Wife said she would never had married me!

[Judy-Somthing]

Talk about not coming out to the wife.
I tried coming out five months ago.
She blew up on me tonight, said she would never had married me.
I think it's time for the dreaded PURGE!
I'm thinking of Purging all my hobbies, not just the dressing.
ARRRRRRRR!
I guess this is life at least for some.
She thinks she feels bad, how about me when she says "You're all messed up"
Less face it no one wants to be called "all messed up"
Well anyhow this will be an interesting trip!

[Lauri K]

Well for whatever it's worth, there is likely another couple of hundred thousand guys getting an ear full from the wife tonight saying they never would have married them if they knew that they liked poker, gambling, fishing, shooting pool, collecting panties, restoring hot rods, deer hunting, cigars, hard liquor, porn, etc.

So put things into perspective is my advice.

Oh and never purge, because it will cost you twice as much to replace all your things plus all that valuable time to shop for more.

Time for some very thick skin !!!!

[Toni Citara]

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this stress in your life. I can only say that sometimes things happen in life that lead to better relationships. Hopefully the woman you love and married can accept some changes in a relationship and find a new Dynamic to appreciate.

[Lee Andrews]

Don't purge. Just put it in a box or multiple ones depending on your stash. I did it once, stopped for a year or so and regretted doing it to this day.

[Janine cd]

I agree with Lee. Don't purge or think that you will ever lose the desire to dress. It's a natural feeling that will keep coming back.

[TrishaLake]

This is sad...if you love someone and your married for years, you will both have issues.You need tonight through them and accept! It is too easy to just leave now...In my opinion

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Judy,
PURGE? NOOOOOOOOOO.....
You'll just end up regretting it, and that'll cause more
tension between the two
So she didn't know about your CDing before marrying you.
I'd try to explain to her that she married YOU.
You're still you, that same guy she married, and you're still
completely capable of being that guy.
Then explain that this is something you've done (for however long)
and the only thing that has changed is... now she knows.
Ask her to do some research into CDing, and then discuss whatever she may find.
She may come across some bad info somewhere, and you can give your input as to
wether or not you agree with her findings.
I hope things work out for the two of you.
And you're not "messed up" or "crazy",'you're just you!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[CherylFlint]

The common denominator is the failure to disclose the truth is the same as a lie.
So you lied to your wife by not telling her you were a cross dresser when you first met, so THAT’s the problem.
Good luck with that.
By the way, FYI, all purging does is gives you an excuse to buy a new wardrobe.
Not one of us became “cured” by a purge.
It’s an expensive way to face up to the fact that, once a dresser, always a dresser.
Repressing is not a cure.
Wish you well.

[Valery L]

Leave her. Life is hard enough to be tolerating crap like that from someone who is supposed to love you and support you. It sounds like that marriage is already doomed.

[Rachelakld]

If you want to purge, do not your hobbies or clothes, but purge your marriage.
Many wifes except us and if you can't find a nice wife, then single is better that being ridiculed.
Sorry you live in the USA where "who's to blame" is the big kicker, instead of understanding it takes 2 to make a relationship.

[Teresa]

Judy,
Please hang in there, we don't know the full facts but the roof may not be falling in as much as you think. Find somewhere to store your stuff .

You know it's not going to go away, long term. I don't know if you've had counselling but it may be the only way to show your wife you're not messed up just wired differently.

At least don't give up on your other hobbies, you can't unbalance your life that much, having nothing left isn't going to help you out mentally.

I do feel for you, lets hope the dust settles and she gives you time to talk sensibly without blowing up. I've been their so i know what it's like .

[Shayna]

I'm not sure purging will help. Your secret is out and you can't put that genie back in the bottle. Even if you never dress again, her knowledge of the fact that you did or you may won't disappear. Hopefully she'll realize you are still the same person.

[JaytoJillian]

Hi, you're definitely not alone. I have had several blow-ups with my spouse over the years, ranging from, "I would never have married you" to "You're sick and twisted." About three years ago she demanded that I see a therapist--her rationale being that therapy would "cure" me. Of course any competent therapist will tell you that crossdressing is not a mental problem, occurs in all societies, has no "cure" etc. My therapist actually encourages me to attend our sessions en femme. In fact she admitted that she is caught off guard when I show up in guy mode. Perhaps going to therapy together or going on your own and sharing the findings could strengthen your position that you are still the person she married regardless of the clothes.

[livefree83]

I'm sorry to hear about your marital troubles.

Many of us can certainly relate and understand.

You did not mention how long you have been married and how long you have known your wife.

