Overcoming the fear of a transphobe

[KymberlyOct]

I think it was BadTranny but I'm not sure. Someone said the first transphobe you have to deal with is yourself. Where I am going with this is how have you all overcome your fear? But first indulge me while I explain a bit.

My entire life since age 5 I knew I wanted to be female. It never bothered me and I never overcompensated it was just who I was but I never intended to share it with anyone. It was my secret. I am tall, I figured I would look ridiculous and figured I would just go through life unfulfilled. To keep this from turning into a novel I will fast forward. I decided to transition at the start of April.

I had never felt shame or embarrassment over being trans, nobody knew and I was OK with it. Now that I have taken real steps to transition - Out to brother and 4 friends - electrolysis - transgender therapist - FFS consultation it is getting real. I WILL NOT go backward. That is more scary than going forward. But still I am scared. Not scared of becoming a woman. I am scared what people will think of me. Not my friends - real friends will accept me. It is people that shouldn't matter - acquaintances that will gossip or strangers when I am clocked.

Now it occurs to me - as whoever said it - I am the first transphobe that I have to deal with. I never thought I felt shame over this but obviously I do. Why else would I care what anybody thinks. I don't care if they know my eyes are brown. If I care that they know I am trans I must be ashamed.

That is something I need to come to terms with. Really. Not just being comfortable with my secret. It is not going to be a secret anymore. So I need to actually accept myself. The one time I cried with the 5 people I told is when I told my friend that I have to have extensive FFS because I don't want to look like a freak. At that moment is when I cried.

None of you can do this for me. I have to find the strength within. I have been through some really hard stuff. 2 Autistic kids, 2 heart attacks, cancer, 2 layoffs and best friend murdered. It should be easy to transition right? I am scared. I know that courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. But..... My question for all of you that have made this journey or are at least on it is ..... how did you summon the courage? What did you believe that enabled you to say - I don't care what anybody says or thinks about me or how they treat me.

I know I will find the courage but I thought I could incorporate some of your thoughts and experiences into the mindset I am building for myself.

Anybody got anything light to talk about??? Any new clothes or shoes lately? LOL !!!!!
Thanks
Kym

[tgirlamc]

Hey Sis!!!

Like I've said...

Fear is a big piece of the transition pie and you are at the point where you're chowin' down!! One bite at a time will get you where you need to be!!!

Fear is an instinct and survival mechanism we all share... It keeps us safe from scary things that might get us...like ...saber tooth tigers and transphobia!!! :)

I think, from all we have shared that you are exactly where you should be at this point... You are very much at the tipping point of where this stuff will fall away... It is hard to let go of the familiar for a path that changes almost every aspect of your life to some degree... Changes your place in the world and how others see you... But... You are at the point where you are seeing it is harder to turn around and go back.... The cat is out of the bag.... The cow is outta the barn ...and Elvis has left the building... The scariest part will become not doing this ...and, fear of a wasted life, never being you!!!

So keep doing what you are doing... marching down the path because, where you are going ...is where you belong!!! You are not walking the path alone... You have many sisters here and around the world!!!

I want you to read your post again in a year and reflect on how far very you've come... Amazing things ahead my friend!!!


Onward we go!!!

Ashley :)

[JanePeterson]

I never overcame any fear; the only thing I've done it kept moving. Keep making progress. Don't think about the whole thing - if you could see how tall the mountain is, you would think its impossible - just focus on the next ridge and how to get there. Pretty soon, youll realize you've made it and the next ridge is in sight. Other times, you'll look back and think you haven't gone far at all and feel like crap again. Then you'll march some more :). Don't try and overcome the fear (i guess if you can and it helps then do it, but hell I'm still scared shitless, I'm just a little higher up the hill)

and if you reach a sheer cliff and it feels like you're gonna fall off the mountain, you need to get help FAST. this kind of climbing can kill people, but what choice do we have?

good luck!!!

