Just some sharing after my dad died. About dressing elderly.

[Alice Torn]

For several years, my dad had slowly gone downhill. At age 89, was still driving, then fell, and had gone downhill, A once strong person now too frail to even feed his face. he died last night, at 95. I see myself in him, and i dod not think i will last that long. I see, that I had better enjoy life some now, and dress up, while i have the health to do so, also my bicycling, fishing, driving, shooting basketballs. How time flies by. I got here six years ago to help my dad, and it seems like just three yrs! And now he is gone! Time does seem to go faster as we age. I can see , that when i am in the shape he has been in the last four years, there would be no way i could dress myself, or walk. Very sobering, but i will be like him all too soon. Enjoy dressing much, and everything else, because we are soon elderly. Just sharing. Thanks.

[RADER]

I share your thoughts;
Some one once told me;
At 5 years old, time goes by at 5 MPH
At 60 years old, time goes by at 60 MPH.
Now that I an almost 70, Just how much faster can
time go by.
I saw my Dad, Uncle and Grand Father all get rather weak
in their last days. I can only hope I do not get to that point.
A long time ago, I was The Carpenter Foreman on a Nursing Home Project.
Every one working on the site all admitted that it was just a warehouse for
the elderly. I can only hope I do not end up in one.
Rader

[Rachael Leigh]

Alice so sorry for your loss, I've read how you talked about your dad here and how he was not as wonderful a dad as we all hope for, but you being a good son knew you had to take care of him and that is true love that you had for him.
May your day be blessed.
Leigh

[Alice Torn]

Trying to not ball, but thank you Rader, and Leigh. My family was full of pity, but little love. Rader, you are so right! My mom was in a nursing home three years, and you are so right! They are warehouses for the elderly, dying. I used to take my two cats in there, for some patients to pet and hold. It made some of them's day! My thread was to say how quick life is, even though painful moments seem to go on forever. I have seen my dad, and others in nursing homes, not as old, unable to dress themselves. Makes me realize, i better enjoy dressing, and whatever, because that time is coming for me, too. Bummer.

[Allisa]

My condolences, I have just lost my mother not to long ago and she was in a care facility and her time finally came at the age of 93.Yes our time will come but now I feel that we should all enjoy our time while we can and if that means "dressing up" than so be it, kind of makes you wonder if you can find a facility(when and if you need one) that will accept this part of you and let you express it freely and help when need to dress.

[Teresa]

Alice,
It's sad to say but I know you have been waiting for this time, he is was your flesh and blood but like you I didn't have a good relationship with my father, I'm afraid he wasn't missed for long.
All you can do is say you're not going to be the same person as him !
You are younger than me by a couple of years and I've just started to really enjoy my dressing so don't think it's all over yet , I hope I have a few more years , I know I can't catch up but it will be fun trying.

Alice can ride a bike, fish if she likes and do all the other things you enjoy , don't let the rest of the family hold you back now, you've done your bit for your dad so think of it as your life now and enjoy the freedom.

Please PM me if you want to chat more , if I could buy a drink I'd be happy to if it could cheer you up at this difficult time .

[Sara Jessica]

After reading what you have taken the time to write for so long, it is hard to convey condolences but I'll do so anyways. Loss is loss. I'm sure you are feeling bittersweet right now. Take the time to grieve and reflect as much, or as little as you need. Either way, it is OK. When you are ready to move on, take back your life and live it to the fullest. Are you truly able to move on as you have dreamed of doing?

[Alice Torn]

One day at a time, is all we got. Yesterday morning, almost got involved in a severe crash. Someone pulled around to pass, on the two lane on a curve, and here comes a vehicle! The passers missed the other vehicle by less than 20 feet. May have been in the land of the dead before my dad was, yesterday!

[Julie Denier]

My deepest condolences, Alice. Be well ...

[AprilMayy<3]

It's incredible how fast life can come and go. I recently lost my uncle at 64, my grandma is 96 and she is falling downhill fast.
At only 20, it's something that really makes you think. I try to live my life how I want to live it, as I know it can be over rather quickly.
Sorry for you loss. <3

[OCCarly]

You've done your duty to your family, Alice. Don't let your brothers or your sister suck you into anything else. You deserve a chance to live the rest of your life without any interference from anyone. Move away from the toxic folks and enjoy what life you have left.

[GaleWarning]

I'd just like to add my condolences, Alice.
Blessings
G

[Nikki.]

Sorry for your loss. Grieve, think about how and where you wish to spend the next 20+ years of your life, then MAKE IT HAPPEN.

[Dana44]

Alice, I went though that with my parents. Life is short and we are aging. Take care of yourself and get to an area that you re more comfortable in. you have given enough to your family and it time for you to take care of yourself.

[AmyVanessa]

Hi, Alice
So sorry to hear about your loss. Just want to wish you all the best.

