Meeting a fellow cross dresser, again!

[Jenniferathome]

I have read on this forum quite often that someone wants to meet a fellow cross dresser but finds it difficult to do so. I find this hard to understand as we are everywhere! So here's a primer on how to do it:

1) Read this forum and follow those with whom you think you identify.
2) Send and email to such a someone if you are traveling or they are nearby.

Done.

This is not about hooking up. It's about meeting someone with whom you have at least one thing in common and meeting to see if there is more you might share. There is no guarantee but socializing is far more enjoyable than sitting at home. I've met several good folks on this forum. We are not all the same, but it's always fun to meet someone and find out.

So, to illustrate, I happen to be traveling to SoCal next week and someone I follow on this forum, Sara Jessica, happens to live in the area where I will be so I sent a note asking if she'd like to meet. Bada bing, we're meeting next week. We'll have a bite to eat, maybe do a little shopping and just chat. Pretty low key really. Anyone can do this.

UPDATE ON POST 36

what I was wearing on open Dropbox link (sleeveless on the way out, sweater coming back to hotel:
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/9g994az4zxmcf4e/AACznFuKoxJYn9jsKldl8dD9a?dl=0

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Jennifer,

Yeah, I'm one of those people who seems to have a hard time with this. Yet another area where I need to challenge myself, even if only in a small way.Thanks for the encouragement.

[ClosetED]

An alternate view on this:
Some of us do not have supportive SOs, so meeting with a stranger is very worrisome to a non-supportive spouse. Fears run high when there is no communication about the CDing aspects, per request of the SO. So meeting with someone may be viewed as a possible love affair (with a woman from appearances or 'he really is gay' if a man). The non-supportive SO may be fearful of the CDer being outed by this person and therefore their comfort is at risk. DADT relationships are not good, but it is what many SOs ask for.
I am considering leaving the closet to meet others at TCNE, but my wife may be fearful of that as well. But she does not want to know what I do despite my willingness to discuss all with her.
Ellen

[Meghan4now]

Ahhh, but you're fearless Jenn!

For me, it's all about timing. I have a busy life, and as much as I have invested into CCDing, it comes in about 5th or 6th place, up from about 15th. And for some of us, the meeting part is more important than the dressing part, for others, it is not.

Ellen, very well stated! That is also partially true for me. My wife is not big on support. If I am going to a function, that's one thing. Meeting one on one is another.

[Jenniferathome]

Not fearless Meghan, just don't care;-)

And I am with you. Cross dressing is a small part of my life. Family, friends, work, all comes before, but when the opportunity arises to be out with someone with whom I may get along, I go. And I can see why some wives might wonder about meeting another cross dresser. It can harken back to the "is he rally gay?" question but is this any different than meeting a remote acquantaince ( a friend of a friend) to play golf or tennis? You may become fast friends and you may not. But you go to play tennis anyway because it's more fun than hitting against a wall.

[Meghan4now]

Jenn,

It is always better to be fearless than careless!!!

[JocelynJames]

ClosetEd ,
I too was considering meeting up at tcne- someone from here said they were going this past Tuesday, however it was not in the cards. A lot of prep goes into Jocelyn and I guess it's more running around than I'm up for after a 10 hour work day. I'm probably amongst the lazy CDs

[Teresa]

Jen,
It took me two years to accept the invite, I'm so glad I did, just getting out the door and meeting others is a great experience, talking and having a laugh , may be a meal with others who share similar feelings, really does help get CDing in perspective, to me it feels so natural , not an act .

[Nikki A.]

You don't always have to dress up to meet a fellow CD. I'm friends with a member here, sometimes we meet at CD events, but there are time we meet at her/his place for coffee and donuts and just chat. No dressing, just friendship and a little chatting.

[Heidi Stevens]

Meeting fellow members is one of the best things you can do when traveling away from home. I have met several ladies from this site, on their terms, and had wonderful times getting to know them. Some were dressed, some were not. We don't always have our kit with us, but don't let that stop you from dropping a note to someone local where you are going.

I was in Boise last August and dropped a note to Jennifer to see if we could meet. Unfortunately, she was in NoCal doing her bike thing while I was in town. But we tried, and that's what counts.

