Feeling Overwhelmed

[KymberlyOct]

OK I am truly not trying to start a pity party for me. Just looking for some encouragement and advice. It's funny that I am feeling down tonight as August should be a big month to get my transition in the next gear. I know there may be some fear of success or fear of something I am not seeing but here's the scoop.

Early April decide to transition. Contact a gender therapist. Had 1st appointment in June. Have FFS consultation in May. Have 15 hours of electrolysis in one day June 30th. Come out to Mom, brother, best friend and another friend. Started regular weekly electrolysis appointments last week.

Now in August I will be at the transgender clinic a lot. 2 therapists appts, 2 support group meetings (1st one on Monday ) and I meet the HRT doctor on Aug 17th. Sounds great huh? Starting to get the ball rolling.

Why do I feel like I am staring at Mt. Everest? I do have a few legitimate reasons for feeling this.
1. I don't know if they will give me anything for HRT. Maybe Anti Androgens. I have had 2 heart attacks and my heart isn't good. Just had an Angiogram two weeks ago no additional stents but extensive disease.
2. I have been waiting 4 years for money in a settlement from the drug that caused my bladder cancer. It appears to finally be close, within 5 to 8 months but unsure when and the point is that is how I plan to pay for FFS. Plus the heart stuff has me borderline for FFS anyway according to Dr. Zukowski.

Sometimes I still look in the mirror and think 'who am I kidding'. Tonight is one of those times. I care way more about FFS than I should. I want to pass, or at least not have my appearance scream DUDE !!!!!! I guess I could get some relatively easy stuff done like Rhinoplasty / lip lift etc.

Marcelle I think you are incredible - you are living your life with the courage to not let others define you.

I really need to get past this passing thing. Right now it feels very heavy and the mountain of transitioning feels very high.

[tgirlamc]

Hey Sis!!!

You are looking down the barrel of a lot of unknowns right now... Unknowns are something we look at and then fill in the blanks with fears...Change in one's life always carries a element of the unknown and you are looking down a path that changes almost every aspect of your life to some degree or another.... Feeling overwhelmed is a part of this journey and very understandable.... Probably would wonder if you didn't feel that way!!!....and...look!!!... You made a great move and reached out for some support instead of sitting there and letting the fears get worse.... You took some action!... I dont know how all this will play out for you medically... but, I have faith that all will be well for you...I think you are resolute in your decisions and approach them well ...looking at all sides of things...dang Libra!!!! :)... Everything you mentioned should go with you to your new support group on Monday!!!

I think this journey we are all one is very much one of faith... We start towards our destination without knowing for sure if we will get there... But we have faith that we will...We trust that when we ge there, often at the expense of everything we have built in our life, that we will be ourselves, and that will be enough for us...when that faith wavers along the way... Things can be very overwhelming and get very hard, very quickly ...I think in those times we can find our faith renewed by the strength of those who care for us and want us to succeed...

I can tell you this... You have a lot of sisters here who want you to succeed in making your life whatever you want it to be!!!!

Hugs!!!

Ashley :)

[KymberlyOct]

Thanks Ashley, you are such a good friend and I want to say it here publicly. I really appreciate you.
Kym

[Badtranny]

...for what it's worth, FFS is NOT a panacea.

I didn't pass too good after my first round of FFS. In fact I thought I looked pretty much the same. Basically it takes quite a while for the changes to manifest. Healing is slow and physical changes are slower.

My only advice is; relax. This whole process is measured in years, so don't look at last month for progress, look at last year. Just keep your head straight and keep pushing forward. A little bit of progress is still a little bit of progress.

[KymberlyOct]

Glad you weighed in, I always look forward to your thoughts. Good advice like usual. Thanks.

[becky77]

It is a mountain Kymberly and if you look at it in its entirety it's overwhelming.
One step at a time, set objectives and try to make steady progress as the down times when you don't feel you are achieving anything can really bring you down.

You're going to have bad days where everything feels too much, pretty sure we've all been there.
In the early days I remember curling up in a ball in bed and crying for the day, but the next day I faced the world again. There's nothing wrong with fear or doubt some days the Demons will be too strong.
It's about how you overcome that and push on to accomplish the task of being authentic and each time you succeed you become stronger and more confident until this becomes the new normal and that scared restricted life is a thing of the past.

