Dropping facades

[PretzelGirl]

Done....

[Melissa Rose]

It just disappeared. Poof. It was like no longer having to hold my breath and keep things in without anyone knowing - all I had to do was exhale and start breathing normally. I never thought much about the difference until the last 2 years mainly due to the same comment made by a few who learned the start of my transition process was about 6 years ago. They thought I transitioned many years ago because I was so comfortable and everything about me felt real and natural (i.e., I had many years to practice and get good at it :)). It was not conscious or learned, but just quickly evolved (erupted?) as I felt more comfortable in my skin and in my place in society. It no longer felt like I was in a play and acting out a part that was unnatural for me.

[Rianna Humble]

This is a very good question ,but I must admit to never having thought about it.

One obvious one for me was the freedom to express my emotions - although on the downside that led to a meltdown in a conference I was attending yesterday.

Perhaps another was the way that I am now much more able to comfort people in a manner that he would never have been able to do.

My difficulty is that it was not conscious, so I'm having to search around for examples of what changed, although I still remember the very kind comment by a journalist very early in my transition
Apart from the obvious differences, it is almost like talking to Robert - same shy smile, same self-deprecating humour and the same concern for the needs of others

[Nigella]

I'm not too sure when, it at all, the maleness left. I was never into the stereotypical male activities so there was never any facade. I think for a large majority of us, the natural just comes naturally to the forefront.

[becky77]

It was more a case of letting go than learning.
I no longer need to be guarded and choose my words, I never really tried to 'up' the maleness and because of that people often thought I was gay even though I was married.

I worked several years as an engineer and that was at times very difficult, I did need to act tough and add some swagger but it was so easy to let go because it was just an act to survive.

I've never personally met a TS that needs to learn how to be a woman.

[ClaudineD]

That letting go comes in all levels....was lucky to be surrounded by strong women in my youth that shaped a natural path....ridding oneself of the shell of a male presentation is easy (as Moi) or takes the long process of introspection and expense of therapy.....when that inner core exists and is allowed to blossom, jettisoning that shell became SO easy.....I feel for those who have the struggle....but for some that stuggle is the means to learn if that inner core is the drive vs. a passing need......hard to explain.....but easy to live it.....

[PretzelGirl]

Done....

[Melissa Rose]

I've never personally met a TS that needs to learn how to be a woman.
This sums it up nicely.
Based on my many years as part of a local trans group, it was usually obvious after a short while who was "trying too hard" to act and look like a woman. There was something forced, exaggerated or unnatural that you picked up on. Sometimes it was painfully obvious; sometimes it was more subtle. Some things cannot be fully learned without some natural facility being present.

[Cindy J Angel]

Sue I don't think it's being trained as a woman I think it's more a life lesson. We did not get growing up as a boy. We had to hide it and witch. The girls. I remember when GIJoe came out first male doll heard dad say don't get him one man don't play with dolls. Now my dad was not that way it was just the times then.. so I do have to learn some things especially after 57 years of doing it one way. Being me has just made it easier to be me.love Cindy

[PretzelGirl]

Done....

[Badtranny]

What a cool thread.

This is another really great conversation about the trans experience and it really highlights why it's so important for new readers to be discerning. I agree with many of these gals especially Becky77, damn nailed it.

It won't be long before the usual suspects roll in with irrelevant comments about "male activities" and "women can do anything men can do" etc. Or the tired old hierarchy crap. So let me take a stab at the heart of this issue before it devolves.

Becky and the Original Mel have both touched on something that I think deserves some thought. Now, I haven't met thousands (possbly hunreds of thousands) of trans women like my friend PaulaQ, but I have met quite a few. By met, I mean actually met in person and spoke to at length over a meal and/or a drink. Many have been to my home and I've spent lots of time stuck in traffic with a few of them. What I'm trying to say is I've been up close and personal with more than my share of trans women and I can also say that I have never met one who had to learn to be a woman.

Now, I'm no scientist but I do acknowledge that there must be an element of self selection here that could arguably invalidate my observation. In other words, the only people that I would spend that much time with are people that I like and feel a kinship with. Having said that, it should also be noted that I'm not particularly drawn to straight men who look like women. I enjoy drag shows and whatnot, and I love me some femmy gay boys but it is the RARE CD who I would invite into the inner circle.

