I just want the truth....

[nothingclever]

Is he gay? I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....what do you all want, you're just like him? What do you want? To be women all the time? Are you just afraid to admit it? I'm confused. Don't get mad, this is a real question...well, a series of questions....:p

[Marcelle]

Hi there,

To be honest, the only one that answer those questions is him/her. While there are some commonalities amongst many here, there are differences. As a transwoman, I can't speak to what a cross dresser wants but having watered here for some time, I have an understanding from what I have read. Cross dressers tend to identify as male even when dressed but that runs the gambit of "all dude" to "woman when dressed but still like my guy side". For some along that CD spectrum, fantasy plays a big role in "feel good" so you may find some who identify as heterosexual male fantasizing about sex with a man with them in female role. Does it mean they want to become a woman? Potentially they could be trans and are just in denial about it but it is also likely they are CD and the fantasy is part of the process. Again, she/he would have the answer to that.

The key thing to remember is that cross dressing is not a "gateway expression" to being transsexual. As a trans woman, I was always a woman . . . I just denied suppressed for so long that being guy was the only thing I knew. Once I accepted myself then things fell into a peaceful state. If she/he is a cross dresser and that is it . . . that is where she/he will stay. If she/he is truly trans then it is probable she/he will continue forward. This is not to scare you or imply this will happen but again I think a sit down discussion with your BF and some honest responses from him/her is warranted.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Meghan4now]

Clever,

Marcelle answered well. I would add that based on your previous posts, he sounds like he is probably bi or bicurious, and certainly has an issue with the fantasy reality border, as well as an empathetic appreciation for his affect on others within a relationship.

As far as being the same as others on this forum, I think we are a pretty diverse group, and there are some that are more like him and less like him. As far as likelihood of being gay, I know there are a great many CDS like myself that are not, but there are also many that are gay or bi. Numbers? I have no statistically valid facts, but I would guess the "not straight" occurrence is probably higher than the general population. But let's not get that argument rolling.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You can't find the answers you seek in generalisations- crossdressers come in all flavours.

In all probability he doesn't know exactly what he wants, which is why you and he are where you're at.

Your options are pretty limited: either he answers your questions and you get to make a decision, or he can't answer...and you get to make a decision.

It pretty much comes down to how much do you love him. I always tend to side with the person in your position, in questions like these, and my advice is always the same: don't waste your life waiting for someone to thrash around and maybe or maybe not discover themselves unless you know in your heart you're with them for the long haul, no matter what. Unconditional love, in other words. This applies to all partners, not just crossdressers.

Good luck to you both and please let us know how it goes.

[ClosetED]

Welcome back Clever! I has missed the post last month about her returning to you. I expected that would happen sooner or later - you are too wonderful to abandon.
(Switch pronoun now to match your usage)
Is he gay? - unlikely as he wants to be with you. As stated, he is likely bicurious. But imagining a penetration is different than making it happen. He is old enough to have made it happen if that is what he truly desires. We are not all like him - I do not have penetration fantasies. I do imagine society treating me like a woman, having men admire my from afar - as confirmation that I appear normal. He may be confused as to what it takes to affirm his feminine-ness. With his level of guilt, he may be afraid to say his inner feelings to those he loves - like you. So see if he will see a therapist or come here to learn about himself. You came and learned. Hopefully what you learned may help him, but he has to acknowledge what is his truth.

Hugs, Ellen

[Desiree2bababe]

Is he gay? Only he can answer that!

I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....what do you all want, you're just like him? What do you want? To be women all the time? Are you just afraid to admit it? I'm confused. Speaking for myself, yes I want the penetration and do fantasize about men and their parts, however I do not want a man, so to speak, at least not permanently. I want to wear the sexiest of clothes, I want the aurora of a woman, I want all the nicety's a woman gets to enjoy, the perfume, the jewelry, the lingerie, the heels, omg - the heels. Sadly, I've admitted it long ago but chose the path of being a man for the most part.

[Sascha Marie]

im pretty much 24/7 being out of work right now and i love when my wife takes on the more masculine role. i enjoy cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc while she mows the yard and picks out what we watch on tv. i would not enjoy doing this with a man.