She probably is not upset about the crossdressing itself, but rather the fact that you were not honest and open about everything early on in the relationship.

Avoiding the discussion about crossdressing does not seem to be helping either.

Therefore, if you love your wife and wish to continue/fight for your marriage, I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor together.

In fact, to give her some control of the situation, I would say to let her research/choose which counselor to see together.

If she loves you, she will agree to counseling.

It will give both of you a safe zone to discuss and a neutral party to help provide clarity in moving forward, even if that may mean separation/divorce.

Nobody ever said marriage is easy, but in the end, since we only have one life to live, we owe it to ourselves to enjoy the things in life that make us happy.

Good luck!

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone,

Well after slepping on it which it did take a long time to fall asleep.

At this point I'm thinking of just purging half the stuff I'm not very fond of and the rest will go into storage.

I ask her if she loved me and she said "yes but cress-dressing is really messed up, no women would want that"

[alwayshave]

Judy, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Unrelated to crossdressing, my ex-wife use to use that line for any number of things, "If I had know that you would want to watch football with your buddies on Sundays, I would never have married you," etc... The "I would never have married you" was one of her favorite lines. I mostly just ignored it, it was her attempt to manipulate me into doing what she wanted. However, near the end, when I was completely sick of the line, every time she used it, my response was "if I had known that you would become a selfish, sexless, cold-hearted, smelly shrew, I would never have married you." After about ten times, she stopped using the line.

[Tracii G]

Sorry your wife is not even considering your feelings and only hers.
That sucks and its partially your fault for letting her push you around.
This is just me but if her name isn't on the mortgage I would tell her its time she found somewhere else to live for a while.

[Emma or Darren]

I feel for you Judy my wife has just clammed up on the whole situation but told my son the same thing she would never of married me etc etc
Do you have anyone mutual to you both that knows and can talk her round.
Emma

[JocelynJames]

My wife said she wouldn't have married me after I told her. Now, 5 years later , she says that it would have been her loss as this has been the best relationship she has known. Yay!!

[trishacd]

My wife said the same thing,its a shock to them.I told her theres no way I could ever loose the urge to dress. All ot takes is time. I have drawers full of lingere ,I underdress every day,I shave my entire body.When I was in your spot I never pictured how much better things got with time. A lot of times we have sex I wear hose,panties ect. It keeps getting better.The key is dont push it on her.Tell her you wouldn't tell her before you married her but you couldn't stand the thought of loosing her.Tell her you thought with time mayby she could accept it.

[Di]

GG here

DO NOT PURGE THIS WILL NOT SOLVE ANYTHING

Have you explained this whole cding thing to her? It is a part of you and its not wrong.
Your purging might punt it down the line a bit BUT when you hid it ....and you will ... it will be far worse.
Besides you not telling her before getting married she will not trust you at all with you making promises you can not will not keep. As I have never known anyone to purge and stop forever.
Maybe get her some reading material , set up boundries or invite her here.
But you must speak up and not let someone that knows NOTHING about this dictate to you.
Explain to her you have not changed this is part of you.

My advice is coming from our relationship that I think we both love unconditionially and maybe your marraige is not that way?
But how heartbreaking that would be.

But really have you given her the info to grasp this? And if she wants a dadt relationship can you not work out times times that you can dress ( her being away or you going to a support group)
Just do not purge that solves NOTHING.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE....I went back to read your posts and I read you did it when a teen and your wife knew.....work and kids came in and you had no desire and now its back.
i still think you might think of addresing it as I did this for fun as a teen...YOU KNEW....its no different its fun for me and we can work this out where no one knows and I can do at home at pre arranged times so you do have to to see it.

My previous answer because this is a big part of our life together ....but for you it seems to be an occasional fun thing and I still think it does not have to be a big deal.
Best Wishes....you know your wife and relationship I do not ....I hope you can find peace.

[gokatiegirl]

My wife tells me that all the time but she is my biggest supporter.

[ClosetED]

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. Been there several times. Been asked for divorce many times. Society is the one that is messed up, but we do need to live in it. Our solution was to go the a therapist - a few sessions together and we then changed to each going separate - so therapist can work on your acceptance and her education about crossdressers. All I got was a DADT situation (which is being forced to lie to make her more comfortable). And she was put on meds to help her cope.
Hugs, Ellen

[SherriePall]

Wives sometimes say things like that. My wife told me the same shortly after I spilled it all to her years ago. Eh, that was years ago and she is still my wife and I am still her man (who has his own lingerie drawer, full supply of make-up, and enough clothes to fill two closets -- and we're not even talking about shoes!).
She puts up with me to a degree since she has never seen me dressed in any way femme.
Just hang in there and be good to her.

