How do you cope?

[Nigella]

The transition process is far from easy, even for those like me who had a real easy transition. My coping mechanism was to take each step as an individual step, not thinking, at least too much, about the next step until the one I was currently taking was concluded.

I thought about all the pros and cons that presented themselves, prepared my mind for the worst case scenario with a view to the fact that any outcome which was better than the worst case had to be a positive. I listened to the fears of others, sought advice, but accepted that ulitmately the final decision was mine and mine alone. Accepting the final decision was mine meant that I had to understand that if things did go wrong, I was to blame, I made the choice and had to live with that choice.

Good fortunes smiled down on me and life is good with very little changing from the previous life I lead to the one I lead now.

So my question is how do you deal with all the stress and strain of confirming your true identity against the expectations of others?

[KymberlyOct]

For myself the timing of the posting of this thread could not be any better. Two days ago I took the 1st minor step of actual physical transformation - 8 hours of facial electrolysis and as a result I am considering coming out earlier than my original plan. My face is a mess - it will heal - but the reason for my consideration of coming out early is the deception. I had 90 cc of lidocaine injected into my face over 8 hours and could not speak properly well into the next day. I was on the phone telling BS about being at the dentist. Now I don't know how many days I will have to hide at home until my face heals.

I initially had a plan to come out 1 week before FFS. That is complicated as to when that will occur due to other health issues and money - sometime in 6 to 12 months. I am rambling so I will get to the point.

Is it better to come out when you are ready to live full time - or - tell people in advance - I am transgender and I will be transitioning to living as a woman over the next ## number of months. What do other members think is the least stressful way to come out?

Nigella - I hope this is in keeping with the intent of your thread - how do you cope with transitioning - It was my interpretation of what you meant but maybe that was due to what is going on with me right now.

[becky77]

One step at a time otherwise the mountain would be overwhelming.
The only issue with that approach is that I don't really appreciate what I have achieved as I am already eyes ahead to the next hurdle.

I'm finding it very hard now to connect with my feelings pre-transition, with the experience and hormones I'm so far removed from that fearful shut down person from before.
To coin a cliche it's such a big journey I don't think people realise how much the hormones rewire your chemistry added to the immense emotional development.

As a TS woman my transition goal was to somehow find the inner woman and reflect her on the outside too, that's one hell of an epic goal after 3 decades of Testosterone changes.
The time scale and money needed is demoralising so how I coped was to tackle the things that spiked my GD the most, that will be different for each of us.
Hormones, hair removal, hair transplant, full-time, Trachea shave, SRS.......

[pamela7]

Coping seems to me to be the nub of this whole experience. Being accepted as Pam is not a problem at all, in work, nor socially. Last night we went to a party and met new people as well a couple who've who known me over 10 years; no problems; I even got a big hug and "you look lovely" from a guy there. It really is a non-problem in England now, I feel. Trips to London and other parts of the UK show there really is no problem.

The problem I have is waiting, dreaming every other night of ways to get my testicles removed. I can find this site aggravates my situation, so I've been on it less, immersing myself in new projects and work to take my mind off transitioning. The system, that's what I have difficulty coping with.

[Marcelle]

Hi Nigella,

I apply the same coping mechanisms to my transition that I apply in the military . . . can take the girl out of the army but you can't take the army out of the girl. I approach my transition tactically sort to speak and employ COA (course of action) development for each phase. I have an overall plan, where I want to be and what I want to achieve but I take each tactical bound forward in stride and hold in place until I am ready for the next. This provides me with the ability to see end game but allows me to remain focused on the current phase. It is akin to what you do, pros and cons of each decision, seek advice, quell fears, decide on the best COA and cross the line of departure. While I am moving forward in that phase I concentrate completely on that phase without thinking ahead to the next. Each phase brings set backs and challenges and each has to be dealt with in real time so thinking forward can quickly cause me to lose my focus on the here and now. If things get bad as they are want to do from time to time, I will beat a tactical withdrawal of sorts, regroup, calm and then push forward again (which in reality means I do a lot of support networking with my friends and family).