[susmitha]

I read all the replies till now. Specifically, I think I have something in common with Sascha Marie. I want my wife to take on the more masculine role and treat me as a woman whenever we are alone. I would love to treat her as my man. I actually think she is more masculine.

[Jenniferathome]

His fantasies, only he can answer. I do not have such fantasies.

I'm straight. I will NEVER transition. This is the norm for most cross dressers. Some trans people think they are cross dressers before admitting they are more than that. It's a tough admission when you think about what that future holds.

you are concerned enough that it is counseling time for the both of you.

[Tracii G]

Sounds to me like he has penis fantasies but gay I don't think so he is with you after all.
Does that mean he will act on those fantasies? You would have to ask him that or have him actually come face to face with that option to actually know if he would.
I never understood sexual fantasies so maybe I am not the one to answer that part.
Does he want to be a woman? Probably not after all he is into fantasies right?
As for me I wish I had been born female but play the hand I was given.
I am gay but don't have fantasies about penises.
I'm not afraid to admit I love to dress as a female.
The only one to answer anything in your situation is him/her.
As stated earlier crossdressing is not a "gateway" to anything If a guy likes to wear womens clothes it doesn't have anything to do with his sexual orientation.

[ReineD]

An explanation that is not popular here and that is also not mentioned, and that you might put to him for his consideration, is the possibility that he might be aroused by the idea of being a woman. Most of us are raised amidst heterosexual models (the people that most of us know and live with are not homosexual) and you might ask him if he finds erotic the thought of penetration, but only as a woman. Ask him if in these fantasies, he is male with a male body.

My SO had been single for about 10 years, and as such he was free to explore sex with men while dressed. He found that in the reality of the moment, the actual act turned him off because he did fundamentally have male parts that the other man was most interested in. This blew the fantasy apart. Yet, my SO is happy being male in his day-to-day life.

[Tina_gm]

I could only echo what other are saying that only he can answer your questions- having said that I can speculate. Since there are women who like penetration that way and I have been told by a couple of women that IT has nothing to do with being gay or straight, it just is what it is.... And those women wanted me to partake in said method. It wasn't for me. I have also been told by a couple of gay men that IT is not for them either. I guess IT really is what it is for the individual.

The Penis fantasies however, well, that is another thing. So, is it the feeling, or what is giving him the feeling?? I would really have to speculate that if he is having Penis fantasies, there is something there.

Sexual orientation IS different. There are very feminine lesbian women, they like to be all girly, wear heels, basically they are barbie dolls. And there are masculine gay men. Bikers, tough guys, all muscular etc etc. Generally, the effeminate gay men and masculine lesbians seem to be the more vocal, more "out" if you will.

To be women all the time?? Is that what he is talking about? Transitioning? For me, I do have fantasies of being a woman. I have moments simply where I wish I was one. I am more feminine than masculine overall. Having said that, my desires/fantasies to be a woman just are not strong enough for me to go through all of what it would take. Besides that, I also have a strong suspicion I would feel a sense of buyers remorse when all is said and done. Like what tracii said, about playing the hand that was dealt seems to me the best course or path for me to go on rather than to muck the hand and go on the path to transition.

We are all as varied on here as is anyone, in any sub culture. The ONLY thing which really binds us together is that we are all gender variant, but from there it branches out like a christmas spruce tree, with so many branches and so many little needles, everyone one of them unique to themselves. Some on here I do have a lot of identification with, many others, hardly at all.

I think the best thing you can do is to try to get through to what is going on with him. He may just be in a place of self discovery. He may be trying to keep some normalcy by having you in his life, even though his real desires are to be a woman full time and to have a man as a lover. He could be realizing he is bi curious or bi sexual. Maybe he already knows but just doesn't want to tell you. I could go on and on of the maybes.

You do deserve the truth. Hopefully he can come to a place where he can be comfortable with that truth, to you, as well as himself. Our own truths are often so hard to deal with. It took me 30 years to even begin to grapple with my own gender variance, and that I was more feminine than masculine.

