Dating

[Shelby11]

Any advice on dating or any sites people would suggest any help is appreciated as I am back in the dating game!

[arbon]

No real advice but can share what some of my experience has been.

Dating is very challenging for just about everyone. More so being a transitioned woman. On dating sites I did make a couple good female friends on OKC but romance with men never worked out. Mostly on that site and others I tried I found you get one decent male prospect out of many many assholes, but whenever it got to the point of actually having a date with the guys I liked I would have the talk because where I live and my history so easy to find they would find out soon anyway. Pretty much every time I had that talk there was immediate rejection. You kinda get tired of being hurt like that repeatedly. There were two exceptions, one local man I did date for a while and he did not have a problem with my past and did not need to talk with me about it. But he really wanted sex and even though I have the right parts there are still issues down bellow and was not ready to try it with him. Sex is just not so appealing when I know it is going to hurt. And I was not that very attracted to him anyway. Another guy turned out to be closeted trans, which was an automatic deal breaker for me. Still tried to be his friend and supportive if they were going to transition but he seemed very obsessed with me and I felt like he kept bringing it back around to pushing for a romantic relationship. And he really ****ed up a few times by offering me some of his panties, wanting me to wear his swim suit, sending me photos of his cleavage....

So I have pretty much given up on trying to date, closed all my accounts, and am sticking to my friends. Its just not worth the headaches.

[Zooey]

Dating is hard, and as Arbon says it sucks for everybody - including cis people. It sucks even more for us, because dating is a numbers game, and the numbers are not in our favor.

One thing that's underlying what Arbon said, and what I deal with a lot, is that dating is a real test of your self-confidence. Trust me when I say that if you don't see the value in yourself, others will not see it either. If you're not really confident in who you are, what you want, and the idea that you deserve to find it, what little chance you would have of finding it basically goes to zero.

I'm a woman. It does not make a man gay to love me. I have a quirk, and some men will either not care or be willing to deal with it because I'M somebody they're attracted to. People don't date my genitalia, or at least I don't date people who just want to date my genitalia. People date me.

The same applies to women as well, for those who roll that way, with the obvious necessary changes in language.

[tgirlamc]

Hi Shelby,

Very early into my transition, I knew I wanted to try going out with a guy after a lifetime of relationships with women. I signed up on several of the TG/CD specific dating sites and was quite surprised with the amount of responses I received. As you can imagine... Much of it was a little crude and not all that welcome but, amongst all of it, I found a few that that were nice!!!... Not only secure with who they were, but secure with the attraction they felt to me as an "unconventional woman." They approached me in a respectful manner, shared themselves honestly through what they wrote me and I did the same.

There was one in particular with whom I seemed to share a lot of common ground and lived just two hours north... We met in person and all has gone well since... He is a wonderful supportive man who has been with me through the whole process of facial procedures, GRS etc. We got a house together over a year ago and last December he proposed to me... We are planning a September wedding.

My story, I believe, is likely quite outside the norm... I know it can be a tough world for us on all fronts but especially out there on the dating scene....I am writing this because I want it out there that sometimes it works out!!!.. And...in ways you never saw coming!!!... I believe Zooey is right... You need to move into things with confidence in who you are and knowing you have a place in this world just like everyone else. Move ahead with respect for yourself, for others and with hope!!!

When I decided to transition, I knew I had to so that I could live MY life but I suspected my decision was also going to lead down a very sad and lonely path. Happily, I was wrong!!!

One interesting aspect of all this as the way my attraction morphed... I found as transition progressed that my attraction to females melted away... When I looked at a woman who I might have previously been attracted to, I found myself experiencing mostly just envy...("wish I had her hair, skin, eyes etc...) A transwoman friend put forward a theory that resonated with me immediately... That what I had always thought was a healthy attraction to women was on some level, hero worship... As I thought about the greatest relationships of my life... I think she was right...on some level, I wanted to be those women!...

Onward we all go!!!

Take Care,
Ashley :)

[Shelby11]

Thanks guys allot of good points, I like women and trans women but as I am transitioning guys started to come into the picture quess will take it a day at a time and focus on my transition all I can do

[Georgette_USA]

Shelby

Can't really help with advice on dating. I am having many troubles myself. Not easy being a 65 year old and looking to date. Never dated when younger so no prior experience.

I do know some that have been successful. One friend just married a Trans Man. Another just got engaged. Some have regular partners men or women. And some Trans dating other Trans. I think we need to expand our dating pool, and just date people with an open mind.

Have met some that are what might be known as Tranny chasers. Just looking for something different. I get many inquiries at a local LGBT club, but if I think they may be Gay just lead with the fact that I don't have what they may want, as I am primarily a Lesbian, no use in wasting both of our times, but do have many Gay friends there also. Some times str8 people come to the club also.

[PretzelGirl]

I am jumping in the dating pool with you Shelby. I don't know how much I will actively seek dates, but sometimes life has a way of making things happen and you find someone you can enjoy your time with in many ways and it can really fill you up emotionally. Sometimes those relationships create the best connections. So don't ever give up hope because life is about living and you never know what is around the corner. I know dating can be tough, but in transitioning, we showed that we can be as tough as it gets.

[I Am Paula]

In three years- one set-up that turned into a relationship for 8 months, until he decided he really was gay :( We're still best friends :)
Two date requests, both stood me up :0. My guess is they panicked when they suddenly realized they had a date with a transperson.
I recently slept with my bff, a transwoman, although it may have been a one off, it made me seriously question my own sexuality :/
My only advice- don't give up, but you may need to kiss a few frogs.