Back to the chorus, In my opinion, Sue's use of the word 'facade' is perfect. When you go to Universal Studios and see the Western Set or whatever you can clearly see that what looks like an old western street on TV is just some shitty little buildings with a western theme built over the parts that you can see. It's not really fake right? Because it's the same material that's being used on the rest of the building, but the outside makes it appear that there's a balcony or a second floor and the inside is just a dark 8ft high room with no stairs.

The outside is the man and the inside is the woman who we were never allowed to adorn or even recognize. Some of us really put the work into that facade. I was one of those who believed that if I built the facade strong enough and big enough that it would eventually overwhelm the original structure. Unfortunately, that little room never does go away. It's always there, and frankly we hate it because we can never let the people who love our facades inside. We can never let them see that our big beautiful building is just a fake front over a tiny dark room. With one little candle and no windows. There used to be some natural light in there but we surrounded it with fake walls long ago.

Now it's all dark, except for one dimly burning candle.

Burn it down girls.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Quality of life is always better if you can "let go"....

in our cases especially so...

its a subtle and empowering thing to literally not think about it....i dont always acheive this...getting self conscious sometimes is just reality... i learned getting self conscious sometimes is far far better than having gender dysphoria....

but usually i dont think about it and thats a good thing... i think sometimes i still come here just to get it out of my system!!!

[pamela7]

thank you Sue, and everyone who's posted here. Most my life I've been over-disclosing/sharing (in the male world) and finding myself with natural gestures that were feminine. This makes so much sense, i've found myself letting go the false postures of maleness and naturally being me. I rarely use makeup - tho today i do have some lipstick on - as I'm going about my business as me, and my working colleagues are mostly calling me Pam now - it is only habit of some to slip up with my old name. I can remember being told aged 14 that i danced like my mum - at the time I was horrified but now it makes sense.

Why did I get so angry doing "man things"? Well, now I know. xxx

[Marcelle]

Hi Sue,

What a great thread and one I have spent some time thinking on over the past few years. Specifically, was there ever a male me or just me wrapped in a façade trying desperately to be what the world saw me as . . . a guy. Like Melissa, I lived my façade large and in your face, military, special forces blah, blah, blah. However, the true me was always there but denied her rightful place . I guess you could call this my false maleness but in essence most of what I did I thoroughly enjoyed even if I had to hide behind a façade of mucho macho man. When I transitioned there really wasn't anything which required learning in my day to day life because my actions, motions, and what not stayed the same but I was able to express them from an authentic place and they became part of me but from a position of not having to pretend. In essence the façade dissolved and the real me stepped forward into the driver's seat and incorporated all that is me into my new self, no lies, no hiding just the ability to accept myself for who I am and live that life.

However, I will tack one caveat . . . I did have to learn how to enjoy the sense of absolute joy in being able to be me for the very first time in my life. It may sound odd but it was not easy to learn as I had lived so long denying myself a true sense of happiness that I almost felt guilty in being so happy. When I reached that point where my internal joy did not evoke a pang of guilt, I became comfortable in my own skin and I truly believe that is the point the last vestige of any maleness dissolved because I was now the person I was always meant to be and façade was no longer relevant to me.

Cheers

Marcelle

[KymberlyOct]

Cindy, I don't believe you need to learn new things. The point of transition is to be you. That means letting what is inside you come out, not to train yourself to be like someone on TV or in the movies. No one can teach you to be yourself, you just have to let it go.

Everyone replying in this thread is much farther along than myself and many of you have been transitioned for awhile. This is something that I have been concerned about. My plan is to be full time by the first half of next year after FFS etc. That said I feel much better and less concerned after reading this thread and in particular Sue's comment above. All I have to do is be myself. I am going to do voice training with a professional but other than that, how I act, move and what I say is just going to be me. I can't spend the rest of my life acting to be feminine - I have spent all of these years 'acting' like a guy. It's time to just be myself.

Thanks for the insight.

