The chicken TG?

[Jenny Elwood]

I posted this on fb a while back, thought I'd share it here.


A shiver runs down my spine as I stare out to the East over the brightening horizon beyond the breakers. It's chilly and I came unprepared for what was supposed to be a night of revelry. I find myself sitting alone on a stretch of beach, waiting for the sun to show itself and liven up my shivering limbs. Another hour at most, I think to myself. Will I make it to daybreak or should I just give up and go clamour into bed like the weasel I normally am? Fatigue is now complementing the chilly air, driving me to seek the solace of my blanket.

As I sat there on that lonely stretch of beach, I made a resolution unto myself. If I could make it to daybreak I would hand myself over to being trans-. No longer would I fight this ever-growing fire I had struggled to contain all my life. I would dress freely and let the sprightly person I had imprisoned behind that faceless facade out. I was lonely but tired. Appalled at (the permanence of) growing manhood but shivering. Wanting to be a heroic girl but too much of a wimpy boy. So my chickened skin turned to a chickened heart and I went to bed before sunrise resigned to my faceless life or so I thought...

In a parallel universe however I did not and the resolution stuck. The resolutions we make, whether conscious or not, always has a bearing on the outcome of our lives. Truth be told, whether I wimped out or not that night, the right decision was made, my beautiful family is proof of that. But...but, that sprightly young thing (I still carry in my heart), needs out every so often...

[Teresa]

Jenny,
It's good to hear from you again, welcome back.

As far as sitting on the beach thinking if you sit there long enough the decision might be made, you know there will be a next time and it will keep going until you finally decide to do it . I know you have a large family all fairly young so it not a case of chickening out it's more to do with responsibilities . You know you have to hang in there and be there for them but there's also Jenny to consider, not an easy one and as I've found it doesn't get any easier with age .

As for being out in the cold, my first time out socially was a freezing night in January, I had a rude awakening finding out what GGs go through when they want to look nice but it's not practical winter weather clothing. I won't say where the icy blast caught me but it did make my eyes water !

[Pat]

Nobody ever accused the trans community of lacking drama.... ;) Be nice to yourself; forgive yourself when you perceive you have failed in some way -- you haven't. The only duties you owe for being TG you owe to yourself and as you note you recognize a stronger duty to your family. Treasure it. And remember time happens. Kids grow up. Situations change. Life ain't over until it's over.

[Rachael Leigh]

Jenny all of us who have families and SO make these decisions, it makes our lives difficult and many like you and me tend to have a perspective of what is important and what can be good for us and our sanity and for our families.
I hate being who I am at times and I will never understand this thorn in my flesh

[Alice Torn]

Jenny and Leigh, You both said it so well,. Though i am single, my religion, and family of origin still have influences on me. I just hope to have the guts to go out several times this summer, at least. Great to have you back, Jenny!

[Jenny Elwood]

Thanks for your (sobering) thoughts. You guys... uhmm girls rock! The incident in question happened all of 20 years ago. And Jennie, you seem to be in agreement with my wife (and she's right 9 times out of 10), I do seem to be a drama queen... :-)

Teresa I had the perfect cartoon but I can't seem to manage attaching it, too bad...

[Mykaa]

Hi Jenny, myself I consider fluid. Im straight, I have a family I dont currently see. My ex made that decision for me. The last 7 years were pretty unpleasant. I floundered, wallowed, I lost a job. Well today is different, I can smile, I accepted me and Im happier than ever despite my losses. Im still going thru changes but thats all good as Im moving forward and growing as a person for the 1st time in a very long time. I have met many people in my short time of acceptance, I have made some new friends. Im the better for it. Im still in the closet mostly, but Im not terribly shy and I love to talk and I do for sure hehe. Im out to a few and so far thats enough. I went to a benefit for orlando last weekend, I have 1 local friend, we went out to the local club, she dresses out fairly regular, I usually go out androgynous. I enjoyed going to the club, I found somewhere I fit in! We had a pretty cool outing even though it was short. Im sure it'll happen again.
Nice to meet you btw!