The really bad days are worth it when the really good days come along.

[pamela7]

Hi Kymberly,

So you decided in April, and you're already entering the medical process. It might be worth accelerating your psycho-emotional process.
I decided last November, I'm likely to be able to see the NHS psychos from February next year, and maybe if the wind is the right direction, get to starting hrt next july. two years later if its all ok and agreed I might be allowed to start the surgical side. So when Mel says "consider progress in years", she has a very valid point. You're lucky to live somewhere you can progress physically faster. I'm lucky to have the best psycho-emotional processes, so I feel sorted, getting on life while the queue reduces.

xxx Pam

[JanePeterson]

Overwhelmed is how I've felt since this whole thing started... I think if you could conceptualize how enormous a transition really is your head would explode. The only thing I've found that helps us to focus on small immediate goals- push thru to next electro appointment... get paperwork started for name change... Anything to make incremental progress. It's a bit like climbing a 3000ft radio tower when you're scared of heights... Don't look down!!! Just focus on the next rung :). Full disclosure; I spend much of my day staring down and screaming in terror, but is sounds like good advice if you can make it happen :)

[donnaS]

I feel the same way at times.
Electrolysis is so slow!! I want that faster!!
But I did take it slow on HRT. Even really slower during my divorce. Just the emotions of the divorce and HRT were too much at times.
I'm now maxed out on HRT dosage.
6 months so far.
Ready for surgery, but waiting patiently to see how the girls develop.
Need to build up sick leave for surgery.
Hopefull within three years it will all be possible.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kymberly,

Much sage advice has already been given . . . one step at a time. Having an end game focus is fine but concentrating on the here and now it what is going to get you through. In my day job on thing I deal with is preparing people for the struggle of captivity. In a sense, transition is akin to captivity . . . we are captive in our own selves and with a drive to escape and become the person we need to be. So the end game is important "transition" but getting there should be the focus. IMHO if your goal is to have a successful transition, then focusing on the perfect scenario while it has merit can also lead to some serious setbacks should things go awry. I teach people that focusing on what you can control and not the things you can't control . . . gives you locus of control during captivity. The much can be said about transitioning . . . you have some clear plans but some things you will be able to control and some you won't. If you can control it . . . own it and make it yours. If you can't then have a contingency on how you plan to deal with it and fall back position to move forward from. This will allow you deal with setbacks should they occur

Yes, it looks like a mountain but you will get where you need to go . . . it will just take time.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Mirya]

Kymberly, I understand about the whole passing thing. It's also very important to me. Although FFS and HRT will certainly help a lot, your voice is also just as important. In some ways I think it's even more important. And since you didn't mention your voice at all, I was wondering if you've been working on it?

I don't want to overwhelm you with even more things to do, but it might actually not be a bad idea to focus on your voice instead of on other things like surgery, which you may not have control over. There are plenty of cis women in the world who are not "attractive", but nobody questions their gender because of their voice. Training your voice can go a long way towards improving your ability to pass, regardless of how you look.

[jentay1367]

Hi Kym. If misery loves company, I think you've got a ton of friends here. I feel most of your pain and for much the same reasons. I suspect it's part of the process for most of us. Trying to be patient seems like the toughest part. I have nothing to help other than commiseration. I hope next year were both still here and musing with each other at just how far we've come. Good luck, Hon!

[KymberlyOct]

Thank you all. I am not going to single out particularly helpful replies because they all were. A few really hit home but all of them helped.

Just a reply to Mirya - I agree very much on the voice. I didn't mention it because I have not moved forward with it yet although I discussed it in a PM with Kaitlyn. I have found a speech therapist at a major hospital locally that works with transgender patients. I plan on contacting her in the next week or two for a consultation. So yes I think voice is crucially important for passing or at least not screaming to the world - look at me I am transgender.

Although these replies were very helpful and I am doing significantly better today the same concerns are still simmering but much more under control. Any additional thoughts are very welcome.

