Question from therapist.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I agreed to see whatever counselor my wife selected.

The first time we went together. Due to circumstances I went alone twice.

The first time alone, I took the opportunity to show the therapist some recent pictures of me en femme, and I discussed my crossdressing.

The second time alone, I took the opportunity to go to therapy dressed (except for makeup, because I didn't have time before the session).

Even though the therapist doesn't really have any transgender experience, I thought both sessions went well. I presented comfortably in both male modee and female mode.

She did ask a couple of questions that I had trouble answering.

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.

I said I would dress more than I do now, but I wouldn't dress full time. Now I go out in public two to three times a month. If I was retired and living alone, I think I would dress almost every night, and I would go out as a girl about half the time.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.

I told her that I felt like a girl. [But maybe that was just wishful thinking.]

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.

My answer was that I thought I was the only man in the world that got excited by wearing lingerie. At the time we got married, I didn't really know what crossdressing was, nor how far it would go. I had a small stash of girl lingerie that I used for arousal, if you catch my drift. I thought that once I got married, I wouldn't need an alternate means of arousal. I think many of you will understand my reason.

I didn't answer that one (yet). We have DADT relationship, with some agreed upon boundaries. My wife knows that I go out dressed. But, she has never seen me dressed, nor does she want to. She also has never seen any pictures of me dressed, nor seen any of my clothes, except maybe for a bra or two that I inadvertently left around. She doesn't even know my girl name.

How would you answer these questions, and why would you answer them that way.

[Nikki.]

1 is kind of a funky question. How would you know unless you test drive full time for a while, unless you're TS and feel like you're really a woman? I guess my response would be maybe, not sure, open to the possibility that I might want to. My guess is she's trying to qualify if you might be TS.

2. So far I feel like a guy, but I think it's possibly because I surpressed it for 25 years and still have subconscious hangups about being TG. So maybe with more experience en femme my thoughts about how I feel or identify when dressed will evolve.

3. Sure. Full disclosure is best.

4. N/A. I did.

[Nadine Spirit]

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.
No. I currently present a mixed gender image full time and that is what I really see myself as. Living full time as a female is not an interest of mine.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.
What I am wearing does not change who I see myself as. I see my gender as a mix between the two regardless of what I am wearing.


3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.
Yes. My wife knows as much about me as another person can.


4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.
My wife has always known, as soon as I wanted to put on that first pair of underwear.

[Mykaa]

Well Steffi I cant say Id answer any of those much different than you, I have at this point never been out en femme, but I have worn heels out, if cowgirl boots with 3 1/2 inch counts, I do wear jeans and nice shirts out. If I meet a girl I will tell before it gets serious if it goes that far. As of right now Im single and have been for years.

[Amanda M]

As a therapist myself, I can only say - truthfully. What anybody else on here thinks is irrelevant. It's YOUR therapy!

[Teresa]

Seffi,
To answer question 1 I would say yes I would go full time , that was my intention if I had separated from my wife, i was carefully planning how to build my life around it.

2 I feel like me, more comfortable dressed and happier, I don't feel I've changed gender it's just how I prefer to look.

3 That's a tough one if your wife doesn't want to see you dressed, but that's not problem because now I go out to social meetings obviously other people have seen me.

4. there's so many aspects of this question, I had GFs who accepted so naively I thought it wouldn't be a problem when I married. may be I did think it would go away once I married.

[Rachelakld]

1. yes, probably 3 times a week
2. girl
3. yes
4. did, even played dressup :)

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I know you're seeking comparisons to help form your responses, but surely the answer is obvious: you answer all the questions with 100% honesty. Anything less is a waste of everyone's time and of your money. If you're unable to answer the question because you genuinely don't know the answer, then that is precisely where the therapist can help you, by getting you to explore your feelings. It can be scary stuff- you may cry, you may feel lost, you may question yourself more deeply than ever before- but how else are we to grow?

Much depends on the chemistry between you and your therapist, and if you don't feel you're making progress with this one, find another, and another. The right one can transform your life.

Hugs, Nikki

[Mollyanne]

How each of us responds REALLY has no bearing on how you feel about yourself. Your opinions, feeling, wants and desires are yours alone.