[Stephanie47]

"An elephant never forgets" is somewhat appropriate when it comes to a husband cross dressing. "The cat is out of the bag." "Once the genie is out of the bottle she can never be put back in." Your wife now knows she is married to a man who likes to wear women's clothing. That discovery will forever taint her image of you. So, she would never had married you if she knew you were a cross dresser or maybe would have developed into a cross dresser. Is she willing to throw so many years of marriage out the window? I believe I read in a post that this surfaced after 38 years of marriage. Your stated age on your bio page is 59.

I heard the same phrase from my wife somewhere back near 1983. It's now 2016 thirty-three years later and we're still married. And, we had engaged in some bedroom play with lingerie before we discovered together there was more to me than wearing a nightgown to bed some nights. I will also add there were some really nice aspects to that for her which she did not seem to mind until the word "cross dresser" came to light. "Yikes!" "Egads!" "What will the neighbors think of ME?" "Why is SHE still married to HIM?" Well, it's because I'm still the really nice guy she married.

We had "The Talk." She also added a cravat to her "I would not have married you if I knew you were a cross dresser." Or really if you had developed into a cross dresser. She had made a full disclosure of some of her past which, frankly, has done more to unravel our marriage than any cross dressing. I think it finally sunk in that I was the one who took a chance when we married. I haven't changed at all. She realizes that. She also has come to realize her disclosed skeletons have done more to shake the foundation of our marriage than any of the clothes I have.

So, where are we? It's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." That includes me not modifying my body. I don't shave my legs. I don't grow out my nails. I don't paint my toenails. I don't rub it into her face.

If your wife rejects cross dressing..fine! If she is demanding that you purge any vestige of cross dressing, I suspect she will also remind you that your not the man she thought she married. Are you ready to go through your retirement years with that being thrown in your face all the time?

You need to have a sit down and discuss the matter. Go to marriage counseling IF the purpose is to set the boundaries in your marriage and for HER to get educated about the issue. If the discussion turns into a full blown knock down drag out affair..so be it! Don't cower in the corner.

[Jenniferathome]

...I tried coming out five months ago.

What does this mean? "tried"?



She blew up on me tonight, said she would never had married me....

But you ARE married now. So whatever she or you "would have done" is immaterial. What will you two do going forward?

[AmandaM]

Wow. We all have moments where we regret things. I recently had issues with my menopausal wife going off the deep end. I was pretty upset as some of you know. I decided to take the high road. I told her I didn't want a divorce but if she wants one, we can make it peaceful, divvy up everything and move on. She decided she didn't want a divorce. She's still menopausal, etc. And I'm no prince. But we're still together. In the future if she wants to go, or I want to go, I'm good with that. But, I think that drama has passed.

You need to have talks and discussions with her and/or therapist on how to move forward. The anger she has will kill the relationship if not dealt with.

[Judy-Somthing]

"What does this mean? "tried"?"

I told her that I thought it would be fun to wear a dress.

She said "what the hell are you saying, are you gay, are you a cross-dresser, Your all messed up!"

I reminded her that she knew I dressed up with friends when I was a teen and a bunch of times for Halloween, She said "thats not real life, I would have never married you if I knew"

I asked her her how the last 35 years have been and she said "good for the most part"

I asked her that out of all the husbands you know including me which one would you want? she said I was at the top of the list but cross-dressing is to much to handle.

I do my best to be opened to her when she's ready to ask me any thing about it!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Is she worth it?

Some people might feel that if divorce is the price to pay for being yourself, then why go on being less than yourself?

Perhaps she's the one who's all messed up?

[Jenniferathome]

"What does this mean? "tried"?"

I told her that I thought it would be fun to wear a dress....

Well, this supports my statements that there is no way to hint yourself "out." One needs to have a serious sit down and come out if that is one's intent.

Best of luck to you both

[Rachael Leigh]

I see a lot of beating up the wife here for not accepting this, while I'm sure we would all love for them to accept us, that it's just not always possible for some. Many wives feel that they can no longer respect us once they see us dressed or find out the many aspects of this lifestyle.
I agree with others here to not purge but just remember you are suppose to be her man and not her women.
I find it hard for me at times to recognize this myself

[Alice Torn]

Judy, I am very saddened to here this. I do not know her, or you that well, so any advice from me, driving a car blindfolded a bit. Lots of sound advice on here. I guess have more talks, referring her to this site, loved ones forum, her doing some research, and offering both of you to see a therepist. If none of this helps, and you can't live without dressing, and she stays adamant , as hard as it seems, maybe a separation is best , rather than live in life draining turmoil, and civil war. If after separation, there is no compromise, then maybe divorce. Sometimes, a wise man said, divorce can be the most loving, merciful thing to do, rather than stay in a warzone. I do hope she will be willing to educate herself, or go with you to therapist first.

