Nervous

[Jessica1983]

In the waiting room waiting for my first therapy session🤔😬

[Rachelakld]

moving forward in life - always the best way to go.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Jessica,

Hoped luck:):thumbsup:

[Just-Lucy]

good luck with today! I am telling my doc soon and looking forward to finding out how your visit goes xXx

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jessica:hugs:, That sounds great, Keep us advised...:daydreaming:...

[SamanthaSometimes]

My counseling sessions were so helpful and I hope yours will be too. Let us know how it goes.

[Lana Mae]

Jessica, good luck! As everyone said, keep us informed!! Best wishes!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jessica1983]

Thank you all she was a nice lady easy to talk to I explained my history and were it started and the problems I have now and my need to give this up for my marriage she asked if I would try anti depressives she said it can reduce the urges and said I should bring my wife and try negotiate would be better only get 45 Minites so it's a lot to take in

[kittie60]

It's ok to be nervous. You've just taken a big step in. Your life.you'll be fine

[Krisi]

Why are you going to a therapist?

[Jessica1983]

Hi because I need to leve this part of me behind and be the family man my wife married I have to
At lease try to save my marriage I do not want to quit but I don't want to lose the life I have but sadly it's one or the other

[Krisi]

If I understand correctly, you are going to a therapist so you can quit crossdressing?

A lot of people on this forum will try to tell you that it's impossible to quit. These people are "enablers'. Crossdressing is something that you can quit. It's not chemically addicting like drugs, alcohol or smoking. It's basically a habit.

Each morning when you get up, you have a choice of a bra and blouse or a shirt. You have a choice of panties and a skirt or briefs and pants. Pumps or oxfords. It's up to you.

It's sad that you have to make the choice between your hobby and your family, but life isn't always fair.

Good luck and best wishes. One thing you might want to do is to stop visiting crossdressing forums. Hanging around here won't help you quit and your wife wouldn't understand it.

[Alice Torn]

It sounds like an ultimatum. Your wife, or the dressing. I hope your wife will agree to going to a session with the therapist, at least once, in hope of a compromise. If not, kiss the lady things goodbye. And hoping your marriage goes better.

[Teresa]

Jessica,
I hope it goes well for you, I've been through two different sessions now but they can only guide you you have to come to your own decisions hopefully knowing yourself better with her help.

I've been on antidepressants twice, the problem is they may ease your anxiety but I found they also took away the feeling of guilt and shame from CDing so the outcome was I felt more comfortable with my dressing. This is not the outcome my wife wanted , which it appears you are trying to achieve for your wife's sake. I'm going to say sorry but it doesn't work like that , you are backing yourself into a worse situation which may blow up big time in the future.
Your therapist can't stop your CDing she can only help you and hopefully your wife come to terms with it, it's part of you that you can only bury for so long. Please believe I've been there and tried to do exactly the same thing, and by my early forties nearly ended my life through the the situation and my wife's attitude to it. I had the added problem that my wife wouldn't attend any of the sessions, I was the one with the problem and it was for me to sort it, that is very hard when you're alone with it and no one to talk to. ( I wasn't a member of the forum then !)

I'm not saying we are all the same a but I can see enough similarities to see you are expecting the wrong outcome from counselling. I went to get the facts straight , I then wrote it all down and offered it to my wife to read, at that point I told her that was where my CDing is, if it's too far out of your comfort zone then we should accept a separation . We have stayed together but now I go out socially all my family know about my dressing, I've told her I'm not bothered who knows because it's not going to change me, she still chooses not to see me but accepts it something I need to do. I do accept it's a compromised lifestyle but at least we have an intact family so we can enjoy our grandchildren together.

[CONSUELO]

Keep at the therapy and my best wishes.

Several people here believe that cross dressing is just a hobby or a "habit" but I don't subscribe to that view and neither does the majority of the psychology profession.
i had a hobby of stamp collecting which I pursued with enthusiasm for many years but over time my interest in that hobby faded and leaving it behind was not traumatic.