I will be on an European cruise with my wife next month. Since we are DADT, Heidi will not have her wardrobe with her. But I have still made arraignments to meet with another member in Amsterdam when the ship is there. Due to their schedule, they too will be drab. To others it will look like two guys out for a beer or two. But the conversation will not be about football! All I did was ask them if they wanted to meet and told them the time. No one has ever turned me down if their schedule can fit me in.

Just email or PM and ask if you want to do something. You'll learn a lot about them and about yourself!

You can do the same with me. I live in Litle Rock, where major cross country routes I-30 and I-40 meet. If you are passing thru on a road trip, let me know and we can go have a beer or a meal. No matter how we are dressed at the time!

[Teresa]

Heidi,
I hope you enjoy your cruise, are you doing the Baltic cruise up to St. Petersburg ? I hadn't thought about connecting with other members in that way, usually the schedule is too tight. I hope it works out OK.

Also the comment about meeting in drab works well, it's great to show someone round your neck of the woods , I met up only last week week and had a great time , taking in a meal in a local pub and seeing some of the local sights.

[Jenniferathome]

You don't always have to dress up to meet a fellow CD. ....

This is very true! I have met another member here who could not dress so he was in boy mode and I was in girl mode. Lot's of combinations are possible!

[Tracii G]

Thats the way I have met a few from here.
Send a PM ask a few questions work out a plan that works for each person and go with it.
Very simple process really.
How you dress is up to you, being in girl mode is not a requirement.

[TrishaLake]

I started doing more of that locally, but I hadn't done so on the road...it sounds like a great idea.

[Helen_Highwater]

I've been fortunate to meet up on a previous occasion with others from this site and all turned out well. However please remember to follow the rules for your own safety. Meet somewhere public is the first and foremost rule. There's a sticky;
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?93981-Guidelines-For-Meeting-Others

These are golden rules. Obey them. Meeting others is just a great validating experience and I would love to meet up with others in the future. But I want them and me to feel and be safe. Having said that don't be put off from trying. Meeting others, making that connection is one of the best things we can do.

[steftoday]

I was in SF last winter, and Allie agreed to meet me, even though I was unable to let Stef out. We went to a wine bar, had dinner at a local restaurant, and chatted about the ladies here, about clothes, etc. I had a really good time, and she didn't care that I was in boy mode.

Of course, meeting all the ladies at keystone was awesome as well. Lisa Smith and I caravaned back home, both of us in boy mode...

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've met girls from here in the Denver area (both in girl mode) and the Philadelphia area (both in boy mode). I've met girls not from here in Houston and not from here at my college reunion.

I've met many girls from here at Keystone.

I'm unlucky in that my wife tolerates, but doesn't accept. But I'm lucky in that there are a large group of local girls (including several from here) that meet every couple of months or so.

Here's a pic of the last time I was out with the DC girls (https://www.meetup.com/DC-TransLadies-Community/photos/27074347/#451539033). There were over 60 girls there.

As an aside, I got stopped at a sobriety checkpoint going home at 1AM. Fortunately, I had changed back into boy mode before leaving the event. Even more fortunately, I followed my standard rule, "no drinking while dressing", so after a short chat with the officer, I was on my way. I was kind of tempted to assert my fifth amendment right against self incrimination when asked if I had been drinking, but discretion was the better part of valor. I think I was in my right to do so, but I decided no harm, no foul, and answered no truthfully. No need to antagonize the police.

[Sara Jessica]

A friend of mine has said, and I paraphrase here... Just because people have the trans in common doesn't mean a lasting friendship is automatic.

This, I have found through experience, is entirely true.

Fortunately, I have been lucky in that I tend to gravitate towards, and perhaps attract (not in that way, get your minds back on dry land) those who are similar to me. Family, career, and even this thing of ours.

Going out & about alone gets old, really old. I've been there/done that. I had no idea how much fulfillment this side of me could experience by way of the simple act of being social. I am approaching my tenth year of a social renaissance before which I was pretty much a solo being. I would trade ten outings alone for a single one with a dear friend. This is why when Jennifer reached out to me, it was pretty much a no-brainer. I know her from these pages, just as I have known others who I have come to call dear friends. This is a starting point that anyone can choose to experience but sadly, most won't.


