Heading back into the closet

[L0vleyme]

My wife is understanding and more or less supportive of me. Our daughter just turned 1.5 year's old so I started the discussion of how much of any dressing I can do around her. We decided that the risk is high of my in-laws finding out about me from innocent comments or revelations our daughter might make as she is starting to learn that boys and girls look and dress differently.

I have agreed to pack away the majority of my second wardobe, keeping out a few of my more androgynous items that I can wear after my daughter goes to bed.

I still need to figure out if/when/what I will tell her as she gets older, but for now don't want to put the burden of a trans dad on her.

Kind of sad, as I felt I was making some growth in accepting this part of my life that I have to stop the momentum in its tracks.

[Candice June Lee]

This is something that should be discussed in depth. Children are more accepting than adults. When exposed younger they see nothing wrong. But that's something you folks have to discuss.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

My wife and I have a similar arrangement although I suspect mine is more accepting at this point in our lives.

I remember when my young daughter walked up and pulled on my stocking. That was about the last time I ever dressed in front of them. It's been 18+ years since and they still do not know and we don't intend to tell them.

I support the decision your wife and you made together.

[NicoleScott]

My only child us now 21 and has never been told. CDing has always been a personal and private thing for me, and with an erotic element to it.
Coming out to my child long ago would have come with a dilemma: "Daddy, if there's nothing wrong with it, why must I keep it a secret?" It gets complicated.
So I kept it as my secret (my wife knows).

[Jenny22]

I hope your closet door can be opened often. You are so young and pretty to be kept in the darkness of the closet.

[Allsteamedup]

Why not try a support group? This is an excellent option for new dads to dress occassionally.

[Teresa]

Lovleyme,
It is a hard decision to make but I think it's the right one, I still say a child needs stability as it grows up, we shouldn't put our problems on them.
I guess I was lucky that I worked from home as a professional photographer , I would spend hour in the darkroom , no one could enter while I was working so I kept a stash of clothes and could dress for hours even though my family were at home.
So I'm sure you'll find ways and means of fulfilling your needs.

[bettyloop]

It's crowded in that closet, isn't it? I'm lucky that I'm not in a rleationship and have no one special in my life to hide this from. sniff.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Coming out to my child long ago would have come with a dilemma: "Daddy, if there's nothing wrong with it, why must I keep it a secret?"

I think the answer to that could have been: "Because other people sometimes have a different idea about it and can be jerks about it.


It gets complicated.

Indeed it can.


So I kept it as my secret (my wife knows).

So it's not really a secret that's yours alone, shared burden and all that.

Veronica

[Brynna M]

I agree with your decision. it is not you that is any way a detriment to you daughter. The real choice is not to put our children in position of having to bear the burden of intolerance society places on anyone different. I wish there wasn't so much to over come to be me but I will never put my son in the middle of that fight.

[Helen_Highwater]

This is something that has come up before and will again. The issue that children will innocently divulge our secret. If allowed to grow up in a household with, shall we say, unusual" parents, kids will just take it in their stride. To them they will see nothing unto wards. That is until they share with the outside world and that world mocks. Mockery and ridicule are enormously destructive forces in a child's life, forces that can alienate and ostracize a child from their peers.

It's the adults who have to be prepared to show to the world that they aren't ashamed of who they are but if that's a burden too far then you're right to curtail your dressing.

[Tina_gm]

We all as parents have to make many decisions about how much our lives we share with our children. Thsee decisions often times means a restriction of ourselves in some form. We as parents often make many huge sacrifices to our children.

In time, you may find the ability to be more open. If this is a decision you are most comfortable with, regardless of its difficulty, it is the right decision to make. Circumstances may change later on, and if and when they do, re evaluating and possibly a different outcome may be warranted.

[Stephanie47]

I spent many nights sleeping in floor length nightgowns with garter belt and hosiery. When our first child came along she asked me not to wear them anymore as our son liked to roam around. Even after we bought our home you'd think the kids (now son and daughter) would use the bathroom on their side of the house? Nope! They had to use mom and dad's. Little kids like to rummage around. Our daughter open the bottom draw of my armoire and yanked a red bra from my small collection I had at that time.

