When is the best time to come out as transitioning

[KymberlyOct]

I posted this as a reply to Nigella's 'How do you cope" thread but have realized that the post was somewhat off topic so I will post it here.

A few days ago I had 8 hours of facial electrolysis and as a result I am considering coming out earlier than my original plan. My face is a mess - it will heal - but the reason for my consideration of coming out early is the deception. I had 90 cc of lidocaine injected into my face over 8 hours and could not speak properly well into the next day. I was on the phone telling BS about being at the dentist. Now I don't know how many days I will have to hide at home until my face heals.

I initially had a plan to come out 1 week before FFS. That is complicated as to when for multiple reasons but sometime in 6 to 12 months.

Is it better to come out when you are ready to live full time - or - tell people in advance - I am transgender and I will be transitioning to living as a woman over the next ## number of months. What do other members think is the least stressful way to come out?

I so far have told only 3 people in my personal life that are not professionally related to my transition such as doctors, therapists, service providers etc.

Thanks for your input.
Kym

[Mirya]

For me, the decision to come out happened after HRT. One month after HRT, I knew with certainty that medically transitioning was the right path for me. After that, I spent about a month thinking about how I would come out to my parents and sibling. And then I did. A few months later, I started living full time. It was important for me to let my family know early, as I've always been close to them and spent time with them on a regular basis.

As for my friends, I told them almost immediately after I decided to transition. And when I say friends, I am referring to the life-long, very close friendships I've maintained for more than 20 years. Fortunately for me, they all stuck by me and fully accept me. Sadly, I can't say the same for my family.

[whowhatwhen]

I would not recommend this but I literally did nothing while letting the HRT, hair removal, and hair growth do their thing and I was somewhat passing/blending consistently.

This way you save stress early on, but it just gets pushed back and you have to deal with it later anyway.
Unfortunately there are no easy tricks and the hard parts are going to stay hard no matter what route you take.

[tgirlamc]

Hi Kym!!!

I think the timing is a very personal decision that only you can answer, knowing the people involved and how invested you are in whatever reaction they may have ....I would say that in the end, knowing as I do that you are sure of your course in life, you will be transitioned and I think the people in your life will have much the same view of you whether you tell them sooner or later,... Ease them into it or tell them in a more direct manner.

I would base the timetable on your needs and not on anticipated reactions of others!!! If you are feeling that the time to start going full time, or close to it, is sooner than later, I think it would be good to start soon. It is a process filled with self revelations and learning about some of what lies ahead... The good and the bad... I think you have a eyes wide open approach to this whole process but there is nothing like getting out there and starting to carve out your new spot in the world!!!

Take Care,
Yer Sista :)

[KymberlyOct]

Thanks, Ashley as usual good advice. There are many considerations and are different of course for each person. Work, spouse (not me I'm divorced YEA !! LOL ) friends, family. I am looking forward to a variety of responses as they will give me thoughts to weigh into my decision and I am sure the replies will be helpful to others reading this thread as well.

Running out to the store to buy food. There maybe a frightened stampede of customers running out of the store when they see the condition of my recently worked on face :-D

[I Am Paula]

I think it is all based on your emotional need. The physical can all be faked on way or another. When you say you can not stand one more day- then do it. Don't wait til you cross that imaginary line called passing, as it could be a long way away.

[tgirlamc]

Don't wait til you cross that imaginary line called passing.

Good Advice!!! :)

[Georgette_USA]

My timeline may differ from others.

When my head hair grew out and beard electrolysis was pretty much done and on HRT for a while, came out to my family.
NO old friends to worry about.
After I had my name legally changed came out to work, and hoped for the best, as I had to get new security and work IDs. I was already in contact with doctors for SRS.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kym,

Before I transitioned I had already been presenting in public for some time, my family and friends knew. Work was the line of departure from coexisting to being authentic in all aspects of my life. I did some lead-up prior to the switch date such as informing work so a town hall could be conducted to provide a platform for Q&A from the masses and let them know it was going to happen. Literally one week I was at work in male uniform and the next week I was in female uniform. I think the move to public transition is dependent on the person but for me it was about accepting myself will all my faults (no passing privilege whatsoever) and being comfortable in my own skin to be the woman I needed to be irrespective of what others saw or thought.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Rachel Smith]

I decided to start telling my family about 2 weeks after starting HRT because it was then that I was certain I was gonna transition. The HRT just made me feel so much better than I had my entire life. Up to that point I was sure of only one thing and that was that there was SOMETHING wrong with me.

