Found Out

[Cristy2]

I'm in a situation right now where I have to keep everything very very very discrete and closeted. I had this horrible dream where I was found out by the worst possible family member ever and needless to say it was not a pretty situation. I'll not bore you with all the details.

I'm curious, what would you do if you were found out? Or how did you handle being found out? I'm sure it is just a matter of time before I am found out.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Cristy,

I totally understand how you feel about being discrete and closeted. For me mostly it was job and immediate family, not so much my wife. But her family and some friends on both sides. So I have to be careful. However accidents do happen... A coworker will put their hand on your back to wish you "good job" or someone being sympathetic will offer a hug and in both cases they will feel your bra strap or band... Some are discrete and some are not. Usually quick thinking can get you out of most. However for family... Don't keep secrets. They will find out. Not "if". And when they do it can get ugly. Communication is the key.

The first time at work a coworker leaned over my shoulder and as soon as her hand touched my shoulder she asked me. I told her the truth, I was sure if I made something up my secret would spread. So far at work only three people know. Two by accident the other I had told her, I thought she knew.

The second time was the worst outing. It was at the gym, most of the crowd knows me in the early morning, and I have known them for almost eight years. I attend an exercise class called body pump on Monday & Wednesday from 6:00 - 7:00 am. One of the ladies noticed that I shave my underarms as we were stretching before class. My t-shirt was an extra large and the sleeve slipped down to reveal. I never wear tank tops so she was the lucky one, though I am not sure if anyone had ever noticed before they didn't confront me. She (Melissa) did. She made the comment "Do you shave your armpits so your bras fit better?" I guess my face gave me away, even though I said no. So she reached into her bag and handed me a sports bra and asked me to put it on. So I removed my shirt and put it on right there in front of her and the other ladies as they were setting up their area. Then I put my t-shirt back on. At that point she tried to apologize and told me that I didn't have to wear it if I didn't want to, but class was about to start and most of everyone was in there set up for class. Honestly as horror stricken that I was it felt nice to wear it during the class. The other ladies that saw me put it on chided me a little after class but everything worked out. Till it dawned on me that I still have to shower and get ready for work... Getting it off wasn't as bad as I thought. But it left marks on my chest and back, so those that noticed in the shower room did a double take. I didn't change my routine at all, in addition no one said anything either. That was about a month ago. I still get chided or asked if I am wearing my sports bra before class. I have even worn it again when one of the ladies dared me to wear it again. I had washed it and tried to return it but Melissa said I could keep it because I probably stretched it out too much.

So... I would have to say after all that has happened to me, be honest. Don't get angry or run off. If you didn't want to get caught you would have never left your house...

@---}-----
Michelle

[Alice Torn]

If my very controlling, hard guy older brother found out, he would never stopped ridiculing me, and tell his twin in prison, and he would send me harsh letters. My sister would then know, and i would need to move further away.

[Stephanie47]

Cristy, I am guessing if you have nightmares about a certain individual finding out, then have a well thought out reply ready. I'm sure that person is going to spread the word to other family members. Don't cower in the corner. Be ready to thump the person in the chest and put her or him in his or her place. In my waning years I have no tolerance for anyone being disrespectful to others. If someone has a difference of opinion or wants to have a conversation, keep it civil.

The only person that I truly knows I am a cross dresser is my wife. We had "the talk" which was civil. There is really not too much you can do but wait for the other person to say or do something.

[Alice Torn]

Stephanie, i like your post, and answer. I came out to a long distance friend on the phone the other night. She is an older single women desperate to marry. She was not overly harsh, but said i should get ministerial church counseling because it really is a sin, but she was not as harsh as i thought. i told her i have had this desire to dress since age 14, and it will not go away, until i am too disabled, old, or dead.

[Anita Cosmolover]

My wife found out almost 3 years ago when she found one of my Cosmo's on a table outside. I'd been reading it at lunchtime. I've been reading and collecting Cosmo for many years. So out came all the typical questions. I revealed that I wear lingerie. She is OK about the Cosmo's but not about the lingerie, which she barely tolerates. She can cope so long as I don't do it in front of her. Still the enormous relief I have now no longer being burdened by the secret is great. I now have my Cosmo's out in the open in my home office and some inside the house in the bedroom. I'm a lot better off, even though my wife and I have a long way to go before she totally accepts the "Cosmo Girl" inside of me.

