The Great Cosmic Joke

[Marcelle]

Have you ever felt like the world is some great cosmic joke and you are the punchline . . . so a tranny, a gorilla and a giraffe walk into a bar and the bartender says . . .

Before I begin this post I just want to take a moment to apologize to Jentay1367 who posted a response to another post which I got all tangential crazy about. I was having a particularly hard week and though no excuse for poor behavior I do apologize. Humans, we are a funny lot when it comes to emotional release. I would also like to caveat this post by saying I am not looking for a pity party as I know the support is there because you have probably all lived this to varying degrees in your own life. This is just a vent on my part and sometimes a good vent is a nice cathartic release for what ails you.

Melissa (aka BadTranny) posted something in reply to my tangential crazy noted above which resonated . . . holding one’s head up high when you make the decision to transition. Although I did get chuckle over the “Dude from Des Moines” comment . . . it would make a good sitcom title. Des Moines is that anywhere near Toronto eh? :) So here goes:

When I decided to transition it was after two years of struggling through the gambit of “I am just a guy who likes to dress up but all dude” to “I am two genders sharing the same body”. This quelled the demons for some time after all it was about the pretty clothes and great shoes, right? NOT! I was happy for short periods but the anger and bitterness crept back in after the initial high because it had nothing to do with the clothes and everything to do about being the person I was always meant to be. My therapist recommended HRT as a way to calm things but I was still deep in denial and this was a step too far. It was like guy me was a drowning person clinging desperately to anything that floats to stay alive. He would go under and for a brief moment let go into the ether of non-existence but then claw his way back up to the surface. This was my denial and after 51 years of denying it was hard to let go. But then I did, he sank below the surface and with one last struggle took his final breath and then . . . there was . . . silence.

That is when I was reborn and the only voice I heard was mine for the first time . . . you are a woman. Now don’t get me wrong I didn’t see angels or unicorns, there was no awe inspiring symphony, just a single point of clarity which I finally accepted as the truth which lead me to come out full time as a woman. For the first time in well “my life” the chaos, anger and depression was gone because I accepted who I was and was going to live that for whatever mayfly existence I have left on this planet. When I discussed this with my therapist she brought up HRT again but for me the demons had gone, there was no chaos to quell, my mind was clear. She then asked about the feminizing effects of HRT and was I thinking along those lines. To be honest, I have no issues with my body. For me (note I said me) my genetics and body chemistry do not define my gender . . . for me it is internalized with the external being my cross to bear the same way any woman has to deal with the genetic hand dealt her. Am I pretty? Not even remotely? Will I ever have passing privilege? No, people will always see a guy when then look at me. However, it doesn’t matter (well, I do have bad days but then again any woman does) . . . what matters most to me is that I am who I need to be and living that on my terms is empowering and refreshing.

So the cosmic joke thingy . . . Well, my dysphoria is not absent. Mine is “hair” . . . body, facial and good old rock and roll hair. Genetically I got cheated . . . my uncles (on my mother’s side) all have rock and roll hair one being 83 with a full head of thick silver locks. However, they also tend to be quite hirsute (think Sasquatch sweater hair) with permanent 5 o’clock shadow beards. My dad was basically void of hair, couldn’t grow a beard to save his life but with a very pronounced widow’s peak hairline and thin curly hair. Guess where I landed genetically . . . thin curly hair, permanent hair suit and a beard that won’t fracking die. Again, not looking for a pity party but it is like the universe saying . . . “Marcelle, I get that you are a woman and good on you for being true to yourself but let’s throw this in the mix and see how you deal with it ... How do you like those apples?.” So I have been trying to grow out my own hair (8 months now) it is long, thin and curly but the hairline . . . well for those of you old enough to remember . . . think Edie Munster. So after various consults with hair dressers, last week I had to admit defeat and realize I will never rock my own hair and for my dysphoria . . . it was heart wrenching. This was followed by a meeting with a couple of local TS gals (not from this forum BTW) who spent the entire lunch accusing me of being a poser because I can’t commit to HRT so I will never know what it is like to be a woman because emotionally I will always be a guy. I have to admit . . . that went through me like a knife. Were they right? Am I fooling myself? Is this some great cosmic joke with me as the punchline? Arg . . . it makes my head swim sometimes. I know I am a woman, I am proud of my body (okay not so happy about the hair) but am I missing the boat? Am I a poser "want to be" who can’t commit? Hence my tangential crazy on the other post.