[MissDanielle]

I came out on FB after a month being on HRT but I'm still presenting as male mainly because I'm waiting for my features to get softer and my boobs to get a bit larger.

[whowhatwhen]

Don't wait til you cross that imaginary line called passing, as it could be a long way away.

Adding to this:
Having to hand over a male ID/documents after passing ranges from cute to horribly embarrassing and or humiliating.

[Brooklyn]

The least stressful way may not always be the best way. There are certain people with whom I wish I had been far more direct and others with whom I should have been more patient. As gut-wrenching as it is for you, it is not easy for the other party either, and everyone has a different reaction and schedule. Coming out is one of the basic things a therapist is supposed to help you with, but not all of them do. You may want to space things out a little so it's not overwhelming and you can focus on one person at a time instead of making a PSA and then be unable to listen to all the responses people will have. Also, if you haven't started hormones, then you probably should begin that first. Some people start HRT and then find they don't like the way it makes them feel, but if they are right for you, you'll likely be feeling a little better a few weeks or so afterwards and be more able to deal with the stress coming out will certainly bring.

[becky77]

Simple answer is when you need to.

I have goals but I go alot by my feelings, I did it in two stages family and friends (went part time) then a year later work. That year before full-time prepared me well lots of experience, laser, HRT so I was good and ready for work.

What I did do was tell the most important people one on one and both family and work I gave a period of adjustment before 'the reveal'.
For work I gave them 3 months and access to my facebook which I'm told helped because they had time to digest the pictures and it took away this fear I would be some kind of scary lady clown!
But I couldn't last the three months I was ready so I brought the date forward, that year spent part time meant I was comfortable with myself and confident as a woman now so much so going full-time was pretty easy, I had done much of the hard adjusting work part-time.

[KymberlyOct]

thanks Becky, that was very helpful. Nearly all replies on this forum are, some are just more applicable to a certain person's situation than others.
Kym

[Shelby11]

For me I started seeing a gender therapist 2014 came out to my wife at the time and mom july 2014 my ex and I divorced sept 2014 I started hormones Oct 2014 , then I started telling close friends and family and clients I came out publically March 2015 on facebook I had clients on there and wanted to make sure they all knew I did hair removal in 2014-2015 I did Breast Aug April 2016 had to have them removed due to an infection a month later devastating , will do again Sept 2016 and will do srs this year calling today to get a date

[Badtranny]

Mostly pretty decent advice, by people that have at least allegedly actually done it. (with a couple of exceptions)

I say just come out. I'm NOT saying cross dress at every available opportunity. Just come out as a person who is transgender and is in the process of transitioning. By the time I came to work with a new name, I had already been talking about it for a year, and EVERYBODY already knew what was coming.

I don't suggest openly cross dressing too early in the process because you WILL look like a dude in a dress. Transitioning has nothing to do with dresses anyway. The first thing you have to do is get comfortable with being a woman in a male body. People will laugh at you, whisper about you and feel sorry for you but you are either going to claim your identity or you're not.

This is a long process so the sooner you get used to talking about it the better. It's been said many times here that "becoming" is more about shedding the pretense than it is about learning how to be a woman. That is a process that takes a good while so the sooner you can come out and admit to people that you never felt like a man inside the better. Again I say that any over the top cross dressing should be reserved for special events and certainly not in the daylight. You're not trying to hide yourself with wigs and makeup, you are trying to reveal yourself as the person you really are. Your feminine expression should be innate and subtle. If your sole purpose of transitioning is to wear dresses and heels to work, then it's gonna be a rough road for you.

If a gender transition is in your future, then start talking about it. Start shedding your dude act. Start losing weight. Start HRT. Start hair removal. Start saving money. Start coming out. These are all things you can do immediately and they're all a LOT easier to say than to do. Notice how I didn't say anything about a wardrobe? It's because it doesn't matter. Heels and panties are the LEAST important part of this process. Do yourself a favor and just forget about the trappings of femininity for awhile. You've got plenty to keep you busy otherwise, and it starts with coming out.