I also smoked cigarettes when I was young and that was an addiction and a very bad habit. I gave it up one day and although it was a struggle at first it became easier and now I wonder why I ever did such a thing. I have never been tempted to go back to smoking in many decades.

I tried to give up cross dressing and it was as if a part of my fibre was being torn from me. It was qualitatively very different and felt like part of me was being wrenched from my psyche.

Neverthless you have a vitally important issue facing you and I wish you the best in resolving it. Keep up with the therapy.

[Lorileah]

A lot of people on this forum will try to tell you that it's impossible to quit. These people are "enablers'. Crossdressing is something that you can quit. It's not chemically addicting like drugs, alcohol or smoking. It's basically a habit.



Wow, so happy you got your PhD in psychology. You should rock the whole profession. Honestly if it were "Just a habit" people would walk away every day and never return. So how do you explain the depression, the self hate, the anger toward the spouse, the relapses, the feeling that it is a part of who you are? But since you evidently are well versed in this matter, I have to wonder why you still hang here. You never seem happy. Maybe you just need a new hobby.

To the OP, you made a good choice going to therapy. I don't agree with getting on a drug to break the cycle but sometimes it will help you get where you want to be. Your responses flag things that should be discussed with your therapist (and I also agree that your wife being in on some would be helpful). You believe that somehow, when you dress you are no longer "the man". You are still the same man, you can do all the things you could do in jeans in a tshirt. If counseling helps you function in life without dressing,that's great. I am sure others have done it. Not saying they were happy doing it, some may have been , others probably held a lot of resentment for being forced into a corner. You do the best you can and you do one day at a time. From what I hear from you, this isn't what you want in life.

[Tina_gm]

I totally get what you are feeling and why. If I could ask a few questions. How does your wife feel about this? Would you feel the same about this if you were not married? Do you think it is wrong, or just wrong for your situation?

A therapist will attempt to help you in whatever way you wish to be helped. So long as what they do fits within ethical boundaries. rx for anxiety for gender issues does fit within this.... It will dull whatever you are feeling, gender anxiety and pretty much anything else you are feeling. This is a bandaid of sorts, but it won't take away your desires to dress or be feminine. Nothing really will. Depending on where you are at in regards to transgender (if you have a good idea) do you feel you can live your life as male only? I know you want to for your wife, but can you, and do you really want to? Perhaps.... an inbetween approach, depending on how your wife is reacting to this might be a good idea.

[Tiffany Jane]

Answers don't come from therapy, they are released from within when you are honest with yourself and your wife. Having 5 sessions this year, I was given a diagnosis from my therapist, but many of the questions I had were answered through talking over three months. The first session I walked out feeling great, honestly speaking about my past, my present, my future. Next day, as all the old feelings settled back down, they repositioned themselves. Some lost their weight and some seemed to regain their strength in how they affected me. Yet, I am happier most days. Social awareness and anxiety still affect me but not as bad. And my wife and I, she supports me and who I am, have actually grown more as I am able to discuss feelings with her and our open relationship is even more clear.

I wish you the best, but be true to yourself. It is easy to put our feelings or ourself last, believing that this is just easier or makes us the better person. I am not sure how much counseling you have had with this doctor, but seems that the answer of medication is quick, unless you are in a place thinking of hurting yourself or others. Talking to anyone you can trust is a great therapy.