I feel a bit more calm today as these thoughts tend to dissipate with either a good run (which I just finished) or wine (which was last night). So this is me . . . I don’t feel a need to alter who I am as I am not defined by what the world sees. Sometimes I go to town in shorts, a t-shirt, hair pulled back in pony tail, no make-up with a permanent 5 o’clock goatee shadow. People know I am Trans because they have seen me in full make-up and wig but to be honest, I only do that because it makes it easier to interact in the world. The true me (no make-up) is still a woman . . . I’ll just never be pretty. So I guess the answer to my punch line

. . . the bartender says gorillas and giraffes are welcome but you need to decide who you are man or woman . I choose woman . . . head held high complete with Edie Munter hairline and stubborn goatee. :)



Cheers

Marcelle

[JanePeterson]

Marcelle,

Thank you for sharing these thoughts. To me, you epitomize the essence of what transition SHOULD be - I think the rest of us struggle for a long time to reach the place you are, and i think for many the effects of HRT may help us get there - but from what i can tell in the short time I've been here is that you are as authentic and clearly a woman as anyone I've ever read. The trans women you talked about who were giving you crap about HRT.. how do they know what your experience is like? I think you deserve the benefit of the doubt.

As for the dysphoria... its hard to ignore what hormones can do for some of those issues. I share your discomfort with many of them and have felt an enormous relief as HRT begins to reduce their impact... Without suggesting what you should or shouldn't do, i hope you decide to do what makes you the happiest and your life easiest.

Whatever happens, i think i speak for many when i say you will always have our deepest respect around here for your integrity and strength of character. Don't let those haters get you down :)

Jane

[Pat]

Have you ever felt like the world is some great cosmic joke and you are the punchline . . . so a tranny, a gorilla and a giraffe walk into a bar and the bartender says . . .

"Nice hair."


Am I poser want to be who can’t commit?

I don't know, are you? Your words say no. Your actions say no. Your history seems to say you don't seek the path of least resistance. ;)

Not offering pity; just respect. Too much respect to enumerate the options on hair issues that don't require HRT. 'Way too much respect to suggest you have any failure of character. You're a pathfinder -- your path is there somewhere.

[pamela7]

Marcelle, you be you, you're a woman cos you know you are, nothing else need be said.

I've gotten used to going out as I am. I rarely use makeup, and I shave every 2 days now (up from every 3-4 days). Folks have to deal with me as me, and why the hell does gender have anything to do with social interaction out there anyway (yes, it does, i know), but they have to deal with their problem, not me.

xxx Pam

[tgirlamc]

Hi Marcelle!

Jane and Jennie both put it beautifully....there are so many small battles within ourselves that come along with the enormity of the war we go through to live our lives and be ourselves. I think we all struggle with different aspects more than others but you seem to be rolling to victory on many fronts!

With Great Respect,

Ashley :)

[Heidi Stevens]

Good morning, Marcelle, and any time you wake up it's always a good morning. What we do with that morning and the rest of the day is up to you.

Your journey to reconizing your womanhood has some parallels to your military service from what I gathered in your posts and our conversations. In the service, you were a part of a group that would go into hostile territory, gather information and report back. Those reports told the brass which way the group should go. I think over the past few years, you've been doing the same "probe and report" with yourself about who you are and where you wanted to go. Even now, you seem to be probing for more info to solidify your current position. That's good since you have decided that where you are is where you want to be.