[Tommie.]

You have made the right responsible decision. My SO says to remember 'when God closes a door He opens a window' so you will have opportunities open.... being patient and loving with yourself on the way is key.... huggs

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Mykaa and Tommie! Nice to meet new girls! Thanks for your support and thoughts, it is appreciated. :-) It's also good to hear others's stories as well and realise we are not alone in this, there is other people working though the same issues as well. People who can maybe help you avoid certain pitfalls. I hope that somehow I can help someone else out as well.

And Teresa I found that cartoon! With recognition to tgforum.com

[Teresa]

Jenny

We didn't have the snow that night, but I'd chosen to drive in wedges and change into my heels. normally I can do the ankle straps up in a few seconds but that night I spent a freezing ten minutes in various position in the car trying to do them up, I was just grateful I was wearing a long ballgown but it must have been a sight across the car park.

Thanks for finding the cartoon , I love it, even my wife thought it was funny when I told her about my shoes. She still hasn't seen me but she has very little sympathy for me wearing the wrong clothes, in her opinion!

[Molly James]

Hi Jenny,

Thought provoking stuff to be sure but you seem to be very happy in yourself now both in the way you write & most definitely in your fabulous pictures. I don't know how supportive or accepting your wife is but it looks like you have at the very least a loving & accepting relationship that importantly balances both family & the ability to let Jenny see the outside world (or is that let the outside world be brightened up by seeing Jenny?!!!) so if I am reading that right then I'm really happy for you. I love my short & all too seldom time as Molly but that is tainted by the guilt of how it affects my wife & how I'm scared to try to broach the CD subject with her which in turn is holding me back from visiting a support group or even maybe venturing outside - life can be a very fine & tough balance between trying to be ourselves whilst keeping hold of those that we love & who love us.

Molly.

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Molly, thanks for your sprightly reply! To be sure I struggle with a lot of the same issues (well, just about all of them!) that you mentioned regarding your situation. My wife is definitely NOT supportive, Jenny is barely tolerated and mostly loathed. Which is not to say she hates me in general, I still believe that she does (secretly and so do I her... shhh... she's hiding around here somewhere :D ) but it's become easier maintaining the walls (from both sides). Read my re-introduction for more info regarding our situation. I hope that you and yours can came to some kind of agreement, we do seem to serve two irreconcilable masters (dressing and marriage)... well I do anyway. :-)

[Molly James]

Hi Jenny.

Well that's my "note to self" moment - read up before making assumptions so apologies for that. I spent some time yesterday afternoon reading up on your journey which has certainly put my own situation into some perspective & I'm glad you are still able to get out & enjoy Jenny's trips to the theatre.

Best wishes,

Molly.

[Tina_gm]

Hi Jenny, and welcome back. If I am getting your op wrong, my apologies- But some 20 years ago, you had a type of reflective moment where you made a decision to not embrace full womanhood? or at least TG to be the main aspect of your life? You speak of your family as the proof of the correct choice. Also, from your re intro about your wife's lack of support. I don't mean to come off sounding harsh, but if I am it is not its actual intent.

To me, a wife who does not leave, and allows for CDing is an accepting wife. Liking and accepting are two completely different things IMO. It is to be expected from any wife or partner that the gender variance will be difficult. Yes, there are the minority of partners that do not struggle with it. It is something we who are TG will likely always deal with.


I had a sort of reflect period of my own gender variance issues a little over a year ago now. I can honestly say that while going through this time, I realized that just being a male character for others will ultimately fail, if that was what I was to become. Deciding on a life lived as a woman, or at least one where our gender variance has no boundaries or limits should not ever be made simply for others. We should not ever hold ourselves gender wise for them. What matters most I think for those close to us is who and what we are to them.