[Stephanie47]

If you want the truth just ask him. Fantasies remain fantasies as long as a person does not act upon them. As Reine said most of the time the fantasy far exceeds the actual event. Remember this site really does not require full disclosure of who is posting. Take the comments here with a grain of salt. I can readily envision why the vast majority of women are turned off by their husband's cross dressing desires. Can she really tell where fantasy and fact start and end?

[Desiree2bababe]

Very well said gendermutt............

[Teresa]

Nothingclever,
May I ask are these your questions out of curiosity or something your partner has commented on ?

I can only answer from my own personal point of view, I only have intimate thoughts for women as a male , whatever label you give to the other side of me increases the need to be with a woman. Any thoughts of relationship with a man just aren't there, the increased intimacy doesn't always revolve around simply having a penis, so yes I consider I'm bi-gender.

I will add that that for a short period being with a man was intriguing but I would think either gender occasionally have thoughts along those lines sometime in their life, I guess as humans we're just curious .

As others have said , only your partner can truly put your mind at rest over these issues.

[Dana44]

Clever, I am a BI TG CD. However, I am with a girl. Yes I have tried men, however women are far better to be around and love. Do I think about them? Yes, but fantasy is strong and reality is sometimes sober. Women are amazing creatures and men like us are so fortunate to have one. Communication is key here and to unlock his fantasies you have to really ask him and work though it. Perhaps he may come to the realization that you are his best interest.

[CONSUELO]

We are not "all like him". In my experience there is an entire spectrum of cross dressing flavors. I understand that most of the cross dressers on this site are heterosexual but there are many gay cross dressers. The question is really for your partner and the only way to approach and answer is to seek the help of a therapist. Experimentation is another route but one that could be very upsetting and potentially destructive.

[Kate Simmons]

Not necessarily, it would depend on the person. I just want to have fun with the CDing and consider it an art for,m and love to dance all night at the club en femme like I did this past Saturday night. Sex doesn't even enter into the equation unless I would find an exceptional person. :battingeyelashes::)

[Pat]

Is he gay? I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....

Did you ask him? Did he say no? Is the issue that you don't believe him? If you ask him 100 times and he says no 100 times will you believe him then?

You don't understand what being transgender is -- we get that; we understand that you don't understand, we even understand WHY you don't understand but you don't have to understand anything in this case -- you just have to believe what he tells you (or not.)

Don't ask us what he feels. The only way to know what he's feeling is to ask and the only way for that to work is to believe the answer. Otherwise, you didn't need to ask the question in the first place -- you've already decided what answer you're going to believe.

[Tina_gm]

Whoa Jennie, NC is coming here as there is apparently confusion and likely a communication breakdown. She needs to know, whether that is what she wants to hear, or doesn't want to hear that what her partner is showing and expressing isn't the same for all of us. Let's all please be kind to those who are coming here for questions, either for themselves or others. Many of us get frustrated with the lack of knowledge and here is the place we can best help with that.

[Lauri K]

The truth is that people evolve from day to day on what they need / want / desire etc. Life is dynamic and constantly changing.

I mean it's like this; I have 9" penis fantasy, (don't ask why) but the chances of such a crazy fantasy ever coming to reality is slim or at least I feel that way. And if it were to come true I would have to phone up a girlfriend of mine to come help (just saying)

The reality is we are all different and there is NO such thing as all of us TG/TS/CD etc. "being just like him", sorry but it just is not that simple

I am placing him over on the not gay but highly / Bi Curious wheel,,,,,,,but that is my opinion

[Pat]

Gendermutt -- Sorry if the tone read as harsh -- it's not meant to. Read it as your benevolent aunt Jennie telling you these truths: 1. you cannot know what another person is feeling unless you ask them. 2. Don't ask the question if you're not going to believe the answer.

Truth #2 has a lot of caveats; the person might not know the answer, they might not want to speak the answer, they might be wrong (there's a difference between truth and correctness) or they might not tell the truth. But regardless, if you ask you have to make a commitment to believe. Otherwise, why ask?

[Tracii G]

I'm getting the feeling the OP has made her mind up no matter what we as a group tell her.
Why?
Because the way "we" see things is so far removed from what she thinks she doesn't believe us.

