Is it right to as ask her ?

[Teresa]

I feel I've got to the point now where I'm not too concerned who knows about my CDing, some of you may feel the same way but it's not strictly true I could list a few but that I'd prefer not knowing but I know I can deal with it now , besides some of them live in my village and now I go out of the drive dressed at some point they are going to see me .

The point of this thread is I told my wife it didn't matter to me who she told if it helped her deal with it. We were having a conversation about CDing issues and I nearly asked her who has she spoken to ? If she has spoken to people and it helped then is it fair to ask her , I'm expecting her to give up a confidence and possibly the support of a member of the family or a close friend.

Besides why do I need to know , if they said something to criticise me it puts her in a difficult situation. I know at times she is confused and frustrated by it, her friends think we are a good couple and think I'm a lovely person, her family have respect for me because I've been hard working and tried to do my best for my family, she really has no argument with any of that because she knows it's true. I think if it wasn't she would have wanted a separation , she is trying to find a space for my Cding and I do accept it's not easy for her.

So I guess it's right I don't ask her who knows, I will have her to leave her to tell me if she has a need to .

[ClosetED]

How will knowing benefit you? If people you meet know, but you can't tell, then why add that knowledge?
Possibly you might ask, "if you have told anyone, did that make you feel better?, if you don't want to answer, that's OK"

Hugs, Ellen

[Teresa]

Ellen,
I tell people I dress and possibly show them a picture if they have no objections, yes it helps me to become totally comfortable with myself .

The point is if my wife has spoken to people it is to help her , not me . So is it right I pry into that ?

[Roberta Lynn]

Hi Teresa,

I think you shoud let it be . If she wants to tell you she talked to someone let it be up to her.
The problem is if you find out that she talked to someone.
Your next question, at least in your mind, will be how did they react?
So you either will be stuck with more questions or you push her to find out.
Probably much more than your wife wants to talk about.

[AllieSF]

Actually, I think that you can ask her if she has told anyone and who. A lot of people here say to be open with the SO, that not telling about this side of life is lying to them, etc. Why should she hide it? You ask an honest question, and a valid one in my opinion, and you should expect fair play and an honest answer. If she says that she does not want to tell you, then ask her why. She may have a good reason and owes it to you to explain. I would not press the issue unless you have your own valid reasons for wanting to know.

[CarlaWestin]

In the days after I disclosed to my Wife she exclaimed that she couldn't even talk to anyone about it. I just don't feel that shame anymore and I often wonder who she's disclosed to.
Wait, we were supposed to be doing an occasional joint session with her therapist but, that only happened one time. I remember that she said that I performed magic with money. I was so pissed afterwards that my financial prowess had been reduced to some low ball sleight of hand nonsense. I do seem to get a funny vibe from her friend next door but, I don't give a rat's patoot about that.
Teresa, don't worry about it.

[Rachelakld]

I'm sure she will tell you when she wants.
I've only been 10 years with my current wife and she hasn't told anyone and is very unlikely to change that

[JenniferMBlack]

My girlfriend had told me she talked to her sister and showed her a picture at least one. I asked my girlfriend if she had told anyone else because I was curious, she then told me she had told her nieces who I also know. I don't know how much she told any of them but Noone acted any different towards me. If any thing they have been more friendly towards me her sister and I talked for like an hour last weekend when we were at her house.

[Molly James]

Although we are all different as human beings, most of us as CDs will have our own fair share of guilt, shame & insecurity so having one more question such as this to chew over or to eat away at us isn't going to help us. I constantly feel guilt at turning my wife's world & perception of the man she married upside down and knowing that her inability to deal with it isn't helped by the fact she doesn't want to talk about it which I'm sure extends to feeling isolated because she doesn't want to open Pandora's box to a friend or family member. Some things are best left alone - if your wife wants to talk to someone else about it then it is her choice to then talk to you about it but I appreciate the case put forward by Allie.

Molly.

[phili]

Hi Ellen,
Telling people is the way we keep things from being a secret- and sexual secrets are damaging, so this is a GOOD thing. The good side of not knowing who exactly she talked to is that the whole idea of telling anyone, is that it is not a secret anymore, since you can be sure each person will tell more people, but the basic outline is that if your wife feels ok sharing then they will support her doing that, and when they tell more people they will all agree that this really isn't a bad thing that will compromise their relationshiop with you or her, and generally you don't have to be anxious about it anymore.

So far, she told people, she survived, that means that she is going to be ok and for many women the fear and shame and danger of ANYONE KNOWING is too great, which then prevents any kind of normal relationship with their crossdressing SO.

