Is anybody actually having sex?

[I Am Paula]

A friend posted a Facebook question about orientation among trans people. I was surprised how many people answered asexual, or asexual (not by choice). It made me think of my close friends, members of my social/support group, and other trans people I know.
Regardless of age, or stage of transition, we seem to not be having a whole lotta sex.
I was in a relationship for a short while, and in my case (pre op) I found sex a bit confusing. As a male(?) I found sex VERY confusing. Some I know have changed preference, which is supposed to be impossible, and don't quite know how to deal with that. Alot of us have a very hard time finding a partner.
Who's having sex, and who's not? Would you if you found a compatible partner? Are you still attracted to the same sex as you were previously? Is your ideal date staying home and watching T.V.? Is it important to you, now, or in the future?
Not a survey, I just want to see how some other people feel about this. Please don't make this another who's gay, and who's not thread.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Self imposed celebasy at the moment....:eek:

[Georgette_USA]

For the past 20-25 years never really had sex with someone, my partner was not into sex anymore and I couldn't be the active partner for long. So I guess I am Asexual (Not by Choice). Mostly just masturbation and that has become less and less.

Since her death, when I was 63, I have decided to go out and explore what is possible. I have had 2 hook-ups or whatever with men. Mentally satisfying but not physically for me, for them it was. I am afraid that I may not have satisfying physical sex anymore.

As I transitioned I realized the idea of just Hetro/Homo Sexual was too limiting. Always loved women but not as a man could. Never thought of men as sexual partners before SRS. I describe myself as Lesbian w/Pan-Sexual tendencies, as I can enjoy people no matter what they are physically. I have a hard time attracting women, as I am not the active one, but I am trying. In the first 10 years or so Post-Op had partners of either sex. My partner never really thought of us as Lesbian lovers, just lovers.

As far as staying home and just watching TV, I can do that alone. I really do want someone to have fun, go out or staying in, and hope physical sex is part of that.

[I Am Paula]

Jenn- You, Erin and I talked about this last dinner. It was followed by an embarrassing silence.
Georgette- I think alot of us think in terms of attraction to the person, the parts become secondary, if important at all.

[Georgette_USA]

Paula
People that know me, I don't get embarrassed about talking about sex, past/present/future. I am too old to not talk about most anything.

Mostly it has been with TG/TS friends, and their replies have been all over the place. Had a talk with a CD friend and she says she is Asexual in both modes.

[tgirlamc]

Hi Paula!!!

Sex? ... Yup!!! :) I'm engaged to a wonderful man and we probably have about the same amount of sex as the average couple in their 50s... He once said to me that people probably envision a lot of crazy kinky sex when you're with a transgender woman and here we are at Target looking for electric toothbrushes and coffe maker filters....

I had relationships all my life with women. I never had any interest in being in a gay relationship with another man but had always wanted a relationship with a man,...as a woman ....One interesting aspect of all this as the way my attraction morphed... I found as transition progressed that my attraction to females melted away... When I looked at a woman who I might have previously been attracted to, I found myself experiencing mostly just envy...("wish I had her hair, skin, eyes etc...) A transwoman friend put forward a theory that resonated with me immediately... That what I had always thought was a healthy attraction to women was on some level, hero worship... As I thought about the greatest relationships of my life... I think she was right...on some level, I wanted to be those women!...

Note: I cut and pasted some of this from a previous post of mine on the "Dating" thread

Cya!
A :)

[JanePeterson]

All sex on hold at the moment - I am in the midst of trying to figure all this out myself- I definately feel there is much more to the story than I've discovered so far... Sex with women is nice, but just doesn't seem right anymore. Sex with men seems complex as i'm not a gay man but not transitioned far enough yet to feel comfortably female in a sexual situation. Stuck in neutral might be a good description?

Edit: no mention of partners/my own genitals here... Thats another question to be figured out

[Peggie Lee]

After 9 months since SRS feeling in that area has not come back as fast as want it to so sex at this time would not be that great for me, I want my first time to be all it can be, so I wait.

[Donnagirl]

Can I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me (wink wink)

[Georgette_USA]

To me Asexual means no real interest in sexual contact. One can still be romantic. My partner and I were romantic, but not sexual. After some ten years or so, I just gave up on the whole sexual thing. Had romance and intimacy just NO sex.

