My 7yr Old is Feeling Conflicted

[Scarlett Viktoria]

When I came home from work last night my wife told me about a conversation she had with my 7yr old son. It seems like he's a little conflicted. He wants to play with dolls and wear nightgowns. This isn't new, he's brought it up before. We've always told him it's ok to play with dolls and we even told him we'd get him a nightgown before (we just kind of forgot to get it). But last night he brought it up again and it sounds like he's afraid of what people will think and doesn't know if it's right. It sounds like there are some deeper issues of him trying to figure out who he is. He broke down and cried. I think my wife handled it very well. She sat down with him and our 4yr old daughter and had a very loving conversation about how we'd accept him no matter what and we'd never make fun of him (one of his concerns). She also took it as an opportunity to talk to our 4yr old about accepting everybody no matter their differences. Our daughter was so sweet. She tried to help comfort him and offered to let him snuggle her rainbow colored blanket and Sophia doll (which he did for a while). Anyway, I'm going to ask him today if he wants to go get a nightgown. But he hasn't talked to me about any of this, only his mom. Some of my concerns are, I obviously want to supposrt him, but how do I know at this age if it's a phase, if he just wants to crossdress, if he really thinks he's a girl inside, etc. He's very concerned about people making fun of him which my wife assured him that no one in this family would ever do that but some people will always find something to make fun of you for. I've only come out to a few people myself (including my wife) about my crossdressing. I don't know if or when I should bring it up to him. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite telling him not to worry about what other people say while I hide in the closet. Or, do I tell him it's ok to dress only at home if that's something he wants to do and keep it a secret until he's ready to tell other people? Sorry this is sort of jumbled. I hope it makes sense. We love our little dude. He's very sensitive and we want to make sure he'e happy, well adjusted and prepared to handle this stuff in the real world now and when he's older if it's something he chooses to continue doing.

[mykell]

hi scarlett,
since they are young i would take baby steps with any decisions, time will tell, dont feel like a hypocrite just yet either,

what i do suggest is seeking out a support group for you and the mrs.,
i use pflag

http://www.pflagatl.org/

they can help find the resources your yung-un will need as time goes, they can provide trans friendly sources for support and professional advice.
hope this helps....in the meantime making someone special feel good, what harm could that do. let him sleep in a nightie.

[Amy Fakley]

Look at it this way: there is probably no parent in the entire world more qualified to handle this situation than you!
You are where you are for a purpose :-)

It's a tough situation, for sure. Seeking guidance from a councellor would be right at the top of my list if one of my kids was showing similar signs of stress over their gender (one who knows what they're talking about when it comes to trans stuff, obviously).

All I can tell you is what I'd do in that situation, which would be to make sure my kid knows that it's ok to be themselves, an that it's ok to question and to experiment, and to find what makes them happy.

If you live in an area where his peer group is likely to be judgemental, you may unfortunately also need to have a conversation about the realities of that. Hiding in closets sucks, but then he's only 7 ... maybe put it to him like some things are "need to know" ...if your friends are gonna be nasty to you about it, they don't need to know ...

Aw heck I dunno ... that might be a minefield too. I'd head straight to a councellor, and get a professional opinion before I opened that can o' worms actualy.

[BillieAnneJean]

Yes this may be a phase. Yes this may be more than a phase. He may be a CDer (genetic predisposition anybody?), or he may just be experimenting. But whatever he is, that's what he will be. And I think you and your SO are handling it admirably. You are facilitating at the minimum amount. That way you are neither hindering nor encouraging him. You are not, in wild enthusiasm, pulling him along to a destination he may not really be destined to reach. Perhaps revealing your CDing would best be delayed for a few years until his path is well defined. You are also not causing him to become more persistent by denying his desires.
He needs to learn the risks of divulging to his peers. Hey everyone has secrets.
If he mentions the nightgown again, act nonchallant about it. "Yeh OK we can get one for ya." Don't spend a lot of money on it. Keep it low key.
Let us know now and then how it is going.

[NewBrendaLee]

I believe that you and your wife handled this very well. When I was that age I wanted to play with dolls and wear girl clothes .I say let him do so and tell him when he is ready he can tell others.