[Sometimes Steffi]

So, like others have said, if you want to know about him, only he can answer. But I will answer for me.

Gay, no. Want to be with a man, no. That's why I wear a very obvious engagement ring when i go out -- as an attempt to keep men away. Have I had fantasies, yes. But are they realistic, no. I think they're fun as fantasies, but I'd run for the hills if they started looking like they were real. See engagement ring above. I've had fantasies about getting it on with Julia Roberts, but I don't think that's very realistic. And even if the opportunity presented itself, I'd still recall that I was married, even though it would be really hard to kick her out of bed.

I'm a crossdresser, maybe even bigender. I'm very comfortable being both the real me and Steffi also, so I'm fully planning on keeping all my parts intact.

So, the real question is how can I be so sure? Five years of therapy over the last eight years. It might not work for everyone, but it worked for me.

[EffyJaspers]

Is he gay? I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....what do you all want, you're just like him? What do you want? To be women all the time? Are you just afraid to admit it? I'm confused. Don't get mad, this is a real question...well, a series of questions....:p

You are straight if you find women attractive (you can also be body nvious of them too for their looks and clothes, but attraction is needed), you're bisexual if you find women and men attractive (and possibly body envious of both again), and you are gay if you find only men attractive (and still be body envious of them possibly).

Fantasies, well... if it hardens you then you may be a little kinky, but just cause you want to be bottom doesn't mean you are exactly gay. Rheotorically, If a guy gets pegged he's considered straight, so if he gets penetrated with a dick maybe he found it's easier to get a dick then a strap-on to do him. Pegged-straight/dick-gay is opinion to those who've had it. I think most here mtf CDing would like to be dressed like women 24/7 if it was normal and not stigmatized, but not necessarily women. They may have body envy (i would totally like a real pair of B breasts) (and a lean body (I like my muscle, but get rid of the fat!)) (smooth legs, smooth chests, etc. no hair on parts of the body), I have some body envy. I want to get with plenty of women i see day in and out at work, so I am not afraid to admit I am the concept of a CD -> straight, but likes to look more feminine.

[Tracii G]

Doesn't mean you are exactly gay?
So there is a non exactly gay?
I'm not exactly following your disjointed train of thought.Kind of trying to figure out if you have hit the blunt tonight.

[Pat]

You are straight if you find women attractive (...), you're bisexual if you find women and men attractive (...), and you are gay if you find only men attractive (...).

Only my personal opinion, but I think the straight / gay / bisexual labels only work in reference to cisgendered people. The discussions get wrapped around the axle when you try to apply them to transgender folks -- that's when you start to get silly / offensive assertions like men claiming they're lesbians.

[Meghan4now]

So back to the OP.....

Clever, have you found what you are looking for? Has any of this struck a chord? I know it's rough, but you need to decide what your willing to live with and what you're not. While I am a big proponent of working things out, there are sometimes where you need to move on. If you don't have a commitment, it should be easier. Also don't trap yourself by throwing good money after bad, or believing that this relationship is your last chance for happiness.

[Tracii G]

Clever Meghan makes a good point.
If all this is too hard for you to deal with then move on there are other guys out there.
To stay with him and be questioning everything he does doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you or him.
To say "but I love him" is your way of saying I don't think I can find another man so I have to settle for whatever I can get.
You may not want to hear that but you need to IMO.
The only way to know anything concrete you will have to ask him because none of us here can answer that for you.
It all boils down to how much you can deal with and how far you are going to go in truly understanding him and what makes him/her tick and still love the person.

[Jenniferathome]

... I think most here mtf CDing would like to be dressed like women 24/7 if it was normal and not stigmatized, but not necessarily women. ...

Effy, you can't use the word "most." This does not represent the typical cross dresser as evidenced by their own postings on this forum. "Some" or perhaps even better "few" is the right descriptor.

[Cheryl T]

We are "just like him" in many ways, but also oh so different in many others.

I think the questions you ask should be asked to him and answered by him.
We each have our own reasons for segments of our dressing, we each have our own desires, we each have our own style. There is no "One Size Fits All" crossdresser. We are all unique, we just happen to share a love of things feminine and embrace our own femininity.

