To be or not to be...

[Halflifecrysis]

I was reading a previous post of mine in anotger area and im thinking that i should ask you all a quick question about therapy. For those of you that have gone to seek out hrt or to just discuss the mentality of it all...maybe you can share some information.

Last night I asked my partner if she would help me with makeup. Pretty much out of the blue...sorry love. Anyway, she smiles asking what for...and i just said its something i need to do...so i can see what i might have looked like if i had known what i know now back when i was in my teens. That i would most likely not be who i am today. She of course asked for more details with a little shot at me saying your not going to go jenner on me are you. I replied no...and got a bit emotional. I explained some specific events growing up and actions that i took as well as some same sex relationships. She was very cool about it and said that if i did this and really liked it that i should be true to myself and do what i want to do in order to be happy. Which was a great thing to hear concidering i was ready to vomit at just having this conversation in the first place. I truely love her and do not want to ruin what we have. My reasoning to her is i needed to just do this one night to feel beautiful instead of handsome...to just see myself in that light that i keep thinking about but never acted on it. I told her i would likely look in the mirror and break down...because i have needed this for so long and to just get it off my chest would be such a release. I explained that i did not want to go any further than that. Family, children, etc. It's just not that important to me to go full on and make a change. So, my question is...since this last year has been so intense with this need to explore this side of me are there options for me to figure out how to keep my current lifestyle stable without having to accept this part of myself? I am sure my T levels have plumeted...i cry at 30 second life insurance commercials. My emotions are all over the place...my tastes have changed...i shaved my legs and love it...i cant go down this road right now. What kind of therapy should i be looking for?

Thanks for any help in this matter. Im moving really fast...this last week has been insane...buying makeup, searching for wigs, my legs...feel Amazing!...and i am grossed out by the stubbles...im checking my butt in the mirror...i just feel like im spiralling.

[tgirlamc]

Hi,

Sounds like you have a lot going on upstairs right now with all this stuff!!!... I too was hit hard with this stuff at the half life mark after a lifetime of keeping it on the back burner to varying degrees of success... Mid life is definitely a time of examination of where we are in our life... Are we happy?... Are we not?... And if not... Why?... What's missing? ... Am I a CD?... TS? Something else with a horribly confusing acronyms??? :) My path led to transition.... Yours may or may not ...

This stuff doesn't really go away... I would urge you to find a therapist specializing in gender issues in your area through the WPATH website so you can explore these things a bit more.

Take Care,
Ashley :)

[Halflifecrysis]

WPATH website...i saw that listed as i was reading the list of acronyms...good advise and very much appreciated. It has been very hectic all of a sudden. Like a slap in the face at this point...so i likely would benefit from talking to someone whom specializes in this sort of thing. Its one of the main reasons i came here...cant balance this on my own anymore. Thank you.

[tgirlamc]

Good luck on your quest!!! Self exploration... The last frontier!!! :)

[becky77]

Do you have any issues living and identifying as a man?
Sometimes when the impossible question of what it is to be a woman comes up you can do alot of questioning on how far these female feelings go.

I wouldn't recommend Transition however for some of us it was inevitable at some point.
If you won't transition for whatever reason then there is only one question, how tolerable is life as a man?
Is there something going on inside that transcends clothes and makeup?

For me it was always intolerable and I never fit into a man's world, in the end it was that I was too tired to fight it anymore.
My desperation to be my true to myself eclipsed any fear, there was only one path left.

There is a huge difference between wanting to dress female and the very core of your identity being hidden from the world.

[Halflifecrysis]

Those are truly big questions that I honestly do not want to even begin to contemplate. My fear is if i do and there is more to this that i may make some rather poor decisions for myself. Not to say that they are the wrong decisions but for me i am unable to accept myself if i were ...no...nevermind..truth is...i do not want to hurt my family, go through the friendship issues, my children...etc. its tolerable for me. Yes, i know i do not fit in with the male standard...but its not something that is really that noticable. I'm seen as a bit quiet and standoffish. The simplified view from the outside world where the reality is that i just dont know how to be genuine in my role...so i back off and observe. Im emotionally different yet physically strong male. I have an attraction for woman but it stands very balanced with an envy of the female form. There was a time when this all was so much easier but with age...its like that man side is like screw it...im tired...and i cant find the drive anymore. I do not enjoy intimacy as much as i used to. Which i am sure that is a normal thing with age but there is that other half of me that does get excited and seems to be as young as ever...trying to push me to explore new things. Things i would have never thought i would have ever considered. Its frustrating being in a relationship with a life partner and being unable to fullfill my needs...and lacking the desire for her that i used to. Its not a bored thing either...i could fix that...make it exciting again...it's much deeper than that. Anyway, im rambling. I know what i need to do and i will definitely be looking at that website tonight and find someone local to share these concerns with. Im sure i will figure it out...just really in hyperdrive right now. Thank you for everything. You are all so helpful.

[JanePeterson]

Sounds like you're in a really tough spot - someone on here once told me that the answers that scared me the most were likely the truth... and they were right

I hope your therapy can bring you some clarity and peace - when I faced this 8 months ago, I did one thing that I am so glad for, which was take steps to remove any tools I had that would, ah, facilitate an easy way out of these issues; not sure where your head/heart is but it might be a good idea to do something similar in case things get worse.

Jane

[KymberlyOct]

You mention that you are in hyper-drive right now and it seemed that you meant emotionally. That is IMHO the most important reason to get with a therapist asap. I say asap not because you are crazy, you seem perfectly sane, but because your emotions are starting to feed upon themselves. I completely get it. But a therapist can help you sort through these things. They don't straighten you out. They just show you the road on how you can straighten yourself out and find yourself. One thing all of us mid life transitioners can tell you as well as CD members on the other forum. These feelings don't go away. They are part of who you are. The real question is how do you manage them and possibly act upon them in order to live as happy and content a life as possible.

This forum should NOT be your only support but I have found it a VERY helpful piece. Spend time on here, ask questions. Send Private Messages when appropriate. But it should only be a piece of your support. We are here for you.