[suzanne]

I truly believe he needs to know about your crossdressing. Among other things, it will reinforce that home with the family is a safe place. Most importantly it shows him that you REALLY understand him and that he can trust you. It's one thing to tell him he's loved and respected, but some dads don't say or show it enough to make their kids really feel it. You'll need that when he gets into his teen years.

First, have a talk with your wife. She may feel that your son learned to crossdress from you and resents it.

[ClosetED]

It is not clear how much of this is wanting to emulate his father, typical for a son. Has he heard his parents talking about this? Or is this a sign of genetic connection of crossdressing? Most 7 yr old boys don't know about 'nightgowns', so maybe a long nightshirt may suffice. For dolls, he may be OK with a mixture of male and female dolls. Take him shopping and start with the androgynous stuff and see what the reaction is. Ask him why if choices are not acceptable.

I agree that your wife may feel your crossdressing has changed his environment and caused this, so you may have to work hard to consider that.

Hugs, Ellen

[Tracii G]

If he has hinted to this in the past it might be more than a phase but who knows for sure.
Trans talk is everywhere on the news and he could be picking it up off the TV if he is a TV watching kind of kid.
I would say you are the perfect parents for him and will give him/her all support and love you can.
Keep us posted on how you handle it.
Perhaps start a blog about this or a diary just to document things and you never know it could turn into a book that helps someone in the future.

[arbon]

Some of my concerns are, I obviously want to supposrt him, but how do I know at this age if it's a phase, if he just wants to crossdress, if he really thinks he's a girl inside, etc.

You let him lead, and in time the answer will be clear which it is.

[Jenniferathome]

You should ask him if he would like to talk to someone who is not his parent, like a therapist. Child counselors are really good about letting kids talk out issues without the child feeling "weird" like they might in front of a parent.

[docrobbysherry]

As a parent of 2 grown girls, I think u may be making a mistake, Scarlett. You're over thinking this and making a too big a deal out of the "nitegown". Take him shopping? That mite be extremely embarrassing for him!:doh:

Just buy him a girlie one. Whatever u get him will be fine. I also suggest u buy some plain girl's clothing. T shirts, jeans, shorts, etc. Don't make them an issue, tho. Just place them in his dresser and say they r his to do with as he likes. My guess is, in a few months he and u will be better able to read the writing on the wall!:battingeyelashes:

[Scarlett Viktoria]

Thank you for the support so far everyone! While we were fishing this morning he asked me what we were going to do afterwards. I said if he wanted we could go look at nightgowns. He said yes. Then he said no he wanted to wait. Then he said yes, then no. I told him it's fine and we wouldn't make fun of him. I said we could at leadt buy one and have it at home. That way if he wants to wear it, it's there and he can and if not it's no big deal. So we went and got him one and he's pretty excited. He wants to wear it all day, lol.

So, to answer some of the questions/comments; he doesn't know I crossdress and he has not heard my wife and I talking about it. He knows about nightgowns because he has a 4yr old sister who wears them a lot. He commented about how comfy they look (and maybe that's all it is, lol, who knows). He has opportunities to play with her dolls and we have in the past bought him a couple things (not really anything like a Barbie though, but he does have access to lots of those). I have considered the therapist option. I feel like it might still be a little too early in the game for that. I want us to be able to work through this ourselves for awhile and get a better handle about his thoughts and feelings. But it is something to consider. Last, I don't believe he's picked it up from TV. Anyway, thanks everyone! I'll keep you updated.

[daviolin]

Scarlett, I wish you and your wife the best on this situation. I'm sure you will handle it right in the end. I pray all is well with your son. He sounds like a cool kid that just knows what he wants. Daviolin

[Pat]

I think you handled it perfectly. Get the nightgown; leave the rest to him. You don't really have to worry about the next step -- he'll tell you what that is. I think the most important thing is that you speak to hm about it as his Dad and let him know it's not a big deal. Let him know the adult male doesn't see an issue and, as you have done, reassure him that he's always your beloved kid; you're always his Dad and nothing can change that. That gives him a stable platform to explore from. ;)

[Rhonda Jean]

My opinion...