[KymberlyOct]

Thanks Bad Tranny, Now THAT is good advice. I was kind of on that road anyway but you strongly reinforced it. I have come out to my brother / sis in law and one cis woman. Also all of my doctors. Started facial electrolysis with an 8 hour 2 person session last week OUCH. But the timing of your reply is absolutely amazing. 5 minutes ago I left a message for my best friend to call me. I am going to come out to him as soon as he has time available to get together. This is even a bigger deal because I am a transplant to Mpls so he is like my family here. Drives me to the hospital for heart and cancer stuff plus I owe him very significant money some of which I have repaid but the cost of transition may become a factor regarding that. I just don't feel I can lie to him by omission anymore, and for myself the secret is getting too heavy.

Your advice was a bulls-eye.
THANKS
Kym

[tgirlamc]

Now THAT is good advice

Bravo!!! (again) Badtranny!!! That post should be required reading for all at the beginning of transition!

[Jennifer-GWN]

Come out when you feel it the right time and your ready. There's an aspect of "have too" in there for good measure but I personally think it's best to do and prepare to the degree you can before pulling the pin. Sometimes that might mean a bit of personal sacrifice for the greater long term good. Keep in mind it's not just you that's transitioning it's also the people around you who have to adjust as well. It all come back to planning and a bit of looking at your own situation objectively from the 3rd person can be helpful. Holding back at bit to ready might make the transition more smooth in the long run. And for heavens sake... Be humble in the processes... There's no point getting knickers in a knot on little things and inflated expectations. Slow, steady, and breath with patience.

[MissDanielle]

I don't suggest openly cross dressing too early in the process because you WILL look like a dude in a dress. Transitioning has nothing to do with dresses anyway. The first thing you have to do is get comfortable with being a woman in a male body. People will laugh at you, whisper about you and feel sorry for you but you are either going to claim your identity or you're not.This is one of the big areas I am struggling with...can't wear the clothes I want to but at the very least I was able to find bermuda shorts that I could pull off since I can't really pull of the short shorts just yet.

[PaulaQ]

I advise coming out as early as possible with friends and family you care about keeping. If you try to wait until you can magically overnight transition, you'll either change too much for your loved ones to keep up with, or you will likely focus on superficial visual change - which is sadly not even remotely the hard part of transition in my opinion.


For work, living full-time, waiting until you've made some progress on HRT is helpful.

There is a balance here between minimizing bad social consequences and learning to live as a woman. Be warned, I've never seen anyone try to "ta-da ,I'm a woman surprise!" after completing the bulk of physical transition before coming out not be pretty miserable in the end. (I'm not suggesting the OP would do such a thing, just a cautionary word from me.)

[KymberlyOct]

Well as the OP I am here to report I just got home from one of the top 2 toughest conversations, my best friend who is 12 years older than me. As a friend told me and my brother as well, 'put on your big girl panties" Well I did, but also cried like a little girl LOL. It went very well, he was very supportive.

As tgirlamc said - BadTranny's post should be required reading for all about to transition. Paula's most recent comment was very good too. I would still love to hear more. I am just in the beginning steps and of course this is not all about me. Others reading this thread could benefit from the wisdom of the group as well.

I'm spent - I need a drink LOL

[tgirlamc]

Those big girl panties are a perfect fit Kym!!! ...Congrats on these first few brave steps down the road!!!

Sis :)

[Badtranny]

This is one of the big areas I am struggling with...can't wear the clothes I want to but at the very least I was able to find bermuda shorts that I could pull off since I can't really pull of the short shorts just yet.

Look Miss D, stop worrying about clothes for a minute. You have youth on your side so every ounce of pain you experience now will be rewarded with POUNDS of joy down the road. You can't possibly understand this, but every single one of us older transitioners would have LOVED to have had the courage to face the truth when we were your age. We didn't. We let fear rule our lives until we finally sprouted the courage to face the the inevitable.

Do yourself and all of us older broads a favor and face the fear now.

Now I'm gonna tell you a secret, the biggest fear you need to overcome is going to be the fear of being transsexual. I know it sounds weird, but until you really understand and accept who you are, you will never really be able to believe that anyone else can accept you. The first transphobe you have to deal with is you.

In regard to crossdressing, why don't you just stop it and try expressing yourself in every other way? What if you were a woman who was forced to wear men's clothes? I know how I would deal with it, and I know how my friends would deal with it. (By the way, I'm not even thinking about underdressing as some kind of 'relief') Cross dressing is confusion not transition. When you are clear on who you are, the costume is no longer necessary and the clothes become simply fashion and expression.

