That old familiar pain, sorrow, admiring.

[Alice Torn]

Well, I got a chance to go to the Madison Wis VA hospital for an appointment. After , i decided to drive to my favorite lake, in drab, but panties on under my trunks. It was packed with mom's and their kids. I was the only old loner guy there, so stayed away from the beach for a few hours. Finally went swimming, then, went to a store, came back in the evening, to fish a little. As i waded outside of the swimming area, and out to hip deep water, to fish, I noticed a beautiful young lady, in a long turquoise sun dress, with some other ladies in pants and tops, with cameras. She was modeling on the beach, having photos taken of her, in many poses. I was watching it all, while fishing. I caught a nice 14 inch largemouth, but released it. My heaart was almost breaking, seeing such beauty. The young model waded into the lake, and pulled her dress up a little above the knees. About 20 minutes. I was privileged to see such a girl in such a beautiful dress! Well today, at a small town gas station convenience store, I notice another pretty lady in another dress, walking in ahead of me. Then, she was in line just ahead of me, and i notice her painted toenails, and heeled sandals. She did not look happy, though. I said hello, and she turned and left. I said to the cashier guy, nice to see a dress! Tonight, i went in drab, in the hot humid weather to a small town band concert in the park, and found a seat near the front. Great view of the band. I notice a stunning young lady, on the right side, right in front of us all playing a French horn, in a tight black pencil skirt, tight short sleeved white blouse, hosed legs, and at least five inch black high heels! It was a real legs show! Not in a lustful way, but certainly in a WOW! way. And after the concert, I saw her hand in hand with her man. It hurt. When i see such beauty, sometimes, i feel sad, a little envious Sad, that I am a lonely man. Sad, that I will never be that real, in my dressing. A bit of envy, as they do not even have to try hard, as i do, and being a low income, aging bachelor means i will never have a lovely woman, and i realize looks are not everything at all. Inner beauty may be the most important beauty, as they will all age, and lose their looks eventually. I feel sad, pain sometimes, when i see they are showered with love and attention, that old bachelors will never have, and even if i do get attention when i am dolled up, some of it will be negative attention, OMG, finger pointing, judged a deviant, etc. There was a song sometime in 1981, that mentioned, "that old familiar pain." I am glad i can ride a bicycle, drive, have cats, internet, some food, water, still have an apartment. But to have someome to love,romantically, ai have not know for 29 years, and i am still a virgin.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

From 1974...

You are so beautiful
To me
You are so beautiful
To me
Can't you see

You're everything I hope for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me

You are so beautiful
To me
Can't you see
You're everything I hope for
You're every, everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

Hugs, Nikki

[Diversity]

Hi Alice,
I am sorry to hear of your feelings about yourself and am writing with a caring and most positive intention. There is an old saying "What you think about, you bring about".
Your story about the ladies was very positive about them. Try putting those thoughts into play about yourself and you may find that things aren't so bad as you are currently thinking. There are many others in life so much worse off, with disabilities, and injuries sustained from accidents, fires, violence, etc. Counting your blessings may be of help to you.
As per your message "...being a low income, aging bachelor means I will never have a lovely woman..." may mean that you are looking in the wrong places. I find that in life, the most attractive things about people is not their money nor their age, but rather their attitudes, smiles, sense of humor, and overall personalities.
I wish you well and hope you find the inner beauty that you surely have.
Di

[Alice Torn]

Diversity, I know where you are coming from. I just buried my abusive father, dealing with toxic sister and brother, hoping if i receive any inheritance, to get the heck away from my extremely psycho family. I took care of my dad six yrs, after having to quit my job 2000 miles away. I was the attendant for a q4 quadriplegic for a yer, gave him rides for six yrs. My sister is a 12 yr old in a 68 yr old body, hates men, and is the executor of my dad's will, and assets! I lived in caretaker with an old heavy woman with an amputated arm two years. I was a gravedigger for three years, dug with hand shovels and picks, buried dozens of folks. A young lady i was just getting closer to, killed herself in 1982, and another lady friend died of cancer in 2009. I understand other people have suffered terribly, and that is one reason i always felt guilty, because i was in good physical condition. My battle and struggle is with brain problem, emotional agony that runs in the family. My family was, and still is a mental war zone, i srr guys with no legs, that aree better emotionally and mentally than i am, and terribly obese people happier , too. Some people have hac terrible physical damage. Some have invisible to others, emotionally torture issues. Thats why i go to 12 step meetings, and hear the agony of other people's struggles. I was only voicing what others have sometimes voiced about emotions, loner men sometimes feel, when a rare very beautifully dressed GG enters their world for a short interlude, then is gone. I realize, that soon, thoughts go back to being a nice man, and hopes to dress up pretty occasionally. Life is short, and we all will be dust soon.

[Lorileah]

To me jealousy and envy are wasted emotions. They only hurt you. While I understand your "admiring" these women, you are only making yourself more unhappy. We all want love. But sometimes you have to find it yourself. I fear your body language in the above situations may be sending out a bad vibe . You specifically mention the woman at the gas store and how she turned away...and then you ask the clerk if he saw the dress? Sorta scary to me. But we do get what you are saying. Loving yourself is a first step. Honestly people see that and then they become more friendly. trite but always look on the bright side.