Why did your wife choose to see a therapist in the first place?????? Was it because of your X-Dressing or for other reasons??????

Molly

[LaurenS]

As a therapist myself, I can only say - truthfully. What anybody else on here thinks is irrelevant. It's YOUR therapy!

Good point.

As a therapist, what do you think about question #4? What is the purpose? Seems like a horse/barn thing to me.

[Meghan4now]

I like the questions. They are good things to consider, and it sounds like asked the right way. I would think that they would be good discussion points with your wife.

However, getting your wife to ask these questions from a non defensive position can be tricky. Your bringing them up to her could feel forced. If your wife is willing to meet the counselor again, the couselor could bring them up in a less cofrontational way. This could lead to an opportunity for you to disclose your self more fully with less chance of the conversation getting out of hand.

If your wife is like mine, you know when something is bothering her, but she may just stonewall you out. Discussion about the issues then becomes badgering, and can make matters worse.

[Anne K]

As a therapist myself, I can only say - truthfully. What anybody else on here thinks is irrelevant. It's YOUR therapy!

Excellent answer, Amanda. My wife is a therapist and is completely on board. One of her favorite sayings is,"There's a million ways to to live our lives."

[ClosetED]

I would say I am in a similar situation as you Steffi.
1. I would dress most days at home and go out once a week.
2. I am only me and don't know what a girl's thoughts are different. (Whole thread on that). I do feel feminine and pretty, which may be better adjectives she was trying to ask. A man in a dress, IMHO, does not feel he transformed enough to be fully satisfied.
3. Yes. Wife and I both saw same LICSW for a while and I showed him pictures. He told her that I would not be recognizable based on pictures of Ellen. I hoped her hearing that would reduce her fears on my posting to this site. She thinks police are going to arrest me for doing so, since she equates this to pedophiles that police lurk on sites to catch.
4. Generally same answer-falling in love is one of the best ways to strongly suppress CDing urge, but no one can maintain that for many years of life changes. During residency, I was set up on blind date by a mutual friend. He knew this woman who had only female lovers so far and wanted to try to be hetero, and I was apparently the exact look she desired in a man. He knew nothing of my CDing and did not tell me what she hoped to achieve. When she told me her secret, I told her mine. She had been abused as a child and could not stand penetration. To help her try to achieve her desire, I acted the man she hoped for, but being hetero, attempted coitus with no luck. I had hoped she would turn me into a feminine lover and dress me, but never did. She ended it and left me for another woman. I bit off topic, but I would have told a person who was more open-my wife is not very open-minded. She refuses to learn about CDing.

Hugs, Ellen

[Sarah Louise]

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.

I think I would dress more often, but would still mostly dress in drab.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.

I don't feel like a girl or a man in a dress. I just like getting dressed as a girl and looking as feminine as possible.

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.

I doubt I'll ever see a therapist, but if I did, I wouldn't be worried about this.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.

Because, I thought it was something I'd grown out of. It was nearly 20 years before the desire came back.

[Maria_mtf]

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.

No because I like being a man and spending most of my time that way. Kind of makes it more of a treat when I do dress.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.
I don't know what feeling like a girl would feel like. But I do feel girly when dressed.

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.

I have no pictures of me dressed so this probably wouldn't have happened to me, but it would not be a problem telling my wife.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.
I did because of the wise words on this forum. Still waited 5 years though, why? Fear of being rejected, laughed at, dumped.

[Tina81]

Steffi,
Gosh, same answers as yours except I don't go out. I haven't fully tried make up and need a good wig and even then I'm not sure I'd go out except maybe to the local support group meeting.
Wife know and is indifferent. Her reaction, "It's only clothes and if it makes you feel good then it's alright. She worries about other finding out."

Glad I have all of you here.

Tina

[sometimes_miss]

Even though the therapist doesn't really have any transgender experience, I thought both sessions went well.
This could be a problem. Your therapist will be using you 'to learn on'.
One problem I ran into, was that at the beginning of the sessions, our therapist made it clear that there would be no secrets between husbands and wives. Yet, many weeks down the line, she wouldn't tell me what she was discussing with my wife, claiming doctor patient confidentiality. As I was essentially now running blind, when things kept doing downhill, and my wife becoming more and more distant, the therapist told me that if I didn't do something, my marriage was going to be over. So I said fine, what should I do? I'll do it. Whatever it takes. Her answer? 'I don't know'. So if your therapy starts to sink you, consider looking for another therapist.