The choice I made to continue my life as I am was made because of more than just others. For me, what I am to them, what they are to me, what my life has been to me and what my life would most likely be if I were to alter it gender wise is what I made the decision on. If I was only a male character for them to have, ultimately I would fail to be a person that would be right for them, to them. I hope this is making sense. For those who choose the other path, their decision is as good as mine or yours. It is also likely the best decision for their family and S/O as well, even if it means a separation. It is better to be the right person to them, however that is, rather than a person that fits easiest for them.

[Dana44]

Jenny, Nice reflections and welcome back. Good to see you again.

[docrobbysherry]

Glad u hung in there! U NAILED ME with this post, Jenny!:straightface:

I was 17. 1000 miles inside Mexico. Broke. I was with other hi school kids who owed me money but wouldn't pay. My family on holiday and this was WAY before cell phones! I was surviving on penny pasteries and tainted water. One nite I was sitting on a tall rock formation. A paved parking lot far below. I thot why not just jump and end the misery?

While I ruminated about jumping, a voice in my head said, "Don't be a baby. Cheer up! Things could be much worse!" And, the voice was rite. I cheered up and things got worse!:doh: No they didn't.

I told my story to another surfer the next day out in the water. He lent me $50 bucks and I had enuff to buy gas back to the States! (Gas was 17 cents in Mexico then).

I was NEVER that depressed again. Until I got drafted during Nam. But, that's another story---

[Lidea]

Funny enough.... we have a 3y old...well..in fact all our children did the following. ... When they are faced with a choice...for instance a piece of chocolate or a helping of ice cream for desert.. they would take some time to consider their options and knowing that their decision is final, they make their choice....

After enjoying their choice. .. they would come back and say that the unchosen option looks so nice...can't they have that too? And should you enter into a discussion about it, they would always say they didn't really want what they chose... but rather what they didn't choose.


Now luckily it is only the 3yo that still does that. ... why not the others? Because their dad taught them that choices have consequences and he would not give in...

Now a decision was made on a stretch of beach...very well knowing that you can not have both.... and there has even been the admittance that it was the right choice....having 5 wonderful kids and all...but now you want to have the other unchosen option as well..... The only difference between this scenario and the one with the 3yo is that the choices that the 3yo made will only influence her.... the fact that you want to have both sides of your bread buttered has a devestating effect on quite a number of people. ..people totally innocent in the choices that YOU made..

[Teresa]

Lidea,
It isn't an easy decision, but it's one I chose to make when my children were older. I still think that's the right thing to do. To me you can't put an adult's problem on a child's shoulders , they have enough to go through growing up and need your support as parents.
I know some disagree with that saying the sooner a child knows about matters of the World the better they will deal with them, on the other side of that coin how many parents have had their children go off the rails with that viewpoint ?

I feel I got it right but it's still a compromise, all my family know and accept me, so I still remain a husband, father and now grandfather and I'm so grateful for that !

[Lidea]

Sorry Theresa. ..I'm not sure we are on the same page. The decision on the beach thing happened 20years ago...4 years BEFORE my husband and I even met.... so when we met and he decided to ask me to marry him, he already made that decision to leave the gurl behind.... to be the man for a young bride.....

now he wants acceptance or admires someone else who has an accepting wife....

me and my mother-in-law had an interesting discussion the other day.... about different type of relationships with a TG person...
whether her child is J.. or Jenny...boy or girl...it still is her child...
whether my husband is J... or Jenny he is still his cousin's cousin...

but my relationship with him is totally different... I didn't marry a 'human'... I married a man... so if he is J... he is the man I married...but if he is Jenny...the it changes my sexual orientation and cause me to be married to a girl....
my mother-in-law doesn't lose a child ...his cousin doesn't lose a cousin...but me...I become a widow when the skirt comes on....

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi gendermutt!

A very apt assessment of the situation, thank you. To you (and Lidea for that matter) I am trying my best to live up to whatever choices I made. I am however but a flawed hero. Well no hero actually, just a man with feet (and seemingly) legs of clay. I missed the latest discussion seeing as I broke (both pipes) of one of those brittle legs 10 days ago in a motorcycle accident. Looking at a 12 week recovery I'm sure I'll follow any further discussion on the topic, and other similar stories (like Sherry's), with interest.

