cdsammy80
07-05-2016, 06:58 PM
Hi all, I just wrote this post and was about to put it in introductions when I realised it was probably a bit long. So here it is. It's not really a question, it's just more my current situation. I think I needed to write it for myself, to see it written makes it more real.
In places it may make no sense at all, as with all computers I have a spell check but not a sanity check.
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Hi, I'm Sammy from the UK.
After being a member here for a long time and only ever posting once or twice it is a strange experience to want to introduce myself. After living this life for 36 years I'm coming to the conclusion that the whole thing is a strange experience.
I recently had an epiphany about the acceptance of change and my inability to control the world around me. That in itself has led to a shift in my thinking about my crossdressing, which is why I am here again.
Hopefully this time around I might get a little more involved in the forum and get to know some of you.
For years I have been a closeted crossdresser, running scared from the mere mention of the word for fear some invisible anti-crossdressing ninjas would leap out and tell the world what I was. I'm not really sure what I was, or why I was dressing up as a woman.
Three or four years ago my SO found some panties in the bedroom and a long and very rational, calm conversation took place. I realise that I am in the really lucky group of people who has an understanding and supportive partner.
We shopped for wigs together, found clothes for me to wear and have had a few of great weekends together.
Ever since my SO has known I have dressed less and less frequently. Because she knows I feel as if I have to ask her every time I want to. I then got into this weird internal dilemma about how often is too often to ask, will she get scared if it becomes too often and then run away, will it eventually freak her out entirely. Please do understand that my SO is very supportive, all of the nonsense that runs around inside my head is entirely my own struggle with myself and my own insecurities.
A couple of months ago I was online doing some late night reading (who knows what I was reading that night, you know what its like, you start with a wikipedia article on zebras and end up with diy amplifiers) and I stumbled across an article titled something along the lines of "10 groups of people it's ok to hate". The article was written as if to be funny and I think perhaps on any other given day it would have amused me with its targeting of hipsters and the like. For whatever reason I got to the end of something that was full of bile, hate and anger to be dumbfounded by the realisation that I could have written that article. That I was becoming the sarcastic cynical know it all with opinions on everything and answers to nothing.
Since then I have started making changes in my life, taking control of the things that I can, accepting the things that I can't. My acceptance has even started to cross over in accepting my dressing. I had a discussion with my SO and have now put one night a week aside for me to dress, this is the seventh week in a row I have sat in my house and felt relaxed and normal whilst dressed the way I want. My SO is out for most of the night that we have put aside, this was at my request. I want to get to the point that I am comfortable with myself and for me some of that just involves doing the hoovering, some work at my desk or any other number of normal activities without worrying that someone else is trying to work out why I enjoy this even before I have worked it out.
On my Tuesday night, we both get home from work, she goes out, I get dressed, 4 hours later she comes home and the best bit is I don't have to panic as the key turns in the lock, I don't have to run upstairs pretending I suddenly had to use the bathroom before she sees me. We chat for an hour or so and then she goes to bed. I'm always up late so I stay up for a couple of hours put on my sleepwear and eventually go to bed, knowing that in the morning I get that little pick me up before I get too far into Wednesday.
All of this has led me to realise that I dress up because I enjoy it, because I take pleasure from it and because it helps me feel a little more balanced. Up until recently had you seen me dressed you could have justifiably said "are you enjoying yourself? perhaps you should tell your face". So I've started smiling, I've started being less negative and started to accept who I am. I realise that "because I enjoy it" is not much of an answer but it's all I need for now. Just allowing myself the simple pleasure of enjoying crossdressing is so freeing compared to my lifelong experience of feeling nothing but shame and horror at my own actions.
Thanks for reading, thanks for existing, knowing that it's not just me has made these last few years a lot easier.
In places it may make no sense at all, as with all computers I have a spell check but not a sanity check.
-----------------------
Hi, I'm Sammy from the UK.
After being a member here for a long time and only ever posting once or twice it is a strange experience to want to introduce myself. After living this life for 36 years I'm coming to the conclusion that the whole thing is a strange experience.
I recently had an epiphany about the acceptance of change and my inability to control the world around me. That in itself has led to a shift in my thinking about my crossdressing, which is why I am here again.
Hopefully this time around I might get a little more involved in the forum and get to know some of you.
For years I have been a closeted crossdresser, running scared from the mere mention of the word for fear some invisible anti-crossdressing ninjas would leap out and tell the world what I was. I'm not really sure what I was, or why I was dressing up as a woman.
Three or four years ago my SO found some panties in the bedroom and a long and very rational, calm conversation took place. I realise that I am in the really lucky group of people who has an understanding and supportive partner.
We shopped for wigs together, found clothes for me to wear and have had a few of great weekends together.
Ever since my SO has known I have dressed less and less frequently. Because she knows I feel as if I have to ask her every time I want to. I then got into this weird internal dilemma about how often is too often to ask, will she get scared if it becomes too often and then run away, will it eventually freak her out entirely. Please do understand that my SO is very supportive, all of the nonsense that runs around inside my head is entirely my own struggle with myself and my own insecurities.
A couple of months ago I was online doing some late night reading (who knows what I was reading that night, you know what its like, you start with a wikipedia article on zebras and end up with diy amplifiers) and I stumbled across an article titled something along the lines of "10 groups of people it's ok to hate". The article was written as if to be funny and I think perhaps on any other given day it would have amused me with its targeting of hipsters and the like. For whatever reason I got to the end of something that was full of bile, hate and anger to be dumbfounded by the realisation that I could have written that article. That I was becoming the sarcastic cynical know it all with opinions on everything and answers to nothing.
Since then I have started making changes in my life, taking control of the things that I can, accepting the things that I can't. My acceptance has even started to cross over in accepting my dressing. I had a discussion with my SO and have now put one night a week aside for me to dress, this is the seventh week in a row I have sat in my house and felt relaxed and normal whilst dressed the way I want. My SO is out for most of the night that we have put aside, this was at my request. I want to get to the point that I am comfortable with myself and for me some of that just involves doing the hoovering, some work at my desk or any other number of normal activities without worrying that someone else is trying to work out why I enjoy this even before I have worked it out.
On my Tuesday night, we both get home from work, she goes out, I get dressed, 4 hours later she comes home and the best bit is I don't have to panic as the key turns in the lock, I don't have to run upstairs pretending I suddenly had to use the bathroom before she sees me. We chat for an hour or so and then she goes to bed. I'm always up late so I stay up for a couple of hours put on my sleepwear and eventually go to bed, knowing that in the morning I get that little pick me up before I get too far into Wednesday.
All of this has led me to realise that I dress up because I enjoy it, because I take pleasure from it and because it helps me feel a little more balanced. Up until recently had you seen me dressed you could have justifiably said "are you enjoying yourself? perhaps you should tell your face". So I've started smiling, I've started being less negative and started to accept who I am. I realise that "because I enjoy it" is not much of an answer but it's all I need for now. Just allowing myself the simple pleasure of enjoying crossdressing is so freeing compared to my lifelong experience of feeling nothing but shame and horror at my own actions.
Thanks for reading, thanks for existing, knowing that it's not just me has made these last few years a lot easier.