You have accepted yourself, but now you're searching for the same from those around you. You are aware of your appearance and are now probing for answers to help others know where you are coming from. You probably want them to respect you for who you are, nothing more. Appearance can help with that acceptance and that may be why you tell us what you are working with. Guess you'll have to do a little recon to see where you want to go now. There are a lot of us who went thru laser, electrolysis, HRT, surgery, etc. to reach that point where all aspects of life are good. As you well know, just knowing about it doesn't mean you're going there. Your own path has had you reaching points where you later knew that that place was not you. So maybe you're not "there" yet. Then again maybe you are "there" and your looking to establish "roots" and looking for ways to do that.

We can help you out with intel, but this time it's your call to deside the path you take!
I leave you with a nugget of personal knowledge, being on HRT has made the hair on my head get thicker and fill in. Just saying! :devil: As one of my tag lines says: Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

[Dana44]

Marcelle, Yeah we are all under the great cosmic joke. You are a woman, I knew that before your he fell under as you put it. We all respect you and we go through the same struggles. As gender plays a joke on us we do the best to accommodate it and do what we need to do. Your beard problem can be fixed with laser or electrolysis. But your head hair keep growing it. Yeah we have thicker hair and it is harder to work with. But after two years I have finally got nice long hair.
It is a struggle but worth the effort as we become ourselves under the cosmic universe.

[PretzelGirl]

First off, your two friends don't get it, which is a shame. We are not trying to be women. We are trying to be us! Sometimes we are accused here of presenting opinions as "trannier than thou" and I would say no because we push being real. Now your friends saying you should be on HRT..... You do what makes you feel congruent. You do what makes you feel real. What you don't do is what your friends think you should do when chatting at the breakfast table.

I lived life.... myyyyyyy wayyyyyyy!

[Brooklyn]

Why do you think the comments from the other trans-women went through you "like a knife”? And why do you think they made those comments?

[jentay1367]

No need to apologize, Marcelle. We are all sisters here and we need to be able to lean on each other. To me, you are living proof that gender exists between the ears and in your heart......nowhere else. I was mortified that I had communicated so poorly that I may have ruined your day. As far as these people that laid that nonsense on you? They're lost souls.It sucks when we get this from the cis world....but when it comes from our own ranks? Disgusting and disheartening.

Be well hon. As Misty pointed out, we all look at you with the highest respect and admiration. You rock girl!!

[Mirya]

Taking HRT doesn't automatically make someone a woman. And not taking HRT does not mean that someone is not a woman.

But I have to admit I'm confused as to why you are not taking HRT. Isn't it at least worth trying, to see if it's right for you? Especially since you are already living as a woman full time? It costs very little to try HRT for a short time, so I don't see the harm in it (unless you have health issues that prevent you from being on HRT). If you don't like the effects, you can stop at any time... it's not permanent like surgery.

It seems to be a major issue in your life since you mentioned it multiple times in your original post, and yet you never explain the reasons why. You even mention that the comments from the local TS women hurt you like a knife. So there must be a very powerful reason for you to decide not to be on HRT, and I'm very curious as to why.

[pamela7]

Marcelle does explain why, she is in inner peace so she does not need to. I also have inner peace and am emotionally very sensitive, so i expect nothing to change expect physical things on hrt. My F2M step-son also has chosen to live as a man and has no hrt, no srs; same thing really, a decision to accept the body as it is.

[becky77]

Marcelle has stated several times she has her reasons for not taking HRT and I don't think pushing her for an answer is fair.

[jentay1367]

Yeah....it really is nobodies business but hers. Mirya just wants to help. We all like to help each other and sometimes step on each others privacy in the process. So we care too much.....girl thing..... Shoot us all!...... bunch of nosy old trannies!....l.o.l.

[arbon]

Transition is all about knowing and being comfortable in your own skin. It is not an easy thing to achieve . Marcelle is a tough woman and knows who she is and is that comfortable with herself. I admire that. I know I'm not as strong or as sure of myself as she is.



and we go through the same struggles.

have you transitioned Dana? Have you gone through any of this at all?