[Cindy J Angel]

Just now being me. My Mannerisms I Have been told r female. I naver thought thy were I was shocked when one of my therapist said this
To me. I had spent so mime years trying to be Mr bad ass Fights race cars circle track dirt And aver man thing. So I do have some doubts that's the hardest thing to shed. Yesterday at a red light people look at each other man nod at man woman smile. So what I mean about learning is the Psychic behind the smile. I went to know, feel, and embrace that. It's that fear not knowing . Witch brings my GD on. Lv Cindy

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i want to be clear and fair...
I think its totally ok to seek out guidance and support and if that includes some "comportment" lessons, i don't see the problem in it unless you feel those lessons are the more important part of it
realistic expectations are needed and an understanding that nothing will change unless you get out there and do it are critical.

sometimes people need to learn a behaviour before they realize how natural it is for them...

not everybody is blessed with the confidence and there is a certain physicality to being stuck in a big ole male body .... surely by letting go and feeling like yourself it can all work out, but a little help and confidence boosting goes a long way sometimes


as for voice Kymberly I think its excellent to seek a coach to get you going ...i saw a Dr Ruiz in Philly and he was actually doing a study...he helped me ALOT and in 6 lessons i had figured out my voice...
of course, nothing replaces using it but it was sure a great head start to use his methods and voice games... (he measured my estimated female range based on my height weight and measurements...then he gave me video games that i controlled with my voice... by breaking my thought patterns and focusing on keeping that airplane above a cloud or keeping a bird flying through hoos, i was easily able to quickly release my voice and get over the awkwardness of talking a bit differently)

[Donnagirl]

This has been a subject I've spent a while thinking about as well... In my previous male macho world there was never a hint of feminity, whereas now, even people I interact closely with over several days are not feigning surprise when they hear about the previous me.

Did I learn to act male? Have I learned to act female? I'm sure neither is true... I was comfortable and happy for the majority of my male life. So much so many of you are aware of the struggle I had to let go of the death grip I had on my man card. Now I'm comfortable living as a woman being a woman feels natural and I'm sure this is reflected in how I present, act and interact with society.

I did take time watching GG's in daily activities but not in any effort to mimic, rather to recognise what male traits I may be more reticent to shed. And to ensure my choice of dress, particularly in those early days was appropriate.

I still see trans girls trying too hard to 'act female', especially in those nervous early outings into the public. Confidence is all they need.

I must admit I do still have a few annoying traits that are distinctly male, the way I cough and clear my throat being one, but this is fading.

So I do think that all a trans girl has to do is 'be herself' and she will be.

[Brooklyn]

Do you really think every little bit of the maleness is false, considering that we grew up as boys and many of us lived for years as men? Boys and girls are socialized differently, and the differences in conversation style and body language are well-documented. But to what extent are lingering male traits a problem for you? I am naturally quite effeminate, but at work, for example, I have to become far more assertive and competitive in my conversation style, or else I will be ignored and things just won’t get done. So sometimes I am not unhappy to have extensive male training in my toolbox.

On the flip-side, I'm not always entirely comfortable yet in certain large groups of women, like a baby shower I went to some months ago. I worry about passing, about the right and wrong things to say, about what I might not know that all the other women know (what is this clothespin for?). Yes, just be yourself, but you get through these new experiences in part by mirroring other women. If you use competitive language like men would in that kind of situation, you are doomed to be an outsider.

This social aspect of transition never fails to keep me on my toes and it makes my otherwise ordinary life exceedingly interesting. It has nothing to do with how you cross your legs or some kind of superficial deportment training for debutantes.

[Mirya]

I never developed a strong male personality, despite living as a man for more than 30 years. I never had any macho-type male friends, so I never had to act that way in order to fit in. At work, I've always emphasized cooperation over competition (maybe that's why I never got that high on the career ladder, lol). And I was never married or even had a steady girlfriend, so I never had to assert a male role there either.

So for me, transitioning is totally a matter of letting myself just be me. It didn't take much effort for me to "act" more feminine after going full-time.

[PretzelGirl]

Done....

[Melissa Rose]

...at work, for example, I have to become far more assertive and competitive in my conversation style, or else I will be ignored and things just won’t get done.

On the flip-side, I'm not always entirely comfortable yet in certain large groups of women, like a baby shower I went to some months ago. I worry about passing, about the right and wrong things to say, about what I might not know that all the other women know (what is this clothespin for?). Yes, just be yourself, but you get through these new experiences in part by mirroring other women.