The only suggest I have is to have your daughter get accustom to staying overnight at the grandparents when she gets about three. Most grandparents love the idea. I was also fortunate I was able to work out of town for five days/four nights several times a year. Stephanie did the road show.

[Jenniferathome]

At 1 1/2, your child has no clue about what's what. Your are well safe until she is 4, at least.

[raeleen]

I've seen this come up a few times and I have to say that I disagree again with the notion that this is a burden on your children. We shield or protect them from this side of our identity and by doing so, we are reinforcing notions that this is wrong or inappropriate. It's a cycle that will continue as long as we, the actual victims of society's shaming, start making changes and leading the way. This is not a burden. It's a gift you share with your child that there are many ways to be in this world, and that someone they love and cherish is one of those amazing people. There are a million things out there in the world that children get bullied over. We need to teach them how to stand up to bullies and not to step aside and allow the bully to move on to someone else.

Each person needs to make the decision for themselves and their family circumstance, and I wish you the best with yours, Lovleyme. You are the only one who really knows what impact and obstacles this could present in your family if you were open about it and of course you need to make that choice yourself. I just hope that as a community, we begin to be proud of who we are and not shrink away from the light. If we continue to do so, we'll never make the change in society that is so woefully needed.

[Teresa]

Raeleen,
It's not a case of withholding it from children because it's something to be ashamed of, I know what my childhood was like and I vowed to do better for my children, I wanted to be there for them and support them through their own difficult times. My children can now handle my CDing because they're adults but I still say it's not right to put an adult problem on a child's shoulders.
If children do say something to outsiders you then have a problem of telling them in a nice way that it may have been wrong because it caused complications they weren't aware of.

[L0vleyme]

Thanks for all the replies and input! I have been struggling with this decision for a long time, and have read through several threads I have found here.

I would prefer my daughter know early and be raised thinking nothing is wrong with how I choose to express myself, but as mentioned this would then open the door for her to causually say something to someone who then night tease her or say hurtful things.

I hope to raise her with an open mind so that down the road if she does find out it is a non-issue. I want her to know that she is supported to be herself and never feel ashamed of expressing herself as she needs, even if I can't lead by example.

I am not sure what age she will start to put pieces together, but having the smartest kid ever, she has already brought me my wife's heels when I ask her to grab my shoes. Could just be coincidence, but having a few people in my life who cannot know, I figure better safe than sorry.

I still have evenings and a monthly meet up I can get dolled up for, so the closet door won't be all the way shut.

[raeleen]

Lovelyme, I totally hear you and I'm sure you're making the most informed decision for your family. It is a tough decision and something I struggled with too before deciding to be moreopen about my identity and dressing with my children. But like I said, everyone needs to do what makes them most comfortable.

In response to Teresa, I don't think this is necessarily an adult problem. It's a problem that we use language like 'problem' or 'burden' around this because these all carry negative connotations to them. We are very conscious of the use of the word 'secret' as well in our household because that relates to kids the idea of something shameful or something you want to hide. Instead we really frame things in terms of privacy. There are things in our lives which are private and that we don't really share outside our family. There's nothing wrong with those things, but we don't really talk about them outside the house because it's something that is important for our family and so we respect each other's privacy by not sharing. All this is just to say that we look at how children will handle things through our eyes and experience. We believe these are things that are not age appropriate. But they are. And children in many ways are more flexible and better able to handle these things than we give them credit for. Adults are the ones with hangups and issues around gender identity and kids pick up from them that this is something to struggle with or that it's something bad. Teach them now when they're young. Encourage them to be open and give them an example to stand by. They will surprise you and they will hopefully carry these lessons on to many others in the future.

[mumpossible]

I have not read all comments because I have limited time today. But I wanted to say that I think each family has to do what is right for them and sor thereis probably no rift way to handle this.

But I have an opinion ��

People can be intolerant but that is often just becausent they don't understand about this. The only way that can change is if we all take a chance centre and be honest and open.

Children are not born prejudiced they are made that way. We have to teach our children and better way. By being brave honest and true to ourselves.

There is quite a bit of research on this and the younger a child is told the better for them. We are telling our children. Slowly and not overloading them with difficult concepts. But we are showing them that being true to oneself and authentic is a really powerful and beautiful thing. We are showing them that the people who love you will always love you because love is unconditional

[Stephanie47]

I think many of you do not truly understand the dynamics of the school yard. Kids can and will be brutal. Yes, there is nothing wrong about a man wearing women's clothing. And, yes, a child should not view her daddy wearing women's clothing as sinful, ill or any other negative word. The casual word in the playground and school yard could be adverse consequences to a child who cannot fully grasp the issue.