[Badtranny]

Why do you think the comments from the other trans-women went through you "like a knife”? And why do you think they made those comments?

Ooooh snap, my girl Ash going right for the tough questions! lol

I love Marcelle being here because her openness helps us to uncover what this whole transition thing is really about. One of my brilliant tranny friends, (I honestly can't remember which one) said that Transition is not the beginning of self discovery, it is the END of it. Or something to that effect.

You see, a proper transition absolutely requires a baring of the soul. A stripping away of the artifice caked on us like so much over spray by a binary existence. We're lucky in a way because our gender issues force us into this examination and if we work hard enough, we will come through the other side as whole healthy people. Notice I didn't say women?

The weird reality of this situation is that trans women are already women. From birth. The problem isn't who we are on a cellular level, the problem is how we deal with it. A lifetime of confusion and angst and fear and shame will bend and distort your psyche in ways that we can't even comprehend until we start the work of sorting through it all. This condition is NOT reserved for transgender people. Homosexuals go through the exact same thing until they can accept themselves. Less so now than 50 years ago, but coming out as gay is STILL a big deal. (and if you don't think so, then try it with your buddies)

Of course it's also the same for those with fetishes or alternative sexuality, etc etc. ...yes, even cross dressers.

So transition is hard, but if the inside work is done you are feeling pretty good about who you are and that alone will be your crutch when life takes your legs out. You see, after you have well and truly accepted yourself you are no longer ashamed of being read or coming out. You have become resigned to your fate. You are a transgender woman, or a CD, or a queer, or whatever you are, and that's pretty much that. This wonderful head space is a very difficult place to arrive at though. The struggle is real and the journey is fraught with terrible things. Things like equivocation, justification, rationalization. These are the kinds of things that can derail you on your path to being emotionally healthy. We are always in danger of falling into the traps of fooling ourselves or being caught up in some arbitrarily rigid ideology.

We must keep forcing ourselves to look at the ugly parts. To face the truth. To hear the truth. To work through the hard part with the vigor of someone who really wants to be free.

[Mirya]

Marcelle does explain why, she is in inner peace so she does not need to.

Is she really at peace though? While Marcelle did write that she "has no chaos to quell" an that she has "no issues with [her] body", in the very next paragraph she wrote that her "dysphoria is not absen" due to her hair, including body hair. It is well known that HRT will reduce or eliminate body hair over time. So isn't it in her own interests to get started on HRT to help reduce this "heart wrenching" (her words) dysphoria? I'm just trying to understand and be helpful, that's all. She clearly accepts herself as a woman, and I have no reason to doubt that at all, but I just feel like it would make her life easier (as a woman) if she started HRT. There are many benefits! That's all; it is not my intention to pry or be critical.


I also have inner peace and am emotionally very sensitive, so i expect nothing to change expect physical things on hrt.

I think it's healthy to go into HRT with an open mind and no preconceptions of how it will change oneself mentally. But the fact is that it DOES change people mentally. I think your expectation that it won't change you mentally is not realistic. If it doesn't change you, then you may be the first person I have ever known for whom that is true. Regardless, I wish you only the best in your journey on HRT and hope that the NHS will get you started on it as soon as you like. I feel terrible for all the trans people in the UK who are on long waiting lists.

[Lorileah]

hair...yeah....hair. Double edged sword. When I was 20 I didn't shave while in the military. I wanted to have that wonderful mustache many in my company had...I wanted to be a "guy". But even at 16 I was losing the front hairline (thus I was undatable...yada yada yada...funny thing those women who wouldn't date me are now all narried to bald guys...go figure). I have resigned myself to the fact I will have to wear a wig the rest of my life. It ain't growing back even after three years of HRT (although being blonde maybe it is and it's hard to see?). BUT! The other edge of that blade.Even though I think I need to shave daily (hate the sandpaper feel) unless you look closely you don't see it until 36 hours and body hair is minimal. I think my arm hair is less noticeable too.