I know it all seems very calculated but that is the way I am wired and it allows me to maintain clarity and calmness in what could be a very chaotic time.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Teresa]

Marcelle,
That is great advice, I'm not in the same situation but those thoughts extend to dealing with most situations.
My daughter was always trying to be two steps ahead and filling her mind with what-ifs and then fearing the worse scenario , I tried to tell her repeatedly that nothing is ever as bad as you imagine, I've had to learn that one myself because every wedding was going to go wrong in my mind ! We are the same nature so I know how she feels and how to try and deal with it.

[PretzelGirl]

I was very much like Marcelle. I wrote out a plan in the beginning, with dates, and I stuck to all but one. I moved my coming out at work by three days. In planning I found comfort. But there is so much more to how we cope that is outside our control. How strong is our dysphoria? How is everyone reacting to us and treating us? What unplanned surprises come up? So to some degree, there is an element of good or bad fortune. I also have been blessed with a naturally strong coping mechanism. So another variable we all have....

For Kym, you have to lay a plan that fits you. For me, I wanted to tell family early as I wanted them to have time to learn and their thoughts settled before I was FT. I did that with a few friends too. But for most friends and work, the notice was about a month. I didn't want anyone getting ahead of me, well because... I am a planner and I didn't want them taking me off my path.

[tgirlamc]

Hi Nigella!!!

Great topic!!! It is nice to hear someone else describe their transition as easy!...I sometimes feel almost a bit guilty that I feel that way about mine knowing how much of a difficult process it can be for some...

I feel my best coping mechanism was, and still is, a positive attitude about where my life was and is going. It seems that many women go through a lot of emotional difficulty with the initial decision... My decision was almost instantaneous ... the moment I realized I could live the way I choose, I set about looking at how I would make it work as opposed to why I could not.... My journey included, and still includes, times of fear, depression and questioning my own decisions of course, but I tend to focus on the positive aspects of the experience and the more difficult aspects pale in comparison.

After living over half a century in a life that was not my own... Reaching out to finally unearth who I had always been inside was like a person who had been drowning filling their lungs with air.... YES!!!!...there was some pain in the process of pulling in those breaths but they were absolutely needed to live and whatever pain was involved with inhaling them was not an issue in comparison!

Take Care,

Ashley :)

[Kris Avery]

I use a systems engineer approach.

How do you move a mountain or eat an elephant?
One shovel of dirt or piece of elephant at a time.

Not a big deal with the mountain - the worst case is that it will have a landslide on you or others if you do it wrong.

In the case of the elephant - watch out - it may notice if you don't eat it in a particular order like not starting with the head.

The important thing is to remember that order *can* be important sometimes.
It's also key to remember you will have surprises and make mistakes.

Kris

[Heidi Stevens]

My path is slightly different, while similar to the "one step at a time" approach to cope while reaching a goal. Instead of climbing a steady slope, my path has a lot of plateau areas. I progress to transition, but hold my position until the conditions are right to move on to another step in reacihing my final goal.

Right now I am coping very well, having gone through laser and by starting HRT. I am happy and holding at this plateau since I'm still able to live with my loving, but not approving, wife. I have made tweaks with the HRT, but I have nothing else pushing me to start climbing again. I probably won't as long as my life partner is in my life. I know that should she start to approve of my change, divorce me from a lack of acceptance, or pass from this world, I have a plan to move ahead at a steady pace. I cope because I'm happy where things are right now and will keep to my schedule to achieve physical womanhood. My pace, not someone else's schedule. That's everyone's key to cope: do the transition on your terms, way less stressful! Good luck to all on this journey!

[I Am Paula]

I took a completely different approach. While writing out a list, and crossing things off may be great for the majority, I took a hap-hazzard approach. Similar to playing Wack-a-mole, I took a swing at everything that came up, in no particular order. I was also in a hell of a hurry to get things done- no plateaus here, just straight on til morning. Sure that sounds like keeping three balls in the air while teaching a monkey to play piano, but that's the way I work.
Back to the OT- My true identity was the only thing that mattered. I pretty much just steamrollered over all others, and those that got back up were either on my side or not. I lost a few, and I gained many. I don't think anybody had any expectations of me, positive or negative. It was all so fast my friends and family's reacts were mostly 'Huh?'
Would I recommend my way over others? Probably not, my mind is a Jackson Pollack painting, not many understand it. One thing I know- from this chaos, out popped a very happy, well adjusted woman.

