Question for those who have transitioned or are transitioning

[Paula DAngelo]

A little background first. Back in December of 2015 I formally announced to my employer that I was "officially" starting my transition (up to this point I was living as my true self everywhere except at work). They went along and it was announced company wide and also to the employees at the site that I am stationed at (I am involved in security for one of the local housing facilities). Needless to say I deal with the public on a daily basis. I have been at this site for over 4 years so most of the residents know me from before I started transitioning. The new residents and people coming in occasionally aren't a problem, for the most part they accept me and treat me as I appear. Some of the older residents however still refer to me as I used to be (he, him, sir, etc) and that is where my problem is.

I understand that most of them aren't doing this to be hurtful and that is where my question comes up. I know I should get a thicker skin and try and not let this bother me, however sometimes it gets to be quite painful.

I don't want to be constantly explaining to people but I can't think of any other solution. Have any of you had to deal with this type of situation, and what did you do to handle it.

[Eringirl]

Hi Paula:

For me, it was key to realize that we don't transition in isolation. Our whole world transitions in some way (or not) with us. That is to say, just as we needed time to work it all out for ourselves, so do they. I didn't expect people to adjust immediately, liking flipping a switch. It is a process for them as well. Give it time. If it is not malicious, it will go away. This journey is not for the feint of heart. This is tough crap to get through. There are some things you just have to put on your big girl panties and suck up. It gets better. It took a while, but I am never misgendered now, and people at work, volunteer, neighbourhood etc, always get my name and pronouns correct. Trust me, that wasn't always the case, but they get there, each on their own timeline.

Good luck!

[I Am Paula]

I don't 'constantly explain to people' I just use a couple of words of correction, and they come around.
Paul 'That's Paula'
Sir 'That's ma'am'
Hey butthead 'That's Mrs. butthead to you' etc. etc.
Quite frankly, it hasn't been much of a problem, except for a couple truly honest slips. It's harder than we think for people to remember to use our new names, and pronouns. Good luck!

[tgirlamc]

Hi Paula!!!

I agree with Erin & I Am Paula. It is a process that takes time, patience and understanding. As long as misgendering is not done with intent, as a hurtful act, I think you need to be gentle with others and gentle with yourself. A transwoman friend that I do public speaking with always says, "you gotta have some pretty thick skin to be a transwoman"... I think that mindset definitely makes things easier. You also mentioned that much of the problem is with the older residents there. I think it takes a bit longer for older minds to adapt and catch up!!!!...All will be well with time!!!

Take Care,

Ashley :)

[I Am Paula]

True about older people. I came out when my Dad was 84. My name immediately became- Paul...oh, shit, sorry...Paula

[tgirlamc]

Lol :) My aunt is 90... I've been teaching her to use the smartphone I got her.... Like her adapting to the new pronouns... It's a process!!! :)

[Paula DAngelo]

Thank you to all of you that have replied so far. I sort of figured it was mainly a matter of get used to it as long as it wasn't being done to cause pain, since it was something new for people to get used to.

One thing I said that seems to have been taken differently than it was meant was when I said it was mainly the older people that the problem was with. I wasn't saying that it was the people that were more advanced in years (not picking on any one, as I'm not exactly young myself) I meant the people that have been living there longer and thus knew me before. In fact most of the people that have lived their life longer (us oldsters) have been very supportive.

[pamela7]

It's harder for people who have built up a mental image of you. They don't necessarily mean badly by it, they just don't have enough motivation to make the change. You can go two ways - stick or carrot - to get improved responses - I prefer carrot, and instant correction as Paula has said. The stick is needed with some people though, they're just more stick-responsive. And that's life. The thing is, they rarely mean to cause harm, it's habit.

xxx Pam

[ClaudineD]

every habit, good or bad, takes time to adapt and overcome. The concept of transition, is not isolated to SELF. You develop trust over years with people. It does take anyone time to readjust, even those who readily accept our transition.
Openness and being on the offensive (not the derogatory version) requires skill at reading people and a compassion for their needs. We cannot force our transition on people. We can only educate.
Never INSIST someone use proper pronouns. Just subtle reminders it the key. Face it, there are morons out there who got dropped on their heads in their youth and will not change, will not accept.
Transition takes commitment. Once you have the inner peace, you spread that to others. The idiots of the world make it soooooo tough. But in today's world, in certain regions of the country, transition has become a norm not a curse.
take each step with pride.....