[fun_girl]

Good luck
xoxo

[Jessica1983]

Hi thank you for you replies the truth is I don't want to quit I think this is why it's so hard but I need to try and save it it's a good marriage .I'm going to stick with the therapy it may help me find we're I am in my self as for the drugs I'm not sure yet the wife says I should try them but I think she is looking for a cure I think she'd rather I had a arm missing than be a dresser I've had the ultimatum of stop or were over. She has tryed to live with it but feel she can not any more she has never see me dressed it's just the thought of she hates it .my wife has said she will join me for some sessions I'm hopeing to negotiate with the help of the therapist but this is a long shot I think we will see kris is right I do need to stop looking at this forum it's not going to help me stop but it's the only place were people under stand me and my problems thank you for your help

[redtea]

She's not worth it, stay true to your desires, we all deserve someone who is interested in them, not disgusted. Your desires are more important than your partners, it's your life! Don't let anyone force you to contain your excitement. If she matters that much, than make a compromise so you can both be happy.

[CarlaWestin]

................my need to give this up for my marriage....... she asked if I would try anti depressives she said it can reduce the urges.........I should bring my wife and try negotiate would be better......

I agree with the joint counselling to attempt to negotiate a compromise. That's what a true loving relationship is. But, I will refrain from entertaining the other two comments as I would violate many of this forum's policies.


Answers don't come from therapy, they are released from within when you are honest with yourself and your wife.

Tiffany J, you've said it all

In my personal situation, I choose to be my whole self. And I'll never be a cardboard cut-out to decorate someone else's perceived life. And in turn, my Wife can be her whole self without me bestowing her with commentary about what a perfect Wife should be. And we wouldn't have it any other way. It's not perfect. But, that's the perfection of it!

[Krisi]

Wow, so happy you got your PhD in psychology. .......

My degree is in reality.

Telling someone they can't stop crossdressing isn't helping them to stop. Why don't you just tell the OP to leave the wife and family and continue crossdressing? That's pretty much what you're saying.

[Nadine Spirit]

So if people don't don't believe the same as you Krisi, they are living a fantasy?

To the OP - your best shot at happiness is a compromise with your wife. By totally quiting, it's not really a compromise.

[Krisi]

If people believe that it's impossible to stop crossdressing once a person has started, then they believe it is a mental illness that can't be cured. Is that what you believe? Is crossdressing terminal?

Quitting drugs, alcohol and tobacco is harder than quitting crossdressing because they are physically addicting. Yet, many people have quit these things. It takes wanting to quit and it takes willpower.

[Amy Fakley]

Ok Krissy ... so in your opinion, it is the ACT of crossdressing that is causing problems in the OP'S marriage, not the motivation to do so. And by extension, if the OP simply has enough "willpower" to stop acting out the desire, that will fix everything? Really?!

Imagine if I went to the Web MD forum and was all like "I can't stop coughing!" ... and some armchair MD was all like "believe in yourself girl! You can stop coughing, all you need is willpower!"

To the OP ... good luck woth coucelling, girl. Keep going, be completely honest and open with the coucellor, and they don't seem to know how to deal with your gender stuff, find one that does.

You have nothing but my deepest respect for putting your family's needs ahead of your own ... beware of the "crashing plane" scenario though. You know how they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else, even your kids ... Sometimes you have to take care of yourself before you can be effective in taking care of others. Good could councelling can help you in getting clarity for sure ...

And let us know how it goes!

[Jenniferathome]

...A lot of people on this forum will try to tell you that it's impossible to quit. These people are "enablers'. Crossdressing is something that you can quit. It's not chemically addicting like drugs, alcohol or smoking. It's basically a habit....


If people believe that it's impossible to stop crossdressing once a person has started, then they believe it is a mental illness that can't be cured....

Kris, you are wrong in so many ways it's hard to even get my head around how you can think this way. Even today, there are those that think gay people can be "cured" through behavior modification and medication. Parents force their kids into these programs and the result is 100% the same: abject failure, depression, and even suicide. Being a cross dresser is no different than being gay. This is not a learned behavior, nor is it a choice. And no, it is not a chemical addiction, because it is genetic, just like being gay. What cross dressing is NOT, is a hobby.

Once can STOP cross dressing but one is still a cross dresser. The negative side to the "quitting" is that the pressure will ultimately manifest itself in one's behavior toward others. As the pressure builds, something has to give, it's a zero sum game.