When riding my motorcycle I express myself with jeans and awesome leather chaps. Some girls would prefer leather pants. Some girls would rather have sport bike pants. There's a zillion ways to express your feminine self in riding gear yet the material and fit is very similar to the men's gear. What's different? Color, buckles, fringe, etc? It's the retails that make the difference. So, address the details in your transition and your expression.

Your identity should inform your presentation, not the other way around.

[PaulaQ]

but until you really understand and accept who you are, you will never really be able to believe that anyone else can accept you. The first transphobe you have to deal with is you.

Yes, this is it exactly!

It's kinda like what happens to this guy, who makes the mistake of doubting his footing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_d8ROhH3_vs

Never look down. Never doubt yourself either.

[LeaP]

I'm definitely projecting here, so take it with a grain of salt, but you can't control timing as to transition. I started out in the "come out when someone has a need to know" camp. And that's the route I took as I tripped down the transition path. Right up until my job was eliminated in a reorg. So, I'm out to a lot of people (including most of family) with no clear timing any longer. That's life.

The one thing I can speak to without caveat is your question on stress. Believe it or not, after you've told the first few, it's a cakewalk. No stress at all. That doesn't mean I'm indiscriminate, but when I need to say something, it's quite easy. Last time was getting eyebrows waxed. I wanted a feminine arch and the fastest way to get the message across with the least weirdness was to tell her I was trans. No problem and nothing new to her.

[Eringirl]

For me, I came out very early to family, and a few close friends. I realized early on that I wasn't transitioning in isolation.....everyone around me had to transition a bit as well, as they had to adjust. I had 55 years to noodle it around in my furry little brain, so why should I expect them to process it all in minutes or hours, or days, or weeks!! To that end, I didn't go full time until I thought I was completely ready... mentally, emotionally, and to a great degree, physically. But that was just me. The hardest of acceptances was not the acceptance of others, but self acceptance. True, deep down, no more doubts, acceptance of my true self. With that, I was (and still am) able to walk tall, be happy, love myself and be patient with others. That seems to have worked for me. I have had nothing, NOTHING but the greatest degree of acceptance from my work place. The compassion when I came out was overwhelming. And that was just in my department of 350 people, all of whom know who I am, as I am highly visible, being a member of the "C-Suite". Have they messed up on my name or pronouns?? Yup! Does it concern me? Nope! I have been in the organization for 21 years, it is going to take more than overnight for them to make new "neural connections" so to speak. They always correct themselves and apologize before I can even open my mouth. And it is getting less and less frequent all the time. Virtually zero now. Outside of work, I never get miss gendered. A few have told me that it is very easy for them, as there is no doubt in my appearance, attitude, and comfort, that I am a woman. So, my waiting was able to help them with their transition wrt me.

All of this to say, I waited until I was ready. Was it a long wait? About an extra 6-8 months. After 55 years, what's another few months? I was good with that. But again, this is just me, my decision, what I thought would work best for me and my situation. YMMV

[becky77]

What Lea said, you become immune to it. You typically tell the most important people to you first so after that it does truly become no biggie after a while I was totally emotionally detached in a weird way people took that for confidence and it helped reinforce the message.

I remember when telling someone I was trans was the worse thing ever, next thing you just don't give a flip, now I'm reluctant again as somehow I seem to pass and don't particularly want people to view me differently. Of course then when you get to know someone they start getting to know you and at what point do you tell the truth or lie.

Oh joy it's such fun and games this transition lark.

[MissDanielle]

I don't even view it as CDing at all.

[Badtranny]

I don't even view it as CDing at all.

Oh? Well in that case why all the consternation about not being able to dress how you like?

If it's not CD'ing than why not just wear whatever you want?

[KymberlyOct]

Before this thread comes to an end as they all do I would like to thank EVERYONE for your replies. Some were more applicable to me or impactful but maybe other women reading found that other replies were more useful to them. Some of these threads I start are out of curiosity or to start what I think are interesting conversations. This was more of a direct application. It has helped both my discovery process and moved me forward regarding coming out and I am fortunate that in most instances it is going very well so far. So THANKS !!!
Kym

[RylieM]

For me its stages i've told those who see me the most and therefor most likely to notice something first and now i'm spreading out to close ish extended family but planning to exclude anyone i dont see at all or those who dont really need to know just yet. I'm a very long way from showing i may finally start hrt monday i dunno and I refuse to present as a woman untill I can talk, act, and look enough like one to pass at a distance or at least make people think a bit harder about what gender I am.

