Struggling to fully come out

[DaniF]

I am at a point in life where I don't know what to do...family won't understand who I am in my picture...neither will my community or significant other....I am more comfortable as Dani than anyone...please help me with advice or I may not make it through the week 😟

[Marcelle]

Hello Dani,

Firstly I am sorry to hear about your angst but rest assured you are not alone and many have been where you are now and have survived. However, if you are feeling depressed and are entering a bad place . . . please seek appropriate counseling to help you through and then address the issue at hand . . . your gender identity.

Are you seeing a therapist with training in gender identity issues? The reason I ask is that I have been where you are and it can be chaotic in your mind. A therapist can help to bring order to chaos and lead you to where you will feel comfortable. It may be you are CD or you may be TS, that is the journey and a therapist can help you. I see by your previous posts your wife knows but I am guessing she is not super pleased? Does anyone else know? This is another reason to see someone as you will be able to discern how deep this goes and who should/should not know. If you are CD then perhaps it is just your SO and close friends or perhaps nobody but yourself. If you are TS well . . . transitioning can be hard and people will need to know.

In the interim, breath . . . read the forum and try to get an understanding of where you are now and where you could be heading. This is not an easy row to hoe but it is survivable as many here have.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Rachelakld]

Even I don't understand - but I accept who I am
My wife & kids don't understand - but they accept who I am

My thoughts - and I'm usually wrong, just be you, but break the news gently (don't go from zero to 100 in 2 seonds)
There will be fall out, but if you don't change it will cause other issues.
Even years on, I still have to dress boyish most of the time, intensly girl for a few hours a week only, family seems okay with that, but I still have to work the relationships with each member of the family as a husband and a dad.

[Mykaa]

I can relate to where you are to some degree Danif. I recently accepted dressing. I dont have your situation. Its just me even though I have 2 kids. I know Ive been asked a few times how far will I go? Im pretty sure en femme in public will be about it. Im happy with who I am. I feel pretty secure. I can say not long ago I said if this is all there is to life, I dont want it anymore. I suppose having an outlet to be yourself is something Im looking for. I know I want someone if my life to share with, yes I want a her. I talk & yes I talk a lot. I think thats 1 of the most helpful things Ive found. I am going through some changes, I suppose its becoming evident Im not the person I used to be anymore, so far I havent heard anything negative. Sounds to me you need more of a happy place than what you have. I find the need to tell pretty strong. I fear losing things from my past life, my friends and friendships. I am what I am & who I am. I know that, I think opening up & not being ashamed is good too. You need this for yourself first I think. I dont know all your situation. I was told awhile back I needed to find a happy place, he always had good advice. He was a coworker where I lost a job of 10 yrs from, little did he know where my happy place is, lol. Sometimes I suppose its selfish, but we need to do for ourselves. If you feel so unhappy, I do agree with Marcelle, go talk to someone and do it asap. Know this, we dont always get things exactly the way we want them in the time we want, but it does happen, things always change and I know it took me a long time to get where I am, but it will get better, big hug Mykaa.

[Alice Torn]

DaniF, i am in a similar, almost same place you are ow, only, i have no SO. Small town , no one understands, family of origin hates me already, but would destroy me if they knew. Church i was with all condemn it, and all LGBT. Depressed all my life, lost all my friends. Just cats now. I do go to the VA clinic far away for once every few months therapist. I wan to go out, as Alice in all my nice dresses, too, but fear, shame, paranoid , and my height scare me. You are not alone. If you can afford a therapist, it is a good idea. I wish i could afford a really good one, and had a support group near. This thing we have, does make life a lonely road. It can take over everything, too. I feel your pain, as it feels like you are from another planet sometimes, and no one understands. I found this site is the only place i can go about this thing. You are not alone, even though, we can sure feel depressed and alone a lot.

[Rachael Leigh]

Dani, it's tough when you have feelings like that and I do understand I'm really only out to my wife and a few not really close friends, I would suggest some counseling first that might help and if you have a friend you can trust talk with them.
I'm not full time but yes there are days I would like that so I hope you find your peace and are able to do what you need to

[Sissy_Michelle]

DaniF,

This can be a very difficult adventure. Because once you set out through that portal. There is no turning back. Support comes in many forms, verbal, physical, and what you can read. I have found the verbal is the best type of support. You can look them in the eyes, see their emotion and facial expressions. Having this type of support on your journey will increase your success. Speak with the human resources department at your job site (not on the phone or e-mail). Ask important questions, they may say "We're a diverse organization" but only you can know the job site's climate. Regardless of what they say... Family? The people that know you best and will be with you the longest. Support yes or no? Friends? Support yes or no? If they don't support you then they were not friends to begin with. And finally... The community in which you live. Have you seen other crossdressers? When you go for a bra fitting do they require you to come in at certain times or anytime that is convenient for you? When you shop for clothes in major department stores are they helpful or do they get someone else to help you?

