mid life crisis & probably the end of my marriage

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi all.
I'm new to the forum but have been reading lots of these fine posts....very educational & eye opening reading.
I'm at my wit's end basically.
I'm married with 4 kids.
My wife knows most of my history but not it all....i kind of went about doing things the wrong way.
In hindsight the 1st mistake I made was not telling her before we got married all those years ago.
The next few mistakes were getting caught over the years wearing some item of her clothing like tights.
Recently, as things have been building up inside I shaved my full body - chest legs armpits & down below. She was used to me shaving down below but this was a step too far.
We talked/argued.
I was quizzed left, right & centre but couldn't bring myself to tell her I cross dress.....so the way it was left was that "I had a fetish for tights".....Argghhh!
My wife is very understanding so much so that she bought me some tights & I bought some stuff. This was to make our sex life better ... she was making an effort to take on board my feelings (something im not good at).
Rules were laid down....only at home...only together.. so I ended up breaking those rules by wearing 'my tights' around the house.... we're currently not speaking.
I nearly got kicked out of the house....still very possible.
She told me to explain to the kids why I would be leaving.
I have been thinking selfishly of nothing but dressing up fully hair nails make up shoes etc ... I so want to tell her but haven't got the balls.
She deserves the truth and doesn't deserve me.
It's driving me to distraction so any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Sarah Louise]

Hi BayBeeBlue,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're having problems with your wife.

It's difficult to know exactly what you should do, but based on what you've told us, I think you have to find a quiet time to sit down with your wife and be completely honest with her - about everything. From posts I've read on here, more often than not, the things wives and partners dislike more than anything (even the dressing) is being lied to. If you do tell her all, you can explain why it's been difficult to be completely honest. It's not an easy thing to open up about dressing and lay you heart on the line, but in your case you're half way there already.

If your marriage is strong and you love eachother, then there's a strong chance that you'll come through this. You say she is understanding and bought you some tights. That doesn't sound like someone who can't compromise. But do bear in mind that while you'll get lots of opinions on this site about what to do, only you know your wife and are in the best position to know how she will react. Once you've told her everything, you can't undo it the next day.

Whatever you do, good luck.

[Sara Jessica]

Yikes, your cat is halfway out of the bag and looks as if it is about to be strangled by the cord.

I recommend reading into this thread...

www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?241154-Wives-and-CDing-husbands

...keeping in mind there is a fine line between assertiveness and being mindful of the mess you have made and its effect on her.

Only you can decide if coming completely clean is the right choice. I wouldn't argue against it, that's for sure.

[Amy Fakley]

Welcome to the forum, girl. It sounds like you've really backed yourself into a corner.
I'm not usually one to advise anyone to tell, as its such a hugely personal thing, and the consequences can be so dire. However, from what you say here, it sounds like the consequences are already dire.

From my perspective, it sounds like the only way to start to untangle this mess, and to have any hope of keeping your family together, is to pull up your big girl panties and start being very, very honest.

Line up a sleepover or something for the kids, make proper time for this. It's not going to be easy, and it may not go well, and it's definitely going to be a long process. But if you're going to get kicked out of the house ... If you're going to potentially lose your family, have it be for the actual reason, 'eh?

For that matter, she's already trying to work things out and be accommodating about your non-existent fetish. If she's going to go through all of that, she deserves to know the real reason too ... It's like you're both going through a lot of what you'd have to go through if you had just told, anyhow. Why not let that potentially be constructive?

Good luck, girl. I know you're in an awful place. I hope it goes well ... Sending good vibes your way!

[char GG]

Be truthful. Tell her everything. If you still love her, tell her. If CDing is the most important thing in your life, tell her. If your family is more important than CDing, tell her. GG's (as does everyone I would assume) hate to be lied to and deceived. You have dug yourself into a hole and now it's time to dig out or be buried.

If you want things to work with your family, let her know if you are willing to make compromises. If you want to live by yourself and do whatever you want, when you want, then let her know that too.

You sound like you are a responsible adult. You have children. You obviously have built some type of family life. Maybe seeking some outside counseling would help you sort out your feelings. A good start with some open communication would be helpful.

Most adults would rather be doing something else. I would love to quit my job and travel for a living (being independently wealthy without having to work would be one fantasy - winning lottery???), however, we all have responsibilities and can't act like carefree children.

Hopefully things get sorted out with you and your wife before anymore drama happens.

[Tracii G]

Welcome.
Well she seems to be understanding so that is a good thing.
A quiet time personal face to face talk would be a good thing and YOU need to be honest and tell her everything.
I know that sound like a daunting task but IMO it needs to be done so she knows you are pouring your heart out and being honest.
Her feelings are very important and she needs to be assured that you still love her.