Now then:

1. Full time, no. Most of the time, yes.

2. I don't know what being a girl feels like, as I've never been one. I feel like me. Like I'm supposed to be wearing a dress. But I communicate like a guy (direct speech rather than indirect), think like a guy (I'm not primarily relationship oriented, can go for long extended periods alone just fine, don't have any trouble with friendships where I don't see the other person for years or decades at a time but when we do meet, it's as if everything is just the same), and see the world as a guy (job is primary, not relationship, focused on things and problems, not people), even though in the back of my mind, there's this constant little reminder that maybe I was supposed to be a girl.

3. Yes, though by the time we saw our therapist, she had already seen me dressed as a girl.

4. I thought I was over it. I hadn't dressed up in years, so I thought I had beaten it. I didn't see the need to tell her something that didn't have any bearing on our future together. There was no way for me to know that I was wrong.

[Deliah]

#2 is an intriguing question for me. I feel very feminine when dressed but I'm pretty sure that if I or a loved one was suddenly confronted with danger that my male hunter/protector would be the first responder even when dressed.

[Katey888]

Steffi, your therapist may not have specialist TG experience, but she's asked some cleverly revealing questions... so seems like you at least have found a sensible one... :)

1. No - not full time... Not even half time... maybe once or twice a month, maybe less at times...

2. This is the most interesting question for me - and has probably been done to death a few times before here, but never to an acceptable conclusion for me... because what is it like to really feel male or female (or something else)? For me, dressing is a graphic and physical way for me to grant myself permission to behave as I perceive a female may behave: in mannerisms, posture, expression, dress (obviously) - and if that is 'feeling like a girl' - then yes. And it's definitely more than just feeling 'girly' or a feminine man... it's an outlet for something that is otherwise repressed by societal gender expectations of 'normal' males.

3. N/A

4. <Yawn> This has been a minority occupation for me compared with the rest of my life... I also am from a generation where this condition is misunderstood, taboo and may have had significant, negative impacts on career and family... Also similar to a way that I don't bore my wife with talking motorcycles or Sci-Fi novels, if it can be managed to not have a detrimental impact on normal life, it stays under wraps... :)

Katey x

[Eryn]

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.
Well, my current answer is that I dress full time and it didn't take retirement or living alone.
If you had asked me five years ago I would probably have said that I didn't know. That is a valid answer.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.
I don't know what a girl feels like. For that matter I don't know what a man feels like. I feel like me, and I am more comfortable in female mode.

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.
You're both in therapy with the same person so it is difficult for her to keep track of which things to tell and which not to tell. I have no problem showing people the female me as I am not ashamed of it. I spent far too long being ashamed.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.
That one is easy. I didn't know that I was TG. I knew that I had an interest in female things, but I thought that it was an interest in women. The concept didn't really gel until we were 20 years along in our marriage.

Reading between the lines, it seems that this inexperienced therapist might consider being TG and married mutually exclusive. In your shoes, I'd seek out a therapist with experience with TG people who might give better informed advice.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Thanks for all your answers and advice.

I'm not looking to game the system, but I'm not really sure of the answers that I gave.

A number of you commented on the choice of therapists. I've seen several over the past 9 years, and all of them had some or a lot of LGBT experience. I am finally happy where I am with what I am, but my wife is still conflicted. I told my wife that I would join her with any therapist she selected. I've always had the home field advantage, and I decided to give up the home field advantage with the hope of moving my wife from (barely) tolerant to (at least) accepting for the purpose of improving our happiness as we transition to retirement.

[Angie G]

#1 I think I would dress full time.
#2 When dressed I do feel like a girl.
#3 Yes.
#4 I thought she would freak out.:hugs:
Angie

[marlacd]

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.

Perhaps at third of the time. It's hard to say, because I have other things I had to do in mind.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.

I'd feel like me. I can feel fem, but I'm still a guy.

I'd have to pass on 3.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.