I don't think this is even close to making a psychologist visit advisable. I think that sometimes boys think that in order to do some things that are considered feminine, they have to be girls. I feel strongly that he should know that virtually anything that it's OK for a girl to do is OK for him to do. I think it's hard to find the line between allowing/accepting and encouraging. I'd say quit getting his hair cut. Let him know that you'll take him to get it cut whenever he wants or he can let it grow, and he can wear it however he wants. Let him choose a doll or two of his own. Without making a big deal out of it, get him some clothes from the girls department and tell him he can wear them anytime he wants, or not. If mom is getting her nails done, she can take him and let him know it's fine if he wants his done. Get him his own jewelry and let him know he has the freedom to wear it. You get the idea. Also, let him know if he wants to keep this at home and just between the family, that's OK too.

I feel strongly that boys should feel free to explore outside gender norms. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'd make sure he knew it absolutely is not a big deal. I'd hope that he felt free to explore, and equally free not to.

[Teresa]

Scarlett,
Don't think it's passing the buck but let your wife handle it , he appears to be more comfortable with his feelings with her. I personally wouldn't bring your CDing into it , it might be a passing phase and may confuse him all the more let him think you're just dad when he wants to do boy stuff.

I know how my CDing started I was only a year older than your son , so I would suggest you give him space , don't smother him and see if his attraction to female things passes. It's hard to believe looking at your son but I was totally sexually active before 9 so he may be growing up quicker than you think. Again counselling may just confuse him , the best thing is be there for him but as we all know don't give him the impression how he feels is wrong .

[Nadine Spirit]

I recommend talking with a board certified doctor or psychologists, before you screw the kid up with your feelings and personal bias crap.

Wow.... that was pretty harsh (yeah, even I think that was pretty harsh.)

I read this post this morning, and while sitting around today recovering from the stomach flu, what kept going through my mind is the thought of - is what we do wrong? To many, it must be. Why else stay so hidden? Why else think that we can't talk to anybody? Even your son understands this. He gets that it is different enough that maybe if he expresses these thoughts others will think he is weird and different and might make fun of him.

It's sad really. Sad that he thinks that and sad that you have never shared this side of you with him. I know most people will say not to tell him anything about you. But honestly, I don't think that what we do is wrong and I think that people can make intelligent choices about their own lives, children included. And how great of him to already, even with a bit of uncertainty, come to you guys and express his desires for these gender non-conforming things. Apparently he is more willing to come to you and tell you then you are to tell him. Brave child you have there.

[Scarlett Viktoria]

Hey Virginia, how about go **** yourself. Otherwise thank you ladies for the constructive help.

[Rachelakld]

I remember my nightgown and male dolls, didn't make me weired.
I still hate sleeping with anything that tangles up with my boys.
Also - many males have low S count (including me) due to underwear, my doctor (last year) recommended ALL guys should wear skirts and no undies to ensure good healthy S.

I also never really talked to my dad about my dressing, just my mum.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Scarlett,

I haven't read of a similar thing here before, and it certainly provides food for thought. My inclination is that it might be a huge weight off his shoulders if he were to learn that you too sometimes like to wear women's clothes - I'd say that rather than 'I'm a crossdresser'. But of course you risk him mentioning it to others, and telling him in the same breath, '...but don't tell anybody' instantly tells him crossdressing is not ok.

How about suggesting to him that you have a family party where you, your wife and your daughter all wear clothes of the opposite sex? (I'd stick to a few clothes, not go the whole hog with wig and make up). That way he gets the message that crossdressing is acceptable; that his dad really is ok with it, but you don't have to out yourself. Still some risk to you, particularly if he mingles with those of a judgemental persuasion, but only you know what you can handle. Get your wife's take on this idea, perhaps she'll suggest a variation, but it does seem slightly out of sync for him not to know something so deeply relevant to him.

Good luck!

[Jazzy Jaz]

I agree that given the circumstances, he'll benefit more from you sharing this side of you with him than from you keeping this side of you from him (or her or somewhere inbetween). Also, if he is already concerned about others finding out about him, then I doubt he will be in a hurry to tell others about you. If he knows that acceptance outside of the home is not guarenteed (which he obviously does) then he is sure to understand why you may not want your secret to be shared with others, however, your acceptance and ability to relate to him with this will show him that this is not "bad", it's just misunderstood. And he'll be better able to ask you questions and you'll be better able to answer them if you are open with each other. Anyhoo, good luck and you and your family are handling it great so far!