[Katey888]

First of all welcome! Quite a first post... :hugs:

You have free will, as does your wife - and life is just a succession of choices for everyone... You've already made one of the big choices: you have growing responsibilities towards your children and family.... You now appear to have made other choices: not to follow the agreed rules with your wife... Argghhh indeed... :)

My feeling: You need to really understand what this means to you - is it a fetish or more? The advice you get here will be coloured by folks' own experiences and motivations... If it's just a fetish (probably not likely) you need to assert that and perhaps just knuckle down to rules and places where it's 'safe'... If it's more than that - and that could be a whole spectrum of possibilities from being an occasional crossdresser with a quirky gender compass (like me) right through to being fully TS, like quite a few folk here, and anywhere in between - you need to properly understand what your motivation is for doing this and what will satisfy it. But that's one tough question...

I would tentatively suggest some counselling, possibly with a generic therapist to begin, but perhaps also with someone who genuinely understands gender issues...

But your first action has to be about at least maintaining the status quo in your relationship and your family while you explore that... and perhaps an apology would be due to your wife, while explaining that this is something that you need professional help with because it is probably one of the more complex personal and relationship issues to understand and deal with. :)

Good luck with it - think of the kids and a bit of stability first before making any more radical decisions, would be my thoughts...

Katey x

[BillieAnneJean]

Yes tell her. SOON!!!!! When the kids are away for a sleep over.

Tell her that you love her and how much you love her.
Reassure her.
Tell her what it is about her that you can't live without.
Reassure her.
Tell her how much you love your kids.
Reassure her.
Tell her what it is about them that you can't live without.
Reassure her.
Tell her that she comes first, the kids next, and you third, CDing fourth.
Reassure her.
Tell her that you are willing to listen to her.
Reassure her.
Tell her that you will compromise in any way that makes her happy.
Reassure her.
Tell her if you are gay, bi, trans, going to dress like or in women's clothes 24/7. any of these may be a deal breaker.
Be honest.
Tell her if you want a typical husband wife relationship.
Be honest.
Tell her about you and CDing.
Be honest.

Good luck.

No there is nothing wrong with being trans, 24/7, gay, bi, whatever. But for her to get slapped in the face with what to her may seem like the end of her world, maybe you need to compromise And Stick To Your Agreement.

[char GG]

Billieannjean has good points.

Not giving her a choice is the matter is cruel. She needs all of the information to make a choice. You need to tell her also what your choice is.

Gut reactions are almost never accurate. Make sure to lay out the facts.

[Teresa]

BBB,
I know there's no indication of age or how long you've been married, also I assume your kids are still school age.

I feel before you go buying anything else you must find where you are with your CDing, it sounds like you are confused by it and it's impossible to even start to explain things to your wife while it's like that.

I guess you've got to stop taking the chances of being caught , that's not the way of sensibly coming out to your wife. OK if it happens the one occasion it's an accident but after that it's going to be read wrong.

If you haven't got as far as full dressing yet and your wife is freaking out over wearing tights you have got a tricky time ahead. Don't do the selfish route , find out the truth about yourself , come to terms with it , accept it then you can start to move on. It will take time, your wife has four kids to deal with think hard before you start doing selfish things, it could end everything .

Your wife deserves the truth when you know it, not before , try not to fall into the trap of not being deserving you are still a husband and father, that's your main role , your wife can't live without that support .

[Jenny22]

Very sage advice, BAJ. Re: telling her SOON ... plan a weekend getaway w/o the kids, and NO dressing. Then have the reveal using your advices. Treat her as you did on your honeymoon.

[LelaK]

I'd just say I have a fetish to look feminine in private. Fetish means strong desire.

[Aleca]

Like most will say here, honesty is the best policy. If you fear you have too much to lose then you might want to be in therapy, counseling, self or with wife for backup. I don't envy you going through this, as gender expression is a part of our lives, so are our wives and equally so. Everyone seems to have a different M.O. to this and that is where therapy to cater to your strengths and weaknesses is very important. If you have been together and have kids, eventually things should mold together and work out o.k., as long as each can learn to have their space.