If my partner wanted to have sex, maybe it would have been different.

[Barbara Dugan]

I am on a very nice relationship with a very good sexual activity, never been attracted to women nothing has changed there...what have changed since HRT is the intensity of how my body react to sex, it has increased enormously without giving too many details sometimes I need to contain myself because I am afraid to scare the neighbors with my screaming.

[KymberlyOct]

Hi Paula, I wasn't sure from the end of your subject 'trans only please' if you meant transgender or post op. Weighing in anyway. Definitely a concern for me although not one that will guide me. Currently no. I am where Ashley says she was early in her transition. I want to try guys but I am not physically female in anyway yet. At the same time I can't imagine having sex with women as I used to - like a man. Plus I would feel like I was lying about my gender.

As I start this transition journey I am prepared for a limited sex life but hope to be pleasantly surprised. I know my reply doesn't really help answer your question because we are in far different places on this journey but I thank you for posting the question as I think about it sometimes.

[I Am Paula]

Thanks for answering Kymberley. I was hoping to get opinions from people in all phases of transition.

[Rachel Smith]

No sex for me. I just don't care to anymore. I got that feeling after being on Hrt for about a year or so. How much of that is due to age, 60, I don't know though it would seem odd that it I was quite sexual up to the HRT. Can't get erect so that is limiting. I am intimate with my friend Michelle in many ways just not sexually.

[Mirya]

I think I may be asexual. I don't currently nor have I ever had much interest in sex. Maybe that will change when I get SRS someday, but I can't know for sure.

[MissDanielle]

Virgin. As much as I tried being attracted to girls, I could never get turned on down there. And when I did? Trans related thoughts only. And then after coming to terms...men. I'm not focused on dating right now.

[Zooey]

I have had a bit of sex lately, though not as much as I'd like. For me, sex and relationships are kinda tied together (not into the casual sex thing), so I guess what I'm really saying is that I've had a few potential relationships get to that point, but they just haven't worked out in the longer term (for other reasons). So I'm dating - lots of dates actually, which is good - but I'm still looking for a partner.

[tgirlamc]

You girls are making me feel like the village floozy! :)

[Zooey]

I'm just jealous of your relationship - I'm not as chaste as the rest of these ladies. :)

[PennyNZ]

After nearly 12 months full time presenting as a woman I am still grieving for my ex. I love women and the thought of being with a man is a big turn off for me.
Anyway the thought of being intimate with a woman is one of the sacrifices that I knew I would have to make, although there are less intimate physical ways of wellbeing such as cuddles.
I do have actually no desire for sex, no doubt because of HRT for nearly six months and Spiro for almost a year, so I guess I am asexual (not by choice) who loves cuddles and hugs.
Don't have dates as such and my favourite times are having a meal out with a close friend.
I find it amazing how one changes. The old days was out watching a game and few beers with a mate or out with my partner.
Now it is an intimate meal out with a girlfriend. I never seem to have "pregnant pauses" in conversation over 2 or 3 hours like I used too.

Pen

[whowhatwhen]

I was never interested before so I've never done it, now that things are falling into place and I'm 99.9% of the way through transition I think I might be ready.

Thing is now I'm old as balls and I have no idea about anything, a fav Leslie Nielsen quote comes to mind:
"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out."

That being said I can find both sexes attractive but I'm much more likely to trust other women which is kinda big considering it'd be my first.

There.
Outed as a 30yo virgin :P

[tgirlamc]

I'm not as chaste as the rest of these ladies. :)

Nice to have a fellow floozy sister Zooey!!!! :)

[PaulaQ]

I'm bi and poly. I'm in two relationships, one with my fiancé, and one with my girlfriend. GRS slowed down my sex life over the past year, but it's still there. (Last year I had two girlfriends, in addition to my fiancé. I got more serious with one of them, and ran out of time and energy to maintain three relatinships.) So anyway, yeah, I'm having sex.

If I didn't do so much activism, I'd have a lot more sex.

[PretzelGirl]

Thing is now I'm old as balls and I have no idea about anything, a fav Leslie Nielsen quote comes to mind:

Uh, don't try and pull that young lady!