[Mirya]

Earlier this year, I came out to my parents and my sister, telling them very clearly that I am transitioning to living my life as a woman. I had been in contact with them fairly regularly since, when, several months later, my birthday arrived. What kind of birthday cards did they give me? Yup, you guessed it - "Happy Birthday son" and "Happy Birthday brother". I winced inside when I received those cards, but I didn't say anything until at least a week later, as I didn't want to ruin the otherwise happy day we were spending together. I understood that they bought those birthday cards out of habit and didn't give it that much thought. There certainly wasn't any malicious intent or underlying motives behind it. I know, because they've been quite supportive of my transition, despite their own difficulties coming to terms with it.

I'm sure that given enough time, my family members will start using the proper pronouns and eventually stop using my old name. But I'm not going to push it or force the issue. Just gentle reminders every once in a while is all that's needed IMO. Their actions toward me have shown that they still genuinely care about me, and that's what matters most to me. Habits that have been built across a lifetime will take time to change, and I'm ok with that.

[PretzelGirl]

I am going to be a little different and say there is a balance. At first, I would use the gentle reminders similar to how Paula puts it. But after a short time, I just stopped answering them if they got it wrong. It was only a few people that were still making mistakes at that point and they got my hint. She and Sue is it. The other Steve's in the room can answer to Steve and He, I wasn't going to.

[PennyNZ]

I'm sure that given enough time, my family members will start using the proper pronouns and eventually stop using my old name. But I'm not going to push it or force the issue. Just gentle reminders every once in a while is all that's needed IMO. Their actions toward me have shown that they still genuinely care about me, and that's what matters most to me. Habits that have been built across a lifetime will take time to change, and I'm ok with that.

Being only 5 1/2 months on HRT, and "out" in public for almost a year, I tend to get misgendered a bit, probably because I tend to wear jeans and this time of the year in NZ, a jacket.
Obviously I get disappointed when it happens, and although tempted from time to time correct their mistake, I figure it is not worth the drama, particularly when I am being served as a oncer.

Close family, mother, one sister and a brother still use he and my original first name and I dont get too bothered about it. The other sister who lives in Aust is all good with my change, even introducing me as her new sister on FB.

Having known me for 60 + years, I have not taken them to task how they address me, but over time they will change hopefully, but it is not worth getting into conflict over it. They are given a suttle reminder from time to time.

My friends however seem to have "got it" in the main, and will correct themselves if they get it wrong in the first instance

I love my new life
Pen

[Rianna Humble]

I understand that most of them aren't doing this to be hurtful and that is where my question comes up. I know I should get a thicker skin and try and not let this bother me, however sometimes it gets to be quite painful.

I don't want to be constantly explaining to people but I can't think of any other solution. Have any of you had to deal with this type of situation, and what did you do to handle it.

It's very easy for people to say "just get a thicker skin". Misgendering goes to the heart of our right to exist. However, the way that I react to it depends upon who misgenders me.

If it is someone who has known the old me for quite some time and they slip up, I normally find that they are more affected by the slip than me. One of my neighbours was talking to me recently and used my old name. As he realised his mistake, he became embarrassed and apologised profusely, so I reminded him that he had known the old me for a long time and the real me for a much shorter period.

If it is someone who should know better and I believe it to be a genuine mistake, I will correct them gently. A newish receptionist at my doctor's surgery called me "sir" despite having my medical records in front of her. Before responding to her question, I said "I think you intended to say Ms Humble rather than sir, didn't you?"

I was on the phone to a service provider and the person on the other end of the line kept stressing "sir" despite being corrected politely. I demanded to speak to his supervisor and pointed out that I had a recording of the conversation and would make a formal complaint.

My late father would often use the right name but the wrong pronoun, but I forgave him because it was not intentional. One of my favourite memories of how he would try hard was at the hospital one day where he had gone for an examination. He told the nurse "This is my daughter, she has come to look after me. Would you let him know, please, when she can come and take me home?"

[karenpayneoregon]

I have worked with several co-workers for over twenty years, one of them for the first year would use "him" or my former name. Each time he said he was having problems calling me "she" for example simply because he had known me for so long under my former name. As time passed he has become much better. Once or twice after surgery two of my coworkers would come over after someone asked about my former self, they generally would say things like "he does not work here anymore" then say to me something like "I have troubles remembering who you use to be". So I see it as the passing of time people forget the former person and only see who they are now.