Brushed under the carpet

[Emma or Darren]

So brief update Came out to wife not happy
She found panties in wash made statment she wont tolerate my dressing
My sons found my "stuff" (Im honestly not as careless as this reads) I've explained myself to them individually and all seems ok.
I briefly spoke about my dressing to my wife and thought she was opening up to discussion.
Now my oldest son (17) has been amazing to talk too doesnt care what I do im his Dad and he loves me no matter what but it turns out my wife has opened up to him and said if I'm Gay or want to transition we are over.
She feels she may of wasted 20 years and would never of married me if she'd known from the start and said she wont talk to me about it because it makes it real .
Othewise our relationship seems fine but I feel its not healthy to ignore it but dont want disturb the hornets nest so to speak.
Just to be clear Im not gay I find the male form ugly and have never understood what attracts women.
And as far as transitioning is concerned I feel I have found me as I need to be just a little more dressing time would be good lol so no I wouldnt transition
Emma xx

[xNicolex]

Hi Emma

This seems to be a common problem with coming out to partners. Either it goes terrific or terrible. Its great your sons accept it, but your right, ignoring the issue is not healthy and weather you disturb the nest now or later, you best believe you will eventually need to rustle some feathers. My advice would be to sit your wife down and explain to her that you are the same man she married 20 years ago. That you love her and that you are not gay and intend to stay attached to your manhood. If you have been dressing for the past 20 years in secret then its amazing you kept it a secret this long. Thread gentle into the subject and remember it is a shock to her and you need to think of how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Its one thing being a crossdresser and living with the secret, but its an entirely different experience for the spouse who is felt lied to because they weren't told. To put yourself in her shoes think of it this way, the metaphor for marrige here is contract, imagine you were signing a contract that signed over everything you were as a person only to find out that there was a terrible clause in the fine print you weren't aware of. In order to put it back on track you must reassert the trust she may feel has been lost through finding out. Good luck hun

[Emma or Darren]

Thank you Nicole to be honest the crossdressing has only been a few months as it had been supressed from a young age and came out in a massive pink fog thats why I didnt say anything when we married as I wasnt aware myself lol I have explained that to her but I guess the whole thing is currently spinning in her head as big confusion
I plan to take my time and take incredibly small baby steps.
Emma xx

[Jessica1983]

I hope it all works out ok for u and your wife

[audreyinalbany]

Jen, I dunno...this whole 'never would have married you" stuff seems pretty shallow to me. Now, keep in mind I'm a pretty 'casual' crossdresser: maybe dress once every couple of weeks, go out occasionally, but not the least interested in Transitioning. Wife knows but doesn't want to see or be a part of it, but it just seems to me that any woman who would leave you over dressing must not be very committed to the relationship from the get go. Would she never have married you if she knew you spent too much time at the office? Or if she found out you were a vegetarian? Well, okay, if you are on your way to transitioning maybe I could rationalize that she she really didn't intend to marry a woman...I kind of get that...but just dressing up once in awhile? It doesn't seem like that big a threat to her happiness to me.

[Jenniferathome]

...my wife has opened up to him and said if I'm Gay or want to transition we are over.
...
Just to be clear Im not gay ... no I wouldnt transition
Emma xx

Exactly what she needs to know and MUST BE discussed. You can't allow her to fill in gaps that do not exist.

[Tracii G]

Get in there and state your case tell her the truth.
Don't give her the chance to have her friends fill her head with nonsense.

[Roxy]

Hi Emma,
I agree with Tracii, be honest and be your own best advocate. I'm not the poster child for this advice, but I did come out to my wife before getting married. That was almost ten years ago and we are still together. We've had our struggles, mostly with me wanting to be more open about it or dressing more often. But we are still together
Hugs
Roxy

[Dana44]

I agree that you should talk to her. You have feelings and she is denying them to you. That is a typical trait. But you have needs and she does also. You always may support her and she has gotten used to that. It will take a lot of communication. I would have a good sit down talk with her. I would also ask that she research crossdressing.

[Teresa]

Emma,
All this rings so true, I've never heard it said in that way for not talking about it. Eventually she won't have an option, you can only go so long before you need to communicate.

My counsellor tried to break the cycle of me working on assumptions, but it's not easy when you live with a need and can't explain it, at the same time being made to feel guilty because it's something a man doesn't do .

[Mollyanne]

You really can't live this way!!!!! Something is going to happen and it won't be pretty. Confiding in any person who is not directly involved with what we do is not being realistic. Communication and discussion are the keys to understanding and using hurtful or threatening language is NOT helping this or any situation. Some people don't want to hear truth, have preconceived ideas as to how we (the x-dresser) see ourselves when dressed. I too have been in your shoes in a somewhat similar manner. I too was told that if she knew I x-dressed she would never have married me. This is a direct result of NOT being told in the very beginning, it is a trust issue women have. men have it it also. Just be calm (easy to say) and go about your life.

Molly

[nikkiwindsor]

Emma,

I hope you're wife will be open to learning more about who you are and will accept you completely. It took my wife some time (a long time) to be accepting of my gender fluid nature. But, on her own she realized that she loved me regardless and we've actually grown closer together as we share our inner most thoughts with one another.

Nikki

[Judy-Somthing]

I hope things go well for you, I'm in a very similar situation.

[Alice Torn]

I find it troubling, that this kind of thing is happening a lot. If a wife does not own a dress, or always wears pants after wearing a wedding dress, would it not be the same if a husband told the wife, he would not have married her, if he'd know she would not wear dresses? What's good for the gander is good for the goose, and vice versa! Honk! Just have the talk, and hope she is objective, open minded, and maybe open to counseling with a therapist together. If she is totally stubborn, "aint gonna move no way no how", and will not even do DADT, it may be time for a separation, cooling off.

[Barbara Black]

My wife reacted exactly the same. We're still together, but she is still unsure whether I'm gay, or if I want to transition, and it's been years. You just can't force her to change her mind, nor can you assume she has at any time afterward. I know she still is unsure because when we have arguments it's always asked if I am either gay or if I want to be a woman, despite seeming acceptance once in a while with a pleasant comment about my clothes. I doubt she'll ever change underneath the skin.

[Shely]

Sounds so familiar, it could be me. It takes time and talking, don't take too much time to do the talking though. My wife first thought I wanted to be a girl, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you are happy as a man and not interested in transitioning. My wife is still knows i dress from time to time without objecting, but is not at all interested in taking part. Try to have a sincere discussion and Good Luck.