Been having a rough time

[SexySarah0727]

I've been having a rough time dealing with things lately. I know I need to find a therapist, but until I find one I am comfortable enough with I'm hoping I can vent a bit here and get some support.

I'm not out at work and my SO's parents/family are not particularly accepting of a lot of things so she fears telling them everything about me yet. I've been changing back and forth between presenting as male and female regularly, sometimes multiple times a day, to accommodate these situations for years now, but recently it's getting harder for me to deal with doing this.

I've been feeling kind of like I'm stuck between two people that aren't entirely me a lot lately. When I work I have a bit of freedom in what I wear most of the time, wearing girls jeans and sometimes girls shoes as long as they aren't overly feminine, but I'm still presenting overall as male. This is in large part due to the field I work in which is IT and the fact that y entire company is male. When I go to visit my SO's family I have to present strictly as male, as she fears what they, especially her father, will think. Just to give you an idea of the type of man her father is, her best friend just got engaged to his boyfriend and when she told him about it he said her friend couldn't really be gay because he knows and likes him.

Both of these situations are getting pretty hard for me to deal with. I was recently at a clients office, a women owned business and primarily staffed by women, and saw all the cute outfits the women were wearing and was extremely jealous and it drove home the fact that I am not really comfortable in men's clothes anymore.

At the other end, because I'm always making these accommodations and spending so much time and energy switching back and forth its getting hard to make time to be the real me. I don't really bother making time for makeup, because to put it on and take it off while having to switch back and forth so often is just not feasible, and I go without painting my finger nails quite often which I hate. All this means when I am presenting as female I still feel like I'm compromising. I'm also starting to lose some hair which is really adding to the this stress.

My SO is very accepting and we've talked about cosmetic surgery, HRT, and transitioning. I'm not entirely sure how far I am planning to go as of yet, but regardless she doesn't seem to be scared off by any of it. I just can't help but feel like she's hiding me from her family though, which hurts a bit sometimes.

This is all just wearing on me and I'm really starting to find it hard to deal with other unrelated things because I'm already so drained from switching between these two people all the time. It's just making me mentally and emotionally tired and I really just want to be able to be myself.

[Mirya]

Regarding therapists, I would encourage you to find one without being too picky. Since it'll be your first gender therapist, how can you even know whether you'll be "comfortable" with them until you talk to them in the first place?

Go to the web site therapists.psychologytoday.com, enter your zip code, expand the "Issues" category in the left hand pane, click on "transgender" and you'll see a list of gender therapists in your area. Call each of them, and ask specifically if they have experience working with transgender clients. Then schedule your appointment and get going! If it doesn't work out after a few sessions, find another therapist. You can switch therapists at any time if it's not working out. But you won't get anywhere if you keep waiting and doing nothing.

As for your relationship with your SO... you mentioned in your introductory post that you two are getting engaged later this month and planning to get married next year. Don't you think you owe it to her to settle your gender issues before getting married or even engaged? I mean, if you're considering HRT and transitioning, that's a pretty HUGE issue you need to work out beforehand... I don't think it's wise to get married first, and then do HRT and transition afterward, if you're already having these thoughts to begin with. That seems like a bad idea. Talk to a gender therapist ASAP!! Don't make excuses for not doing it!

[Shelby11]

I agree with Mirya find a therapist asap, you can always wear clothes you are comfortable in your secret but over time people will question if you present in male and wear female clothes some will notice it as to getting married post pone talk to your finance I wish I did I told my wife after 8 years together she left three days later all our issues was to me being in the closet I know that now I wish I would of told her when I met her , I know if I had we would of either been great friends today or still together but no heart break I would also have her see a therapist weather your gender therapist or her own, good luck and wish you the best in what you decide

[SexySarah0727]

My SO and I have actually been going to a therapist already and discussed a lot of this both with her and outside of therapy sessions.

She was not specifically a transgender therapist, but was recommended to me by a gay friend of ours and she works closely with a transgender therapist, although I did not feel comfortable when I spoke with her associate directly. We've already been discussing everything and she knows how I feel and what may be to come and we've both seen the therapist separately as well. I've basically reached the end of her ability to help with things on my end, which is why I'm now seeking a transgender therapist.