Jane

[Jennifer-GWN]

refocus your energies from hiding to holding your head high. Dealing with things head on and putting a plan in place. Not every thing can be predicted nor as Jane pointed out how high the mountain is to climb. A plan helps and it's not just a treadmill of surgeries and medical procedures; there's a great deal if introspective sole searching along the way as you figure out who you really are. When I made the decision I never looked back and at the same time smiled realizing I was alive for the first time literarily and metaphorically.

[KymberlyOct]

Jane and Jennifer thank you for the great advice !! And Ashley you made me laugh out loud and almost cry at the same time. Luv you sis, thanks.

Please keep them coming I hope to read many more. As I said I am the one that has to do this for me but I am the kind of person that needs to mentally prepare myself and your kernels of wisdom will help me and hopefully others reading this to set their mind at peace and find who they are and why this is such a great thing to do.
Thanks

[Rianna Humble]

I think all of us have had fears and don't forget that for many of us there were also the years of self-loathing.

As a former project manager, you might have expected me to plan every detail, fortunately or unfortunately, I did not have the luxury of having time to do that.

Yes, when I went out, I expected to be shamed and ridiculed, but by and large that didn't happen - I got far more smiles than I got cat-calls. I still do.

One song that helped me a lot was Gloria Gaynor's I am what I am. I know that shows my age, but check out the lyrics and hopefully you'll see why.

I can't tell you how to overcome your fears, but perhaps you can do this the same way that you would eat an elephant ... one bite at a time.

[GBJoker]

I read a lot of things. As a historian, I read a lot of things dealing with people wanting something, and going to get it. I was never a transphobe, and a lot of that comes from reading about what people did in the past. People saw something bad happening around them, and they either forcibly changed the situation, or got the wheels in motion.

In other words, can't change history............. and can't emphasize enough here.............................. YOUR history, unless you go do it. Nike.

[KellyJameson]

When I was very young I nearly drowned and to this day I still have not forgotten the experience of panic and terror as I tried to claw my way back to the surface where life sustaining oxygen awaited.

There was no courage involved. I was fighting for my life.

Transitioning had a similar feel once the pain reached a point where I was forced to face it.

In the beginning it seems like courage is necessary but I think most people feel a shift where they move from courage to fighting for their life once they begin to feel alive for the first time and realize they have been dead up to that point.

Courage seems to imply a choice to act but there really is not one. Instead it is a choice between how you want to suffer and even than it is not a choice as much as a push from one to another.

A movement out of darkness and into the light that makes you realize what darkness is. Transition creates the contrast that shows the truth so that you can see the lie. You become compelled to pursue this truth at all costs. Once you are in this place nothing can stop you.

Confirmation of the truth you have always known becomes more important than avoiding pain and even death so courage becomes meaningless.

Sometimes transitioning happens after you become exhausted from fighting against it. You reach the bottom and there is nowhere else to go except in one direction.





I

[Georgette_USA]

Did get some new dresses today LOL

As for the TransPhobe.
When I was a teen in the 60s I didn't understand what was wrong with me, I just knew I had to be with the girls as a GF.
When I was in Navy I was able to experiment and started to read about the Trans or sex changes of the past, not much to find in the early 70s.
After I got out and met others I knew where I had to go. That was forward and not stay the same. Might be why I had the courage to go full steam ahead in my 20s.

Nowadays everyone has the Internet and online forums / Support Groups / Therapists to help understand it all.

[Zooey]

Kelly took the words right out of my mouth.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kym,

I can relate to the whole "the first transphobe was me". When I first came out three years ago I latched on to any straw which would define me as still male running the gambit of "I am a cross dresser and I may wear a dress from time to time but all mucho, macho man" to "nope gender fluid so still guy but also girl". That didn't last long until I accepted that I was a woman plain and simple. Now during that three year span, I presented publicly in a social sense, slowly came out to friends as transgender (in whatever guise I was running at that time), then moved on to part time at work to full time as a woman.

