becky77
07-26-2016, 09:55 AM
Sitting here feeling crappy again I thought I would share my perspective on being TS and a little of my transition experience.
Maybe some can relate maybe not, it’s going to be a long post so I don’t blame anyone that gets bored.
The Early years:
First off I have always known from the start.
The problem is/was I didn’t know that I knew if you get my meaning. My definition of knowing is this, I was screwed up nothing was as it should have been and everything always felt wrong. I couldn’t find friends I hated how I looked and I just didn’t fit in at school or anywhere this led to me feeling isolated and I mentally retreated into my own world. I would spend the majority of my time doing anything that averted me from facing the misery that was life, monster books, ghost stories whatever it was I well and truly disappeared into that Narnian closet.
Added to this I knew I wanted to be a girl and having only brothers I had no idea where this idea came from but I crushed it as being a weirdo and it must be kept secret.
At a very early age I learnt to hide my feelings.
Time passed school got harder and harder and I didn’t have a social life, puberty was pure misery but I didn’t click why. I can only say that I truly suffered it crippled my confidence and destroyed any education and career possibilities. So when I say ‘I knew’ it wasn’t some definitive realisation I was a female stuck in a man’s world it was just that I couldn’t function as a normal human being and I had this underlining need to be a girl it wasn’t until much later that I connected the two as being the same issue.
Adult Life:
I was fortunate to meet a wonderful woman whom I married and was very much in love with, I told her early on about me as I just couldn’t hide something so integral to my personality. She taught me so much and helped give me some self-esteem. I was very happy with her but still dreadfully sad within myself, time moved on and I continued to contain my emotions and use hobbies and work to hide my inner feelings.
I managed to maintain this self-denial for quite some time until finally I just had enough, I reached an all time low and I either had to do something or say goodbye to this bleak life.
I had tried Crossdressing off and on over the years and mostly it left me feeling worse, angry and despondent. I guess the crossdressing was a way to get in contact and see in the mirror the person inside but the subterfuge and fakery made me want to rage quit everytime. Just wearing a dress had zero appeal I was looking for the physicality not the clothes but I couldn’t process that idea at the time.
I certainly never thought it was fun (more like stressful) and anyone calling it a gift I could have hit if in front of me. Being a Crossdresser made me even more miserable, of course I now know that’s because I never was a Crossdresser.
Transition:
It’s fair to say transition has gone well for me on the outside. Only lost a few friends, family all supporting me and work was a dream, I’m lucky to live in Britain where things are definitely more liberal. I seem to pass and it’s generally been a non issue.
So I could say a successful transition and what’s all the fuss about which is why I want to add the next part.
Transition the stuff no one sees:
I’m tall with large feet and typical male shoulders (no one seems to notice these details), I have an adams apple and my hair mostly fell out. My voice isn’t the best and after several years of stress my face doesn’t look as it could.
I tackled the hair with a hair transplant last year and recently had the adams apple removed, SRS is due within the next 6 months (fingers crossed) and day to day I’m treated as female, so what's my problem??
Well the thing is as a guy I didn’t care, from the very start I hated being male it was such an aversion that it affected everything in my life added to that because I wasn’t male of mind I just couldn’t bond with other boys/men (mostly). This meant that life had no worth to me, I really wasn’t bothered about my future as there was nothing to look forward to, my appearance could go to bits I hated it anyway so there was no point in looking after myself. I was emotionally shutdown until transition.
So I started with Hormones you know the stuff that helps get rid of all the Testosterone that poisons your body and mind and also Estrogen that unlocks your emotions so you can finally allow your real personality to shine. Oh as a side note it can help feminise your body which is a great bonus (note to all those who think it’s a magic pill for boobs and arse, grow up!).
This made a huge difference in my life, for the first time ever I felt mentally balanced and I started feeling happier and optimistic about life.
To speed things along several years later and now fulltime I’m dealing with a whole new set of issues and this isn’t often talked about. The GD is pretty much gone, I don’t spend anytime worrying about my gender, female clothes are just clothes and I feel right now, I fit and everything is as it should be.