They will wonder and be curious, and she may feel a bit on the spot if people start asking personal questions, so on your side you can't let this be a secret shame, but as something manageable between you in a comfortable way. In real life it really isn't damaging,- it is just that being counterculture it offers opportunities for people to pick at you if you let them. So let her manage the information flow to her support system and focus on not letting this part of your life interfere with the many ways you are her wonderful husband!

Keep calm and be a great husband who happens to be a crossdresser- 'yea- it's a bit weird to see him dressed up, but he's a great husband- hey- the things spouses are challenged to put up with! *twinkle

[ClosetED]

So, since you openly share with other, then knowing who is aware does not seem to be the issue. Unless you show it to acquaintances but not family? Or you want to know if she got positive or negative feedback? Or her reaction to that feedback. So do you need to know WHO she told, or more of her reaction to the response of the person? If you ask only about her reactions to the event, then she does not have to give away any confidence.
Does that make sense?
Hugs, Ellen

[Sara Jessica]

As time goes by and with our experiences, feelings and communication with others, we cannot help but to grow. We become more comfortable with ourselves and expand our own boundaries. Teresa, you are a perfect example of this. Think of where you are now compared with not-all-that-long ago.

Our SO's on the other hand, they deal with an internal conflict and often choose to suffer in silence for a number of reasons. Shame, I suspect, is a major reason. How will others perceive them given that their chosen mate would be perceived by most as being so flawed from a masculinity standpoint? It unfortunately, in their own minds, reflects on their ability to choose a mate. As such, staying in this holding pattern creates a situation where her POV is not likely to evolve nearly as yours has, if at all.

It makes sense to us that our SO can and perhaps should confide in someone trusted. However, your evolved comfort level doesn't translate to her. Best not to be cavalier about not caring who knows or finds out. It is likely that she still cares a great deal.

[Teresa]

Sara,
I have to agree with you, on your comments I understand how she must feel.

I will add that the people I know she has spoken to , my daughter is very supportive and I know they have had heated discussions about me, I've asked my daughter to ease off because I don't want her to be caught in the middle.
When I first started going out my daughter in law told my wife she wouldn't accept the situation, I'm just grateful she accepts me and it hasn't caused a problem with the grandsons.
When I first came out twenty years ago my wife went straight to her sister and told her, I'm really not sure what she makes of it. On one occasion she said I needed to get out of the house more, I replied that the problem was in my head and not in the house so it goes with me, I think she feels it's something that can be cured .

Allie,
I still don't think it's fair to demand an answer, if she gets some comfort in kind words from someone that's fine, if she gets a harsher reply no doubt she will pass it on to me one way or another, that's how most women work !

[AllieSF]

Teresa,

I really did not mean demand. But I believe that a person has the right to ask anything and everything, at least once. That is assuming that the questions are the decent, needing or wanting an answer type of questions. I would not demand an answer. If she declined, then I would nicely ask, "why not", out of curiosity and to better understand what might be her side of the question and desire not to answer it. I think someone in that situation should know who else knows so that some thought can be given on how to mitigate and even avoid unnecessary situations and confrontations and not to be blind sided. You would not necessarily need to know what was said. But knowing how the third party reacted is good to know and may lead to deeper conversation wit the SO.

So many times here, I see the CD acquiesce to every SO demand, order or refusal to discuss the CD issue, the elephant in the room. That is just plane wrong. The CD should have the right to ask, and in most instances, the SO should have the obligation to answer as best possible. Now, if a DADT situation has been established then the terms of that situation may prevent asking a specific type of question.

Those types of DADT arrangements would never work for me. Certain issues need to be talked about, even if only on a periodic basis. As most can see on this site, lack of communication is one of the biggest factors to lack of understanding, acceptance, tolerance, frustrations and even eventual relationship endings. So, I have always been a strong proponent for ongoing and open communication. Putting limits on that most often leads to future issues much more serious than just crossdressing.

[PaulaQ]

You have every right to ask her. It's your identity.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I feel I've got to the point now where I'm not too concerned who knows about my CDing

And that sounds like solid progress. Well done Teresa.

[Teresa]

Allie,
Sorry I chose the wrong word demand isn't correct.

I agree with you on the point of lack of communication , I would openly talk but my wife won't . Occasionally I get an outburst from her or a sarcastic comment, those few odd moments of sensible talking just about holds it all together. I don't know which I prefer , the outburst or the stony silence on my CDing situation. You need to talk so do I but most of the time I just bypass my wife and carry on , all I can assume is that's how she wants it .

Paula,
I appreciate your comment and it's totally correct but she has rights as well which I'm trying to respect, I hope she sees it the same way.

I realise it's my identity, I'm more or less happy with it now, I'm comfortable with it despite what she may discuss with others, if it makes her happy and more accepting then perhaps I shouldn't interfere and question it .