[jamie-upstate]

This site is from the SO viewpoint it might help
http://www.avitale.com/sotherlist.html

[BayBeeBlue]

Wow!
I'm glad I posted.
Although, I was VERY nervous, it was slightly therapeutic just typing it (getting it off my chest).
I appreciate ALL the advice from everyone. Thanks for the relevant links too...very helpful.
It is good to talk to someone... anyone.
I know this from past experience... suicidal attempt thwarted by simply talking to a complete stranger.
I can see myself hanging out here a lot. I feel like I've made new friends (something I don't really have).
I've got plenty to do now to try & sort this out from the point of view of a husband, friend, father... and cross dresser.
Although, I'm 40+, I'm not the most mature person so I also need to grow up a little too .... breezing through life with a lot of indifference to a lot of things and not being honest to myself or others has me where I am today.
I know I'm not a good person but hopefully, hopefully things can only get better. But generally things get worse before they get better.
Im still confused but not as much thanks to you guys & girls....I wish I had your courage.
🇮🇪✌❤💅💋👗👠👜👙💄🇮🇪

[Teresa]

BBB,
Don't look at it as not having courage but more to get your life back on track,CDing is not the end of the World, you have a need like the rest of us here it's just finding a balance with that and your wife and family.

Please don't be afraid to seek help if you can't do it alone , my wife refused to be involved so I had no choice . I hope you remember the stranger , I came close to ending my life twenty years ago , I refuse to go down that road again so I had to attend counselling to find myself. I'm so glad I did , because I would have missed out on three lovely grandchildren. Try and find enough strength to help yourself , your family will come round and accept you , I didn't expect mine to but they are all OK with my cding now, my wife chooses not to see me but accepts my need to meet others socially , I've assured her that it's not to hook up with other guys, she knows I'm bi-gender and only interested in women.

[sometimes_miss]

the things wives and partners dislike more than anything (even the dressing) is being lied to.
You know, we keep hearing that, and seeing it written here. And yet, marriages survive all kinds of lying. We apologise, bring home some flowers, maybe tickets to a show she's been really wanting to see, grovel a bit, and take extra special care for a while to be extra nice. Eventually things return to normal.

What they have more trouble surviving, is crossdressing. I really believe that it screws up the sexual attraction that women have for us, and once that's gone, the marriage is pretty much over, because it changes the dynamics of the relationship forever. Some manage to keep things going, but I think in most cases, the relationship is simply never going to be the same. It just seems like something that most women cannot get their head around. With rare exception, they don't seem to be able to find a way to be happy about us doing it, no matter how much we feel the need to do it, or how miserable we feel when we can't.

[OCCarly]

You may want to consider seeing a therapist. There are two possible outcomes: 1) You are a heterosexual crossdresser, and the therapist explains this to your wife, as well as your need for an occasional "vacation" from the manly stuff. Your wife understands and your marriage improves. Just a guess, but based on what you said, you probably end up with a DADT relationship. Or, 2) You are transgender, and this is not necessarily the end of your marriage or your world. I had to start hormone therapy for the psychological benefits -- I had been suffering from anxiety my whole life, anger issues since puberty, and panic attacks for the last ten years, and hormones pretty much fixed all of that. Being on hormones also enabled me to put the men's clothing back on without going to pieces, and "butch up" when my wife needs me to be a man, and when I have to go to work. It is not an optimal situation, but it is far better than the place I was before.

[Dana44]

Welcome to the forum Baybeeblue, communication is the most important word in the human language. So tell her the truth and that you love her, but have this issue. Remember that she loves you and she deserves to get the truth. And indeed if you and her agree on rules, don't break them. So tell her and work it out. Read the sticky notes on telling her and follow them.

[Sarah Louise]

What they have more trouble surviving, is crossdressing. I really believe that it screws up the sexual attraction that women have for us, and once that's gone, the marriage is pretty much over, because it changes the dynamics of the relationship forever. Some manage to keep things going, but I think in most cases, the relationship is simply never going to be the same. It just seems like something that most women cannot get their head around. With rare exception, they don't seem to be able to find a way to be happy about us doing it, no matter how much we feel the need to do it, or how miserable we feel when we can't.

Well that's not the case with me. I don't believe my marriage is "pretty much over" or a "rare exception". Genuine question, where do you get this belief from, other than your own experience and why do you believe your experience is more common than mine and many others? Of course, it could be that the vast majority of those where it goes badly don't post or give up posting on sites such as this one. No one really knows, but I'm not convinced that those who have a bad experience go and hide in a hole somewhere.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi BBB and welcome.

You've found relief in writing down your fears and telling us about your situation, so keep doing it- it's the least costly form of therapy, and it's a good way of helping to see the reality of your life- we're too good at kidding ourselves and you're not alone in finding it hard to express your feelings. Many of us are raised to keep up appearances at all costs and not to own up to feelings, even to ourselves.

Nor are you alone in having a desire to express your feminine side. It isn't illegal, and I promise you that it has always happened, in every society, and it always will.