[KymberlyOct]

You girls are the best !!!! I love how open and honest everyone is ( well OK those of you posting ). So glad I found this place :hugs:

[pamela7]

some of us have a lot of sex, some of us have even found more and better spiced-up sex since the trans emerged.
the whole male hair thing turns me off, I really can't think of a male sexually these days, i've become even more female-centric!
sex isn't important as such, it's just part of an intimate relationship ;-)

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

Hmmm . . . interesting question. Well in a word "no". However I can say it is not solely related to transitioning as "sex" has really held no thrall for me. Okay this is going to sound a bit lame but sex for me was and is a biological function which had a pleasant aspect but it was the connection with the other person which held the magic not the act. Don't get me wrong thoroughly enjoyed it when I was young and still do but it is kind of like drinking when you are underage . . . super exciting . . . but once you reach the age of majority . . . meh, the excitement dissipates. Since my transition my wife and I are still intimate but in a connection sort of way and in some ways it is a much stronger intimacy than sex ever was. Perhaps it has something to do with letting go of the male façade and allowing myself to just be me with her. Sex waned long ago and perhaps it had something to do with being trans and just not accepting it . . . the psyche is a funny place, it could be age or just the way we are wired (sex was not a big thing for her either). We find more intimacy sitting, talking and laughing then we ever did doing the horizontal mamba :)

As far as attraction . . . still like the ladies :)

Cheers

Marcelle

As far as attraction . . . still like the ladies

[Eringirl]

Jenn- You, Erin and I talked about this last dinner. It was followed by an embarrassing silence.
Georgette- I think alot of us think in terms of attraction to the person, the parts become secondary, if important at all.

Hey Paula: I am quite happy to have this discussion....I guess for me it is just a short one wrt to my contribution. I am pretty sorted out, so not much to say from my perspective. Like Jenn, self imposed celibacy, but that does not bother me at all. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind right now. I am just sooo happy with my life right now. And being north of 50, basic biology also contributes with a reduction in libido, along with zero T in my system (thank god!!).

Now, all that being said, I am starting to think about a relationship, which up until now, has not been on my radar screen. I had way too much going on in my life, and I had to focus on taking care of me, that I had absolutely zero energy or time to deal with caring for someone else. Now, as I settle into my "new normal" I am starting to miss being able to share things with someone. So for me, it is more about the relationship and companionship at this point. Not a thought about a sex. And for the record, as you know, I am 100% bona fide lesbian, no ifs, ands, or buts....(okay, that was a reeealllllly bad pun!) :tongueout

Looking forward to when the three amigas can get together again....happy to revisit the discussion.....

[I Am Paula]

Interesting answers, and I'm glad they are all over the place. If everyone was having sex but me, I'd feel left out. If no one was having sex, I'd say we have an issue here.
Ironically, the press to the right seems to think we are all nymphomaniacs, out to steal husbands.
Those without- I hope we can all find someone to love, or at least a really good cuddle.

[becky77]

No
There are three reasons
1, Can't even consider action until after SRS
2, I'm borderline asexual and relationship material, I don't particularly like sex unless it had deeper meaning. Maybe that would change if I had better body confidence.
3, No one has shown any interest.

[PaulaQ]

Ironically, the press to the right seems to think we are all nymphomaniacs, out to steal husbands.


They never assume we're out to steal wives. So sexist! :O

Forgot to mention, that even if for some reason I didn't want sex anymore (for example, because the GRS revision I have week after next goes horribly wrong), I'd still do kink. I'd just expect that after a while without sex, I'd be just really, really mean. I'm really hoping the revision goes well, because I'd describe my ability to orgasm now as varying between "exceedingly mild" to "faking it." (You know how, when it's really hot outside, and you walk into a cool room, and put a cold damp cloth on your forehead, you feel this pleasant but mild sense of relief? Yeah, that's about where I am with orgasms - that's about the intensity of one of the good ones.)

[Jennifer-GWN]

I hope we can all find someone to love, or at least a really good cuddle.

I have no doubt...:daydreaming:

[whowhatwhen]

The LGBTQ friendly community is too intertwined with the kink community and this makes it very difficult to find a partner to kinkshame with.
FOREVER ALONE AGAIN

[LeaP]

Sex ... Sex? I had sex once.

Funny - I dreamed about it last night, so there's something there. But the AA's have effectively killed it dead.

