strapped for cash do think what you are going to achieve for your money.