Since I too thought I'd stop because I was married, I didn't consider it to be worth mentioning. Since my then wife proclaimed that she wouldn't allow herself to get fat, (before we married) then I was sure that I wasn't going to revert back to dressing. Also, I never knew that there was so many out there. With little written information on the subject, there was some assumptions made on my part about it.

[AmyGaleRT]

I'll answer these questions using "my fiancee" in place of "my wife," since we're still not married...

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.

Without question. Under those circumstances, I would have no reason to be anything but Amy.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.

When presenting as Amy, I am a woman, without question. I've begun trying to remind myself of this at times when I'm presenting ostensibly-male as well.

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.

Sure; my fiancee sees me dressed all the time. She thinks I make a better-looking woman than she does. :)

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.

I explicitly did tell her...and her response made me wish I hadn't waited as long as I did to tell her. I got very, very lucky with her. :)

- Amy

[StacyCD]

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.

Without a doubt, there would be a lot more Stacy time!

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.

When presenting as Stacy, I am a woman.

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.

Sure; my wife sees me dressed all the time.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.

I couldn't tell her about something I didn't understand. If I knew what I know now back then, I would have told her.

[Andrea2656]

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.

I would not dress full time but certainly would dress more often. I would also explore going out dressed which is some I have not done.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.

I am the same person in drab and dressed. The dressing satisfies a means of expressing myself not accessible when I am in drab.

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.

Our agreement is that I dress at home so I would not dress for the therapist unless I discussed with my wife first.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.

I have much more clarity about my dressing and who I am now. However, not telling my wife was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.

[rachel de Corvus]

Hi Steffi. Best wishes to you in this process. It seems healthy to me!

1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time?
Yes, 100% at home. I am not currently out locally and would need to make serious decisions about how, when, and even if to do so! I go out regularly in far-away cities.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress?
I feel and see myself as a woman when dressed and often en drab.

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that she [the therapist] saw me dressed.
Absolutely, She sees me dressed many days a week and knows i go out. I do not have secrets from her.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.
I did tell her. I was terrified and it went well. I am fortunate!

[Sarah Doepner]

First off, if you are not totally honest with the therapist, she will head in the wrong direction when dealing with the issues you and your wife are attempting to address. Things could easily get worse if she doesn't understand you, especially if you are feeding her the wrong information. Not just a waste of time but counter-productive and maybe even harmful in the long run. I do hope my answers provide a little light you can use to find your own path.


1. If you were retired and living alone, would you dress full time.

I am retired and living alone. I've gone from dressing occasionally and rarely going out to under-dressing all the time, fully dressing multiple times a week and coming out to others in the family so I can do more. It seems I'm not done yet and full time may be in the cards, I just don't know.

2. When I'm dressed, do I feel like a girl, or a man in a dress.

I'm feeling very comfortable and doing the best job I can presenting female but I'm not fooling myself. I may be closer to being a woman than a man mentally, but unless I start hormones and commit to transition I am, by definition, a male in body at least.

3. Is it OK if I tell your wife that the therapist saw me dressed.

Even if your wife doesn't want to see you, the therapist needed to understand your level of comfort and commitment to your feminine aspect. Your wife will need to know, but it may be the therapist that shares that information. That's a decision that will have to be decided between the two of you. My wife was accepting, saw me dressed and even went out with me a few times before she became sick and eventually passed away. The therapy I'd doing now is to get a handle on the anxiety I face as I attempt to move on and explore my gender now that I'm able to do that.

4. She also asked me why I didn't tell my wife before we got married.

I didn't tell my wife before we got married because I didn't recognize the crossdressing I'd done as a long term gender identity issue. I thought it was something sexual, and like others here, figured it would go away once I was married. During the middle part of my adult life it was a very minor part of my world. Eventually it began to become more apparent that this was something I would have to address and eventually she found me out before I could come up with the courage to tell her. I was fortunate that she accepted me for who I am, telling me that some of the things she loved the most about me were what she saw as some of my feminine characteristics.

I wish you both the best as you explore this strange and tangled thing that gender identity issues bring to a marriage.

[Amanda M]

who would trust a surgeon who said " Appendicitis is no big deal! No, I have never done the operation, but I'v e watched some videos....