[Lana Mae]

Alice, Since i first joined here and read your posts about yourself and your family and committing yourself to take care of your father, etc. I have felt that you are very beautiful inside!!! I do not know but maybe you need to get out more maybe with another crossdresser close to where you live!! If the two of you could share thought and ideas, it may help. I do not know I just feel so bad for you and want to see you happy as I think you really deserve it!!! Hugs and Kisses Love you Lana Mae

[Curiouser&Curiouser]

Alice, thank you for sharing. I know many of us have felt some of the emotions you have felt, longing and aloneness, and, if nothing else, you have sisters here that can relate.

I hope that someday those same scenes of beauty start to bring you joy, perhaps when you find someone to share them with.

:huggles

[Alice Torn]

Lorileah, I agree. Jealousy and envy are unhealthy emotions. Fortunately, i let them go a lot sooner than i used to, and ask Higher Power, to rid them. It is transitory. The emotions go away, and i have had enough friends die off, and know all beauty is transitory too, as we all go the way of all the earth all too soon. Beauty is not just in lovely GG's it is in men, animals, sunsets, sunrises, trees, birds, etc. Loneliness can be a bummer, though. It is so, that so many singles, just cannot fine anyone, too, as life is short.

[Kate Simmons]

Well Alice, as you know I'm 69 and I don't concern myself with it too much that I am not a young good looking woman. I just go for it en femme and have fun with it. Otherwise too much time is wasted pining over something I can't control. Just be yourself my friend and enjoy. :battingeyelashes::)

[Alice Torn]

Maybe i should not have made this thread. I was just sharing what i felt at the time. I tend to share way, way too much on here. The feelings mainly were about my isolation as a lifetime virgin bachelor, never having had the chance to date much, and seeing lovely ladies all over, and couples all over, and always being the older loner man,or CD. Well, none of my sibling has a SO, either. My 68 yo sister, dresses stylish, but never wanted a boyfriend or husband or kids. She was taught like i was, that sex is sinful, and virginity is angelic. It could be a family curse. And none of my friends has a SO. Life is not fair, and i accept that. I get over the feelings after a bit of soul searching! And the Dan Fogelberg song, "Another Old Lang Syne". Lyrics, "And felt that old familiar pain."

[Curiouser&Curiouser]

I'll say it again, Alice, I'm glad you did.

This is why I find myself more drawn to spending time with women- they share their feelings. And feelings can bring real connectivity through authenticity. Your pain, while I certainly can't understand it fully, resonates with a deep and powerful emotion for me, and I feel I know you a little better for it.

Being honest is never a mistake, as long as it isn't done with the intent to harm. Keep being your beautiful self, and keep sharing the poetry of your soul.

Much love,

Sandra

[lingerieLiz]

Alice the other night a cousin called and talked about the problems in her life. At the time I was feeling down myself. At the end of the call she thanked me for listening and it had made her feel better. It also made me feel better that by just listening I had helped someone else.

We all need sounding boards and often this site provides such a place. You should never feel that you can't express your feeling here.

[Alice Torn]

Thanks Lingerie Liz.and C AND C . Back in the 1990's, i had a suicidal friend, and i would listen to him on the phone for hours venting his pain, grief and anger. He said i kept him from ending it all. I know that the suicide rate for men is much higher than for women, and it is high for TS amd CD, too. I am sorry i tend to address gloomy things at times. I am not always gloomy. Look at some of my photos on Flicker or on here. I was just sharing some temporary feelings that i felt, seeing some beautifully dressed young GGs, as an old bachelor. Sorry if i offended anyone.

[Janine cd]

Alice, Keep telling yourself that you are a beautiful person no matter how lonely or sad you may feel. I wish that I could meet you sometime and spend sometime sharing our common experiences. Maybe fate will intervene someday, but until then, I will keep you in my prayers.
Love, Janine.

[Tina_gm]

Alice this is the place to vent those feelings. It isn't easy having any kind of gender variance. I have moments where I get really frustrated with it all. I have those envious feelings. Yes, they are ultimately not good positive emotions to have, but they do crop up from time to time, it is human nature. The best way to help get these emotions out and rid of is by venting them. Otherwise they stay all bottled up and become this slow pressure cooker type situation. Eventually if they are not dealt with they explode and then there is often collateral damage from when they pop. For you, or anyone on here, I would think this is the place to vent. And for those reading, to be able to let them know their feeling are valid, but yet gently lead them to a more peaceful place emotionally too.

[Alice Torn]

GM, We do need places to vent. Sadly, for many loners, here is no place, unless a friend, 12 step group, or thereapist. i can only get int o my VA therapist every two months or so, not enough. I almost get kicked out of stores sometimes, , and a thrift store, where i am though tof as weird, even though i am a steady customer. Sometimes, my old bachelor sorrow comes out, in a town where alomost all are married and straight as arrows.