Inner criticism and motivation to get and stay out

[Aleca]

I have been out of the closet 3 weeks now, motivated by participating in a Trans Pride March and a Pride march but mostly by a lot of kicking in my rear. I read books like Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps, Depression and Anxiety workbook, Anxiety & Phobias workbook, every night before bed. I have been out to three grocery stores, coffee, the library, post office, the Mall, bookstore, three support group meetings, three Codependents Anonymous meetings,all neighbors have seen me now, no questions, no extended stares, no laughing...oh and daily morning walks and visible to my entire neighborhood working on my a/c. Four decades of in the closet helps provide motivation but even so in getting out I have had to push myself through constant anxiety, sleeplessness and some 14 panic attacks in three weeks. I have learned to critique hard. I keep telling myself: that nothing in life worthwhile is ever easy, I don't want to feel like a wanna be later and once again chickened out, that if I am not challenged while out every day then I am not growing. But even so my neighbors have all seen me I still act paranoid around them. for example, earlier this afternoon my neighbor sees me through his window and I still retreat. OK, I am thinking put on something a little more casual and get your rear end back outside.so I do and I'm less self-conscious. I guess I was uncomfortable in the tight tube top I had on but still this guy sees me out everyday and we visited a couple times, had a couple drinks last week. most importantly now I think I have it programmed but I am not going back to get male clothes to finish something I already and I've already been seen.the same neighbor has been good at pushing me. when I told him that I was a cross-dresser I loved his reaction, "so what?!" he said.
Now tomorrow, I know that inner critic will be loud again. It will be 3 days since my father passed away (I have allowed myself back into the closet to grieve) but plan to do a few out and about activities with my black dress and had to stop feeling shame as I know my father would respect me being myself, plus it's my birthday tomorrow and damn it I better look my feminine best outside these walls, so there is a lot of internal criticism that I constantly have to fight but I've been getting through it. there have been times where I didn't want to dress up and didn't like being out dressed up and yet still knew that I had to because it's pretty obvious at this point this is something I want...to be me. So I think right now I have all the right moves and have a pretty good attitude in fighting it and in no way is it easy but I guess it is not supposed to be. next on the agenda list is opening up communication with the wife who does know about my interest, with the do not ask, do not tell policy and get over a lot of denial crap....by all means work hard at it too. A lot of work to get done.

[msniki48]

I wish you well in this journey, and I hope that each step you take forward leads to less anxiety, further pushing you ahead.

wish i had your strength

hugs

niki

[Aleca]

thanks Nikki and a hug back. I live in an LGBT friendly community, Albuquerque. yet still no one can make me do anything I have to do it all myself but if I were trying to do this and say, a place like rural Oklahoma I would be far more cautious, far more closeted.it does take some guts and indeed does take some advantages to give myself a crutch. like also being semi-retired

[Karen RHT]

It takes a lot of effort, understanding, and goal setting, to achieve "balance" in one's life. Congrats on your accomplishments Aleca, keep going.


Karen

[Alice Torn]

Aleca, thanks so very much for sharing this! I identify very much, except never had a wife of SO. I have gone to sexaholics Anon , Coda, and Adultchildren of Alcoholics and other dysfunctional families, when i was around Seattle. Here, there is mainly only AA, and Alanon, which i sometimes go to, but my issues are not really discussed. i want to go out this afternoon and evening in Dekalb Illinois, by the university there, very liberal, but anziety, fear, shame, and paranoya are eating at me. Still hoping to go walk around the university lagoon, then go to a city band concert in the park. It is mainly older senior, that go, though, and i know i am watched when i go sit in the bleachers. Hoping to get there earlier, when less folks are there yet. I am always very nervous, and often chicken out, though. I know3 i stick out like a totem pole, and ever time out, is very nerve wracking for me. Your sharing is inspiring .

[docrobbysherry]

Aleca, please be aware that some trans r never comfortable no matter how many times they go out dressed.:straightface:

I'm one of them. I've been out countless times. But, I only feel completely comfortable, free, and happy when I'm dressing alone, in private!:D

[Dana44]

Aleca, Good girl. Yep, do what you want and darn the communication with your DADT wife is probably will take a lot of communication and will by you to get her to be more open. But for now get over your grief of your Father as it is hard I know. Show your wife that you love her and that you have something to talk about. I would say on a Friday night with wine and crackers with cheese and perhaps a summer sausage. We sit on the floor and communicate every week like this and it works pretty well. Maybe even lite a candle or two, to make it romantic.