There are thing I hate about me that won't change. I know that inside. But I try and learn to live with them. In a perfect world I would have been a movie star. Then I realize they aren't "perfect" either. They work hard for that look. Yes HRT has changed a few things. Not HUGE things but subtle things (like my skin tears easier). For me, it was the little bump I needed but in truth I didn't notice the big swings others did. So, if you think it will help in small ways and you don't expect massive changes, then do it. Otherwise love what you can of yourself.

[Beth-Lock]

....This was followed by a meeting with a couple of local TS gals (not from this forum BTW) who spent the entire lunch accusing me of being a poser because I can’t commit to HRT so I will never know what it is like to be a woman because emotionally I will always be a guy. ...

I never will get over some of the appalling bad behaviour from within our own community. I hope that you will be able, as soon as possible, to put the shock and hurt of having to hear this sort of nonsense, behind you. Take care .Hugs.


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "You left me just when I needed you most !"

[Marcelle]

Hi all ... don't want you to think I posted and fled. Clearing brush right now to avoid a fire hazzard on our property. Will respond to all later.

Cheers

[Barbara Dugan]

Taking HRT doesn't automatically make someone a woman. And not taking HRT does not mean that someone is not .

I understood this concept since I started hanging out more with my local Latin Transgeder Group...A lot of them are not on HRT for a lot of different reasons and they live normal Female lives.

[Rachel Smith]

Marcelle,

Just be you, don't harm anyone and be happy. There are things that I will not be able to change about me either but I am more than content with myself now and anyone that doesn't like it too bad. I transitioned late and perhaps not caring what others think comes with being older. If you are happy with you then screw your tranny friends they are not real friends anyway or they would be a tad more understanding. That's what life is about understanding ourselves as well as others. My attitude now is I will row my boat and you row yours. Not that I don't need an extra hand on the oars from time to time but it is still MY boat.

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Firstly, thanks for all your replies. I feel much better today it is amazing what a good vent and several hours of outdoor activity can do for the soul. A few points were raised which I would like to address from my perspective of things.



. . . We are not trying to be women. We are trying to be us! Sometimes we are accused here of presenting opinions as "trannier than thou" and I would say no because we push being real. ..... You do what makes you feel congruent. You do what makes you feel real.

Hi Sue . . . Precisely, we are trying to be us. I discovered this when I finally made the move to living full time. I admit I wanted so much to pass/blend as "a woman" that I forgot about being a person. There was a whole individual who had hid from the world out of shame, guilt, bitterness who needed to brought into the light. I also realized with the exception of a few d-bags out there who will hate just because it is all they have holding them together in life, most people just don't care what I look like. I am not that important in their own existence to waste time ruminating about. Oh, I get the looks and nervous smiles when I interact with people but they are harmless. My sense of peace comes from accepting that how I present to the world is me and I am comfortable with that. I think most people sense that internally acceptance and just go about their day when they interact with me.


Why do you think the comments from the other trans-women went through you "like a knife”? And why do you think they made those comments?

Hi Ashley,

Why do I think they made those comments? Well, not knowing what is truly in their minds I can surmise two potential reasons why they may have said these things: (1) they were speaking from a position of extreme arrogance and just being plain spiteful because they know my thoughts on HRT; or (2) they truly believe what they said and that somehow because I am not on HRT I can never relate to women on an emotional level, hence I will never be a woman. I truly believe it is a bit of both though. These women have checked all the boxes (HRT, BA, GRS, FFS) and in their mind's eye (openly stated) unless you ride the train all the way to the station . . . you are not a woman. Their stance has never seriously bothered me because it is their opinion and everyone is entitled to an opinion, but it does grate on me because if anyone should have an understanding of what we go through to make things work it should be our own community. So the conversation as it is always want to do skewed in that direction and, this gal loves a good argument. So when they went down the "train station analogy" I indicated that there are women out there who would disagree that even taking the train all the way to the station does not make you woman because genetically . . . your ticket says XY not XX. Now before anyone goes off here, I was not being facetious or spiteful I was merely trying to demonstrate the silliness of their statement . . . nobody can define who you are based on genetics, body chemistry or outward appearance . . . you are who you are and only you have the right to define that. If someone doesn't agree . . . their baggage not yours. This threw them over the top and faster than you can say "flying monkeys" I was set upon with the "poser, want to be" rhetoric.