Since our primary function is to reproduce, to perpetuate our species, females are wired to look for the nearest thing to an alpha male that they can find. In theory this maximises their chances of security, both for themselves and for their children. The paradox is that a guy who is in touch with his feminine side is likely to be an even better father and husband, as he is good for more than just throwing spears and seizing the driest cave. He can empathise with her better, and is likely to be kinder, gentler and more sensitive to the needs and feelings of those around him. He may also turn out to be rather better at interior decoration than wrestling, or good at both.

The problem is that many women have bought into seeing men in the role of macho provider, Tarzan to their Jane, and even if these days many women wear trousers and have jobs, they still think of males in traditional terms: grey, reliable, dutiful providers.

So no surprises when the sight of us in pink bows and frilly panties shocks the life out of them. Suddenly 'we're not the man they married' and 'they didn't sign up for this' and 'what would the neighbours say'.

The irony is that we are the man they married, they did sign up for this (for better, for worse...remember?) and who gives a flying frisbee what the neighbours think anyway?

All of which does nothing to alter the predicament you find yourself in, though your wife is by no means at the most extreme end of the disapproval spectrum.

But she does feel that she has been deceived, that her alpha male isn't as alpha as she was led to believe, and this is where you need to focus in getting things back on track. Others here have advised you to seek counselling, especially as dealing with feelings isn't easy for you, and I agree that you would probably find it very helpful- though much depends on finding the right counsellor or therapist for you.

Again as others have advised, try to buy time while you sort things out in your head. Ask your wife to bear with you, not to act hastily, reassure her that she is the most important thing in your life and that you wish for nothing more than to keep her/your lives stable and secure. While agreeing that truth and honesty are vital to a healthy relationship, blurting out your desire to dress like a woman is going to land like a bombshell and you need to have your ducks in a row before having that conversation.

Meantime find outlets for your boiling feelings, here, with a counsellor, by physical activity, any way you can. Be the best you can in terms of fathering and husbanding, and lighten up on yourself- you're a kind, thoughtful person who's simply a little out of his depth, and you want to do the best thing for everybody.

You're ok.

[LelaK]

I no longer trust seeing therapists, because I heard that 60% or more of people who see them end up getting divorced anyway.

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks again to all for really great advice and insights.
My wife came to me to make peace as she couldn't stand the silence...we chatted....and kissed & made up.
As I mentioned in 1st post she thinks it's a tights fetish that I have...so I haven't changed that yet....there will be a right time for that soon hopefully.
Meanwhile I did tell her that all i could think of when we weren't speaking was to put stuff on...she appreciated my honesty.
So in my opinion - a little progress.
In relation to counseling - where I live I don't think they are professional enough to deal with certain issues and also there is my paranoia of my files being passed to the wrong person or being lost or something....and it's a small country....sometimes a little backward.
Last night she said she would let me wear stockings....not tights...only because as she said "..it's too hard for me to get at your junk with tights on..."
That would've been grand - only I fell asleep on the couch after some beer.....oops! ... there's always tonight.
She also reiterated the "rules" issue and that she needs me to tell her something nice about her everyday and to make more of an effort overall.....I'm gonna stop typing for a while....be back later. Xxx

[giuseppina]

BayBeeBlue, breaking confidentiality is considered professional misconduct and therefore a reportable offense (to the relevant regulatory agency) for regulated health professionals. People can have their license to practise revoked for that sort of thing in North America and probably elsewhere. The only exceptions involve threats of harm to oneself or others.

I don't really expect an answer to this question, but have you been diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder by a psychiatrist? The way it was explained to me by mine is, "once fact enters the equation, paranoia is forthwith disqualified as a diagnosis." It can also be fact based distrust based on past traumatic event(s). I'm sure there are other causes of distrust. It might be a good idea to investigate what may be behind your feelings. It seems to me they are causing you some distress, and that can't help but cause issues with your wife.

Lela, people who are happy in their relationships generally don't need a counsellors help for very much. The only thing a counsellor does is give their professional opinion of the issues facing the couple and the feasibility of them being resolved or mitigated.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

BBB- the more I hear of your wife the more my respect for her is increasing.

I think that if you handle this very, very carefully, and above all don't rush her, she has what it takes to absorb your 'quirks' into her life without losing her (obviously considerable) love for you.

LelaK's statistic may be true, but who's to say that without the counselling the stat wouldn't be 76%?

Marriage counselling is one thing. I'm recommending counselling/therapy as a way for you to learn more about yourself and learn how to acknowledge and deal with your feelings- personal growth as a tool kit, in hope that thus equipped you'll be better able to service your wife.

Sorry, couldn't resist that, but you know what I mean.