[Rileyaz]

What if you buy all four of you nightgowns to wear? That way he can see that you will wear one also and he may not feel so weird. You also won't have to "come out" to him yet and he will see that it's ok. Just a thought.

[raeleen]

Hi Scarlett,

I want to reiterate what many have said about you and your wife handling this really well thus far. It sounds like you're really being thoughtful and listening to your son and letting them lead in terms of what they're comfortable with. Awesome!

Just to give a little context, I have a 6 year old trans daughter. She began expressing very early on to us that she felt like a girl and wanted to be a girl, and over the course of a couple years, we began to see that she definitely was along the trans spectrum. She has been very consistent in her views, and very strong in how she expresses herself, and to be quite honest, she's been a gift for us in terms of pushing me to be more honest and realistic about what I want and need and where I exist on the spectrum. My wife and I decided to tell our kids about my dressing, though it was framed very much as 'Dad has some dresses too that he wears sometimes and it's ok for people to wear what they want.' Our kids were barely fazed by it, and to be honest, almost never bring it up now. I haven't dressed in front of them, but seeing how my daughter is so clear on what she wants and how she chooses to be in the world has really pushed me to try and live my truest self. I questioned whether it was something genetic. Whether something I did pushed her one way. To be honest, and after a lot of reflection, I don't think I behaved differently with her, and really, it doesn't matter why. She is who she is, and she's amazing.

All this is just to say that for your family, only you will know what's best for you all. I would encourage that you make sure your son knows that you and your wife are always there to listen and that you accept them for however they want to be in the world. I think it's much too early to assign paths to how they will be when they grow up. They might be a crossdresser. They might be trans. It might be a phase. Who knows. And more importantly, it doesn't really matter at this point. Just be a loving parent. Listen to them. If they trust that you'll be there, they'll help guide you on what they need in the world.

Good luck, Scarlett! If I can help you any further, please feel free to message me.

Hugs,
Raeleen

[Saikotsu]

I say be open and honest with him. You are uniquely positioned to understand where he's coming from because you have similar fears and concerns it would seem. Let him experiment. If he has a warm, safe, loving environment in which he doesn't have to hide who he is, he will be able to explore and find himself.

Also, I'm really glad your family is so accepting. So many of us didn't or don't have that environment.

[Heisthebride]

To reiterate what others have said, it sounds like you and your wife are providing a caring, thoughtful and loving environment.

I don't know that you should come out and tell him you are a crossdresser but I think its an opportunity to be honest and open with him.

You could say that sometimes I like to wear a nightgown too. And I have the same concerns that you do, that some people might make fun of me. Honestly, there are some people who will make fun of you if they found out because they don't understand. That's what people do sometimes. But you're lucky. People my age are more likely not to understand and poke fun, younger people like you are growing up being much more tolerant of all sorts of people, whether they have a different religion, or different colored skin, or if they like to play with dolls and wear nightgowns. If you want to wear a nightgown, that's great, if it's what makes you happy. But next time you see someone making fun of other people for being different, maybe you could help them feel more accepted because you know what its like to be concerned about being made fun of.

[Jenniferathome]

My opinion...I don't think this is even close to making a psychologist visit advisable. ....

I couldn't disagree more. One does not see a psychologist or therapist because one is nuts nor to get "fixed." It's platform for getting difficult to discuss things out in the open. A child of 7 knows quite well what is gender normal. Even if one's parents are open and supportive, that does not mean a kid will be willing to talk. Just articulating what they are feeling is a challenge and THAT is where a therapist of some kind can help.

I'll give an example, when my youngest daughter was about 10, she began to struggle with relationships with girls her age. She couldn't/wouldn't talk to my wife or I and just struggled. We FORCED her to go to child psychologist and she promptly refused to talk for the first three sessions (the psychologist will not tell parents any of the content of the sessions unless the child is at risk of hurting themselves or others and parents have to accept this). By the fourth session, my daughter was talking. After about 10 visits, she and the psychologist both agreed no further sessions were needed. A few months later, my daughter asked to see the psychologist again. The met a few more times and then stopped completely. The point is, an objective third party can and do elicit what is difficult for the child to discuss.