[marshalynn]

Alice, sorry for your loss. Marshalynn

[CD_DIANE]

Hi Alice,

Very sorry for your loss.

Hugs,
Diane

[Lily Catherine]

So sorry for your loss. May God comfort you during this time of grieving, and may He bless you always. You certainly fulfilled your duty as your father's child; my utmost respect to you for that.

[ClosetED]

Alice, so sorry for your loss. I lost my father suddenly 8 years ago, so you had time to say goodbye. Having read many posts involving your family, I know this will be tough time for you dealing with them, but soon Alice will have her time to finally be free.
Hugs, Ellen

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Thanks for sharing your news Alice. A great many people care about you, though few (if any?) of us have met you, still we feel we know you and are glad to know you.

A milestone indeed, the passing of your father. You gave up much to come and help him in his final years: I hope that opportunities now open up for you to enjoy life more on your own terms.

Very best wishes,

Nikki

[CarlaWestin]

My thoughts are with you, Alice. Yes, you need to enjoy life every day. When my Father retired, all he wanted to do was be in his garden. He enjoyed that for nearly 30 years. Time did stand still for him.

[Claire Cook]

Alice,

Yes, so sorry to read this. But you make a wonderful point -- there comes a time when we realize that we haven't got all that much time left, so we have to make the best of that time. Makes me think that for 50+ years I missed doing what girls and women did -- have to make up (pun untended...) for lost time....

[Martina]

Alice, Sorry to hear of your loss.
I understand how you felt about your dad and hope that your life will now start to improve, you have made many sacrifices for your family and now it is your time so put on your best frock and enjoy.
Best Wishes

Martina

[Suzie Petersen]

I am sorry to hear of your fathers passing Alice.
Having read your words, about your family relations, for a long time, I am not sure if you consider it a loss or not, but regardless of that, it is a milestone in your life.

At such a time, it is worth thinking back on the good times of the past. No matter how negative the relations with your father might have seemed in later years, there is almost certainly at least a few good memories to cherish. Go look for those and make them what you hold on to.
Dont look at the years you spent helping your father as lost or wasted, think of them as paying your dues to your parent. You knew to do the right thing, looking after him, nomatter how ungrateful the task may have seemed, and you need to know that many look up to you for that.

And now: Go fishing! Spend time doing what you want and love. Dont waste time looking back, that is not where you are going!

I, for one, am looking forward to reading your posts in the future.

Hugs
Suzie

[Katey888]

A milestone indeed, the passing of your father. You gave up much to come and help him in his final years: I hope that opportunities now open up for you to enjoy life more on your own terms.


I think Nikki said it for me... I'm sorry for you as you will surely feel sorrow at his passing, but I can't be hypocritical and not feel (as others here) that this is now an opportunity for you to be a little more as you need to be for yourself, rather than for others... :hugs:

Grasp what you can of life while it's within reach - it can be tenuous for some at the best of times...

Katey x

[Alice Torn]

Everyone who posted, A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU. I knew for a months that he could just go to sleep any time, and i think a lot of wounds were healed some. I think my difficult brother and sister have been a little sobered, too. ClosetEd, that must be even harder, to suddenly lose a parent. I kno w a guy who lost his dad as a toddler, and never really knew him. My dad was in way over his headm never wanted kids, but there were some nice times, for sure. He had nearly died half a dozen times in the past, so i was pretty prepared when it finally happened. I do not plan on dressing up, until after he is buried, a week from today. Funeral services understaffed people are on vacation! Actually, i was a gravedigger, or sexton as you Brits call it, for almost three years, and buried many folks, in the early 1980's!

[cdterri]

Sorry to hear about your father alice. I lost my 91 yo father last month. In my case he was a very loving and understanding person and I miss him dearly. Like others I have followed your posts for quite some time and am aware of your situation. I am sure that no matter how things were you still grieve over your loss but as others have stated now you can plck youself up and start living for you. You are right that time is catching up on a lot of us here so get out there and live before its too late

[Tracii G]

I truly am sorry your Dad passed away and at your age it has to be hard because he has been part of your life for a long time.
This is your time to live your life the way you want to because you did all you could for your Dad and sacrificed so much.
I lost my parents when I was in my 20's and I do think about them still but I have been without them twice as long as I had them in my life.
Again I am so sorry for your loss Alice but don't feel you have to end up like him or even be like him, be yourself.

[Pat]

Sorry to read about your Dad, Alice. Losing a parent is a very hard thing since they've been around your whole life. It takes a while to get used to the idea they're gone. Be kind to yourself.

And, yes, we should enjoy life - whatever that means - while we can. ;)

[Amanda M]

Alice - I am so sorry. I lost my Dad when I was ten, but I was lucky. There was nothing at that time to come between us.

Even if he did not understand, I rather suspect he does now, so, please, if you can, let your memories of him be the good ones.