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks Nikkilovesdresses.
I don't know whether it's something in the air or because I'm actually seeking help from and talking to you lovely ladies/people but things - as little as they may be - are moving mentally & physically for myself & my wife in the right direction....or at least in a more positive direction.
I was never able to talk or express much about my feelings regarding anything but of late I find myself in a better place with my wife.
Last night and again this morning my wife offered me to put stockings on......I declined gracefully. She wasn't upset - nor was I but we did discuss a lot throughout.... which was kind of weird for me but therapeutic and relieving for both of us. I still feel bad about not being able to tell her my real desires for dressing up but I'm playing all that by ear and taking my time with it.
As suggested by someone earlier in this thread that I need to find out where I am in relation to CDing before I can explain or express it to my wife.
RE: my paranoia - I've always had a sense of paranoia about me, I've suffered from depression on and off, I've attempted suicide, I've lost a sibling to suicide, I've suffered being badly treated at work, I've done drugs (all sorts) throughout my life and I'm sure I've left some stuff out but yeah the paranoia thing.....I was once told by a so-called psychiatrist that "if you think they are talking about you - they probably are".....great help!
So as you can all probably guess from reading I'm just a tiny bit messed up at the best of times.
Sorry for ranting.
Don't really know where I'm going with all this.
I think typing is my new therapy.
I have my eye on a French maids outfit that we joked about buying before for her (but really for me too) but I can't help wanting to get it and get it on me to have a day to myself - wife & children free - to see for the first time what I would look like and how I would feel all transformed.
I have started to look at make up online and size 10 (not-so) high heels.
Yes, it's official - I'm nuts. Haha
👗

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Your SO is probably puzzled at your refusal (so far) to take her up on the stockings offer.

Can you pinpoint exactly why you haven't?

Is it because you know it's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what you'd really like, or is it something else? Simple shyness even?

When I was 20 I had a sexually adventurous girlfriend. For her 21st her sister gave her black pure silk stockings and a matching garter belt. They were a huge turn-on for us both. The next morning I got up before her and put them on, then got back into bed. I knew I was taking a chance, but to my relief she got really turned on...it all ended happily ever after.

It may be that your SO is actually excited by the idea- she may actually be more kinky than she's let on... or indeed than she had previously realised.

Don't overthink it- you've got a pass, use it.

Paranoia is a strong word, an extreme word. Try thinking in less dramatic terms. By choosing to imagine the worst possible outcome in any situation, ok, you're prepared for disaster, but you're also reinforcing your own fears, burdening yourself, and possibly even creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Your wife is offering you a no-strings attached (well maybe a g-string attached) opportunity to live a little, to boldly go where you ain't never been before. She is acting from the opposite end of the spectrum to paranoia- from confidence and trust. She deserves your best, and operating from a place of paranoia is definitely not you being you at your best.

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi Nikkilovesdresses.... thanks again for you insightful words.
My SO told me she thinks I look sexy in the stockings....I'm getting into bed after work and hope for the best.
I don't know why I haven't yet....I think you hit the nail on the head with your guesses. A little bit of everything.
She said she doesn't want to feel threatened by it all ...so I just have to take everything on board from her point of view and balance it my own feelings and go from there ... one leg at a time.
I've got nobody to thank but you girls ... I feel so at home here it's mad. I feel like myself here....and it's becoming part of my relationship....hugs + kisses to all here.
❤👗 That's for you Nikkilovesdresses

[ChristinaK]

I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't recommend that you tell your wife until you get help from a counselor and take enough time to feel your wife out on the issue. Maybe discuss what's going on with the bathroom issue and find out how she feels about CDers.

Once you tell her, there's no turning back. You need to have more Intel before you plan your battle.

I once read an.article by a Psychologist about cheating. He said not to say anything as it does so much damage. What would you gain by telling? To get it off your chest at the expense of the other. If asked, that's different. Don't lie.

To completely open up is huge. Be ready. You may not like the result.

Feel her out and get that intel. Meanwhile, don't do anything that's going to get you caught.

[ReineD]

She deserves the truth and doesn't deserve me.

I'm typing this only after having read your first post. I'm a genetic female. My SO identifies as transgender. He dresses only occasionally (his choice .. once every month or two), with my full support.

The first part of your sentence is true. The second part isn't. Of course she deserves you, you're the father of her four children!!! And you've no doubt been a loving husband all these years. You must have been, else she wouldn't have tried so hard to accommodate your desires when she thought it was a pantyhose fetish.


As to what to do? Let me try to reverse the situation. Please run with me here.