[Shelby11]

For me it was kind of like take me or leave me approach, I know that sounds hard but I lost a wife and some friends to transitioning my own mom took about 1.5 years to accept and I had to tell her she had to accept me as she not he or she could lose me, after that she went to a gender therapist and things got better between us, she is supportive know, sure when I go to new places there is some fear but never as bad as you think it is I was depressed for losing my breast I met with a great surgeon that a friend suggested so he will do the implants in Sept I feel better know. Srs did not go as planned due to insurance and some other medical issues due to a bruised heart when I broke my ribs but that too is coming up as well as ffs, I try to stay around positive people my new friends all support and that is comforting in the 6 months in to my depression I almost got jumped by 6 guys walking in a parking lot it was scary but I got through it, many ups and downs but it gets better over time

[Nigella]

Thank you for your responses so far, some interesting coping stratagies :) To throw another question into the mix, the orignal post asked about coping with the changes during transition, so how many of you apply the same stratagies to everyday life, removing the transition element.

[tgirlamc]

Thank you for your responses so far, some interesting coping stratagies :) To throw another question into the mix, the orignal post asked about coping with the changes during transition, so how many of you apply the same stratagies to everyday life, removing the transition element.

Hi Nigella,

I try to always carry the positive attitude with me though all aspects of my life and feel like I do so with a good bit of success. The approach seems to of served me well and strengthened my connections with those around me. Life is such a precious thing and far too short to dwell in the negative. We all go there at times but if you take up residence in that mind frame it can be very difficult to extricate yourself... Onward we go!!!

Take Care,

Ashley :)

[Heidi Stevens]

Good follow up, Nigella. The reply by Ashley is the attitude to have, stay positive. My Engineering training kicks in and I look for a fix to my problem with the least amount damage to get results. People know I'm the most optimistic person they interact with and I'm glad I have that reputation. They know I won't fret over anything long and will start searching for the answer right away. Stay positive and keep going forward.

[GBJoker]

I bottle everything up.

I've learned the hard way what people's expectations are, so, better to avoid contact with any one.

I cope by not caring what others want.

[Marcelle]

Hi Nigella,

I utilize the same coping strategy in my everyday life as I do with any aspects of transition. It keeps me focused and moving forward.

Cheers

Marcelle

[pamela7]

i thought i'd add another little thing i do to deal specifically with other people's expectations - i shape them. First I've been meeting a new person, or someone old who's new to my new "me", fairly andro (jeggings+top), then second time more feminine (skirt+top), and third time, the whole thing no holds barred. This seems to give people time to adjust/adapt and even say they're going to start wearing the clothes they want. I've noticed politicians do this a lot - a series of small pieces of news to avoid imparting a shock. I feel this is gentler and kinder on them, and avoids any immediate drama.

In the right context, for example contrasting a full hysterectomy, even the orchie and hrt don't sound too far-fetched to them - so far.

[Mirya]

Similar to many of the responses, I take my transition one step at a time. I've never been much of a planner anyway. Sure, I know exactly what I want to get done in the long-term, but I don't make specific plans and don't set specific dates beyond a few months at most. I feel like doing that helps keep me from worrying too much.

[KymberlyOct]

Hi Nigella,

I try to always carry the positive attitude with me though all aspects of my life and feel like I do so with a good bit of success. The approach seems to of served me well and strengthened my connections with those around me. Life is such a precious thing and far too short to dwell in the negative. We all go there at times but if you take up residence in that mind frame it can be very difficult to extricate yourself... Onward we go!!!

Take Care,

Ashley :)

Ashley, Well said, if we take up residence there it can be very difficult to extricate yourself. I find that I visit that place, perhaps a little too often but I am glad I definitely don't move in the furniture.
As a friend of yours I can attest to the fact that you truly live this philosophy and we should all strive to do so as well.

[tgirlamc]

Ashley, Well said, if we take up residence there it can be very difficult to extricate yourself. I find that I visit that place, perhaps a little too often but I am glad I definitely don't move in the furniture.
As a friend of yours I can attest to the fact that you truly live this philosophy and we should all strive to do so as well.

Thanks Sis!!!

I don't think you'll be visiting that place near as much in the days to come... You have a beautiful new place and you just started renovating the outside!!! Congrats!!!