[Tina_gm]

Hi again to both of you. My opinions on transgender relationships has altered a little since I've joined. In the beginning, my thoughts were that if you created the marriage with kids life, you should honor and own it regardless. IF however someone comes to a point in their life where they realize that they in their soul they simply are not a husband and father, then rather than sacrificing their entire human existence, they were better off being who they truly are. Just like a completely failed marriage (for whatever reason) the parents always make better parents outside of the failed marriage.

As for the transgender person, a similar situation can be present. Even the worst case scenario for them, their family is full non accept, that is better than the biological father who internally just isn't.

To Jenny and Lydia, I am not saying in any way this is your situation. I do believe many of us do at some point walk up to the threshold and make a decision whether or not to enter into life as a female. If the decision is no, it should be made because there is that part of us that IS the husband and father. Enough so that we embrace it.

Most people in general make Hugh sacrifices. Especially many parents. I still equate this to the transgender relationships. Yes we who are if we are indeed still identify as male to aNY substantial degree will likely make many difficult sacrifices. Although we should not live with total sacrifice of it either. I do believe that Lydia has made her own as well. I personally wish the idea of a widow mentality was softened some. In partnerships, we walk most of life together, but there are those moments when we do walk alone. Rather than the dress comes on and the marriage dies, perhaps consider the marriage still alive, but it becomes a time for Jenny to walk alone, while dressed.

[Jenny Elwood]

My dear Lidia, I flounder at the eloquence of "Merchant of Venice"...

[Lidea]

Again you have me with your words.... or in lame man's terms...I do not understand

[Teresa]

Lidea,
Sorry I did misread it but maybe I still made a valid point to Jenny.

Taking the last few words of your last line maybe how my wife sees it but we do have a different situation. I know I've mentioned it before but since the menopause my wife hasn't had any intimate interest in me for the last ten years, she knows and accepts that she has been substituted. Please don't misunderstand me I'm not totally happy about the situation but I am respecting my wife's wishes, naturally the meaning of love has a different meaning because it's not total anymore. She has our grandchildren and they fill her life but she still needs my support which she values more now because she nearly lost it. That's why she gives me the slack to go out socially, she still doesn't want to see me but realises it fulfills an inner need .

I know I keep referring to my new avatar but my wife hardly sees me smile like that, she isn't seeing the best part of me, it does hurt and I deeply regret my male side not being happier.

[Suzanne F]

I can't resist. I am sitting here in bed while my wife sleeps away next to me. We are on a weekend trip to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. This is almost 8 weeks after having SRS. We have a beautiful 13 year old son at home. Yes my wife lost something. I am not the same. We have struggled to adjust the last few months. Yes there is sadness. We will never be the same.

Yes I am not what many would call a husband or father anymore. However, I hope to be a better spouse and parent than I was while hiding my real identity. My son and my daughters from my first marriage are watching a valuable lesson unfold in front or them. I have owned the truth and am facing the world in a difficult situation. Yes my wife and I are relearning certain things and sometimes I fail. But, I am secure in the knowledge my wife really loves me. If in the end she cannot be married to a woman I would understand. I want her to be happy and she wants me to be me. We will have to see if those two things are possible.
I guess I am trying to say surely the person that loves us the most wants us to be ourselves. Yes I did not want to turn my family's life upside down. Not many of us do. I am so grateful my wife didn't base her reaction on what i deserved but rather decided I needed her live and understanding.
Suzanne

[Tina_gm]

Suzanne I am certain your decision to live your life as you feel authentic was the correct one. You are living proof of my earlier statement I made. You and others on here are in part why I made it. We can serve others best when we are healthy happy individuals. Better partners, friends, family members and as parents.