The only solution via counseling is compromise. I will add and bet my life on this, that there are several other, significant issues going on in this marriage. Cross dressing is only one of the straws breaking the back of this marriage.

Jessica, counseling will help that too.

[Teresa]

To make the reply to Krisi as blunt as possible the whole situation with my CDing and my wife's acceptance level almost ended my life twenty years ago, the chances of stopping were and still are zero and certainly hobbies don't have that effect on people.

We are wired differently and that's the bottom line nothing anyone says is going to change that, all they can do is help you understand it and hopefully live with it.

Going back to Jessica's comments, most of us have partners that would prefer it if we could stop, the only way you can continue in a successful marriage is educate your wife, I know that's easier said than done and I still haven't fully achieved it yet. If you honestly tell her you're not gay and genuinely don't want to transition then you should be able to find some common ground to work on. Most of us have had the line of just wanting the man they married, basically you still are, it's just that you have a need that has to be satisfied, it's how we are wired I'm afraid all the objections your wife throws at you aren't going to change that basic fact. At the end of the day it's how long can you deny yourself before it blows up big time, which believe me it will.

[Lorileah]

My degree is in reality.

Telling someone they can't stop crossdressing isn't helping them to stop. Why don't you just tell the OP to leave the wife and family and continue crossdressing? That's pretty much what you're saying. I said that? :eek: You telling the OP that they can stop if they really want to is telling them it is their fault that they are in the predicament they are in. You want reality? They follow your advice, they try and stop, they become depressed...Now you have reality. They start becoming angry. That leads to behaviors that are not conducive to marriage (choose one, affairs, lying, cheating, drinking or drugs, verbal or physical abuse. Self hate that leads to thoughts of suicide or mutilation...and a list of hundreds of others.) No one said they needed to give the wife an ultimatum, in fact most said they needed to WORK it out with the spouse.


If people believe that it's impossible to stop crossdressing once a person has started, then they believe it is a mental illness that can't be cured. Is that what you believe? Is crossdressing terminal? WOW HUGE jump there. Mental illness? Who said it was an illness or even a aberration? You make the leap that crossdressing is somehow a problem (social?, mental?) You want terminal 40% of transpeople consider suicide. They have a higher rate of of substance and sexual abuse. Because people tell them they are unstable!


Quitting drugs, alcohol and tobacco is harder than quitting crossdressing because they are physically addicting. Yet, many people have quit these things. It takes wanting to quit and it takes willpower. We know you are a strong person, you can buck up and quit anything. Where did you get your idea that quitting one is easier than the other? I want a citation on that.

[Nadine Spirit]

If people believe that it's impossible to stop crossdressing once a person has started, then they believe it is a mental illness that can't be cured.


If people believe that it's possible to stop cross dressing once a person has started, then they believe that the moon is made of cheese.

See, I can can make nonsense IF-THEN statements as well.






Once can STOP cross dressing but one is still a cross dresser. The negative side to the "quitting" is that the pressure will ultimately manifest itself in one's behavior toward others. As the pressure builds, something has to give, it's a zero sum game.




Jennifer stated what I would have.

[Jessica1983]

Hi again I just wrote this out once but when I posted it dident work so here goes again
Thank you all for your replys thay do help but i dident want to start an augment sorry about that
Every one has a different view in cd because we all have different experiences/veiws/life/problems and what works for one doesn't allways work for others I don't think there is a right or wrong answer that's why this is a good site lots of different views I just take the bits I think are helpful to me and read between the lines with the rest.
so i am going to carry on with the therapy and my wife will join me I'm going to try and negotiate first because I don't really want to stop that's why I keep coming back here. but if it comes to that
I will try my best to stop and if I fail I will deal with that If it happens but hopeing it dosent go that far thanks again

[Lori Kurtz]