[docrobbysherry]

I agree with Jenn. And, have had similar counseling experiences with my younger daughter. She wouldn't talk with me about her issues. And, no one can get word in edgewise with my ex!:straightface:
She worked thru her problems in just a few visits and they seemed to help!

My concern is that Scarlette and wife may push their son too hard and either make him feel guilty or pressured. A 3rd party with no stake in the game may be ideal if the boy will open up to him/her!

[Robin414]

Wow Scarlett, I can't help thinking you're at the right time and the right place!

My son is beginning to come out so to speak since I have at home and I seriuosly wish I weren't a late bloomer!

If I were in your shoes (and kinda wish I were) I'd definitely recommend counseling (if just to DELAY potentially dreadful puberty until your son (perhaps) daughter figures it out.

[MissTee]

I have a grandson a couple of years older and in the same situation. My daughter was at a loss on what to do and we talked at great length about it. Now, I am not out to my kids, but they at least suspect. Anyway, she took my advice and ended up keeping an open mind and neither encouraging or discouraging his propensities. He continues to occasionally put on her make up or try to fit in a dress, and he seems appreciative to being able to explore things on his own without judgement.

[Marcelle]

Hi Scarlett,

I will echo the others who have commented that I believe you and your wife are handling this well by not making a big deal about it with your son as it gives him the ability to drive the situation. However, all of us here can only speak from personal experience and unless there is a child psychologist hiding amongst the group (with gender identity training) it is only that . . . advice. IMHO the solution will not be found here . . . good place to bounce some ideas around for certain or just an emotional outlet but not a place to drive your decisions. Personally, I knew when I was young I was not wired like the other boys but different time and let's just say not a very sensitive upbringing.

So my folksy advice for you to take or leave . . . I truly like Jennifer's recommended approach and have a talk with your son and ask him if he would like to talk to someone about things. You don't have to be specific just let him know that sometimes everyone (even adults) find it nice to speak to someone else about things and then leave it up to him. If he doesn't want to talk and things just kind stabilize . . . then it was probably a phase. If he is truly conflicted (and some children know) this might be the thing he really wants to help find his way. One other word of advice . . . if you do plan to take him to a child psychologist please do your homework . . . not all children psychologists specialize in gender identity so you want someone with experience who is going to approach this with sensitivity and not just blurt out . . . so do you think you are a girl? Seriously, being in the field there are some very incompetent folks out there who do more harm than good.

My two cents.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Rhonda Jean]

I couldn't disagree more. One does not see a psychologist or therapist because one is nuts nor to get "fixed." It's platform for getting difficult to discuss things out in the open. A child of 7 knows quite well what is gender normal. Even if one's parents are open and supportive, that does not mean a kid will be willing to talk. Just articulating what they are feeling is a challenge and THAT is where a therapist of some kind can help.




Sounds like he's communicating with his mother about it.

I think that with all the trans attention these days, parent's as well as the psyc community are a little quick to think that when a boy wants to dress like a girl that he must really be a girl in a boy's body. I'm not debating that that happens. I'm saying that I think it's waaaay more likely that he just wants to dress up! Like you, Jennifer. I think he should feel totally free to wear dresses and play with makeup, etc. and wear his hair long, and this is all absolutely benign. If he's afraid of his friends finding out, I'm sure his parents will provide a safe haven.

He's just a kid who really wants to dress. Weren't we all? I say let him. If there's something more going on, there's plenty of time for psychologists. I also thing that his parents know him better than a psychologist will after only a few hours.

[kymmieLorain]

As the father of three boys, 27,21,&18. We have let them be themselves for the most part. While I think they suspect I CD none of them has said anything. They do know I paint my toes. My oldest once said, "Daddy has girly toes." All I said was So. Nothing was ever said again. Neither one of my boys has any problems with giving me or mom a hug in front of anybody. even in school.
Scarlett I suggest letting your son be himself. Make sure you let him know that you and your wife will always love him no matter what. If he wants to play with dolls. ( I played with action figures, masculine word for dolls) or wear a nightie. you are fine with it. Your son may feel it is easier to talk to your wife. I always did with my mom growing up. It goes that way, boys with their mom and girls with their dad. See what happens, time will tell. It seems that whither it is a phase he is going through or genuine CD or TG he has great parents what will be there to support him no matter what. As other said, I also so do not recommend any form of professional help at this stage. possibly at a later time. but defiantly not now.