Start talking to him, openly, honestly and non-judgementally. Talk, talk, talk...you might be surprised at how many of your question will be answered to your satisfaction.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Nothingclever,

There are a lot of really great advise that was posted above. However you're not asking about "truth" you're asking about our opinion and how we see ourselves. Although as was mentioned above I wil have to agree that you need to spend some time with him and communicate your wants and desires. We don't wish to "label" him, as "gay", in addition most people do not like labels. "Penis fantasies, the penetration..." Another question that only you and he will have to answer, how far are you both willing to go. In my opinion if you confront him and ask him about it and he doesn't wish to speak about it with you when he isn't crossdressed then good chance he doesn't want it either...

What do I want? I would be lying if I had said I didn't have those same fantasies at one time or another. Does that put a "label" on me? Do I care that you want to label me... :: shrug :: each person is as different as each snow flake, one may like the attention of men, where the next may not. "But he crossdresses?" So, seems kind of a personal question.

Are we all just like him or just as different as the snow flakes? Stereotype much?

"What do you want?" Not to be labeled or laughed at. To be happy in my black t-shirt, jeans and boots, or high heels and a dress...

Woman all the time? Remember the snowflake ?

Afraid... I wear women's clothes. I chose where and when, because I made a deal with my wife. We set boundaries and rules. If we are to stay married to each other then we both must communicate and tell each other our wants and desires. If the other doesn't want to play or compromise then we have to respect each other's wants. Or... You find someone else.

I wasn't mad. What you seemed to ask was my opinion or how I felt. I don't do labels, or stereotype, get jealous, or stress over things I cannot control. If your partner is having wants or desires that you are not comfortable with. Tell him. Don't label him.

@--}-----
Michelle

[TrishaLake]

[QUOTE=ReineD;3973719]is the possibility that he might be aroused by the idea of being a woman.
I concur with Renee(I often do lol)...I would never transition myself but I am turned on by bing the women conceptually...I don't feel gay or BI but have slept with a man...that said...only he knows so I would continue talking to him.

[redtea]

Your concerns sound similar to my situation ( liking to CD, Penetration) i haven't gone as far as complete makeover but i think i know whats going on in his head

CDing, From a fetish/sexual point of view is a form of acting out in a way a lustful woman would. Fantasy and Reality are two different things, Not everyone wants to turn their fantasy into a reality or is capable of overcoming the barriers to do so. I'm also very certain the man in question only fantasizes about being taken by a man in the heat of the moment. It would be very rare for him to fantasize about these things while in male mode in public.

As for what he wants...He wants you to peg him while dolled up with lots of spanking and dirty talk...it will be hard for you if your mind is closed off to freaky sex.

[Tracii G]

This thread is getting to the point where the banter is getting disgusting.

[AmandaM]

I don't know if he is really gay. Only he can tell you that. I fantasize about being a woman, up to and including having sex as one. Yes, I really want to be a hot chick and have sex. But the male me in a dress? With a man? Nah, kinda blows the mood.

[Kellitgdet]

Ok here is my take on the original post.
I think Clever is not asking if all cd's are like her husband but are there some like her, just looking to see if it is possible. How is it for us.
For me not I'm not gay. I have had sexual penis fantasies. I don't what a man. So for me I adore women. I love getting my fem-self on and feeling beautiful inside and out.

I hope you are able to persevere and find the truth and it is something you are able to set boundaries and live with. CD"s can have the best of both world's to offer.

[donnalee]

Bottom line (no pun intended): We don't know (all we can do is give you our experiences, which likely have little or nothing to do with yours), you don't know (otherwise you wouldn't be asking); he might know. Your only chance of finding out is to ask him. If he doesn't know, which is a good possibility, then no one does. Or you could try the last speculation.

[Ressie]

I thought the OP's blog might help to see where she's coming from but there's nothing there at all. The questions in the OP seem rhetorical. Any of our answers won't be the same as the person's answers she's wondering about = "don't ask me".