[Teresa]

Judy,
It does sound as if you need to go through your CDing and decide where you want to be with it , possibly write it down. At the moment it sounds as if you can't explain it clearly enough.
I accept I was born like it, just wired differently, realising that is a starting point because no ultimatum is going to change that . Only you can answer if your dressing changes your sexual preferences, and only you can say where you are on the gender spectrum.. I've had to do that for myself through counselling, I know where I am now so I can honestly put it to my wife. We came very close to a separation , for a few days it felt good but the reality hit and the hurt we both began to feel was too much . My wife realised exactly what the loss of me meant and I knew the responsibilities I was putting on my wife's shoulders.
It's not perfect but I do now openly shop and attend a social group , my family all know and are OK with it.
I hope you can come to a good solution but once sensible talk does start about living lives apart you start to realise what you both stand to lose.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

hang in there Judy and wait for things to settle
my wife said the same thing when i came out to her 5 years ago
while hearing that really hurt and other things like our marriage
was a sham she has come around and is tolerant of my
dressing and our marriage although not the same has improved
a lot since that fateful day i told her about my love of women's
clothes

[ReineD]

I told her that I thought it would be fun to wear a dress.

She said "what the hell are you saying, are you gay, are you a cross-dresser, Your all messed up!"

I reminded her that she knew I dressed up with friends when I was a teen and a bunch of times for Halloween, She said "thats not real life, I would have never married you if I knew"

I asked her her how the last 35 years have been and she said "good for the most part"

It is obvious that she has a definite mind’s-eye-view of what is the crossdressing. Maybe to her, it means being Kaytlin Jenner or a drag queen at a gay pride parade. To her, maybe it does mean being gay (only gay men crossdress because dressing up as a girl means you want to attract men), or having a fetish of some sort (crossdressers dress for sexual gratification and I don’t want to be with a husband like that, I want him to want ME), or perhaps she thinks it also means wanting to become a woman (OMG will he want boobs and a vagina next). At the same time it looks as if she does acknowledge it is something that boys do for fun sometimes because boys will be boys and who the heck can understand their motives ... like dressing for a lark, for example a fraternity that hazes plebes by making them dress like women to walk down Main St, or just for fun at Halloween, but "this certainly does not mean they want to do this all the time".

Note the things I have in parenthesis is what may be going through her mind, not what I believe, obviously.

In any event, it sounds as if she is quite sure of what it means and she made it clear to you that she will have none of that.

But, what if she changes her definition of what it means. What if she comes to realize that there are indeed men who gain a benefit from expressing femininity, and it doesn’t mean they are gay or they no longer find their wives attractive, and it doesn’t mean they want breasts and vaginas permanently (although many of you have enjoyed fantasizing about this).

What if she comes to realize that dressing is a need for you but it doesn’t fundamentally change the role you want to play in your lives or your relationship with her and your kids, nor does it change your sexuality, nor are you interested in coming out to family, friends, coworkers etc who do think of it like your wife and who will judge you (and her by extension) negatively to the point of affecting the way they think about you.

You need to explain what you get out of this to your wife, how you have felt about this all your life and how you feel now, the extent to which you would realistically like to take this, how "out" you would like to be, and also explain what happens to you when you don’t dress. You should read the link in Jenniferathome’s signature link, the letter explaining this to Jennifer’s wife. And you also need to respect that if she becomes willing to accord you time and space to crossdress because she realizes how important this is, you will be willing to respect her enough to not involve her if she doesn’t want to be involved. And in time, she may come to see that the fact that you express femininity occasionally need not affect the quality of the life she has come to know with you, and then she may begin to develop trust that the life she knows and her relationship with you will not change.


Edit
... and if she does eventually come to make concessions, please tread carefully and don't mess it up by immediately ramping it up behind her back. If you want to make some changes, then discuss it with her first otherwise you will risk reversing all the gains you'll have made because she will go back to thinking all the things I mentioned in my first paragraph.