Big Hug,
Amanda

[mykell]

Alice so sorry for your loss, I've read how you talked about your dad here and how he was not as wonderful a dad as we all hope for, but you being a good son knew you had to take care of him and that is true love that you had for him.
May your day be blessed.
Leigh
this is how i felt and just wanted to add my condolences, may things with the remainder of the family work out for the best....

[Lana Mae]

alice
So sorry to hear about your father! Kudos for you taking care of him!! Hold on to the good thoughts! Cherish them! When you feel it move on.! It may take a little while. But move on! You are blessed for caring for your father! It is now time to live your life! All the best!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Petra1]

Please accept my condolences.

[Vikky]

Sorry for your loss Aiice.

See my signature - over the last few years since 'official' retirement I have decided to tackle some of my bucket list items before my turn comes, and being here is one of them.

Once you are over the inevitable period of grief - go for it.

Vikky

[Alice Torn]

Again, I am humbled by so much caring, and love, from people i have never met, and we may not have much in common other than this thing we deal with. I can't begin to say how great you all have been. An many of you have been through losses already. I really though t my difficult father would make it to 100, and almost did. I was his enemy much of my life, but tried to make peace, though it was never easy, but i must be good to myself now, as i gave him the last six yrs of my life, and i am 62 now. I thank you all for your loving attitudes to me, at this time,. and i know I have made tons of mistakes and been way too self centered. I wish you all the best,in this tough thing called life.

[Amy Fakley]

OMG, I can only imagine what you're going through, Alice.

My grandmother was a similarly difficult woman, even when she was well. She got sick in her late 60s and was in and out of nursing homes, and assisted living, between stints living at home with essentially her own family serving as support staff ... and that lasted until she was 87. By the time she passed, the 24/7 effort to keep her alive had literally become a lifestyle for most of the family, and everyone was beyond burnt out.

We loved her, and we were so sorry to see her go, but at the same time it was a relief ... but that relief was quickly followed by a deep deep depression for those in the family that were most involved in her care. She died 3.5 years ago, and some in my family have yet to dig their way back out of that abyss. It's an easy trap to fall into.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't forget to take care of yourself, Alice. There is so, so much to take care of after an elderly parent dies, especially of you were the one in the elder care hotseat, but don't forget you, and don't be ashamed to ask your doctor for an antidepressant or to talk to a councellor or something. Just take it one day at a time, and you're damn right ... life is for the living, girl. Get out and live it!

[Alice Torn]

Amy, Thanks much for sharing. My dad was always a very difficult, narcissist, only loved his horses, not his family much. My parents would have been better off separating, or even divorcing. You are right. I fear mys sister will have deep depression, because my dad was the only male she was ever close to. I fear she will try to cling to me now. Her speech impediment is so severe, and other ailment, that it is hard to be around her, and no one wants to be around her. I have had depression all my life, too, and bi polar. I am on lithium, and an anxiety pill, i take when i am overly anxious. i take lots of vitamins and minerals, and suppliments, I cannot do without. But, my family is bizarre. a "fusion" family, where no one seemed able to break away, and have relationshios outside the sick family, and our parents discouraged us from dating and marriage, and having our own kids. I think partly they were afraid we would make the same mistakes they did, marrying a wrong person. Any way, you are right, that i must break off from my family of origin more, and have a life of my own. I know they will try to control me. Sick family.

[Sarah-RT]

Sincere apologies for your loss Alice. Ageing is an unfortunate part of life and the helplessness it causes as we age.
With that in mind, we only live once. So for the fleeting few years we get to experience here in our life, make sure they are the best ones!

[Alice Torn]

Sarah, Yes it is. I am having some health issues too, with eayesight, memory loss, neck and back, and knee. I try to ride bicycle every day, walk some, work on car. but it is getting harder to put my socks or nylons on! I know the day is coming, when i just won't be able to dress up, and i can survive without it. My dad could do nothing, let alone dress himself. i don't know if i want to live that long.

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi Alice.
Sorry for your loss.
Unfortunately we all experience this at any age. I lost my younger sister to suicide in 2003 and my Dad passed away over a year ago.
Myself and my dad never really got on.
He suffered strokes and heart attacks and was very frail near his end. It was a bit like the prodigal son returning for myself and him in the latter years as we started to on a bit better and had a lot more in common than we thought. Even though he was the man who whipped and beat me when found wearing my mother's tights...but such is life!
All I can say to you is remember any good times and enjoy the future day by day.
"Go n-eirÃ* an mbothar leat"...Irish for...may the road rise with you.❤

[bridget thronton]

Sorry for your loss

[Tracii G]

Alice we are about the same age and one thing I will say from your writing is you are way too hard on yourself.
You tend to put yourself down and say things that promote a feeling of I'm not good enough.Please don't feel that way because you are good enough to do most anything you want.
I hope this new part of your life opens up and you can start to feel better about yourself and life in general.
Just remember just because your Dad did something doesn't mean you have to. Break the cycle of toxicity.