Thank you all, this is such a wonderful group. Everyone has different perspectives but all with the same goal - to be helpful and supportive. I hope to pay it forward.
Kym

[Mirya]

That's great that you were able to find a local speech therapist! And one who already has experience with transgender clients, even better! I'm sure you'll do fine then. Personally, I started with the Andrea James video and the Kathe Perez 30-day course - both were helpful in laying down the foundation for future voice work. But it wasn't until I had lessons with a local voice trainer that I finally developed my female voice.

[tgirlamc]

I worked with the Andrea James DVDs and skyped a couple sessions with her as well but, I was lucky to find a local speech therapist with transgender experience and made the most headway with the immediate feedback that provided... Voice is way better than it used to be but is still a work in progress!!!

Cya!!!
A:)

[KymberlyOct]

Funny that I didn't mention that in my OP because I think it is very important. I think it was just I was listing out what I have started on. Kaitlyn suggested if I remember correctly to switch all at once instead of practicing and staying with the male voice while practicing in private with the female voice which is why I put it a little on the back burner. I am going to make it a priority to get my consultation scheduled.

Ashley, your voice sounds female, slightly different than a typical female voice but I am sure strangers on the phone read it as female.

Off to my first support group meeting OH MY LOL :eek:

[Jennifer-GWN]

I think voice like most transition related changes its evolutionary vs. over night. Voice conditioning takes time one to vary and then to smooth out. Even those who have vfs need to do a considerable amount of post surgery conditioning. There's no magic wand nor quick fix for anything; sadly many think there is.

[PretzelGirl]

I think the syncing of voice training to your schedule can vary a little depending on your preferences. I started 4 months before being full time and was training at a rate of 2 sessions per month. I had another 4 months after going full time. The reason this worked for me was because I was presenting as Sue outside of work and was getting my practice plus some to the point that my therapist had me back off because I was doing too much. But overall, you have to think about whether you want your voice perfect at the full time point, which means your previous has gone through some changes, or if you can start with a good enough voice and it will evolve. Now note that this is just talking about the period you are in active sessions. Your voice will continue to develop over time from the regular use. I find it hard to go back to the old voice and even then, I don't think it really is the same voice as things like resonance and inflection have changed it and I am only really dropping the pitch.

[KymberlyOct]

Thanks Sue, I have been thinking of you it sounds like you are doing well. My very best wishes and thanks for taking the time to give me your experience. The consultation with the voice therapist is the next thing on my to do list.

[Suzanne F]

Kimberly
Can I suggest something between passing and looking like a dude? How about looking as good as you can in a confident way? Regardless of whether people determine you might look slightly masculine. I understand wanting to pass. I would love nothing more than to wake up flawless. That isn't going to happen overnight. I get up, do the best I can and go face the world much happier than I did even a year ago. Yes I am as vain as any woman on this site but I refuse to let my shortcomings in appearance rob me of my happiness!!!! Now I gotta go and get my beauty rest. It is going to be ok and you will get through this!
Suzanne

[KymberlyOct]

Suzanne - "Now I gotta go get my beauty rest" literally made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the good advice. I am slowly making progress. Wore very feminine pants to my group last night and walked through many groups of cis people. My real issue is more about being comfortable being read as trans - not passing. Yes I want to pass but the real issue is accepting being trans so I don't care so much about passing. I have gotten so much out of this group in 3 months but the #1 thing was BT saying the first transphobe is yourself - genius.

I hope you are doing well and recovering as fast as possible. Sounds like you are doing much better from what I have read. So happy for you. Thanks for the advice.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Kimberly... Being read as trans vs. misgendered as male. Hmmm interesting. I'd tend to put that in our own hang up bucket and within the community (birds of a feather). General public, granted changing and people becoming more aware of "us", will tend to do the more gender Binary thing of m/f.

Sounds like your comfort and confidence is developing in a positive direction...excellent...keep it up. It will be second nature before you know it. As for accepting who you are I agree with Melissa this is one of the hard parts of transitioning. Face it you are trans...welcome to the club...sit down... Take your shoes off and stay awhile. Life is too short to worry too much about the simple fact we are trans. Now as grow and assimilate more often you'll just be viewed as woman unless your fall more fluid. Me... Feminine all the way; by nature, and frankly I think because of that my path has been somewhat easier. This is not to imply being someone your not... Feminine is me; might not be for you. Heck I don't even own a pair of pants... Ok 2 but they for grubby situations.