[Tina_gm]

I know most on here are saying do not purge, I am not going to continue that. If you really feel at this time it is better overall, then purge. You are only a few hundred dollars away from a small new wardrobe. If you have something that is very precious to you, well, that is another story, but even still, you have to do what you think and feel is right for you right now

Yes, it sounds as if your wife has some strong and somewhat antiquated beliefs of CDing. Not a surprise given her age. What I am also going to say is that your wife is far from alone. Sadly I believe there are many would be CDers who have wives that feel very strongly about crossdressing, or TG anything and are adamantly against it.

I will also say that many on here have experienced our wives having some fairly harsh initial reactions. So what you are seeing and hearing from her today may NOT be what she will always think or feel. My wife is today not comfortable about it all, but was more uncomfortable about it in the beginning, and I was the recipient of being a "F---ing freak" (she apologized) Today some 3 and a half years later, I respect her and not throw it in her face, it is not a daily subject of conversation, but not off limits either. She is very respectful to me nowadays, and never puts me down about it or has anything much negative to say about the subject.

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone for the support.

I'm not putting my wife down, I was just hoping She would except me at least a little.

Over the last fifteen years or so while my kids were growing up I didn't cross-dress, I had my stuff in a cellar in another town.

I guess I didn't dress was because children are so much fun and take all your free time and if I ever got some time to dress none of my stuff was here.

I read a lot that CD'ers want to dress more as they get older. I'm going to make an effort to get this under control.

I didn't purge but I do want to at least purge half, I figure I don't need 80 dresses.
I put my stash in storage so if I get the urge to dress I won't be able to, My wife has no dresses and her clothes are to small. LOL

One day at a time.

[ReineD]

I'm not putting my wife down, I was just hoping She would except me at least a little.

This takes time, sometimes years, and the countdown starts only after the first real conversation (hints don't count). You've been living with this for a long time. Up til now, your wife thought you did this on Halloween for a lark.



My wife has no dresses and her clothes are to small. LOL

One day at a time.

OK, just a bit of advice. If you want your wife's eventual cooperation, please don't be LOL-ing about the fact that she has no dresses and she put on weight. Try to find some compassion and understanding, just as you would like from her toward you.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm not with the "don't purge" crowd. First of all, if you tell her you will and you don't, isn't that just piling on another lie that will eventually be uncovered? Second of all, if she comes around (unlikely) or you decide you're going to do it anyway (likely), acquiring clothes is half the fun! I routinely donate some and go get some more. Purging doesn't necessarily mean quitting forever. I'm sure she'll point that out, if she hasn't already. If you think quitting is in the best interest of you and your marriage, I say go for it!

[MelanieAnne]

I've never understood how women can claim to love a guy, then issue ultimatums and just walk away. If you love someone, you can't just walk away. You can be hurt, or sad, but you can't just walk away.

[Nadine Robles]

She blew up on me tonight, said she would never had married me.


Dear Judy: Have in mind that your wife is most likely pissed for the fact that you hide things from her, She trusted you with her life and now is finding you're a different person that the one she thought she married, it has nothing to do with cding for that matter... Try to repair the relationship by regaining her trust. Show her that youre being completely open and that you tell her your most intimate secrets for no reason other than you love her. (if thats the case indeed)

[Teresa]

MelanieAnne,

Some people are just black and white , no shades of grey, they are willing to cut off their nose to spite their face rather and admit they're wrong.

Yes eventually they do find they're the losers and have no one to turn to . Stubbornness can lead to being very lonely .

[EffyJaspers]

Rooting for a GOOD outcome Judy. Reading this thread has helped shape the way I see a "in the future likely" scenario play out and all these people's advice.
It's only been two days from my count, so your "black hole of despair" situation could within a week turn out to only be murky. You can work with a murky situation more so than a complete shut out.
I'm younger than you by more than half your age (59 someone said) so I don't know much. I'd advise you to talk to her like the rest, do your half purge eventually (no reason to disappear on her and get her nerves twisted even more), and overall again say try to fill her with a new perspective knowledge.

I wish for a GOOD outcome, because who wants it to only be okay.

[Meghan4now]

Judy,

I may be way off here, but I have an alternate concept to consider. It may be way off, and I do not want to ruffle your feathers.
I have read a number of your posts and seen a number of your photos. I find it difficult to believe that your wife has not been aware of your dressing for a long time. You are far too accomplished and practiced. You even have indicated that you have been dressing at a great frequency (almost weekly) for a very Long time. Maybe some periods with less, but generally about once or twice a week on average for 30 years.

