Out with my new doctor but still paused in transition...

[LoriFlores]

I have my annual physical scheduled with my new VA doctor this week. I have requested a female primary care physician and have decided that I can be completely out with her about my "gender dysphoria." I'm also happy to have discovered that Planned Parenthood facilitates transgender HRT care.
I haven't posted in a while and as you may recall I have paused my transition to save my marriage. I believe we have a good life together and have achieved much of the material well being you could hope for in a marriage. We attended therapy sessions last year after reaching a crisis point in our relationship due to my slide towards transition. We had extensive discussions on my thoughts of beginning HRT which my therapist was supportive of, my wife not so much. During therapy I came to understand that I must be prepared to loose everything (including our marriage) if I chose to continue. At that time I decided a pause was the best path. I'm retired and splitting everything would just impoverish us both.
My wife has generally been OK with the pause and has begrudgingly accepted my androgynous appearance. Although she does make comments like today such as "You're beginning to look like Bruce Jenner, next your going to be announcing to everyone your transition." She is very homophobic and conservative politically, opposite of myself.
It hasn't been easy. If I don't keep myself completely busy with assorted projects, I estimate that I spend on average 15 minutes of every hour thinking about and frustrated about the testosterone poisoning that has effected my body :-(
I don't see an out for my predicament... beyond the ultimate action :-(
I've started buying lottery tickets in the hopes of a Hail Mary save that could allow my wife and I to life comfortably (although separately) and fund my transition.
Thanks for listening (if you made it this far). I don't expect any answers to my situation. Maybe just my acknowledgement that trying to live life in a mid point of transition seems impossible... others experience my differ.

[OCCarly]

You might want to seriously consider low dose hormones. If you are retired, then career/employment cannot be a concern to your wife. So what is her concern? Friends/relatives/social groups? Physical attraction/changes to your body? Or is it just "I'm a conservative and I am right about everything."

My wife was very concerned when I started hormones, but she warmed considerably when she saw that they turned me from a constantly grumpy, irritable, anxiety ridden misanthrope into a kind, patient, warm, loving, and happy person. And even though I am on a full transition dose (1 month so far) so far I can hide the changes to my body under my male clothes, and just go on being "that guy" when I need to be. And being the guy no longer gives me distress, because my brain is on the right set of hormones, and my body is just girly enough that wearing guy clothes no longer bothers me.

I do think some sort of compromise is possible.

[LoriFlores]

So what is her concern? Friends/relatives/social groups? Physical attraction/changes to your body? Or is it just "I'm a conservative and I am right about everything."

I believe that it is all of these. Having married, and continued friendships from my time in the military, I think she is panicked that her/our friends will not be accepting, Also a discussion during our therapy sessions of the physical changes that HRT could/would bring was a sudden deal breaker during therapy. Beyond that, she accepts the Trump side of politics, although in a bow towards my disagreement she has elected just not to vote, but I still have to listen to the rhetoric...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

its interesting her compromise is to not vote, yours is to not live an authentic life...


the bottom line in my opionion is that the march of time and level of your gender dysphoria will tell the tale for you..
if you can get through this way then it makes sense...also if you benefit from your appearance and i'm sure when you wife says you are looking like KJenner then its a subtle nod that she "sees you"... which is a big part of feeling ok..hope you are feeling ok

[JanePeterson]

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation... Is your marriage and material wealth really worth living a life of regret and anger?

[Heidi Stevens]

Carly has a good idea, Lori. I'm in a similar situation with my wife and it took taking a tough small step to reach a state of contentment on both sides.

Like Carly, I too have had a radical change in my attitude and anxiety by going to HRT. I convinced my wife that I was suffering very much from anxiety and that a solution might be HRT. I asked her to make a deal with me that if at anytime she did not like what the HRT was doing, I would leave, but reluctantly. Even with all her objections to my condition, she did agree to the treatment. We both are committed to our marriage and we want to stay together, so we found a way to move forward. I started on a very low doseage and saw changes immediately. One month later she saw the first evidence of positive change on an air flight that had a bunch of autistic kids sitting in front of us. I was the calm one and she had reached a breaking point. I pointed that fact out to her later. Time has passed and I have slowly upped my doseage, but I'm much calmer and empathetic than before. She is very pleased with my personality and has eased somewhat on her objections, but still expresses her discuss.
So this may be a solution to your problem. Your marriage is headed for a split anyway if you don't get some relief, so why not sit down and and work out a plan to get past this hurdle. If you get the same results Carly and I have gotten, your wife may come around to see that you needed this help and have become a much better person. I wish you good luck.

[KymberlyOct]

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation... Is your marriage and material wealth really worth living a life of regret and anger?


its interesting her compromise is to not vote, yours is to not live an authentic life...

Lori, The one lesson I have learned in life in general not the world of being trans is that people do not change unless they want to from within which is rare. You may make deals and compromises with your wife and that is a part of marriage and relationships. But those compromises IMHO are about specific actions ( I will be more considerate about doing this / or saying that for example ) and are not related to compromises about a person's view on life and the world we live in and how we live our lives. I truly and sincerely hope it works out for you in a manner that brings you peace and happiness.

But I do have to echo Jane and Kaitlyn's opinions then ask you - how much of yourself can you give up and still be happy?

Your following comment speaks volumes.


I've started buying lottery tickets in the hopes of a Hail Mary save that could allow my wife and I to life comfortably (although separately) and fund my transition.

Sorry Lori, Not trying to bring you down, truly trying to help. It pains me to see someone unhappy that just wants to be their true self. I hope you are doing OK emotionally with all of this and maybe your therapist could be of some help one on one.