[Rogina B]

I refuse to present as a woman untill I can talk, act, and look enough like one to pass at a distance or at least make people think a bit harder about what gender I am.

Street time is an important part of learning..Don't underestimate it's value. Gotta shoot if you wanna score.. in other words..get out there..

[MissDanielle]

Oh? Well in that case why all the consternation about not being able to dress how you like?

If it's not CD'ing than why not just wear whatever you want?

I can't pass to save my life right now and I still need to get started on voice therapy...but there's that whole insurance factor at hand--I can get insurance through work that meets the minimum for ACA but even then, medical expenses are up through the roof.

[Marcelle]

Miss Daniel,

I think you are missing Bad Tranny's advice. While it would be nice to be seen as a woman (pass) IMHO while some of us may with the intervention of surgery and hormones (and blessed genetics) others of us will never pass. But that is not the point . . . it is about comfort with yourself, accepting yourself and being able to project that to the world. I will never pass, will never seek surgery to correct facial features nor am I undergoing HRT (BTW this is no slag against those who don't) . . . we each choose our transition and this is my path and it might not be yours. However, when I am going about life irrespective of how I am dressed, I project who I am to the world . . . a woman. Now I am not delusional and I know what people see but how I interact and my very essence is woman so I get treated accordingly.

Cheers

Marcelle

[RylieM]

Street time is an important part of learning..Don't underestimate it's value. Gotta shoot if you wanna score.. in other words..get out there..

I understand that however i haven't even started a medical transition yet nor i can i even afford hair removal, makeup, or much of a wardrobe at this time so now isn't the right time at all but im working towards it.

[Eryn]

I didn't come out to anyone until my electrolysis was nearly done and after a year on HRT. I spent quite a few red-faced days at work, but there are a number of therapies that produce that symptom.

For yourself, you'll have to pick the timing that fits your entire situation. One size definitely does not fit all!

[MissDanielle]

Miss Daniel,
Deadname :(

I should make this very clear: I don't have a car. I take public transit. My current health insurance is crap. Because of taking public transit and walking everywhere, I would prefer to not be assaulted due to gender expression.

[Marcelle]

Miss Danielle,

My apologies it was not on purpose . . . it was a typo. Just trying to bring clarity to some advice given . . . if I offended again . . . my apologies. Good luck with your future endeavors.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Badtranny]

Deadname :(

you have GOT to be kidding. I am highly doubtful that Marcelle knew your dude name, and it was clearly a typo. Secondly, you answer to that 'dead' name all day long during the course of your normal life. You do not have a dead name until you complete the process of changing your name. This is just another example of people who don't do the hard stuff wanting to adopt transition terminology and demand respect as a transitioner without doing ANY of the work required to transition.


I should make this very clear: I don't have a car. I take public transit. My current health insurance is crap. Because of taking public transit and walking everywhere, I would prefer to not be assaulted due to gender expression.

...well, being young does have it's disadvantages, but what does any of that have to do with the advice I gave you earlier in this thread? How are you going to get assaulted if you're not crossdressing? If your self expression is limited to women's clothes than do yourself a favor and stop worrying about a gender transition. You need to get serious about this and dig deep to find out what the women's clothing is all about. If you think it's hard to come out, then wait till you see how hard it is to live those first couple of years full time. You'll pine for the easy days of coming out.

You're scared now, so use this time while you're learning how to manage your fear to learn about yourself as well. Ask the tough questions, why do you want to do this? Why are you obsessed with wearing clothes as a feminine expression? Start doing the internal work of transition because believe me, self discovery and self acceptance WILL be done, sooner or later. It just gets a lot harder and a lot more painful as the years tick by.

Forget the clothes and the outward stuff. Transition is an inside job.



I didn't come out to anyone until my electrolysis was nearly done and after a year on HRT. I spent quite a few red-faced days at work, but there are a number of therapies that produce that symptom.
For yourself, you'll have to pick the timing that fits your entire situation. One size definitely does not fit all!

Hmmmm, well I suppose one could let fear manage their timetables, but I'm an advocate of overcoming fear altogether.

You are correct that one size doesn't fit all, but what you are proposing is basically more lies and more hiding. Transition is about claiming your life, and I would never suggest that a transitioner be ashamed and lie about what he or she is doing. No. The secrets and lies and shame need to stop.

[jentay1367]

Transition is about claiming your life, and I would never suggest that a transitioner be ashamed and lie about what he or she is doing. No. The secrets and lies and shame need to stop.