I know what it takes to transform from a rough looking 50 year old man into an attractive cougar, and you do it well. But I also know that we leave behind tell tale signs, or at very least have spent a great deal of "unexplained" time away. Your wife has noticed, and if you are lucky has figured out that you just a CD and not cheating on her. She may have taken the ostrich in the sand approach, and settled in for a reality she can deal with. Now you've gotten more active, and want to break down the closet door. Well you've upset her apple cart. Now she has to confront a shift in reality. No more pretending it doesn't exist. And, oh gawd, why now? Are you leaving, transitioning, gay? Oh gawd, oh gawd, oh gawd! Why now, why him, why me!

Yeah its going to be tough, but with love, warmth, patience, and calm but direct discussion, over time, you can probably save your marriage.

P.S. I am really rooting for you, and if you have 80 dresses, you need to purge. Send me photos, and I'll help you select which ones to loose. In fact if you send those particular ones to me, I'll take care of them for you. Let's start with stuff in a 12 or 14......

[char GG]

There is a "sticky" in the Loved Ones section titled "Now I Like It, Now I Don't". It may be interesting for you to read if you haven't already. Some GG's who love their men flop back and forth on the CD issue when they are trying to understand what is going on. It may not entirely pertain to your specific situation but I believes it spells out some of the turmoil that GG's minds may go through.

My only suggestion to you is don't go to extremes. Don't purge (you already said you weren't), don't give up other things. Have meaningful conversations with your wife and don't beat around the bush by "hinting", etc. Be honest. You know and have known for many years how you feel, she doesn't.

Good luck on your journey.

[Patrica Gil]

My ex said the same thing to me. Exactly the same words were used. When the end came honestly she was looking for an excuse to leave me anyway. Oddly as far as no woman would want that, well that is not true. More than one lady has accepted me for me. More than one lady has bought me something pretty from time to time. Currently my love does encourage me to be the person that is me. Yes she does get excited when I get girly, however she is not the only woman that does. There are women out there that do enjoy us for who we are. More than one lady enjoys going shopping with me. They do like it when they ask, "does this look good", and we are totally girlfriends. After my ex left I told myself I was not going into a relationship without the women knowing about me. Sure some left skid marks, but they were not the one for me.Oddly it took many years to realize, it a person doesn't like you for who you are then maybe they they won't ever like you.
My ex was and still is a selfish person. Oddly my children do enjoy my company more. Even been dressed with them while they visited me.

[Judy-Somthing]

This site should be called (Life of a Cross-dresser).
Every body's situation is a little different but a lot is so similar.

Some people say no hints just come out with it. But if the hints freak her out doesn't that indicate a bad outcome.

Tonight my wife said to me "You know I love you but the idea you want to wear women's clothes made me cry.

Then she asked "What other secrets are you keeping from me?"

Then my daughter walked in and I left the room.

I would love to tell her if I knew the outcome, but not knowing I afraid!

Miss JUdy

[ReineD]

No, if she freaks out initially it doesn't guarantee any outcome. A lot of wives freak out initially. The communication of ideas take time. It's not done instantaneously. Your wife has a lifetime of having built up opinions about what it means to be a crossdresser, that have no bearing on what you actually do. It will take time for her to begin to understand it from your point of view and believe that you are not in fact gay, or however else she thinks this means. This doesn't mean she will grow to love it, but she could eventually acknowledge that you do need to dress, and you do need the time and space to do so even if she is not involved. Please read my post #35.

Yes, it will mean several difficult conversations between you and your wife, and attempts by each one of you to understand the other's point of view and to be thoroughly honest (she will need to tell you all the reasons she doesn't want this and you will need to listen, and you will need to tell her all the reasons you need to crossdress and she will need to listen). If you both love each other and are interested in staying together, then you will find some sort of compromise, even if this translates to you dressing when she plays bridge or visits her mother, or you begin to attend a TG support meeting, or you can store your clothes in the guest room closet, but at least she will know what is going on.

You need to stop walking out when things get difficult. You won't be able to get through the necessary communication with your wife that way.

[EffyJaspers]

I think the "you know I love you but..." and "what other secrets are you hiding from me?" sound really promising in my eyes. She blew up at you and now is confessing her love and telling you this broke her trust. Now in a brilliant strategy build the trust back up (long term endeavour). And if your child(ren) haven't learned it by now with the argument you should probably ease the situation into their mind. Let them know your hurt mom's feelings by hiding it from her this whole time, and that CDing shouldn't be a stigma in their eyes just because mom is majority upset right now right now about it, it's again because you hid it from her.