[Cristy2]

Actually Stephanie, it is a whole group of people I could not afford to be found out by, at least at this time.

[reb.femme]

Not much you can say as my wife caught me in her nightie and dressing gown. Hot, then cold, thumping heart rate, perspire, shock etc. etc. :eek:

Once busted, you live with consequences whether you like it or not. I suppose it all depends on how others take it, how it may affect work, but at least no-one else can bust you anymore. :)

I'm glad I got caught as it led to the full reveal and I wear something almost every day, underwear, nighties etc. But, I stress, I was one of the lucky ones with an accepting SO.

Becky

[Sharon B.]

I can understand how you feel, I had an accident back in February where I was hospitalize for a day and a night. My neighbors had called my sisters and they came down to check on me. My first thought was what am I going to do with all of my woman's clothes and makeup. Luckily They were in drawers and hanging up in a closet, but if one got to snooping I would be found out. They were going to come back down in a couple of weeks to take me back for a check up, I purged everything, shouldn't have but didn't need to hear it if they got to snooping. Yet in my haste to purge I had forgot about a few items but they are hidden away and will have to stay there until I get full use of my arm back.

[Amy Lynn3]

I think the most fear comes to those who have the most to lose if found out. I am retired now, but during my working years I had a high profile job. It would have been a disaster if I had been found out.
I was with a group of male friends and one found the bra I was wearing under my shirt. He never said anything then, but after I left he told the others. Nothing ever came of it and this group never meets again, so no problem.

[Charlyne]

Cristy, My wife knows, but really no one else. I think if I get caught I will say " A girl's got to dress up pretty once in a while, doesn't she?" While looking straight into their eyes and I will be laughing in a confident way. After all society is changing. Charlyne

[Brandy Mathews]

Cristy,
I was found out years ago. My sister calls me a freak. You tend to see alot of people snickering and talking under their breath about you because they are too gutless to say anything to your face. And with social media these days, it gets around like a wild fire. And I guess that is one reason why I don't do social media because most people tend to build themselves up into such a perfect person that has never done anything wrong in life, not that I think cd'ing is wrong. So these people have like 2000 friends and probably never even talk to any of them, such a joke. :heehee: Some of you talk about all these people that are understanding, or people that know about it and just go on. I have never seen anybody like that around here, they are all just out right hateful and two faced. So I just try to ignore them and enjoy life, bottom line. Hopefully things will work out this weekend for me when I tell the woman that I am dating that I am a CD.
Hugs,
Bree :)

[Cristy2]

Keep us posted Bree.

[Rogina B]

Found out as? South Georgia/Northeast Florida is unique in that they have had little exposure to the Trans world and have nothing to base their opinion on..other than what they learn at church..I am an out,TSerious person that enjoys a good teaching moment for the non accepting.. However,if your thing is being a CD around here,many won't "get it"..

[Ellie Summer]

I've thought about it a bit, and I think my response would be different depending on who I'm talking to. Only one person knows, and I talked to her in a certain way because she's very progressive and I knew she'd be ok with it. I worded it in such a way that I really loved how understanding and accepting she is, and that's why I was willing to tell her. She felt honored. Then there are other people in my life that are on the other end of the spectrum. You've got to put it in terms they can understand, but some people will never budge. Your only hope is with the "on the fencers". My siblings for example. They love me to death, I love them to death. I think they'd be very shocked and a little weirded out if I told them, but I'd say "Look, I get it. It's a little...different. But it's really harmless, it's not an addiction, it doesn't hurt anybody, and it's just the way I am. Gender is a spectrum, it's not black and white, and I'm somewhere in the middle. There's an unfair stigma associated with it, which is why I choose to keep this to myself, but I'm not going to deny it to myself. In fact it's an incredibly positive experience, and because of it I've been able to see the world from a different perspective. I'm more understanding and sensitive to women's issues which is something that alpha males tend to suck at, and it's given me a unique sense of self confidence that I otherwise wouldn't have gotten."
I think if you're just straight up with people, they'll be less likely to keep nagging you about it. If someone confronted me in the store with accusation when I'm trying on dresses, I'd just say "Yea, I just like to wear dresses. So?" Then you're putting it on them, because they're the ones being fools for judging.