Suppose your wife had a secret that she was either ashamed to tell you, or she thought that telling you would cause you to leave. Let's invent a secret and make it pretty serious. Suppose she had had a child out of wedlock and had given it up for adoption, but now the child had found her and she wanted to start a relationship with the child. Or if that's not bad enough, suppose she had gotten pregnant all those years ago because for a short while in college, she had been a call girl (I actually knew a girl who put herself through college that way. She made a fortune). And suppose your wife kept seeing the child behind your back, or you'd notice that money was disappearing from your account, but your wife kept coming up with excuses as to where she was and where the money was going.

How would you feel if she continued to hide the truth from you. What sorts of things would run through your mind? How would you feel if she had made the decision for you that you wouldn't be able to take the truth. Wouldn't you be upset that she didn't trust you enough to tell you? Because in your own heart, you know that you love your wife enough and you know you'd want to work through whatever was bothering her. You might not be happy about the fact she had been a call-girl and now there is this child to take into account, but this would not make you run for the hills?

Your wife, (I believe) is sensing that you are not telling her the whole story and this is likely what is infuriating (and scaring her) the most. Or maybe she thinks that you are more interested in a fetish than you are interested in her. This would greatly upset any wife! So please sit her down and tell her everything. Try to reach into yourself and bare your soul ... your fears, your shame, the whole thing.

Jenniferathome has a pretty good letter she wrote to her wife when she told her. You should have a look:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?149851-I-told-my-wife!&p=2428087&highlight=#post2428087

That said, it will be more difficult now because your wife has already started making up her own stories about what's going on. So you will need to let her know repeatedly that you love her, that you don't want to live without her, that you want to continue being her husband and a father to your children, that you are a great deal more into her than any pantyhose or bra, but you just feel this urgent need to dress and that when most CDers suppress those feelings (because they feel if they are open about them their wives will leave), things come out sideways. Try to find some resources online to show her, but pick your resources carefully. Most websites are about transgenders who identify as women and want to transition.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Glad you've found support and some help here BBB - or may I call you BB?

If she finds the thought of you in stockings sexy, 1000 cheers. Try it a few times, let the dust settle, then ask her on hindsight how did it feel? - though she might have made that clear without any urging. Basically, if she looks like she's having a good time, you're ok. I guess then you can say something like, 'Ok, that seemed to work for both of us- what do you think about taking the dressing up a little further- would that be too weird?'

Hopefully she says, 'What did you have in mind?' Though what you say next is tricky.

You know, of course, that the safest thing to do is enjoy the stocking-sex, and keep the further desires to yourself...but since when did any of us opt for an easy life?

[mickynylons]

BayBeeBlue, I can appreciate the position you are in. The best advice I could give is to have a sit down and be honest with her. If you want to keep some facet of crossdressing, let her know of you fondness for wearing hosiery and nothing more. It sounds as if you'll need to concede on other desires to maintain the marriage. When I came clean about my love for doing some "minimal" cross dressing, I eventually was questioned to why I had to wear nylons so often. My response was that I like too. Sort of just like girls enjoy wearing flannel shirts I guess. All I have to do is buy my own and not wear hers and everything is fine. Trust me, I'd love to go full blown with the CD scene, but sometimes it's just best to enjoy the privilege of what you are "allowed" to wear and not push the limits.

Now if your convictions are so strong that you find the need to go full blown into the cross dressing scene, then perhaps asking her to go to a counseling session with you may help her acceptance of it. I see one major obstacle though and that is your children; of which I can only say keep it in the closet until they leave home.

Best thing that ever happened to my marriage was when I went, by my own accord, to a counselor about my desires. Both the Counselor and Psychiatrist at the practice both told me that it was perfectly acceptable and normal for me to wear pantyhose. I was so excited about that news that I actually brought my wife to my next appointment where she had a brief one-on-one with the counselor. She came out feeling much better about my desires.

And this quote by Nikkilovesdresses pretty much sums it up: "You know, of course, that the safest thing to do is enjoy the stocking-sex, and keep the further desires to yourself...but since when did any of us opt for an easy life?"

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks again to all.
Thanks Reine for your valued (genetic female) opinion....much appreciated....hope MY wife isn't on here! 😀
I'm gonna go with the flow taking EVERYTHING I've learned from you all on board.
I'll be checking in daily (as usual of late) to stay in touch with my new girlfriend's.
✌❤👗

[TrishaLake]

I think Billy jean had great points....as most of the ladies said here start with honesty, be patient and if you love her try hard.

O the below comment about Therapist, I am not sure they are there to keep you married, they are there to speak to , be honest and get feedback and to improve upon yourself. For a marriage to last, you and HER need to want to stay together, improve and make it last.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

BB, You started this thread with the title 'midlife crisis & probably the end of my marriage'.

Is it safe to say that both statements were overstatements?

How might you rephrase the thread title now?