These are golden rules. Obey them. Meeting others is just a great validating experience and I would love to meet up with others in the future. But I want them and me to feel and be safe. Having said that don't be put off from trying. Meeting others, making that connection is one of the best things we can do.

Rules? I haven't read those. I thought the rules were stuff like "no hosiery with sandals" or "don't wear white after Labor Day.".

I guess I've been lucky. But then again, I also come with references so all is good. There is a lot of vetting to be had in these pages by virtue of our writings. I have met many here. I have been to some of their homes. A couple have been to mine. I have slept in the same hotel rooms. Yes, our SO's sometimes have to get their heads around this whole thing but how is making friends an automatic gateway to something more sinister? I think it has more to do with the strength of the underlying relationship, the level of trust coupled with how much communication is present with respect to whatever flavour of trans we might be.

No one said this is easy but it certainly isn't impossible.

Now I need to find something white to wear, Labor Day will be upon us in no time!!! I am certainly looking forward to next week, Jennifer!

[JeanetteX]

I will be on an European cruise with my wife next month. Since we are DADT, Heidi will not have her wardrobe with her. But I have still made arraignments to meet with another member in Amsterdam when the ship is there. Due to their schedule, they too will be drab. To others it will look like two guys out for a beer or two. But the conversation will not be about football!
No football or soccer Heidi? That's disappointing. I haven't a clue what else we could be talking about LOL!!!!

[Jenniferathome]

... There is a lot of vetting to be had in these pages by virtue of our writings. ...

Indeed! This is one of the powerful advantages of being on this forum. While everyone is anonymous, our likes and dislikes quickly become obvious. The potential of a friendship is there. Will it become one? That is why you meet.

[Teresa]

Sara,
That whole paragraph is very true, it is a hurdle we have to get over as far as our partners are concerned.

Only last week I met up with Carole in drab , I showed her round some of my local sites and had a pub meal, I said jokingly that we hadn't eloped together yet so obviously we weren't interested in each other in that way ! We do form a close relationship simply because we understand and share our CDing needs.

[phili]

I'm interested in exploring online friendship with anyone who sees that potential, and also daytime lunch, or museum etc with anyone who wants to feel safe dressed.

I'm married and not dating- just want to make the world safe for crossdressers!

If you live near SF or are traveling here, send me a note!

[susie evans]

Jennifer , Sara I agree with you both I have had dinner and some very good conversation with a few girls from this site and also on femulate when I travel or they are out west we always get together for some quality social time movies a play dinner shopping a few of the girls now bring there wife's to join in on the fun , we talk about a lot of different things and a lot of time cross dressing is not even mentioned , as my wife has said for a long time it is just part of who you are , let's enjoy life as it is way to short to worry about some thing that is not going to change

Susie

[Georgia Rose]

I've had a yearning to meet other CDers but am strictly a closet CD. Whilst my wife is well aware and quite supportive I've no desire to make my CDing public for a number of reasons. It is encouraging to hear that others have successfully met up in male mode. If I was to make the effort I think I would be looking for someone in a similar position to me rather than some one who is quite out there in public. Maybe I'm just a scaredy-cat.

[SarahleeNH]

I've always wished I could sit down with someone with whom I could talk freely about this. It is helpful to hear from those who have had such positive experiences!

[Krisi]

An alternate view on this:
Some of us do not have supportive SOs, so meeting with a stranger is very worrisome to a non-supportive spouse. Fears run high when there is no communication about the CDing aspects, per request of the SO. So meeting with someone may be viewed as a possible love affair (with a woman from appearances or 'he really is gay' if a man). The non-supportive SO may be fearful of the CDer being outed by this person and therefore their comfort is at risk. DADT relationships are not good, but it is what many SOs ask for ..............
Ellen

I think you make a very good point here, especially about the suspected "affair". We all have our individual circumstances but in my case, I think my wife would wonder if I told her I was going somewhere to meet someone I met on a crossdressing forum.

[Sara Jessica]

I don't get it. Why is it the first conclusion to be drawn when meeting someone from a site such as this somehow all about "an affair"???

I'm guessing it has to do with whether or not one has an ability to separate out any sexual aspect of their feminine presentation and how this is conveyed to your SO. Trust is also a factor.