[Stephj]

I was outed at work about 8 years ago a female co worker noticed my bra strap though my shirt as far as I know only her and 2 others know nothing as never been said and I still wear a bra everyday

[Alice Torn]

I came out on the phone the other night, to a single woman 500 miles from me, i met on Facebook. She was ot super condemning, but she think s i should definitely overcome it, and no longer do it, and that i look like a masculine man, not a woman. She has not seen a photo of Alice. I could not convince her of why i do it, but told her it does not go away for long, and told her i have a feminine side to me. She does not accept it, but says i must rise above it. There is really no way to get some one to understand, when they think it is sin.

[Brandy Mathews]

Cristy,
I will, thanks.
Bree :)

[lingerieLiz]

I guess I've been lucky. Over the years various people have found out. The fact is that if you wear anything someone might find out. I've had a woman that I was sitting with notice I was wearing a camisole even though at that time I wasn't wearing a bra. I had a boss notice my panty lines back in the day when they were obvious. So if you are going to underdress be prepared. Best thing to do is wear it. If they aren't your boss or family what can they do?

[Stephanie58]

I was found out earlier this year when my daughter found a photo of me on my camera (I thought I had removed them all but one was left).
I was out at the time and came home to my wife's question "who is in this picture"?
I tried to bluff for a few seconds but then realised that, after 60 years, the game was up.

It was a very traumatic time and we are now trying to settle in to a situation where she wants to be supportive but cannot face seeing me dressed up. I am very lucky to have her.

On a somewhat humorous note, my daughters are both very supportive and when one saw the photo she said "Dad looks just like Grandma (my mother)"

[Rachel Anne]

I worry about this too to some extent. I've gotten slightly more adventurous (and I mean slightly) in the last 2 years, so there is more of a chance. There are ways to mitigate risk...you just need to decide as to what level.

[sometimes_miss]

My ex had found a slip that I had taken off, and accidentally left hanging in plain sight while I had gone about while putting everything else away. When confronted, I was immediately on the defensive: She had thought that I was cheating on her. In that split second, I had to decide whether to tell her the truth, or go with the lie and see what she'd say. She had already convinced herself of my cheating, so it would have been much easier to go in that direction and hope for the best, as she didn't have any contact with the woman she suspected. I went for the truth. She was stunned, but said we would have to talk about it when she came home from work later that day. Of course, I had gone over it a thousand times in my head, always being absolutely sure that all the good things about me would easily out weigh the 'little' problem of me being a crossdresser. Oh, how I was wrong. At the time, I had no idea of how people actually see each other; how we create a 'profile', if you will, of the person we fall in love with, and an image of who that person is, all based on what we know about them. Who they really are doesn't come into the picture. It's about who they THINK we are. And the sudden realization that I wasn't 'all man' sealed my fate right then and there. I didn't ever dress up in front of her for a couple of years yet, but she already thought quite differently of me. We soon went to a marriage therapist who specialized in gender issues, but it was to no avail; she eventually admitted that had she known, she never would have married me, so not telling her, 'the lie' that everyone likes to point at as the real reason for the divorce, simply wasn't the reason for the divorce. I tried to get her to understand that I hadn't changed at all, but to her, it was a huge change in the image she had of me, who SHE thought I was, because apparently, that's all that matters. People 'assign' qualities or traits to us, we don't get to choose, THEY do. And to her, I was now a girly guy. Not someone she could ever want to be married to.

So choose your path when it happens. Because as they say, you can't un-ring a bell.

[Teresa]

Cristy,
At some point you are going to be caught, or found out, if you look at it as inevitable take control of the situation and maybe tell someone who may be OK about it, or show them some reasonable pictures. Once you've done that it doesn't feel as bad and you start to build confidence and begin to accept yourself. If the person you dread most does find out you have the knowledge that other people are OK with it and they are the ones with a problem , not you.
I still have one or two people I would prefer not to know but I can deal with that now !
Don't forget you're not the only CDer in the World , some people you fear knowing may have their own problems anyway, I have been very surprised that the more people I come out to the more I hear about other CDers.