[Eryn]

The question is if your wife is in love with you, or with an image of what you were at one time. If the former, your relationship will endure, if the latter there will be trouble as soon as something happens that causes you to deviate from that image too far, be it crossdressing, illness, or simply evolving with life.

[ReineD]

if the latter there will be trouble as soon as something happens that causes you to deviate from that image too far, be it crossdressing, illness, or simply evolving with life.

People do change throughout their lives and some couples do grow apart. I don't think this has anything to do with not conforming to an image, since we all change and mature as we age. Who does expect their spouse to be the same person they were on their wedding day. And I also don't think that being ill shatters an image that a spouse should always be healthy. If this is the case, then I imagine the other spouse is unrealistic in addition to being callous, if they divorce because their spouse has cancer or something. This leaves us with the CDing.

While I agree that Judy's wife might have an entirely wrong mind's-eye image of what being a crossdresser means, if she can change her perception she will discover that her husband is the same person he was last week, albeit with an added dimension.

[Chelsea B]

Judy, don't purge! You know you will regret it.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, there is an opportunity to move it forward, to give your wife as much information as she can get, as she becomes ready to hear it. We don't know your relationship, but if you have a happy marriage in other regards, it would not surprise me to think that she may gradually take this in, process, and come to terms with it. After all, you are the same man she has always known.
It's your move!

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks all for you input I do appreciate it.

My son and his GF just started planing their wedding and of course my wife is very excited. If I come out now the term oil it causes would extremely interfere with the joy and excitement of my son's wedding. I know she would never forgive me for that.

I feel I've enjoyed the "Miss Judy thing" in the closet for 35 years I feel at least at this point it would be better to keep Judy in the closet.

[Eryn]

People do change throughout their lives and some couples do grow apart. I don't think this has anything to do with not conforming to an image, since we all change and mature as we age. Who does expect their spouse to be the same person they were on their wedding day. And I also don't think that being ill shatters an image that a spouse should always be healthy. If this is the case, then I imagine the other spouse is unrealistic in addition to being callous, if they divorce because their spouse has cancer or something.

The sad thing is that many people. men and women, are that callous. How common is it for a man to divorce his wife in middle age and marry a "trophy wife?" I see it a lot, particularly with men of means. Women do it too, leading to the "modern" concept of the "Starter Wife/Husband"

[ReineD]

I agree Eryn, but I think the reasons for this are multiplex and are deeper than dumping spouses just because they no longer conform an image. That's an over simplification.

Judy, congratulations on your son's wedding! If you can live with limited dressing, and you think it will be simpler for your marriage overall to remain in the closet, then go for it. But, if it ever blows up again like last week and you reconsider the need to begin a dialogue with your wife, then please come back and read this thread again.

Good luck!

[Eryn]

I agree Eryn, but I think the reasons for this are multiplex and are deeper than dumping spouses just because they no longer conform an image. That's an over simplification.

There are some cases where there is a lot more happening in the marriage than CDing. Substance abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, there are plenty of ways for both parties to screw up and CDing is just the juicy scapegoat.

OTOH, there have been cases where a wife in a supposedly good relationship showed her husband the door because she "can't live with a crossdresser." I find it astounding that a relationship can be that shallow, but apparently some can.

[ReineD]

Yes, there needs to be a lot more education in this country about gender and sexual variance and less politically fuelled media nonsense, plus more tolerance in religions that fan the flames of LGBT ignorance.

But combatting all of this is a pretty tall order.

[ClosetED]

Judy, with great news like that about your son, it is unlikely that your wife would want turmoil either. Maybe this is a chance for good communication and lay down a framework of what is a fair compromise as to Judy-time.
Hugs, Ellen

[Tina_gm]

I think too many here are living in a bit of a bubble thinking how can a wife be so callous or whatever. There is still sooooo much higher of this thought about how transgender is a really bad thing. Not everywhere, but definitely in my area. Just yesterday at a weekend 4th/graduation gathering. The topic came up. One of the graduate friends is studying sexuality and identity. And she was more or less right on the money with us. Finds it fascinating. Well, the reaction from more than one woman was eeeeww yuck.... and shaking their heads in disapproval. Younger too. Early 30s.

It's still out there in strong numbers of non acceptance. What Judy's wife is saying and reacting to is still very very common.

Judy, I'm sorry for your wife's non acceptance. It's not just her, she's in a lot of company. I am not going to join others here about how she is so bad, or don't purge, time to lay the cards down. Etc etc. I would just say take stock of your entire life. Maybe what you have done for all this time might just be the path you might want to continue. I am not saying it should, but for us who are middle age, this is so often are reality. The acceptance and all that we see is often not our train to catch. Today it is different for the millennials
And for those who braved the icy cold waters of yesterday and set their own precedent. Or the lucky few who have the accepting not so youthful partner.