I have no passing privilege at all and it was difficult because I always felt the world was staring at me, judging men and who knows . . . perhaps they were/are. However it wasn't until I realized that people were too busy with their own lives to pay attention to me that I began as Jennifer said "holding my head up high" and being who I needed to be. I still have bad days in that I know what people see when they look at me and the fear/doubt comes back and during one such time a close friend of mine and confident told me "I don't see you as a woman because of how you look or dress, I see you as a woman because that is how you interact with the world and it shines through". What she said resonates with me in that true change comes from within and once we accept that in ourselves then moving forward gets a little bit easier. I always think of that conversation when I have bad days and it keeps my head up and eye contact fixed squarely on those around me . . . I am a woman and darn proud of that.

Cheers

Marcelle

[pamela7]

is it transphobia? i remember shaking like a leaf the first time I walked out of the front door. It was fear of ridicule, that other people would laugh. Well, they do sometimes, and so what? They smirk or laugh, and that is better than the stern look of disgust I more rarely get from real transphobes.

I recommend a long, deep process of personal development to address all fears and judgements, issues, problems and concerns. Every heroine's journey involves facing a fear, initially the "threshold guardian". Think about it; crossing the front door symbolises all the fears. I then remember most people are sheep, and that if there are predators they're out in dark places late at night in the bigger cities. If you don't give them power they don't have any.

perfect example:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jul/12/takeaway-shop-owner-ignores-armed-robber-new-zealand-video

xxx Pam

[Eringirl]

Hi Kym:

Good for you in realizing the truth of your situation and asking questions and talking about it. Don't isolate yourself, keep talking about it. For me, I decided to transition because I had to, not because I wanted to too. I told my wife of 32 years that she had a choice, be divorced (that was well established when I was first diagnosed 17 years ago), or a widow....her choice. I was literally at the edge and I could have gone either way. Fortunately, I sucked up the courage, turned my back on the ledge and never ever looked back. Best decision of my life. Self acceptance is often the hardest acceptance. Until I truly accepted myself I was fearful of the daylight. Once I accepted who I was, truly TRULY accepted myself and realized I was a worthwhile person, worthy of love, and had something to contribute to society, I stopped caring about what everybody else would think. My self esteem is not linked in anyway, shape, or form to what others think. It took a looooooong time to get there. But for me, and this is just me, that is when I turned the corner to really start to live my life.

Yes, I am a planner, I had everything laid out it steps and timelines etc. Of course, one quickly begins to realize that they are simply just "guidelines" as something always happens that causes adjustments to be made....but for the most part, I was (and still am) on my track forward.

Time, support and seeking out professional guidance are all things that helped....at least for me.

For what it's worth....

[tgirlamc]

263822

Just a quote I like about protecting that which is inside us that is the most precious part of ourselves... The real freedom in life is letting the fears fall away and moving into the light of day

A :)

[KymberlyOct]

You people are really smart !!!! :hugs: All of your replies are great and some really hit home. Love to hear more !!

[arbon]

how did you summon the courage? What did you believe that enabled you to say - I don't care what anybody says or thinks about me or how they treat me.

I have no idea actually!
I've always avoided attention and worried about what people thought. I could never imagine doing what I did. I had been telling myself since I was young I was never going to be one of those people, I'd kill myself first or if anyone ever found out. In the end though I just had to do it. I think once you start to realize who you are and accepting yourself, all the fear and that is not as important as being you. That is the way it seemed to me. I never knew how strong I could be until transition.

[Badtranny]

is it transphobia? i remember shaking like a leaf the first time I walked out of the front door.


The "first transphobe" is the person who refuses to accept themselves as transgender. The closet is a symptom of a deep seeded phobia. Gay people are closeted because they simply can't abide their gayness. Same with trans people, they keep it a secret from everyone because they themselves are ashamed of being trans. They are afraid of being who they really are, and their biggest fear is that everyone else will find out.

Transition has no chance of success until the first transphobe is dealt with.

[PretzelGirl]

Where I am going with this is how have you all overcome your fear? But first indulge me while I explain a bit.

I WILL NOT go backward.

That's it right there. You don't overcome fear. You do it while you face the fear. Even though I went through therapy, I still had the fear, I had just built up the need to drive on anyway and have a set of tools to use if the fears take hold more.