[Nicole Erin]

regardless of the relationship we had with someone, seeing them die just makes us realize just how serious this death business is.
It doesn't matter if we lost them too soon or are relieved when they are gone.
We remember our interactions and now they are gone? It is strange either way, better or worse.

[Kate Simmons]

Sorry for your loss my friend. I know how it was and is with your family. I'm hoping you can take some time for yourself now. Be well. :)

[Alice Torn]

Thanks again, I have lost a lot of frioends the last five years. First girlfriend ended her life in 1982, Lot of dear pets die in my arms. Such is the way of all flesh. At least in this world. Tracii, You are right, My older twin brothers criticize and ridicule every thing i do, and the church condemns CDing, so i have had more than my share of shame. Doing a bit better, though.

[Heather Chasen]

Hi Alice so sorry to hear of your loss, my thaughts are with you at this difficult time. I know your Dad wasnt the most easy person to get along with at times , but he was still your Dad wasnt he, and we only get one. I really hope that your life will soon settle down and you can have more Alice time , none can say you didnt do your bit for him, and you did more than some . Now its time for you,lets hope you can make a break from the rest of the family and not get bogged down with thier problems.
Drive carefull Alice and enjoy life. All the best Heather

[ReineD]

I'm so sorry for your father's passing, Alice. I know that your relationship with him was difficult, but still I offer you my condolences.

[Alice Torn]

I think he finally appreciated his adult kids in his final few years. He was an anti social loner. Now comes the harder part, dealing with my control freak intense older twin brothers, who truly have no respect for a work i say. Oh it never ends! Toxic family! I hope i can endure the hell still ahead over the will. Thanks Reine! I know a lot of you have been through losses, too. For 62 yrs, i lived, knowing my dad was alive. Now he and my mom are gone, and i have no wife or SO. Just my cats. The hell will come from my evil intense toxic control freak older twin brothers. The one in prison dictates to his twin here, and they have always been against me since birth, two against one. I have been in physical fights against the two of them, when younger, but they are the same yet. If i can find an aprtment as good as i got now, further away, i hope i can find a way to move for the 49th time!

[Angie G]

At 68 I can see I'm not what I once was. And wish I had come out to my wife sooner. All the aches and pains I never had are there often.I do think I'm doing good for my age. I'll be dressing for a few more years to come. And I'm sorry to hear about you dad Alice. He in in a better place and a peace.:hugs:
Angie

[Tracii G]

Alice I know toxic family and how much of a strain it is. Remember you are not them or anything like them.
My 1st wife's family were that way always wanting you to drop everything for them and they would do nothing when you needed it.
3 boys in and out of prison or jail since they were each 16 years old.
Never remembered the good things you did for them only remembered when you said no.
My wife got so tired of the whole mess and just quit talking to them and never answering the phone when it was them calling.
If you can move and get away from them IMO that would be a good thing.
You are a sweet caring person Alice don't let them drag you down from this day forward.

[Alice Torn]

Hopefully, after the will , and possible sale of the property. Afraid i have to be around some until that is over. Life is so blasted messy.

[Tracii G]

I know Alice but you will make it thru all of it.

[Stephanie47]

Alice, sorry for your loss. At age 62 you have a lot of living a head of you. I've read your postings concerning your family dynamics. Alice, you could not have been "self centered" to have taken care of your father for so long.

[Alice Torn]

Stephanie, I am self centered, but care taker too. No SO or wife to share with, so singles tend to be a bit self centered. But, i need to learn to say no, and take care of me, too.

[Debra Russell]

Alice, as you can see we all care and are concerned about you - this is a new start for you, get through your current obligations and embrace and enjoy who you are - we are all here for you.....:hugs:.......................Debra

[Hazel King]

Hi Alice So sorry to hear about your loss, I can feel for you, When my Dad & Mother passed away my family kept me in the dark, and tried to keep me from the funerals but I still went, Yesterday we said goodbye to my Wife the same family members refused to attend. Their Loss.

Hazel

[Alice Torn]

I am sorry i have not been there for many of you. Some of you also have been through the family wringer, big losses, and depression. When my dad was my age, i think he was in great shape, lived 33 more years. he outlived my deceased mother by over four years. They had it better than me, and my generation. There were lots of jobs then, and things were generally more stable.

[sue ellan]

Alice so sorry for your loss, I've read how you talked about your dad here and how he was not as wonderful a dad as we all hope for, but you being a good son knew you had to take care of him and that is true love that you had for him.
May your day be blessed.
Leigh

like I say life is like a roll of toilet paper,\. the closer to the end the faster it goes
sue ellan

[Alice Torn]

Sue Ellen, You got that right!