[sometimes_miss]

Too simplified, but perhaps not, either. This works for men, not women; why? Because men are visual creatures. Our primary attraction is in what we see.

Test. Sit on the beach. Hot girl coming from one direction, hot guy coming from the other. Which way did your eyes go before you thought about it? Sitting on the boardwalk having an ice cream cone, beer, whatever. Same test. Who are you looking at? For men at least, endorphins are generated just by looking at someone we find sexually attractive; so initially we do it before thinking about it (have to be careful with this one, because of the Coolidge effect, seeing a long term female mate will not generate that instant endorphin release the way a 'new' attractive female will).

At the barber shop, what magazine does he grab; Playboy, the sports illustrated swimsuit edition, or pumping iron magazine with a guy in all the pictures?

This is not, of course, definitive; but nearly all non gay men will automatically FIRST look at the very hot chick, not another guy.

[Bunty]

Is he gay? I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....what do you all want, you're just like him? What do you want? To be women all the time? Are you just afraid to admit it? I'm confused. Don't get mad, this is a real question...well, a series of questions....:p

I can only speak for myself but I hope it will be of benefit.

I am a living, breathing example of a born cross-dresser who revels in penetration.

I do not consider myself gay. I have never acted sexually with a male. I have been in a most loving relationship with the same woman for close to thirty years. That woman, my wife, is kind enough to satisfy my cravings to be penetrated. I am not sure what is meant by "penis fantasies", but in my case these acts do involve a penis-like dildo. Extremely intense orgasms can occur for me when we are both clad in lingerie, hosiery and heels and I am on the receiving end of anal sex.

There are good reasons for the intensity of the experience in my cross-dresser's mind. The clothing and the penetration cater to my desire for "feminisation". While I would have preferred to have been born female, I am resigned in my case to my male body (although I do endeavour to minimise its masculinity). With that male body came a prostate gland, directly accessible only via the anus. Besides the fact that the anus is an erogenous zone, stimulation of the prostate is immensely pleasurable.

My brain happens to be autistic. I do not fantasise easily for that reason. And, for that reason, I have tried porn selectively, prioritising the above elements (hosiery, heels, anal penetration). The genre is intrinsically unrealistic and in that way I have found that it can actually work for my brain as fantasy made flesh. Whether or not a male is involved, I find that I always identify with the "bottom" female or trans participant. This has led me to wonder if I could enjoy the "real thing" doing the job of a dildo. Situationally, I suspect that I could do so, especially if it belonged to a CD or trans person. But I have no desire to otherwise explore a man's body (perhaps that is the meaning of "penis fantasies" :battingeyelashes: ).

In all other contexts, I have no interest in that organ. My eye is drawn only to the splendour of the elegant female. That is what I admire and that is what I wish to emulate. I do consider myself most fortunate in the fact that my wife and I concur in our tastes in the women we esteem and in the clothing which we like to see worn and to wear ourselves.

I do hope that the above helps. Everyone is different, of course. You and your partner may both benefit from frank discussion, including of each other's desires (or needs). For things to truly work, your own should not be sidelined. It is only reasonable that he should look after you as you look after him. I can assure you that what you seem to describe can work in a loving relationship between a CD and a woman. :)

[Thictoria]

Hi nc,
Gay id say no because he is in a relationship with you and not a man! Bi maybe but maybe not. He may just have a fantasy of being the woman in bed and nothing more. I'll echo everyone else and say only he can answer your question! Hope everything works out and you get your answers and you can both move forward x

[Tina_gm]

I think sometimes miss did touch on something relevant for NC. When you are with him out, or movies or whatever, do you or can you sense what he is paying MORE attention to... if, he tends to notice men more, even if it is casual observations about what they are doing or their appearance rather than women that is an indication. Remember I said more. I often remark to my wife of some men over their appearance or attitude. But if she chose to be a member here and commented on this, she would tell you I pay much closer attention to women. Mostly because I am noticing them for their appearance but not in a desirable way, not that the always makes her feel good either, but I'm much more focused on females. A guy has to be looking Luke a real clown or having some ridiculous attitude, otherwise I don't pay a whole lot of attention.