It's like, "hey honey, I'm meeting up with the guys from the deerhunters.com message board site". She ain't gonna be thinking hook-up on that one. Why does it have to be so different here???

[Jenniferathome]

Let's not forget that we're straight! Hooking up is just an impossibility. It's all about trust and how open your communication actually is.

[Meghan4now]

Sara,

Because, right or wrong, for most of the population, there is an association between crossdressing and sex. Even for the enlightened. Even for many of us. Plus, even though you may not have this association, your spouse doesn't know this person, and could have the worry that they might just seduce you!

I am not saying it is rational, just that it certainly can exist. Ideally jealousy shouldn't exist, but it does.

[Krisi]

I don't get it. Why is it the first conclusion to be drawn when meeting someone from a site such as this somehow all about "an affair"???


Because many people think crossdressers are gay. Didn't your wife ask you if you were gay when she found out about your crossdressing? Did she believe you 100% or could there still be some doubt?

Crossdressing and deer hunting are very different hobbies.

[Brianna Robyn]

The various forums are great and an awesome way to communicate with people all over the world. I recently attend a large TG/CD event and met many new girls. People I just met for the first time seemed like my best friends after a couple of hours. We bonded over having the same concerns and happy moments.

[Sara Jessica]

Crossdressing and deer hunting are very different hobbies.

Mea culpa for somehow implying "hobby". That may be an accurate description for some. For others, not so much.

But regardless, it might be that a common element for those who have a difficult time getting by a spousal blockade to go out and spend time with friends is defining this (activity/hobby/state of being) from a sexual point of view.

[Ellie Summer]

I actually wish I could do more of this. It would be a great way to talk to somene who actually knows more or less exactly how you feel. That solidarity would take so much edge off. There's probably nobody in my life that I could admit this to, and still go out and have a good time with them. I think they would just feel too weird about it. Hope you two have a blast!

[Joyce Swindell]

What is TCNE and DADT? Acronyms can be so frustrating for us "sometimers" lol. I don't want to seem stupid but...I'm guessing it's a CD function somewhere???

[Sara Jessica]

DADT, Don't Ask/Don't Tell. This is a term which arose out of the old US military policy when dealing with members who were gay. It happens to fit many situations here where our SO's know but prefer not to actively discuss.

As for TCNE, put it into context. It sounds like a support group of some sort.

[Jenniferathome]

Well, while the airplane gods seemed to be against me this morning, Sara and I met without a hitch. Our pleasant time together over dinner was spent like most humans, talking, eating, drinking. Finding common ground. We were treated with respect and addressed appropriately all night. My real take away is that people astound me with the aplomb with which they interact with a dude, literally, in a dress.

Nice meeting you Sara and thanks for the Squeeze rarities!

[Sara Jessica]

Great to meet you too Jennifer.

The venue was P.F. Chang's, the location where I have converged repeatedly over the years with friends old & new. We were treated with absolute class and I detected zero reaction from the Muggles.

And let the record reflect that Jennifer is overly critical of herself from the "dude in a dress" angle. She is stunning and while talking to her over the course of a 2-3 hour dinner, I found that I had to remind myself on a couple occasions that I was not sitting across from a beautiful woman. Not that I had an inherent need for that reminder, it was just that she is so effortless and natural that it is easy to forget.

Me on the other hand, my self-confidence is not at the highest point in that I have shortened my natural hair even more. It wasn't such an issue when I did this two months ago but my regular stylist was on vacation when I went for a badly needed cut on Friday and the replacement pretty much did a butcher job. It was what we call a bad hair day. Couple that with my dress choice. It was an amazing dress and I owned it but the style (sleeveless) and length (rather short) made me feel precarious in the real world. Yet this wasn't from a TG standpoint. Instead, it was from a woman point of view. Women have hair issues all the time. Women choose outfits that may not be their best option in hindsight. It is what it is.

Fortunately, those feelings were fleeting, few & far between given the wonderful company I had. We were just too Cool for Cats!!! :)


ps to Jennifer, it is in fact pronounced AR-GEE-BAR-GEE, Jools told me himself this morning!!! :)

[Meghan4now]

As long as you weren't tempted by the fruit of another!

(Hey, it's just a song reference, get your mind out of the gutter! Geez!)

[Sara Jessica]

Well played Meghan!!!