What is one to do? Fully dress in front of a child? Makeup? Wig? Dress and heels? Then, say nothing as if this is behavior accepted by society and send the child off to school hoping the child does not say anything? Or counsel the child and say it is "mommy's and daddy's secret."

The one size fits all approach does not fit all. Even if one lives or hangs out in a supposedly accepting area there is always a risk. Just in the last few days a transgender person was brutally attacked in one of the most accepting areas of Seattle or maybe that should be in the past tense.

Anyway, my wife is an elementary school teacher and the words coming from a kindergarten age kid came be very hateful. And, with the "bathroom" bill controversy going full bore in the States, we may be asking a child to handle a burden he or she is not equip to handle.

[docrobbysherry]

Telling anyone when u r in the closet puts a burden on them. I didn't tell my immediate family until I was nearly caught a few times.

I think closeted dressers should only tell those when they need to know. If want to come out, that means more folks must be told!

[Rhonda Jean]

I agree with Stephanie47 and I agree with what you're doing. That doesn't mean you have to quit entirely. Go out of town for a day or two every so often to do your thing. It can be a lot more manageable and tolerable than all or nothing.

[Lorileah]

I think many of you do not truly understand the dynamics of the school yard. Kids can and will be brutal. Because most of us never have been in a school yard or have been bullied? I think we understand all to well what happens there (fights, having your pants pulled off, being called names, cliques, loneliness in some cases, hate, fear anger)

I think we know what happens. But now the question "What can we do to STOP this?" Currently there is an anti-bullying campaign. Awesome idea but it only works in schools. When the child goes home, the REAL teaching begins. In this case not dressing in front of the child is a parenting decision. Not incorrect and it works for this family, however, you can still TEACH the child that the action is not in any way wrong or inappropriate. You can reinforce that people are different and that isn't bad. You see smeone who isn't "like you" you tell the child that they are who they are, no better, no worse. And that you should stand up for them because we are all one. Good parents teach love and not hate and intolerance. Then in 20 years when the OP does come out, the child can say "Gee that's cool. I am glad you are happy"

You see the actions of the playground are determined by the actions of the family and the core they make up. Good ethics, tolerance, love and not marginalizing anyone. The OP knows that the battle for this is hue and they don't want to jump in with both feet, however you can all make the path smoother for the OP's and your children by not promoting the palyground actions we see now. Teach it is WRONG to bully and marginalize.

[raeleen]

I absolutely understand how tough the playground can be and how deep words can cut a child who hasn't built up the coping mechanisms that most adults have. However, I think it's oversimplifying and dismissive of kids though to say that they can't handle these issues. We need to better equip them to take on these conversations and difficult situations face to face. We as their parents should be teaching them that when bullying is happening on the playground that it's not ok and that standing up to the bully, finding adult allies, not just accepting the status quo is the only way that we can make things better or make change. I'm not saying that our children need to be on the frontlines of fighting these battles for us, or that we leave them to fend for themselves with circumstances that they may not be able to emotionally handle yet, but we can't keep putting it off or making excuses for not telling them, not being honest about ourselves, or expecting others to do the work. If we desire real change, we need to step into the discomfort.

I don't think one size fits all, and I do think that everyone needs to make their decision of what fits their family best. And I will never say that someone is wrong for not telling their kids or being open. I agree with lots of posters that if you're very closeted and don't want it to come out, then by all means, do not tell your kids. But I would encourage us to not view our gender identity as a burden to place on our kids, something that will make their lives more difficult. If you can, be an example for them to see positively. And help prepare them for the difficult conversations that could happen if it does come out. It's always possible (and really very likely) that if it's not this issue, it could easily be another that they get teased or bullied on, or that they see someone else harassed about. Wouldn't we want them to stand up for themselves or someone else if they could?

I'm just sad to hear how down we get about this side of ourselves and how many of us seem to be trapped in isolation or with little community or support. Love yourselves. Share it when you can. It's pride month after all.

Much love to all of you,
Raeleen