Why did the comments go through me like a knife? I guess I should have articulated this a bit better. The comments did not skewer my soul in a sense I felt they are probably right on some level, it is about belonging. As much as I am comfortable that the world sees an ugly old white dude in a dress when they look at me, I still feel caught between worlds. Yes, people are polite, people use the correct gender pronouns and are respectful, but I also know that some women still see me as a man and some men view me as a bit of a gender traitor. The trans community should at least hold a modicum of belonging. When other trans folk say things like this it makes me feel like . . . great, now I don't even have a place to hang my hat just to take a breather and collect my thoughts when things are bad. That type of behavior in our own community is what goes through me like a knife. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being proud of doing the things you needed to do in order to be, well . . . you. Revel in it, shout it from the roof tops and be proud . . . however comparing yourself (to be clear I am not talking about you personally) and your path to others and denigrating their existence as less then authentic when they are fully out in all aspects of life, is spurious and just mean spirited. When I see that behavior or experience it within the community, it saddens me because it is not required . . . heck we take enough crap in the world as it is. I don't need someone trying to lord it over me in an effort to make themselves feel good. That is what goes through me like a knife . . . the belief on the part of some that there is only one way forward . . . their way.

Hi Mirya,

Let me respond to several of your comments over a few posts piecemeal:


Taking HRT doesn't automatically make someone a woman. And not taking HRT does not mean that someone is not a woman.

Precisely my point . . . for me to be who I need to be, HRT is not required.



But I have to admit I'm confused as to why you are not taking HRT. Isn't it at least worth trying, to see if it's right for you? Especially since you are already living as a woman full time? It costs very little to try HRT for a short time, so I don't see the harm in it (unless you have health issues that prevent you from being on HRT). If you don't like the effects, you can stop at any time... it's not permanent like surgery.

When it comes to HRT I am out of my depth. With the exception of few conversations with my MO (medical officer) and personal research, much of what I know about HRT is gleaned from the folks here. From what I read, the women here who go on HRT do so because if they don't it could lead them to a very dark place. For them it was not a matter of "trying" it was a matter of "requirement". There are lots of things in the world which are good for you. Apparently immersing oneself into freezing water is good for your circulation. Circulation health is good but, I am not crawling into an open ice hole in -40 degree weather any time soon. Look I am not trying to be a wisenheimer or make fun of your comment. My point is trying something especially something serious like HRT when you don't feel the need just to see if it is right IMHO is not a wise course of action. I don't feel the drive, urge or requirement for HRT because for the most part I don't have chaotic thoughts about be being trans. Do I have bad days where I wish I could crawl under a rock and disappear? You bet, but I think everyone does. If the thoughts were pervasive and my ability to maintain emotional control was hampered, then I would probably be at my MO's door the next day discussing HRT.


It seems to be a major issue in your life since you mentioned it multiple times in your original post, and yet you never explain the reasons why. You even mention that the comments from the local TS women hurt you like a knife. So there must be a very powerful reason for you to decide not to be on HRT, and I'm very curious as to why.

I think I explain this in my response to Ashley. It is not a major issue in my life but when people imply that to not do so makes you less then them . . . that grates on my nerves. My path is my path and it is as true and authentic as any woman here. As Sue put quite well . . . "we are just trying to be us" and how you get there is your business. The women's comments did not hurt me on an emotional level, they made me sad that people in our own community can be so callous and arrogant as to imply we are not authentic because of how we choose to live.