Only you can answer these questions. And remember your safety and your family's safety is the most important factor. Standing up and doing what you feel is best and wanted is great. Just think of everyone around you that won't know what to say around you anymore. How to act or react to you without hurting your feelings. It will take time, and having those support people that I asked about above will be your biggest ally.

I wish you luck on your journey, in addition stay positive.

@--}-----
Michelle

[Aleca]

My heart is with you and totally understand. Right now dealing with emotions is the most important thing so you can get on with your life. Not being able to be who we are, when we know what makes us happy gets extremely emotional. This repression can cause a great deal of anger to ensue. Inner anger, suicidal ideation and self hatred develops, so can irrational anger develop at the people we think are bringing us down, communication can turn to small talk with family and others. Many handle this by seeking addiction to escape.
I was told my CDing was a behavior of sex addiction (which it can turn into if you are unable to get out of the closet much or at all).pm me if you wish to know more about Sexaholics Anonymous. That helped to settle me down. An affirming church can help too.
It is true what others say here, that we are not alone. Really true, from coast to coast, across the U.S., Canada, the world really(if you see where all the posts come from), from the oppressive feeling small southern communities to even the larger cities that have huge lgbt support. We have to learn to love ourselves, not compare ourselves with others even in the trans community and pace ourselves.

[I Am Paula]

Dani- We've all been there, in your shoes. All the advice here is good, so I'll just add- Never underestimate your family, or community.
I live in a small farming town, and I'm the one who changed sex. No big deal. You cannot predict how anyone will react.

[Teresa]

Dani,
You have jumped your first hurdles, your wife and family know, that's a big step.

I have no idea of your age but without knowing I'm guessing in your forties, I hope I haven't offended you by getting that wrong. The reason why I say that is many CDers hit that spot and feel desperate to come out or move on and be more open and accepted.

I just couldn't stand the closet any longer or as I called it solitary confinement , I came out to my wife but through circumstances spiralled down to the point where I nearly ended my life, so I do know how you feel ! When you reach that point there's only one way to go and that's up and come to terms with your CDing . It can be a lonely road when there's no one to turn to and talk things through, that's where this forum came to the rescue, just knowing other people are in the same situation or maybe worse and then reading stories of some who have been through it and have somehow managed to start to enjoy it . I still say the eye opener was finding many of us are born like it and it's for life, so things had to change for me and looked to counselling for help.
I now know what my CDing is about I'm comfortable with it and don't really care who knows, because what they think or say isn't going to change what's inside my head. We have a need which has to be satisfied its' part of us, not an act just because we wear women's clothes, the look we achieve is part of what we feel inside, portraying a female side.

I didn't expect to achieve it but finally getting out the door and meeting other members of the TG community has changed my attitude to CDing and the acceptance level of my wife and family.

Yes there are still good days and bad but I know I have the forum to turn to and personal contact through my social group.

[raeleen]

Dani,

Everyone has given great advice, and I just want to lend my voice to encourage you to find a therapist or some kind of support group to help you through this difficult time. Being able to work with someone who has experience with gender identity is huge and even being able to just vocalize it and tell someone your thoughts will help relieve some of this pressure and struggle.
Where are you located?Maybe you could post to the forum for suggestions on therapists in your area or support groups?
Take care of yourself! It's so important to focus on you right now.
Wishing you the best, hun.

Hugs,
Raeleen

[DaniF]

Thank you everybody for the advice! I felt really terrible last night when I posted, but after seeing the positive responses and love I do feel better about myself. I will definitely utilize some of the recommendations and see where it takes me in the future :)

[Tracii G]

We all go thru days like you had so you are not alone.
Some have learned to live with it and do the best they can and some struggle thats life.
You don't have to do anything right now this very minute just think before you act.
I see you want to come out but don't think you can so that is an obstacle.
Think what would happen if you did come out and weigh that against not coming out. Whats best for you is the answer and none of us here have the right to tell you what to do.
Don't let the statement you hear like "I am living a lie" or "I'm not keeping it real" or something stupid like that cloud your judgement.

[Judy-Somthing]

I love cross-dressing so much, I cross-dressed with friends when I was a teen and at least six Halloweens with the SO.
I tried to come out to the wife a few times over the years but I was pushed to the back of the closet.
I've learned to be happy with that, rather than let it break up my family.

By the way , you look great as Dani!

[xNicolex]

Hi Dani,

This is something we all think about at some point so your not alone in your thoughts. I was in the exact same place not knowing if coming out was a good idea or not, so I suppressed my feelings to dress for 10 years :( long years of secercy and guilt. Then I decided I could no longer deny myself the need to be me, my whole self. I told my GF and my best friends and finally my family luckily all accepted in fact the only ones that don't know are my brother and sister but thats another story for another day :daydreaming: anyway dani my point is that not being yourself is not healthy you said it yourself your more comfortable as dani you. Dont be afraid to be you dont deny yourself that right its yours just own it girl :)