[Jessica EnFemme]

I'm new to the dating scene too, but I think it's important to be honest upfront, not in your online description, but in the initial messaging/email/texting stage (I think it helps weed out the weirdos). I told whoever replied that I was trans "but you can also see my pictures" and basically 95% of them bailed out. I met one guy that said he didn't care, but we didn't really connect. I'm going to keep trying.

[Brooklyn]

Ugh, it's so hard, like others have said. I'm not good with relationships, but I've had two dates recently: one was actually gay and the other was great until I figured he was just another chaser and wanting sex ASAP. Still, I've dated lots more since transition than I did in the years before. Of course online dating provides you with a much bigger pool, but then you have to screen a lot of creepy people to find someone who has potential. Definitely be upfront or you can get into a bad situation, be clear about who you are looking for, and consider how serious you want to be about dating before you're finished with transition. I've noted lots of trans folks date and marry each other too, which is an interesting phenomenon.

[Shelby11]

I am not giving up, I know there is someone for everyone, I like women and trans women and now starting to look to guys I have gone out with couples and although it was interesting for a night of fun, obviously there is no chance of a relationship with a couple just relations, thanks everyone for the input I am trying a few sights to see how it goes , ok cupid match etc

[I Am Paula]

I think the biggest issue is finding someone who does not fetishize us. (Unless that's what you're looking for)

[Shelby11]

I agree in the fullest

[pamela7]

If sites are the way to go, but really think about the kind of person you want and where they might hang out. For example, there are many people at small festivals here in England, who are single but more open minded than the general population. Previous threads on this subject have suggested a volunteering activity where you get to meet like-minded people. For example if you were into sports, then marshalling at events would be a way to meet possible folks.

Are you dating for men, women or both? What's your intention? Long-term or casual ... However you frame it, common interests drive relationships, and people join clubs to be with others with those common interests. Just a thought, xxx Pam

[Shelby11]

Thanks Pamela never thought of that will give it try I am open to gender just looking for that special person

[tgirlamc]

Hi Shelby!

Yes!!! Pamela has some good thoughts there!!!... Meetup.com usually has a wide variety of local groups that are a great way to socialize with others! You could even be bold and just start your own if you wanted! Life is for living!!!.. Get yourself out there!

Take Care!

Ashley :)

[Shelby11]

Thanks Ashley good point

[docrobbysherry]

I was out at a club last nite at their big T girl nite party. Got hit on by a couple of guys. And some females, I assume gay women, got flirty on and off the dance floor!:battingeyelashes:

[arbon]

I think the question is more aimed towards transitioned women Doc. What is your experience exactly being a woman with a TS history and dating ?

[arbon]

I've noted lots of trans folks date and marry each other too, which is an interesting phenomenon.

It makes sense though considering the challenges faced dating the non trans people. More then that too, for me it has been easier to connect with them, a lot of shared experience and understanding. The best and most interesting intimate relationships I've had have been with other Ts

[Nicole Erin]

My experience -
Men are more likely to flake out than women. Those men typically have their excuse ready in advance, like having car trouble. And I promise this - the men who do meet will want to "taste" you... I bet on it. If you run into one that doesn't want to, I will come over and do it myself. Plus, the men who are interested in us are usually pretty gross. Old, fat, balding, not fashionable, and say crap like, "I have never had an experience..." Hell with all that

Dating women is also a pain - come up with a catchy line on some dating site, meet some stranger, hope she isn't as ugly as her photo, spend money on a dinner, try to impress this woman you do not know and it is just awkward. Of course as an added bonus, she is probably going through a divorce but still living with the guy, she might be in her 40's but raising a toddler, is on anti-depressants, smokes 3 packs a day, and is "trying to lose weight".

Dating is more hassle than what it is worth.

[KymberlyOct]

Yikes !! Nicole I am sure there is way too much truth in what you are saying. But on the other hand read tgirlamc's experience. I know for fact that it is true. Sadly I think it is not the norm but as she proves it does happen. I am prepared for what Nicole is saying but hopeful for what Ashley is living. I do want to date once I am full time but I am keeping in mind that dating is not why I am doing this. Being me is why I am doing this.

[I Am Paula]

Nicole Erin. LMAO! You've been there! Let's not forget the guys with a wedding ring tan, but claim their wife is 'Totally good with it'. Odd, they will never let you call the wife, and ask her.
Also, every guy you meet wants to be bottom.

[tgirlamc]

Hey All,

I am very aware and grateful every day that I beat the odds and found a needle in the haystack but... I think there are other needles out there!... I personally know two other women who married wonderful, loving men post-transition. Even if your experience thus far has been less than encouraging, I'd urge you to remain open to the possibility of finding what you seek.

Take Care,

Ashley :)

[becky77]

I gave up dating, although that's partly to do with not wanting sex pre-op.
I'm not that fussed borderline A-sexual so willing to wait if it happens it happens, when I did try I just met a load of sex-mad (married) jerks.

[Caden Lane]

I've recently suffered two bad failures within six months where two different women thought they were able to deal with my transition, one was a relationship that had been ongoing for four years. Both women changed their minds on what they could deal with. I'm presently not dating, just trying to cope and deal with my transition, focus on me for a while. I realize that being a trans-woman who is interested in women or other trans-women leaves me with a very limited window of interest. But we can only want what we want. We can only be attracted to what we are attracted to. I'm not willing to compromise on that. If it means a lifetime of being alone, I suppose that will be the cost, but at least I'll be my true self.

Ever & Always,
Cadence

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Dating during transition is one of the least constructive things you can do if you want to be successful in your transition..

[I Am Paula]

Kaitlyn, That's a pretty big statement.

Dating is no easier ten years after transition, than during.