[nothingclever]

I have looked at the responses I've gotten, but have been hesitant to respond. I feel like I just pissed a lot of people off....though I did see some pretty freaking kind folks coming to my defense too. I think it's naive and sweet that so many think I should just ask him....like I never thought of that! BTW, I deleted that blog because I thought it was too personal for the interwebs.....other than that, I'm just sorry I even posted this in the first place. I was hurting and confused. It was dumb. Sorry.

[Brandy Mathews]

ReineD,
It is so awesome having your point of view on not just this subject, but all of the things on here. Thank you so much!
Bree :)

- - - Updated - - -

I guess the saying.....Never say never, would apply to me. I have NEVER been gay but I love that I am a cross dresser. I guess that it used to make me very mad that it had such control over me but I have come to realize that it is just me. I recently started conversing with another CD on here. Have gotten to know her pretty well and I have to say that I do enjoy her messages, her thoughts, her caring. And I have had thoughts about us when we meet. It is crazy, I have never had those thoughts before. I really want to meet her, move this relationship on further. So I guess that I am gay. Care about her very much. Have even thought about when we do meet, what I would do to her to make her smile. I know that I would look at her in her eyes, then kiss her passionately, move on from there. If he would want to be a part time dresser, I would love to be his girlfriend, have dinner ready for him when he gets home, love to cook, sew, even clean house. And of course....shop, lol. I know, I wonder about myself too, how much I like all of these things. Not the typical CD I guess.
Miss you babe,
Bree :)

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I guess the saying.....Never say never, would apply to me. I have NEVER been gay but I love that I am a cross dresser. I guess that it used to make me very mad that it had such control over me but I have come to realize that it is just me. I recently started conversing with another CD on here. Have gotten to know her pretty well and I have to say that I do enjoy her messages, her thoughts, her caring. And I have had thoughts about us when we meet. It is crazy, I have never had those thoughts before. I really want to meet her, move this relationship on further. So I guess that I am gay. Care about her very much. Have even thought about when we do meet, what I would do to her to make her smile. I know that I would look at her in her eyes, then kiss her passionately, move on from there. If he would want to be a part time dresser, I would love to be his girlfriend, have dinner ready for him when he gets home, love to cook, sew, even clean house. And of course....shop, lol. I know, I wonder about myself too, how much I like all of these things. Not the typical CD I guess.
Miss you babe,
Bree :)

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I guess the saying.....Never say never, would apply to me. I have NEVER been gay but I love that I am a cross dresser. I guess that it used to make me very mad that it had such control over me but I have come to realize that it is just me. I recently started conversing with another CD on here. Have gotten to know her pretty well and I have to say that I do enjoy her messages, her thoughts, her caring. And I have had thoughts about us when we meet. It is crazy, I have never had those thoughts before. I really want to meet her, move this relationship on further. So I guess that I am gay. Care about her very much. Have even thought about when we do meet, what I would do to her to make her smile. I know that I would look at her in her eyes, then kiss her passionately, move on from there. If he would want to be a part time dresser, I would love to be his girlfriend, have dinner ready for him when he gets home, love to cook, sew, even clean house. And of course....shop, lol. I know, I wonder about myself too, how much I like all of these things. Not the typical CD I guess.
Miss you babe,
Bree :)

[ellbee]

I have looked at the responses I've gotten, but have been hesitant to respond. I feel like I just pissed a lot of people off....though I did see some pretty freaking kind folks coming to my defense too. I think it's naive and sweet that so many think I should just ask him....like I never thought of that! BTW, I deleted that blog because I thought it was too personal for the interwebs.....other than that, I'm just sorry I even posted this in the first place. I was hurting and confused. It was dumb. Sorry.

Well, you had a situation at the time & you had questions. Maybe they could have been taken the wrong way, but, you asked them, and the result was this thread. :)


Anyway, as you've already found out, we here are definitely *not* all the same. We really do run the gamut -- so, it's pretty much impossible to answer for someone else, because the possibilities are almost endless.