I know I’m female because it just works and being male didn’t work, that’s as scientific as I can get on that.
However…… I now care, I really care. The years of loss of being female hurt, the fact I can never be a mother hurts, my appearance hurts. Today I was washing my hair and my hair is still too thin on top and I probably need another hair transplant, from the side I look ugly with male pattern baldness hairline and I just burst into tears, I can’t afford with everything else to fix this. The money to transition is endless and I feel desperate that time is running out.
I know it sounds selfish but I am 40 next year and I just want a little more time to appreciate being a woman before I’m too old I know it’s all superficial but I have spent so many years dealing with my inner feelings because my outside doesn’t match the inside and now I have a chance to correct the outside I don’t have the means to achieve it. It’s incredibly frustrating.
I feel reborn, my life is exciting and full of promise and it’s like i’m twenty again with another chance to do things the right way, except I’m not twenty and I feel the bitterness of the last twenty years wasted in denial, self-hatred and fear. Mostly it doesn’t bother me and I put on a smile and go out into the world but today I feel it, today it hurts again.
I can’t imagine how much worse this is for those who can’t pass, who constantly get misgendered and maybe never feel what it’s like to be truly accepted as female in a group, those who get abandoned by loved ones or lose their job, those who can’t access any finances to make crucial changes or those in religious or other social situations where the very idea is life threatening.
Transition is hard, really hard even for those of us that get the easy ride.
But I would still do it, it’s still the right choice for me despite these bad days. Probably due to the hormones and feelings I feel worse sometimes but I also feel happier on other days, yes it can be an emotional rollercoaster but its way better than the meaningless automaton I was before.
It’s so hard sometimes being a Trans-woman and transitioning but I would never go back, I only have to think of life before trying to live as a man and I know deep down this is still the right road for me but I certainly haven’t driven off into the sunset, there are still many obstacles and road blocks ahead and sometimes I will have bad days but I’m so much stronger now.
‘Don’t transition unless you have to’ well I had to and it was a good thing however it doesn’t fix all problems but the one it did fix makes all this craziness worthwhile.
Maybe some can relate maybe not, it’s going to be a long post so I don’t blame anyone that gets bored.
The Early years:
First off I have always known from the start.
The problem is/was I didn’t know that I knew if you get my meaning. My definition of knowing is this, I was screwed up nothing was as it should have been and everything always felt wrong. I couldn’t find friends I hated how I looked and I just didn’t fit in at school or anywhere this led to me feeling isolated and I mentally retreated into my own world. I would spend the majority of my time doing anything that averted me from facing the misery that was life, monster books, ghost stories whatever it was I well and truly disappeared into that Narnian closet.
Added to this I knew I wanted to be a girl and having only brothers I had no idea where this idea came from but I crushed it as being a weirdo and it must be kept secret.
At a very early age I learnt to hide my feelings.
Time passed school got harder and harder and I didn’t have a social life, puberty was pure misery but I didn’t click why. I can only say that I truly suffered it crippled my confidence and destroyed any education and career possibilities. So when I say ‘I knew’ it wasn’t some definitive realisation I was a female stuck in a man’s world it was just that I couldn’t function as a normal human being and I had this underlining need to be a girl it wasn’t until much later that I connected the two as being the same issue.
Adult Life:
I was fortunate to meet a wonderful woman whom I married and was very much in love with, I told her early on about me as I just couldn’t hide something so integral to my personality. She taught me so much and helped give me some self-esteem. I was very happy with her but still dreadfully sad within myself, time moved on and I continued to contain my emotions and use hobbies and work to hide my inner feelings.
I managed to maintain this self-denial for quite some time until finally I just had enough, I reached an all time low and I either had to do something or say goodbye to this bleak life.
I had tried Crossdressing off and on over the years and mostly it left me feeling worse, angry and despondent. I guess the crossdressing was a way to get in contact and see in the mirror the person inside but the subterfuge and fakery made me want to rage quit everytime. Just wearing a dress had zero appeal I was looking for the physicality not the clothes but I couldn’t process that idea at the time.