Ashley, I like that I see someone else bring this up as I referenced it shortly. We do have what I refer to as gender norms. For example, assertiveness is a male trait. But is it really or has society come to accept it as male? Why, as a feminist, can I not be assertive? Women are just as competent at high level leadership roles as men, so I would challenge whether this should be a male trait alone.

I tend to agree with Sue about assertiveness and competitiveness not being an exclusive or overwhelming domain of men. In my past and current jobs, it was/is almost exclusively women only. There is assertiveness (more common) and competitiveness (less common); however, it manifests itself in different ways compared to environments with a higher proportion of men (most of my previous experiences). In other words, it looks and feels quite different. I prefer the "women's version". On the other hand, I agree you, whether you are a man or woman, have to be louder and larger in the presence of loud and large men so you can be heard. For me, it is more a matter of survival and being heard rather than acting more like a man.

I am always more comfortable in social situations with women than men. I usually felt out of place behaviorally and conversationally in a group of men. It had less to do with the way I was socialized and more to do with feeling uncomfortable and out of sync. Nowadays I just trust my instincts, and with a bit of mirroring, and it all feels much better to me.

[Debglam]

Some of us really put the work into that facade. I was one of those who believed that if I built the facade strong enough and big enough that it would eventually overwhelm the original structure. Unfortunately, that little room never does go away. It's always there, and frankly we hate it because we can never let the people who love our facades inside. We can never let them see that our big beautiful building is just a fake front over a tiny dark room. With one little candle and no windows. There used to be some natural light in there but we surrounded it with fake walls long ago.

Wow. . .just wow! YT^^^

But sadly, sometimes the facade becomes so integral to the structure over time that it becomes almost impossible to dismantle it completely. :sad:

[Eringirl]

Wow....interesting thread....sorry to be so late to the party on this one....

For me, the male facade melted away like an ice cube in July, quickly evaporating with no evidence remaining. It was gone, that fast. My true self was ready to burst into the light, bask in the sun, get some tan lines and move on with life without breaking pace. No questions, no regrets, no mourning. Done. People around me do not notice any change in me (behaviours, attitudes, capabilities, competencies, emotions etc) except they all notice that I am happier....waaaay happier! And, that's a good thing (to coin a phrase ;) ).

I did have one thing happen a few weeks ago that was a first. I did have a few new clients (one male, one female) from my consulting company challenge my authority on an issue. Having consulted with clients for over 10 years, that has never, ever happened before. So maybe coincidental, who knows. But I just stuck to my guns, worked through it as I would have previously, and moved on. Ya don't mess with this chick in my domain. Anyway, it was all fine, and in the end, they wrote a wonderful thank you to the senior partner for all the help I provided. So apologies for stepping into the quagmire that is the hierarchy of the world.....

Other than that, I think personality wise, there was never a facade. The only facade I had was physical. Not sure if this is much of a contribution to the discussion....

[I Am Paula]

I have been saying this, on these pages, for years. It was so easy, and cathartic. To be able to drop the act I had perfected for so many years, and do it so quickly. Everything I needed to be my real self was there, ready to use at my command. That day came, and Paul vanished forever in a blink. Paula was there to take over, fully formed.
It didn't take lessons, although a lifetime of girl watching may have played some part. The very first time my sister met 'me', she was amazed that I acted like a woman. I assured her that I was not acting, she just didn't know 'me'. She had never met a transperson before.

[becky77]

The other aspect of this is how hard it is for friends and family, we may find it easy to discard the facade but most everyone around us bought into that facade and don't find it easy at all to just let it go.

The more elaborate the facade you built the harder your transition will be to cope with from those around you.
I adopted some coping mechanisms as an engineer that I began to let go of 2 years before going full-time, people started noticing things and I had feedback come back to me. I allowed them to see those things it was my way of subtly prepping everyone for what was to come.
Almost no one saw my transition coming but they weren't really shocked either.
It was more like "Oh that makes sense now" rather than "I just can't believe it".

In my opinion transition will be gentler if you start dropping the facade way before the big reveal.

[jentay1367]

I agree with Becky. I've been doing the same thing for the last couple of years so that the disconnect is less severe for those around me. Seems kind of Machiavellian, but it's better than than doing a 180 flip and freaking people out.