My wife has even agreed I am a better person now after I accepted my own gender variance. I'm sober, more calm and rational. I think more clearly (a lot of that from sobriety) but sobriety has only been successful since my own acceptance.

Yes, she struggles with it at times. She has felt a bit of conflict. I have not walked your path, mine no where near what you have had to traverse. The concept though I believe has a similarity to it. I would not bet much on my wife being able to handle it if I lived fully as female.... but she has also over time come to handle what i am far better than what she thought she would.

[Lorileah]

I am confused now. I respect your feelings on this but I don't understand. So I can see why you don't understand the feelins of the CDs here.





but my relationship with him is totally different... I didn't marry a 'human'... I married a man... so if he is J... he is the man I married...but if he is Jenny...the it changes my sexual orientation and cause me to be married to a girl....
my mother-in-law doesn't lose a child ...his cousin doesn't lose a cousin...but me...I become a widow when the skirt comes on....

This is especially troublesome to me. I know a lot is made here about how people feel they change when clothing comes on. Maybe they do but that seems incongruous to me when some one states they aren't TS but "just" a crossdresser. I have argued this before when it comes to sexuality. I'm sorry but a crossdresser who still has and uses the boy parts cannot be a lesbian no matter how you slice it. You may want to be a lesbian, but when the clothing comes off and the pieces connect it is a man/woman relationship. I am getting this vibe from you. Somehow in your mind the "Male" parts go away and your mind reads lesbian. That much I do understand. But it isn't true. If he changes enough to make you not want to be with him, he needs to step back and rethink. I had a relationship witha GG for 15 years. Not once was that relationship anything but heterosexual even when I had on certain clothes. She never felt I was a woman making love to another woman (we were one person making love to another person,,,we didn't look any deeper than we were in love and it was just a shell on the outside, it was a soul on the inside). It scares me even MORE for you to describe yourself as a "widow" as if your husband will never come back. He doesn't die, and if you see him as dead, that is something I would, as your spouse, be very concerned about. Having true split or multiple personalities is highly unusual. Under that piece of cloth is the "Man" (your words) you married and I pray that when you married him it was for more than a physical endowment.

Even as Transsexuals, our minds don't go away. Our hearts don't disappear. If he fixed you sink before, he can fix your sink still. Too much emphasis is placed on a body part. Your husband still maintains that part technically. If his attitude changes to you with a dress, you need to have him adjust that. I am the same person who was married 27 years. the same person who loved the women I was with my whole life. Putting on clothing din't change that. And luckily my partners didn't change when I did. If you are solely in love with the image, I worry, because in my 60 years here, I have not met Dorian Grey. WE all change. To me it brings in the fear that what if your spouse lost all his hair? Less love? What if your spouse lost all their money? Less love? What if, God forbid, they lost ability or some part of the body.....Less Love? In my world, that means love wasn't there to start. 18 months of caring for a wife who had brain cancer, I watched her change, and yet...I still loved her. But I know my life is different than most. I had glamor once, my firs wife was a Bunny,,,yes beautiful. I still hold a place in my heart for her but it wasn't true love, it was young lust. I have what I think is true love and although there were always things I didn't like, from simple change in hair color to outright deception, I still loved them with all my heart. the shell didn't matter. I like to think MY shell didn't matter. I can't ask either one because they are gone. And when that happens all the skirts and panties and makeup your SO may have worn become minutiae. In the long run, it doesn't matter.

I know Susan and her SO. It almost makes me cry every time to see how much they love each other and how hard they work to stay together. Yes, there were times of question, but they saw through the shell. It comes down to your definition of love. Do you love the physical object? Or do you love the soul and spirit. I wouldn't give anyone a nickel who just loves the physical.

[Pat]

I'm sorry but a crossdresser who still has and uses the boy parts cannot be a lesbian no matter how you slice it.

OMG, I'm hoping the pun was unintentional...

Even the times I heard guys using that "logic" they were being facetious. I'm hoping it's just the standard internet problem of text giving no emotional cues is the reason it comes up (frequently) here. You guys are all just kidding -- right? Nobody believes it? Right?