Onward we go!!!! :)

[Jennifer-GWN]

Simple... Set a goal and focus on it. Understand that the path to the goal will deviate from time to time as everything can't be anticipated. Roll with the punches and adjust while not loosing sight of the goal. Time is but a part; not finite. Such as it was with my transition such as it is with most things. Be smart, think through things, ask and test ideas along the way. And acknowledge that you'll feel like you're loosing your mind and out of control at times but then you have a goal.

[Kate T]

I didn't choose to be trans. But I did choose to be truthful to myself and others and transition. Thus, as you said Nigella, I gathered all the information I could, assessed it and made a decision. And lived by that decision.

Sometimes things don't go "well". Sometimes there is a reason. Whenever I thought things were going "wrong" I would reassess what I thought I wanted to happen, was that actually the best thing to happen (not always), and if not then how do I try and make it happen.

As for when you just get a crappy deal on something (e.g. you react badly to meds / surgery doesn't go according to plan / when you want it too), I have been around medicine and hospitals all my life, believe me, my trials / problems are NOTHING compared to what some kids have to put up with. So I tell myself to suck it up and stop being a princess :p.

[KymberlyOct]

Kate, that is great advice that I needed to hear tonight. THANKS !!

[Eringirl]

My strategy was/is pretty much the same as most have posted. I agree, if you don't break it down to manageable bits, you feel like you are trying to boil the ocean, so to speak. I did create an overall master plan, but with a number of smaller manageable "chunks", and I celebrate each little success. Important for my morale and sanity ! ;)

I realize that the plan or strategy will change due to circumstances, so it is not written in stone. Rather in Jello, so it is somewhat malleable, but my end goal is the same. So, far, so good. I have a professional medical team in place looking after the physical and mental/emotional aspects of my transition. Going full time was very smooth, perhaps maybe a bit "over-engineered", but my credo was "expect the best, plan for the worst". After several meetings, the execution by senior leadership, HR and IT of going full time was flawless. So, so far, this strategy is working for me. So, an Nigella said, it is like anything else. I am a "project" in the works, so project management tactics seem to work well.....for me.....

Erin

[I Am Paula]

Erin, I have always admired your being so organized and systematic about this. I'll bet you delicates drawer is all neatly folded.
I wrote everything I needed to do on scraps of paper, and picked them out randomly. I ended up with to-do lists like-
Hair removal on way to BA, don't forget new capri pants, and drivers license.

[MissDanielle]

On coping...my biggest stress relief back home for having to deal with things is my guitar but that's not an outlet that I have available to me at the moment.

On my bad dysphoric days, I end up taking it out on Facebook. Otherwise, it stays bottled up. I can't afford to see a therapist all the time.

[Suzanne F]

I envy all of you that are so organized and systematic. Unfortunately, those are not my strong points. I rely on that part of me that runs marathons. I just know inside that I can make it. I don't quit no matter what setbacks I encounter. I think the other coping mechanism comes from my desire to be with people. I am always building a community around me and when trouble hits they are there for me. I hope the same can be said of me when my people are in trouble. This last 7 weeks have really tested me and I am glad to report that I am coming out of the fray!

[tgirlamc]

My thoughts have been with you Susan!!! ... Always here if I can help! :)

[KymberlyOct]

Erin, I have always admired your being so organized and systematic about this. I'll bet you delicates drawer is all neatly folded.
I wrote everything I needed to do on scraps of paper, and picked them out randomly. I ended up with to-do lists like-
Hair removal on way to BA, don't forget new capri pants, and drivers license.

I like that Paula, I am so early on. I am out to 5 people in my personal life as of yesterday. Seeing a therapist at the trans clinic, HRT doc next month and a full day of face electrolysis last week. And I know I am just scratching the surface. I am going to make a list like you did. I know there will be twist and turns along the way and plans change but you have to have a plan to get anything done. And then you change the plan when needed. Thanks for sharing.

[whowhatwhen]

I didn't.
I took the cowards way out and let everyone assume I was gay until HRT and hair removal did enough that I started passing somewhat consistently.

I mean, I have my reasons for doing it that way but all in all it kinda sucked.
Plus I wasn't cool enough for drinking or doing drugs.

[Caden Lane]

My coping strategy leans towards Heidi's; I compartmentalize each segment of my transition and deal with what I can deal with, one single thing at a time, and allow myself time to adapt to each change. It's my hope that this will help.

Ever & Always,
Cadence

[Nigella]

Once again, thank you all for your contributions :)