[Lorileah]

Well I was feeling pretty good about how LITTLE (OK none) I was getting until this...



You girls are making me feel like the village floozy! :)


I'm just jealous of your relationship - I'm not as chaste as the rest of these ladies. :)

My standing, I am the virgin geek girl in the hallway looking at the "cool" kids and wondering exactly how do I get to be the bad girl but not losing my "good" girl image. Am I having sex :thinking: nope. Do I want sex? Yep. Will I get sex. Looking grim. Been so close in the last few months but the imposed embargo by a certain medical person didn't help.

I tried, I really did. I went out there and placed profiles on dating sites. Got bunches of hits from guys. Then systematically they went away when I told them about the past. I know, I know, I should have just shut up, except two things. I need to be honest about this (it hurts like hell when you find out your partner was dishonest and they WILL find out) and I have a fear of Transrage if I don't. I have lived to long to die at the hands of an angry lover (mine or someone else's).

That and I am picky. OK funny story (well it is to me anyway). I am still on one dating site, totally upfromt and honest and I get a message. This guys wants to meet and tells me that specifically it was the "poly" part of my profile that attracted him. AND then a second message from another guy asking how Transpeople had sex. :eek: and added I could be his "first" transwoman. Yeah. So the poly guy really meant he wanted me as a side friend with benefits and that safety was a low priority. The "first" guy failed because he just wanted a new kink or thrill. So no roses were handed out.

Sigh, so I had a threesome last night. Me, and Ben and Jerry. Hot fudge was involved

[whowhatwhen]

Sigh, so I had a threesome last night. Me, and Ben and Jerry. Hot fudge was involved

I'm angling for the wine, several cats, and eventual craziness brought upon by toxoplasmosis plan.
Your plan sounds good too :)

[Emma Beth]

Well, I can say that I'm having lots of sex. None of it is with a partner at the moment.

I am in a kind of relationship with someone special. She's going through a lot of healing and she's also Trans.

For the most part, I'm learning to love myself. That's my priority at the moment. And the sex with myself is rrrrealy FANTASTIC.

All mostly because I'm exploring a lot about myself.

Am I attracted to women? Yes. Am I attracted to men? I think so. Does it matter? Not at this time.

Now I do have three virtual games that have been instrumental in helping me interact socially and sexually with others as a woman. They have even helped me find out that I do like and want some kink in my life, as well as enjoy being treated as a woman by men and I love interacting on many levels with other women; even sexually. I met the girl that I have a relationship with through one of these virtual games.

[GBJoker]

Who's having sex, and who's not? Would you if you found a compatible partner? Are you still attracted to the same sex as you were previously? Is your ideal date staying home and watching T.V.? Is it important to you, now, or in the future?

Not I, that's for sure. No. Yes. I dunno. More important than I can put into words.

[Tracii G]

Its been so long for me I forgot which arm its under.

[Angela Campbell]

sex just isn't a big part of my daily thinking. Not opposed to it, but not on my mind much. I've experimented enough to make sure all the new parts work, but it's just not a driving force.

[grace7777]

I have had very little sex in my life, and right now I have a lot bigger priorities than sex.

[karenpayneoregon]

About eight months post-op I began exploring opportunities with men and woman. I'm not the type who cares for a long term relationship at the moment yet open to one in the future.

For about three months had casual sex with a men I knew and was a great time but then joined a swingers club and quickly learned I could be with a couple, a group of females or a man.

It all depends on many things e.g. yesterday I was burning for a sexual encounter and was picked up at a LGBT club by a female ten years younger than me, very much enjoyed each others company for the evening. Last weekend there was no drive so I pleasured myself.

I would say over the past eight months I have been very sexually active with the same people, not into one night stands at all.

[karla2016]

Cuddling counts?

Karla

[jentay1367]

Sigh, so I had a threesome last night. Me, and Ben and Jerry. Hot fudge was involved

L.O.L. THANKS.... I'm cleaning the coffee off my monitor right now. Too funny!

[antonyio]

sex,whats that,havent since I came out as trans

[Suzanne F]

I am just beginning to try!!!! Once by myself and once with my wife. I can't quite get there yet but I am very encouraged. That is after having SRS on May 13th. There is hope!!!
Suzanne