Let's all just agree that "gay" and "lesbian" are talking about cisgender-on-cisgender behavior and don't apply when you add trans people to the mix. A trans man having sex with a cisgender guy is not gay sex. A trans woman having sex with a cisgender woman is not lesbianism. Trans sex words haven't been invented yet, though I look forward to them.

[Teresa]

Lorileah,
Thanks for those thoughtful words, this is one time when I would like my wife to read the forum.

Loss or lack of love is a sad fact, some people struggle with the ability to show it . I just have to accept my wife shows it in her way, most of the words you highlight from Lidea I have had said to me. I have been corrected for using the term male lesbian, instead I adopt bi-gender but whatever label I do have a deep love for my wife. Dressing has never entered the bedroom but even so intimacy has gone, my wife doesn't want to know, all I can do is respect her wishes, she doesn't appear to appreciate that it's one of the building blocks of marriage. Yes she still wants the man to do the things a male partner should do , which I am still capable of, it's part of my job but at times I feel more like a handyman than a husband. I've said this before but I do feel my CDing is being used as an excuse almost at times as a punishment, I find it hard sometimes to come to terms with this when she realised how much she did need me when we almost separated .

I did find it upsetting when I read your words about the shell not mattering , the core still remains intact , I feel my core is being damaged and all I have to hold onto at times is the shell ! Much of the time that shell prefers to be Teresa because I'm fulfilling a need that makes me happier.

[Jenny Elwood]

Thanks for all your input people. With me being home for the foreseeable future both parties will have some time for instrospection and discussions of the way forward. Our marriage was hanging by a very thin thread before the accident but it seems at least this unfortunate incident has been the catalyst to some positive movement. Both parties have at least agreed to try see if we're willing to rebuild. Thanks again for everyone's input. :-)

[Aleca]

Yes, those things do take affect.

[Jane G]

I can vivadly recall. Laying on my back looking up at the stars, on a perfect night. I was fully on fem stone cold sober and just lay there for an hour or more, thinking I should wait until dawn then just let he world find me. I too went to bed. I woke the next day happy with my life. It's important to challenge your self and ask questions of your self. It is also important to listen to the answers.

[Tina_gm]

Well Jenny that is a very good thing that you guys are going to try to reconcile whatever your differences are. If- the sticking points are gender related, I guess you both need to be ready for some strong compromise IF- that is what you both want most out of life is each other.

Again I will say this- and for those of us who in our soul are women that is something different. For those of us who have a need for feminine gender expression yet deep down we still want the life we have most of all, our compromising, while a very unique situation is still the same concept of compromise that life partners give to each other. The same compromising that many parents give for their children.

If my life was all about me and only me, besides dressing however whenever, it would be spent primarily on the beach, the golf course and in a casino. I do go to all 3 of those places, but no where near as much as I would like to. Now add in the gender component, and it is in a way the same thing. IF as you did Jenny, decide that your life is best spent as a man, then you should honor that. Not that dressing or other feminine gender expression should not be done. But, sometimes we as CDers need to focus on the end goal of our lives.

To our partners- Yeah, ya don't dig it. Most of us do understand this, and understand why. But... YOU are choosing to stay with us regardless. WE are still giving you reasons to stay. Fighting our gender variance will never do any good for either you or us. That is not to say WE always do it as we should. WE sometimes pick bad times, WE sometimes act selfishly, as WE are human. Those can and should be worked on, worked through. Fighting a part of us that cannot be changed though, trying to make us feel bad about ourselves etc etc.... I am not saying this is happening with Jenny and Lidea, but just in general. We have read many posts of verbal abuse given from the partners of CDers to the CDers. Just as WE the CDers need to put our lives into perspective and realize what is most important, so to do you the partners need to not be at war with IT. IF we are really that bad, or it is so bad, then by all means leave and go find the "real man" of your dreams. WE didn't choose this, it chose us.