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi all.
I don't know yet if I would change the title of this thread just yet......if I did it would probably have the word "Frustration" in it somewhere.
Busy with work, DIY, gardening, parenting, etc, etc. Not finding ANY time to myself......which is the norm, unfortunately. My wife never really leaves the house and if she does its only for an hour or so and leaves at least one of the kids with me.
So, if I wanted to dress - I can't.
Although, one of my more sedentary kids was home ....I told him I was going in for a lie down....I somehow managed to get foundation on and lipstick. - THATS A FIRST EVER FOR ME!
I put on "my tights/pantyhose" with my wife's sexy knickers and matching bra....I then found an amazing tightly hugging dress belong to my wife....I felt AMAZING .... for about 15minutes.....then it all had to come off again.
We haven't spoke about it in a while now.
We haven't been sleeping together much either between one thing and another.......kid in bed at night and sometimes when I work days I sleep on the couch/settee so......
Arrrggghhhh! Frustration! 👗💅💄

[CONSUELO]

Hi Baby Blue,

First welcome to this site and my best wishes to you during this time.

I believe that the starting point to sorting all of this out is YOU. I sense that you are not really sure of yourself and the importance of cross dressing in your life. Perhaps you could consider getting some professional counseling, first for yourself and then for you and your wife. I'm sure she is very worried right now as she is probably confused about what your are and what you want. In the meantime do a lot of reading here on this site where issues such as those you have raised are discussed at length in various threads

Best wishes

[Alexa CD]

I honestly think you may just have to get a hold of yourself, control your urges, you're not a primitive being acting on impulse. You're going to break up with your wife and throw out your family for lipstick and tights! Seriously. You married that woman and had children with her, you made your bed, sleep in it.

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks Alexa.
Very true.
Cruel to be kind.
Im just venting my frustration, I suppose.
And I seem to be using this site as therapy at the moment. I don't have anyone to talk to or vent to.
I hope nobody minds.
I am trying to control my urges too.... I just think that it's getting harder to resist.
Purge purge purge

[Alice Torn]

Bay Bee, I am like you, know one else to vent to or talk with about this, other than this forum.

[char GG]

Just a suggestion: Don't wear your wife's clothes.

[BayBeeBlue]

MAYBE I SHOULD CHANGE THE TITLE OF THIS POST.....but I don't want to jinx it.
Since posting this initial post my life has changed forever & for the better.
Thanks to all here for their support/advice/understanding....but mostly thanks to my wife who HAS accepted me as a CDer but doesn't want to label me as that.
Currently I am allowed to wear tights and knickers around the house under my man clothes during the day. When we go to bed I will judge by her mood whether or not I will take them off.
She told me the other morning that my ass looked very sexy in her knickers....wow!
I also told her about my tucking - her only concern was that I should look up if any damage can be caused from doing it....wow!
After a recent argument she roared at me that I could do what I had to do "... wear what you like... All my clothes are there...and you can put make up on too..."
She notified me that she would go out the next morning and would out for a while and that she would text me in advance of her return......so I was very excited and prepped myself that night by washing and shaving.
She went out....I went straight to her wardrobe and took out some outfits that I wanted to try.
I sat on the edge of the bed in lingerie and started to do my nails(1st time ever) & toenails. Then I said to hell with it I'm going to attempt some make-up.
I did....but as it was also my first time ever it left a lot to be desired.
But one thing I did notice was that I felt unreal whilst doing it and having that time to myself.
No sooner had I my make-up done and finally chose what to wear I received a text saying "on the way home now" a 20min car journey.... Arrrggghhhh!!!
So anyway....could I find nail polish remover....No.
She arrived home to find me in the garage trying to remove the Polish with white spirits & petrol...which by the way Does Not Work.
She sighed at first and didn't seem too impressed but was willing to help me remove it.
We have been a lot closer too lately but that can get marred by a simple mood change or circumstance.
I'm hoping for more me time real soon.
She also recommended that I should go to a CD friendly club or service to see how I would feel.....not sure if she was joking or not though so will play that one by ear for now.
Counselling has veered of the road of CDing slightly and has gone on different tangents in my past i.e. parents, childhood, etc. I want to get it back to what I'm there for although I know that it is all linked in some shape.
I may have looked.like a man in a dress but I have never felt more feminine in all my life.
So to round things off I'm glad I posted this post and I'm glad somebody(like all of you) took time to listen & help.
It really is appreciated.....I can't say that enough. 💅👗👜💋

[char GG]

Glad things are going well for you.

I understand that your wife said to try on her things but to avoid problems related your wife's clothing
Just a suggestion:
Don't wear your wife's clothes.