And as for those saying it's impossible for a guy to be gay because he's with a GG? Um, have you never actually met someone who's gay? They come in "all flavors," too! I actually know two guys, for example, who have been together for like 15-20 years now. Know where they were before that? Married... to GG's... and they each had children with them at the time! Go figure, eh? ;)

(Not to "scare" anyone, of course. But I am saying that it can & does happen sometimes.)


As for me answering the OP's questions, what would be the point? I could only answer them as *I* would. Which would be kind of useless.

Hopefully she's in a better place now. And yes, we forgive you! :)

[gokatiegirl]

This question comes up quite frequently on this forum and getting tired of responding to it. I can only speak for myself and tend to piss people off when I do because I definitely don't seem to fit the mold here. I personally know a lot (more than 75) TGs and CDs and everybody clearly thinks similar to myself.

With that said:

If you identify as a woman and seek a man that is NOT gay.
If you identify as a woman and seek a generic woman, that IS gay.
If you're a polished CD that wanders about with thoughts to transition and seek a man it's curious but not gay.
If you're a closet/open CD and seeks other CDs to cuddle, kiss and whatever, that is bi unless you're not interested in a woman then it's gay.

Everyone is a CD to start with and haven't found one yet that didn't seek others to experiment with. I base this on my own finding of people I meet at TG events, support groups, pride events and LGBT clubs. If you're married, don't get out to events or seek to meet others like yourself... Yes you probably never played but I doubt being with another man never crossed your mind.

[JenniferMBlack]

I can only speak for myself as I am a male cd. I don't feel like I am someone else even when dressed, nor do I feel like I am part girl part boy. I do however like wearing female clothes and looking like a female from time to time.

As for the bi part I prefer women. I find being with a man enjoyable. I have been in a relationship with a couple of men over the years and find if stressful and unfullfilling. I make certain any woman I am in a relationship with knows I am a bi cd before it gets to serious..
The problem may be he dosen't know what he is or what he wants. You need to decide what you can deal with what you can accept. How long you are willing to wait for him for to figure out who he is. From your previous posts it sounds like he has great self conflict and is not ready to except himself for who he is. Until he can except himself he won't be able to figure out who he is.
Unfortunately there is no cookie cutter answers to this.every person is different, though there are similarities. I wish you luck in your adventure and hope he finds his way.

[dolovewell]

I am a crossdresser and its nothing more than that. I am not gay, I am not bi, I have zero interest at all in men and it will always be that way. The idea of me being attracted to men is very offputting. I would not be OK with being hit on by men. I don't identify as a woman either, I am a man, I am happy with that, I like my life, I like being a man, I like the masculine part of me. I just crossdress because I enjoy it and want to be feminine sometimes. I don't make more out of it than it is.

[AlyssaJ]

I can definitely empathize with the OP's frustration. I know my wife has had some similar frustrations. All I can say to the OP or anyone else feeling the same is that there is a good chance that he's not trying to lie to you, he may very genuinely not know himself. I'm going through this right now with my wife. I'm undoing years and years of treating my crossdressing like it was a sexual fetish. I told her that's what it was because I believed it was. I explained to her over and over that I'm not gay, I'm not a woman trapped in a man's body, etc., all the while using the the "it's just a fetish" element as evidence to help ease her mind.

Unfortunately what I've since discovered is that I believed it was a sexual fetish because that was the only explanation I could find. The internet is a dangerous place and back in the late 90's and early 2K's, a search for crossdressing topics yielded only tons of stories and porn centered around CD fetishes. So I assumed that's what it was. It didn't really totally fit me but it was the best explanation I had.

Society and the psychological community both have come a long way in their identification and understanding of gender issues in the last 5-8 years. As a result, I've come to realize that my desires to crossdress in and outside of the bedroom are related to a female identity that constantly accompanies my male identity. That sexual thrill I got, wasn't a result of being a man wearing girly clothes, it was being a woman finally wearing clothes that not only made me feel like a woman but made me feel like I was sexually appealing (even if the actual sight of me was horrid).

Now I'm not saying the OP's SO fits this same story. He's got his own story and he has to discover what that is. He may be very well trying to fit into a mold that isn't appropriate for who he is and is unable to answer the questions above because he simply doesn't know the answer.