Is she really at peace though? While Marcelle did write that she "has no chaos to quell" an that she has "no issues with [her] body", in the very next paragraph she wrote that her "dysphoria is not absen" due to her hair, including body hair. It is well known that HRT will reduce or eliminate body hair over time. So isn't it in her own interests to get started on HRT to help reduce this "heart wrenching" (her words) dysphoria? I'm just trying to understand and be helpful, that's all.

Again, no insult taken as I am all about the understanding. As I stated above, the urge to start HRT is not present. My peace of mind comes from living my life out there and taking my place in the light. People may see a guy in women's clothing but that is their opinion and I don't deny them that opinion. However, owning my existence is what gives me strength and allows me to reconcile my outward appearance with my inward gender. Do I wish I was genetically blessed with fine features, great hair and a whole host of things which would allow be to blend/pass? Certainly. Does it control my life, keep me from interacting with the world or leave me emotionally crippled? No. Sure, I have an issue with my hair (head, facial, body) and I am seeking ways to deal with that (laser, electrolysis, shaving). However this is a long process given the coarseness of my facial hair and amount of body hair. My facial hair is all but gone along the cheeks and throat and my technician has started electrolysis on these areas to clean up the stragglers. However, the goatee area is a hard fought battle and in her words (my technician) until laser reduces it much more, doing electrolysis right now would be like spitting on a bonfire. So when I go out the beard shadow in this area is still evident even with foundation . . . however it does not prevent me from going out or living my life. It is just me. Will I be glad when it is gone? You bet because then the requirement for make-up can be something I choose rather than a necessity. Regarding my hair (head) what woman doesn't want to rock her own full head of hair. So yes, it was heart wrenching when I asked my stylist for an honest opinion and she was frank it that she could do something but it would never truly look right. But she has had the same conversation with other women who are loosing their hair for other reasons. It hurt but I will get over it.

IMHO if I was contemplating HRT just to get some feminizing effects when I have other options . . . just saying that IMO that seems to be the wrong reason for contemplating HRT (for me that is).



. . . You see, a proper transition absolutely requires a baring of the soul. A stripping away of the artifice caked on us like so much over spray by a binary existence. We're lucky in a way because our gender issues force us into this examination and if we work hard enough, we will come through the other side as whole healthy people. Notice I didn't say women?

The weird reality of this situation is that trans women are already women. From birth. The problem isn't who we are on a cellular level, the problem is how we deal with it. A lifetime of confusion and angst and fear and shame will bend and distort your psyche in ways that we can't even comprehend until we start the work of sorting through it all . . .

. . . So transition is hard, but if the inside work is done you are feeling pretty good about who you are and that alone will be your crutch when life takes your legs out. You see, after you have well and truly accepted yourself you are no longer ashamed of being read or coming out. You have become resigned to your fate.

Hi Melissa,

I think you articulated what I feel in those three statements above. I spent my entire existence up until three years ago, hiding, being ashamed, denying and suppressing the healthy person within becoming a bitter, depressed and angry d-bag. When I finally let go, examined things I realized that while the angry parts of me were based on shame and guilt, the core was still salvageable as that person was strong, healthy and happy. Did I look like a stellar beauty in my fledgling steps in the world? Not a chance but it didn't matter because I was me and I was alive for the very first time in my life. The sun felt warmer, the trees were greener and colours were more vibrant . . . okay a bit hokey but I think you get the picture :). Denying created the person I wasn't and accepting myself for who I was . . . warts and all . . . freed the real person I was meant to be.

Cheers all,

Marcelle

[Mirya]

Marcelle, thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I think I now understand where you're coming from. What's important is that you're being true to yourself and living an authentic life, and I'm happy that you've found a way to do that. :)

[Donnagirl]

I see your Eddy Munster and raise you Rocky Horror picture show's 'Riff Raff'. Oh how I dream of only a widows peak. HRT has uses but not against raging alopecia...

Jokes aside, it's hard not to admire your tenacious resolve, you're going to be the 'you' that you want to be no matter what. Keep blazing that trail :-)