As far as my SO, knowing these things already, we've discussed getting married and she doesn't want to wait. I don't either as I love her very much, but I also don't want to hurt her. She knows this and says she'll accept me and love me regardless of what gender I present as or what's to come.

I know I haven't made any type of definitive decision yet, but my SO adamantly wants to help me find out and be part of my journey. I've been very open with her about all this since we started dating. I told her pretty much immediately about my crossdressing and shortly after started discussing my feelings regarding my body.

I know first hand the damage that can occur from hiding these kind of things from someone you love and don't want to go through/put someone through that again which is why I've been as open as possible, laying it all out on the table right away.

- - - Updated - - -


Regarding therapists, I would encourage you to find one without being too picky. Since it'll be your first gender therapist, how can you even know whether you'll be "comfortable" with them until you talk to them in the first place?

I've been recommended to a few of these sites now, but the problem is they're all only showing me the same few therapists in my area which I've already called. Out of those only 2 have returned my calls so far and one seems promising but can't take me as a new patient right now and the other was a male which I don't entirely feel comfortable with. I'm not trying to be picky, just having trouble finding anyone really. I'm starting to understand from looking into this I may end up having to travel a bit to get to a transgender therapist.

[Mirya]

As far as my SO, knowing these things already, we've discussed getting married and she doesn't want to wait. I don't either as I love her very much, but I also don't want to hurt her. She knows this and says she'll accept me and love me regardless of what gender I present as or what's to come.


That's really great that your SO is so accepting! Have you discussed starting a family together, having children? You wrote in your introductory post that you're 29, so I'd imagine that having children may be on your mind? If so, you should know that going on HRT will make you sterile. Exactly when that happens once you begin HRT is different for everyone, but you should be aware that it can and will happen. You may want to freeze your sperm at a sperm bank.

HRT will also affect your ability to have an erection. It may get to the point where you will be unable to have an erection at all, which may affect your intimacy with your SO. Are you both aware of this, and she's still accepting of you in case that happens? These are the types of tough questions you should go through before you really seriously consider HRT. I hope you have already discussed these things with her.



I've been recommended to a few of these sites now, but the problem is they're all only showing me the same few therapists in my area which I've already called. Out of those only 2 have returned my calls so far and one seems promising but can't take me as a new patient right now and the other was a male which I don't entirely feel comfortable with. I'm not trying to be picky, just having trouble finding anyone really. I'm starting to understand from looking into this I may end up having to travel a bit to get to a transgender therapist.

Yes, you are being picky. :) There's nothing wrong with a male gender therapist. I'm a MtF transsexual, and I've been seeing a cis male gender therapist for many months. I also had some initial reservations about seeing a male therapist, but as it turns out he's a really good fit for me. You never know until you try! If after trying him out you still think you need a female therapist, then yes, you may have to travel. But this is really important stuff that you need to figure out, and worth travelling for! Or maybe you can find a gender therapist online who is willing to do skype sessions or something similar.

[SexySarah0727]

That's really great that your SO is so accepting! Have you discussed starting a family together, having children? You wrote in your introductory post that you're 29, so I'd imagine that having children may be on your mind? If so, you should know that going on HRT will make you sterile. Exactly when that happens once you begin HRT is different for everyone, but you should be aware that it can and will happen. You may want to freeze your sperm at a sperm bank.

HRT will also affect your ability to have an erection. It may get to the point where you will be unable to have an erection at all, which may affect your intimacy with your SO. Are you both aware of this, and she's still accepting of you in case that happens? These are the types of tough questions you should go through before you really seriously consider HRT. I hope you have already discussed these things with her.

We have discussed children, but not in regards to HRT specifically.

Although we both want children, we both already have medical issues that may prevent us from having children altogether. We still do need to have a discussion about it, but there's already a good chance we may need to adopt and neither of us have a problem with that if that's what it comes to. For her it's a genetic issue as her mother had a very hard time conceiving her and her aunt also had trouble and ended up adopting 3 kids and something she brought up to me when we first started getting serious. I've also been on medications that have already messed with my libido and things haven't been quite normal in that respect for a while now but we do our best with what we have.

I'll have to get tested and if I'm not already having sterility issues freezing my sperm at a sperm bank is definitely a good idea. Thank you for bringing that up as its something I hadn't considered previously.