I see no shame in "lying" or "keeping secrets" at least temporarily, if what it does is allow for preparation and steeling yourself to future confrontation. Particularly if you are in a position to do so. I can certainly appreciate how some just say screw it and profess their trans sexuality to everyone and let the chips fall where they may, but others either don't have that kind of dedication nor do they want to. No one wants to deal with confrontation and much of what I and others have chosen to do mitigates those reactions....or at least it will in our minds. Heading pell-mell, headlong into the fray may be admirable, but it can also wreck plans, desire, hope and perhaps outcome. So though I wish anyone success with the tact they choose, I definitely see a million and one ways to do this thing. Lisa

[Mirya]

Danielle, I have to agree with Melissa on most of the things she wrote. Sitting at home and never going out as yourself is not going to accomplish anything. If your plan is to stay closeted at home until one day where you just magically pass 100%, that's never going to happen. Not having a car is just an excuse. Not having started voice therapy is just an excuse. I personally know plenty of trans women who live in Chicago who are out all the time who don't own cars, who don't have voice training... and yet I still see them all the time.

As for your safety concerns, you are very unlikely to be "assaulted due to gender expression". You live in Chicago, which is one of the most accommodating and accepting cities in the world for LGBT people! If you're still deathly afraid despite that fact, start out by going to a transgender support group meeting. There are plenty in the Chicago area: Chicago Gender Society, Howard Brown's T-Time, and Center on Halsted's TQI Lounge. I've been to all of those meetings multiple times, as I live in the Chicago metro area, and I see plenty of people who don't pass at all in those meetings... almost none have had voice training. Some haven't done any laser hair removal. And some haven't even started HRT yet. Many are struggling with finances like you. I know one young trans girl who's literally homeless. And yet there they are, being their real and authentic selves, and figuring out their place in the world. You can easily reach Howard Brown or Center on Halsted via mass transit (and most of the people who go to those meetings use public transportation to get there anyway). Maybe I'll see you at one of those meetings someday! No more excuses!!!

[Zooey]

Somebody started in on this earlier, but it bears repeating. How well you physically pass at some undetermined point in the future is, at best, a crapshoot. HRT is not magic, and so I worry for anybody who is waiting for the magic to happen so they can pass. Passing is at least half about getting comfortable with yourself, and being you.

You may never be pretty. You may never look cis. You need to be prepared for that and comfortable being YOU. You might turn into a supermodel - enjoy it if it happens, but don't stake your identity on it. There will always be something to be afraid of. There will always be a looming threat around the corner. You have two choices - face it, or don't. For somebody who needs to transition, the latter is often a far more punishing path than the former.

I understand your fears, but deciding to just live your life the way you need to really is the hard work. There's a lot of internal stuff you'll deal with as part of that. There's a lot of external stuff you'll deal with as part of that. All of it will be hard, but that's kinda the deal.

[KymberlyOct]

Danielle You have to decide if this is what you want. That is not meant as judgment. Maybe transition is or is not for you and either choice is fine. This is about determining who you are and then living your life as such. The members that have replied most recently to this thread are much farther down the road than I am but I have been getting a taste of it lately.

I am probably where you will be after taking your first few steps if you choose to do so. It is hard. I have come out to 5 people. Cried once and almost again a second time. Now I have spent the last 10 days lying to people about what is wrong with my face after it is not healing well due to a full face electrolysis. Also when I go to my visits at the therapist I have to lie about that too. The lying is going to have to end very soon when I start HRT next month.

Nobody is trying to tell you to transition, that is up to you, rather they are giving you good advice as to how to transition if that is the path you choose to take. The real question for you is do you want to do the hard work? Is it worth that much to you? That is not a challenge. The question is - Is transitioning worth the struggle for you?

As someone that is just stepping out on the path I can already see the road ahead is going to be rocky, the question is how badly do you need to get to the other side.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think if you step back, the time to tell people is when you are really ready to get going with whatever you are doing..

telling people when you are still in limbo is just asking for issues to pop up..

you want to control your process as best you can..but it can take a long time even in well planned situations

perfection is not an option

[whowhatwhen]

I lied to everyone and kept myself hidden but in the end it worked out so...
Do whatever works and or makes you happy.

[JanePeterson]

The lying is going to have to end very soon when I start HRT next month.