Be good to yourself 1st. Try not to be hard on yourself, your wife, or anyone. Take stock of all of your life. Make what ever decisions based on everything.

[AngelaKelly<3]

I agree with what a few others have said here already, there's likely a huge number of guys who hear their partners say they would never have married them if X, Y or Z.

I don't think you should purge. Don't be ashamed of who you are and don't betray that for someone who isn't totally supportive right now. People still have trouble understanding everything that falls under the trans-umbrella, it's something that just needs time.

[Teresa]

Judy,
I hope the dust is settling a little, your wife has a wedding to look forward to, congratulations I hope it all goes smoothly.

I guess just keep a low profile with your dressing, you still have time to go out and enjoy it some point in the future , I'm the last person to think I would ever step out the door and all in the matter of six months.
Your wife sounds very much like mine, so she will eventually give you enough slack to satisfy Judy's needs. Maybe you don't need as many clothes, I just look forward to my next meeting and if I want to wear something different I will just buy for that, I have a limited budget which is no bad thing, I can't go OTT with outfits which I may never wear.

I'm looking forward to seeing Judy's face appear again , you look too good to hide for long .

[Eryn]

...plus more tolerance in religions....

And there is the head of the nail. I I've not heard of a TG marriage breakup that did not have a religious component.

The last three public celebrations of the murders in Orlando came from religious leaders, and all of them were of one prominent American denomination. Religions are the only significant opposers of LGBT human rights.

At this point, I'm up against the limits of the forum rules so I'll leave it at that.

[ReineD]

Well no matter the cause of the intolerance, it shows there are powerful social forces at play and it is not just because a wife is being callous or unyielding. I think we can all recognize that many of us have deep-seated beliefs about what is right or wrong (no matter what these things might be) based on everything we've ever been exposed to, and changing this is sometimes difficult and time-consuming.

This is why I maintain that if a wife can acknowledge her husband's need to crossdress she needs to be appreciated, and the extent to which she can accept needs to be respected. Hopefully though, a reason the wife and husband married in the first place is in part because they share similar values, and so with many couples, it shouldn't be too much of a stretch to find a tolerable compromise.

[EffyJaspers]

Judy, i laugh to myself on my part.... i just imagined elementary or high school aged children instead of adults. Yeah, so, some time after the wedding you could come out to your son and other kids.

He may be accepting with open arms, but if he or SOMEONE else decides (this could also be a relative that is pressuring/nagging/demanding him or the fiance to say no) you are not welcome to the wedding because of this it would be a bomb in your wife's face and your face, and that would create a possible nuclear strained situation in her mind. "MY CDing Husband just got us kicked from attending my baby's wedding!" The risk is not worth the reward in that consideration.

The risk would also be a selfish act on your part because you came out at an important event to kind of... uh, lay some baggage at your son's feet and making him decide to.... decide. He could not accept it, and since you are tied to it he could not accept you. He could accept it, and pick it up. The size of the baggage you gave him depends on his views of CDing and the world. The baggage could be a silver dollar he can carry with him easily for life, a neat memento to another personality/side of dad. Or the baggage could be be a clunky shaped 25 pound weight. "Why did you have to tell me this now, dad, when you know I've got stress up the wazoo planning this wedding! Why now? Are you telling me because you want to dress in drag for the wedding?!... i mean, dress... in women's clothing.. ... .. why now.... did something happen.. is that why mom was upset???? She didn't know?, you didn't tell her.?..what the F!" and a million more questions and stress [possibly].

Just.... try to help the wife cope and bring better understanding, hopefully get rid of her xenophobia. Hopefully bring tolerance (hunny, i [breathes deeply 10, 15, 20 seconds] accept? that you wear feminine clothing), then hopefully acceptance (hunny that dress looks nice on you), then hopefully joy (hunny, I think we call if a early night and you go show me your new naughty nightie).

And I loved gendermutt's comment on the graduate fascinated by our culture! The ability to explore a social subject without negative bias is wonderful. Like when I learned what pup play is and furries (ppl who dress up in animal costumes) through two awesome articles. These subcultures brought more meaning to peoples' lives and relieved stress or even saved a life. Accepting things you like, having a crowd to join for the things you like brings good feelings in. Happy for places like crossdressers.com or fetlife, etc etc.