None of you can do this for me. I have to find the strength within.

This is very true. But we are here *with* you and you can always lean on us. I owe the ladies here thanks for a fantastic transition and I wish you the same. We don't do these things alone. We do them with the knowledge of those that came before us. We do them holding the hands of those that are supportive. We do them because we have to, fear or not.

[jentay1367]

For me personally, this has been one of the most valuable and productive threads I've experienced since I started coming around. Thanks to everyone for their valued contributions.

[Suzanne F]

I was so afraid to face all the men in the world that would call me a sissy. This fear drove my suppression for over 40 years. Today that thought has no power over me. How did I get there? Through no plan of mine the truth came out to my wife. Funny thing about the truth, it becomes more powerful the more it is shared. My advice is to tell anyone that means anything to you the truth. One day I looked up and I was so comfortable with the truth that others opinions of me didn't scare me. Yes there is no turning back. Once you realize this it has a certain freedom to it!
Suzanne

[pamela7]

thanks Melissa, it makes sense. For myself, every time I realised something, I told my wife, the world, straight out, so I think I missed being self-transphobic. If I was then it was more subconscious, in a deep repression from so young as to not recall to recently discovering all this, that I had no idea about it until it all poured out.

[flatlander_48]

I have been through some really hard stuff. 2 Autistic kids, 2 heart attacks, cancer, 2 layoffs and best friend murdered.

One of the most extraordinary traits that we humans have is resilience. It is one of the things that keeps us moving. From the looks of it, you've had enough difficulty for 2 or 3 people, at least. But, one of the main things to take away is this:

YOU ARE STILL HERE.

As bad as things got, you were still able to continue. You didn't stop. You didn't give up. You didn't run away. Like Rocky Balboa, you just keep getting back up. It is one of the most admirable of human traits. It also indicates that you do have the wherewithal to deal with adversity and perhaps even better than you think. I won't say that your journey will be easy, but I think you'll be OK.

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” - Audre LordeDeeAnn

[KymberlyOct]

Thanks DeeAnn, I only pointed out those life challenges to demonstrate that it would seem superficially that I should be able to handle transition no problem. But I thank Melissa for pointing out the first Transphobe you have to deal with is yourself. I think that is so dead on the mark and hugely important. I discussed it with my therapist and it is going to be one of the focal points of my introspection during my therapy. The concept was very eye opening and I am glad it has come to light so early in my transition.

As you point out I will have the wherewithal to do this but the insight I get from this group is something that I build on to shape my own thoughts and actions.

Now if I could just get my damn face to heal from electrolysis LOL !!

[flatlander_48]

As they say in the disclaimers, past performance is not an indicator of future success. But, it does provide an idea of what sort of resources we have to work with.

Many years ago, I read a study about college students; who made it and who didn't. Turns out that the ones who were most at risk were the ones who had floated through high school, aced everything, etc. The problem was that when they got to college and faced difficulties, they frequently crashed and burned because they had no history of handling adversity and no sense of the possibility of failure. Conversely, if you've been through difficulty, you have some idea of what that looks like, how you responded to it and coping strategies for dealing with events as they happen.

Applied to ones self, transphobia is an internalized oppression. Similarly, women can have internalized sexism. Minorities can have internalized racism. The elderly can have internalized ageism, etc. An internalized oppression represents our agreement with the concept. It's saying that everything bad that has been said about us is true and worse, that we agree. It is baggage that just doesn't need to be carried around.

Suppose every non-trans person in the world gave up carrying this baggage of transphobia around. The concept would still be alive as long as trans people continued to carry the internalized oppression.

DeeAnn

[KymberlyOct]

Once again I find helpful comments from multiple people. DeeAnn your points about the analogy of college students and dealing with obstacles is a good one as well as the concept of internalized oppression. And that later point of internalized oppression is how I interpreted Melissa's comment that started me on this thread - the first transphobe you have to deal with is yourself. You women are making me so smart !! :) There have been lots of great comments on this thread. As always I hope other readers benefit from your excellent responses to the thoughts and questions I pose.