I certainly never thought it was fun (more like stressful) and anyone calling it a gift I could have hit if in front of me. Being a Crossdresser made me even more miserable, of course I now know that’s because I never was a Crossdresser.
Transition:
It’s fair to say transition has gone well for me on the outside. Only lost a few friends, family all supporting me and work was a dream, I’m lucky to live in Britain where things are definitely more liberal. I seem to pass and it’s generally been a non issue.
So I could say a successful transition and what’s all the fuss about which is why I want to add the next part.
Transition the stuff no one sees:
I’m tall with large feet and typical male shoulders (no one seems to notice these details), I have an adams apple and my hair mostly fell out. My voice isn’t the best and after several years of stress my face doesn’t look as it could.
I tackled the hair with a hair transplant last year and recently had the adams apple removed, SRS is due within the next 6 months (fingers crossed) and day to day I’m treated as female, so what's my problem??
Well the thing is as a guy I didn’t care, from the very start I hated being male it was such an aversion that it affected everything in my life added to that because I wasn’t male of mind I just couldn’t bond with other boys/men (mostly). This meant that life had no worth to me, I really wasn’t bothered about my future as there was nothing to look forward to, my appearance could go to bits I hated it anyway so there was no point in looking after myself. I was emotionally shutdown until transition.
So I started with Hormones you know the stuff that helps get rid of all the Testosterone that poisons your body and mind and also Estrogen that unlocks your emotions so you can finally allow your real personality to shine. Oh as a side note it can help feminise your body which is a great bonus (note to all those who think it’s a magic pill for boobs and arse, grow up!).
This made a huge difference in my life, for the first time ever I felt mentally balanced and I started feeling happier and optimistic about life.
To speed things along several years later and now fulltime I’m dealing with a whole new set of issues and this isn’t often talked about. The GD is pretty much gone, I don’t spend anytime worrying about my gender, female clothes are just clothes and I feel right now, I fit and everything is as it should be.
I know I’m female because it just works and being male didn’t work, that’s as scientific as I can get on that.
However…… I now care, I really care. The years of loss of being female hurt, the fact I can never be a mother hurts, my appearance hurts. Today I was washing my hair and my hair is still too thin on top and I probably need another hair transplant, from the side I look ugly with male pattern baldness hairline and I just burst into tears, I can’t afford with everything else to fix this. The money to transition is endless and I feel desperate that time is running out.
I know it sounds selfish but I am 40 next year and I just want a little more time to appreciate being a woman before I’m too old I know it’s all superficial but I have spent so many years dealing with my inner feelings because my outside doesn’t match the inside and now I have a chance to correct the outside I don’t have the means to achieve it. It’s incredibly frustrating.
I feel reborn, my life is exciting and full of promise and it’s like i’m twenty again with another chance to do things the right way, except I’m not twenty and I feel the bitterness of the last twenty years wasted in denial, self-hatred and fear. Mostly it doesn’t bother me and I put on a smile and go out into the world but today I feel it, today it hurts again.
I can’t imagine how much worse this is for those who can’t pass, who constantly get misgendered and maybe never feel what it’s like to be truly accepted as female in a group, those who get abandoned by loved ones or lose their job, those who can’t access any finances to make crucial changes or those in religious or other social situations where the very idea is life threatening.
Transition is hard, really hard even for those of us that get the easy ride.
But I would still do it, it’s still the right choice for me despite these bad days. Probably due to the hormones and feelings I feel worse sometimes but I also feel happier on other days, yes it can be an emotional rollercoaster but its way better than the meaningless automaton I was before.
It’s so hard sometimes being a Trans-woman and transitioning but I would never go back, I only have to think of life before trying to live as a man and I know deep down this is still the right road for me but I certainly haven’t driven off into the sunset, there are still many obstacles and road blocks ahead and sometimes I will have bad days but I’m so much stronger now.
‘Don’t transition unless you have to’ well I had to and it was a good thing however it doesn’t fix all problems but the one it did fix makes all this craziness worthwhile.