Kymberly, I'm about 5 months ahead of you on the transition train... and the lying just gets harder and harder as time goes by. Once I fully accepted WHO and WHAT I am at the core, its become extremely hard to lie about it - the hard part today isn't deciding when to come out, its being patient and being smart about disclosure.

After a life of lies, who wants to tell more once they finally learn the truth?

As for your original question, I think coming out to the people you care about should come when you feel you are ready to - I found myself telling friends when I realized I missed them, as i have pretty much ceased being able to socialize within the context of my male life. Id just go with your gut, be prepared for BAD reactions, but be ready for people to surprise you :).

[Badtranny]

I see no shame in "lying" or "keeping secrets" at least temporarily,

This is the problem with being closeted. After a lifetime of being a confused terrified closet case, I finally came to a place where I also didn't see any shame in lying or keeping secrets.

...and THAT scared me right out of the closet.

When I say transition is an inside job, this is the work I'm talking about. Look at who you are, the life you're living, the dreams you're ignoring, the people you care so little about that you hide from them every single day. Don't try to couch this in timing and strategy. You are afraid and ashamed, and that frankly is a perfectly natural reaction to something like this, but fear and shame will never be mitigated by schedules and plans.

Fear and shame must be faced, recognized, and called out. You won't beat them until you defeat them, and there's only one way to do that.

[jentay1367]

I appreciate Misty being here cuz I figure she needs this crap like she needs a hole in her head. I understand that she is here to guide us at expense of her time and resources. None of that is lost on me. Am I a coward? Probably. Based on her experience and advice, I'll probably look back and wonder why I didn't follow her advice. I guess it's harder on some of us than others. Lack of Character? guts? fortitude? ........who knows why. But I just don't see myself taking her path. I know others feel like this as well. I guess I just want to say to her, don't give up on us, some of us are running as fast as we can.

[Badtranny]

awww Jentay, thank you.

I do want you to understand and everyone else too for that matter, that when I talk about shit like this I'm not talking to YOU specifically. I'm using your comments as a stage but I'm really talking to the hundred or so people that are lurking and looking for answers. Obviously my comments probably apply to you since you were the impetus, BUT I never want anyone to take me personally. I'm not attacking anyone, I'm attacking the perspective, the argument, the zeitgeist.

You know it was only a few years ago when I was completely clueless about this stuff. My first steps at discovery and self realization got me banned a few times from here. It's safe to say that I wasn't taking this stuff very seriously and I'm sorry to say that I may never have opened my eyes if it weren't for that car wreck that shook me awake. This forum and the TS gals (like Kaitlyn, and a few others) really changed my life.

The things that I talk about here are lessons that I've learned the hard way. Yes, much of it is colored with my particular style of communication, and I probably opine more than I should, but the root of what I'm talking about is inarguable. These are universal truths that apply to almost everything but I would say ESPECIALLY to transition. If you are transgender or not, doing the hard work of self discovery will pay off in huge dividends. People go through their whole lives not doing this work and I'm certain that they regret it in the end.

One of my good friends (a cis female) told me once that I was really lucky to have found what it is that was holding me back. "I wish I could find out what my problem is" She said.

We all have issues that need work, cross dressing or wanting to be a girl or hating your penis are just clues. Sign posts if you will. What do they mean? Not every transitioner should have transitioned and not every petrified closet case is safe in their closet. The very first step in any of this is to strip it all away and find out who you really are. There is no way to do that in secret. It just isn't possible. Secrets from the world are simply issues that you are afraid to face.

You have guts Jentay. My path is my own, but your path won't reveal itself until you start cutting through the secrets and lies and shame.

[pamela7]

i agree with Melissa completely. I did my big personal inner work over many years before I even came across the trans aspect, and it has made the process so much easier for me than i see others struggling. The road has to be travelled, but it's a walk in the park once the inner stuff is resolved.

xxx Pam

[KymberlyOct]

Thanks Melissa for taking the time to write that explanation. I have only been on this site for a couple of months. When I first starting reading BadTranny posts I thought - there is a whole lot of attitude, probably right but still a lot of attitude. After spending some time on here in addition to beginning the self exploration of myself and taking the initial steps to transition I strongly encourage those of you reading but not posting to listen to what she says.

As a 'let's all get along type' of person I can tell you that regardless of the directness or bluntness she knows what she is talking about. It is clear to me already.
I want to pile on to the thanks for staying around on this site. You have helped me already and I have been coming out sooner in part because of your comments. BTW same thing my therapist told me. :-)