[CONSUELO]

Dear Baby,

There is a certain frantic tone to your posts and that makes me feel concerned. If you are going to a counsellor, stay with it, even if it seems to be going off on a tangent right now. Keep talking to your wife and try to dig down and understand what it is you want from her. it seems to me that you are just a cross dresser and that you feel fulfilled when you have the chance to dress and put on makeup. That is perfectly OK. Most of us here want the same thing but do slow down, take the counseling seriously, talk calmly with your wife abut what you are feeling and listen to her and understand her needs in this relationship. Also see if you can dial down some of the extraneous pressures in your life. From your description it sounds almost manic.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi BBB:hugs:, Tour story has sure taken a turn for the better.

Do your self a favor and just don't overwhelm her with this program...:daydreaming:...

[phili]

Tons of good advice above- I'll just add that the bottled up feeling is from being denied/denying ourselves something important and necessary. Even a little bit of release lets the steam out of the pressure cooker before it explodes- i.e. you do something stupid like create a crisis in your marriage. Your wife obviously loves you, and loving her means you have to work with her perspective just like she is trying to work wit yours. Our problem as CDs is that we had to wait 40 years or whatever for the critical point to be reached where we HAVE TO start growing up the right way and acting more in accordance with our inner feelings. It really helped me to first of all just tell the whole truth- this is what I want to do and I do understand it is weird. Then I acknowledged that I understand it turned my wife's world upside down. Then said I am trying to be methodical about getting to the bottom of it. I'm going to put on this dress now and try to understand what the heck is going on, and I would really like your help. That didn't appeal, but it gave her a place to observe - to take part in the experiment vicariously.

Your wife probably has researched it enough to get that it is persistent, and complicated, and diverse, so there is hope- and the problem is more one of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet. So the idea of going slow is so her eyes get used to the sights, the new thoughts, etc- recognizing that as your spouse she wants to try to help/be with you, etc. It is our job to remember that marriage is a partnership and the point is to help each other have your legitimate needs met. Crossdressing is a legitimate need- but we have to keep it legit- not let it dominate our lives, displace everything, etc. We have to take the long view- and meter our time in the pink fog. Just like we would man up and set aside our favorite pastime to get to work on time, or fight a house fire, we have to man up and manage our desire for crossdressing. My recipe is to give myself time for full frills, and realize it is personal. I enjoy it, but don't expect others to, since they mostly won't. But when I accept myself and came out fully to my wife, I find I can be more accommodating to others, since I m no longer a closet case getting more and more desperate.

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks for the input folks.
Just to clarify a few things....
I am taking counselling seriously.
And I understand that counselling goes off on different tangents/aspects of my life which I have no problem discussing with the counsellor. I do have other issues that needed to be discussed...some are related directly others are indirectly.
I am talking to my wife more and more openly. I know that it's not at all easy for her as her mood/opinion changes like the weather.... So I'm dealing with all that too....even when she belittles me and makes me feel inadequate, inferior, etc.
I am trying to take it slowly - but not easy when I've been dealing with my issues for over 40yeats now....all alone....until now .... So this may be why I appear to some as being "frantic".....I'm not apologising for that - that's just where I'm at at the moment.
I am man enough to get on with life -the day to day stuff etc but I now feel at this point for the first time ever that I am able to touch base with my feminine side in a more healthier way than ever before.
In relation to wearing my wife's clothes....if she offers it to me I will wear it until I get my own stuff.
That will be an interesting chat if/when we discuss buying my own stuff.
Anyway, one day at a time.

[BillieAnneJean]

I think it i a BAD idea to wear or use any of your SOs clothes, shoes, undies, makeup, anything. It takes the issue of CDing and combines it with invading her personal space.

Not a good idea even if she says it is OK. Don't do it.

[Patty B.]

BBB You have some very serious choices to face. I know first hand what happens when you open up to your wife. It may go well or be a complete disaster. If it goes bad, you stand the real chance of losing all. If you live in a rural area you your name will be dragged down, may not see your children, support, alimony even job loss is a real possibility. Even trying to find a lawyer in small towns can be difficult because when you tell them why the divorce is taking place, they may not be willing to represent you and obviously come up with reason(s) they are unable to take you on. I know this is certainly not a positive post, but just some advice as to how badly things can go. My children were adults when this all happened and I have gotten through all this, partly lucky and through hard work. Even saw a therapist for 1 1/2 years, he was part of the religious right and certainly not helpful. Am seeing a therapist well experienced in these issues but 90 miles one way drive, but helps a lot. I live in a very rural area and know first hand what life in small town is like, sometimes you can "feel the chill in the air". Wish you all the best and hope all works out for you.