Kymmie

[LelaK]

I don't see much sense in hiding your dressing from your own kids, esp. if the wife accepts it. Why would you not want them to know? They wouldn't have to see it, but it would surely be good for them to know about it.

[Tanya+]

I tis worth making contact or at least reading advice from The Royal Children's Hospital, Melbourne, they are all over this stuff.

http://www.rch.org.au/adolescent-medicine/gender-service/

There is a resources section.

I love the way you have been with your son. Open, no labels, accepting, no assumptions. That is his foundation of his life whatever the details.

[Scarlett Viktoria]

Just a quick update. I had forgot to mention in the past, he also has a purse and occasionally likes to have his nails painted. My wife was painting my daughter's nails a few days ago and my son wanted his fingers and toes done. Well, he went to his daycamp yesterday and of course all of the kids made fun of him. He said the night he had his nails done that he was prepared to deal with what the kids might say. But he ended up sitting by himself most of the day crying. I was at work when he told my wife about it but she asked him if having his nails painted made him happy. He said yes and she told him that's all that matters. According to her, he seemed to be fine while at home. He kept his nail painted and went back to face a new day today. It hurt me a lot to hear this and that my son felt so alone yesterday. Of course I wanted to go to his daycamp and tell all the kids what a-holes they are, but instead, after getting home from work, I went upstairs, got some nail polish and painted my nails. I surprised him the morning when I woke him up and told him to tell everyone his dad has painted nails too. I drove him to camp hoping everyone there saw my nails. Of course no one did, but I'd like to think I provided some sort of comfort to my son. He wasn't nervous going in today and I won't know how it went until I pick him up.

Guess that update wasn't so quick, lol.

[Amy Fakley]

Wow! I just have to say I am super impressed with how you and your family are handling this.

We've got a legitimate world's greatest dad right here, folks! :-)

[Tina81]

google "gender creative kids" and there is also a gender creative blog.
In any case, it's important to love these kids to pieces!

[Scarlett Viktoria]

Thank you Amy. I'm sure I would dissagree with you, lol, but thanks hun! So my son said some of the kids were being mean to him again and they said he couldn't play with them until he washed off the nail polish. But when I was taking to him in the car he seemed more worried that the polish was chipping, and had my wife redo them, lol. Anyway, I dropped him off again this morning and one of his counselors was so excited to show him that she had painted her nails with the exact same colors and pattern my son did (alternating pink and purple). He was pretty happy to see that. His mood has been very good these past few days at home so I'm glad he's being strong about this.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I am certainly no expert, but my thinking is a problem does not exist until someone says it is a problem.

I guess what I am saying is that is why children are so accepting of others being different because they don't know any better. It is only when so called societal norms get involve that someone feels guilty about who they are as a person. Use your common sense and your own understanding to deal with your son, it sounds like both you and your wife are perfect for the task.

[Rhonda Jean]

I think y'all are handling it well. I hate that he's been bullied about it, but the fact that he hasn't given in is a strong statement. I remember my one experience at day camp when I was his age. I was made fun of by a couple of counselors, but not the kids (as I remember). My things was my hair. After a few days they shut up about it, but it was a pretty scary few days for a little kid in an unfamiliar environment.

I'm guessing in a day camp situation that this isn't a group of kids that already know each other. The nail polish thing is new to him as well as the others. The new will wear off, if he just keeps wearing it. After a while it won't attract so much attention and he and everybody else will just get used to it.

I think y'all are showing him that you have his back. You'll probably encounter people who think you're being too permissive. I don't see it as permissive at all. You'll run up against a lot of things you won't allow. Things that actually matter. I fail to see that that there's anything at all wrong about him carrying a purse and wearing nail polish. I think you're showing him that you'll stick up for him when it's right, regardless of what others think, just like you may deny other things regardless of what others think.

In my obviously skewed opinion, I think it's a good thing when a boy bucks the gender binary. Next month or next year or ten years from now he may not do it anymore, but he'll be a better person for having done it now.