Three cheers for your courage in dealing with your situation, Jessica. You're right, every one of us is different. Some of us can choose to dress or not dress; for others, stopping is not possible. After my first marriage failed when the truth about me came out, I went deep into the pink fog for a while--Lori indulged her inner tart, big-time--but then, I decided to try giving up the dressing in order to have a "normal" relationship with a woman. For me, it worked. If my second wife had not had a very strong libido, maybe it wouldn't have ... I'll never know for sure. I'm glad I tried, and even more glad that it worked. She never knew about my past activities and continuing fantasies. But Jenniferathome is right--even though I wasn't dressing up, I was still a crossdresser. I never forgot the kinds of enjoyment I had once had, and it was always thrilling to remember them. But the marriage was good and solid and satisfying until my second wife passed away. I'm glad I chose to live that way, and I feel lucky. Will you be a lucky one? Only you can determine that. Keep up the good work--with your therapist and with your wife. Best of luck you to, dear one, whatever the result may be.

[Krisi]

The bunch of you should ne ashamed of yourselves. Many folks call this a "support forum". If the OP had said she was going to go out dressed or buy a new wig, everyone would have jumped in with support. She posts that she needs to stop crossdressing to save her marriage and everyone posts that it can't be done, once you slip on a pair of panties you are hooked for life. What kind of support is that? Pretty crappy support, I would say.

People have quit crossdressing, but they don't continue posting on crossdressing forums. Many people have posted here for a while and then disappeared? Did they die? Kill themselves? Or did they stop dressing and lose interest in talking about it.

Jessica, if you believe the majority of the responses here, you might as well just tell your wife that you will continue dressing and she can accept it or leave. If you believe in yourself and value your wife and family more than your dressing, you can quit. Just do it and stay away from weak minded people who don't know you but don't mind telling you what you can and cannot do.

[Jenniferathome]

...

People have quit crossdressing, but they don't continue posting on crossdressing forums. Many people have posted here for a while and then disappeared? Did they die? Kill themselves? Or did they stop dressing and lose interest in talking about it.

...

Who quit? Who are these "people"? And yes, some have died. Some have killed themselves, undoubtedly. Many who have "disappeared" for a time come back and write that life got in the way (you disappeared for a time). You can read that in the (re)introduction section. And some leave must this forum because it is no help to them or they are looking for a fantasy site or most likely, they tire of the nonsense that is prevalent here.

Support is NOT agreeing with anything that someone writes. Your perspective that cross dressing is a hobby and can be quit as easily as golf is not supported by the thousands upon thousands of posts here. Nor is it supported by any science.

[IamWren]

Well, Jessica beat me to the punch in what I wanted to add.
There are many different "shades" of CDers here. By that I mean reasons why we do this.
Some (most?) it is an integral part of their being. To separate dressing from them would be like trying to separate their eye color or their personal creativity or their regional accent. For others, dressing is a vehicle for sexual arousal. Some like the challenge of creating a feminine appearance. And I can't help to think that for some it IS a hobby and something that could be let go of relatively easily.

One thing that resonates from this thread that Krissy stated is that it's my understanding that this IS a support forum.
Not in so much as to support members' crossdressing but to offer support in maintaining some sanity, dignity and other emotional support through sharing of our experiences. Obviously there are other aspects for those who are at different distances of this journey.

But I think the proper response is to come from our experience and let Jessica as well as those who routinely come by this forum as non members seeking support, what worked for us. Perhaps pointing out things and asking questions that might not have been thought of that can help get the OP and other visitors of this public side of the forum, some insight would be better than simply saying "strap on your bra girl and tell your wife if she doesn't like it she can go to hell."

That's not very supportive at all.

[Tina_gm]

We should focus more on the OP here who is asking for help rather than the opinions of others on here whom we disagree with. To the OP- if I read this correctly, that your wife is basically saying the CDing has to go or she will, but she will be an active participant in counseling to help make CDing go away, is that what I am reading?

What I think will be of value to you, unless you are already 100% certain of this, is to know what CDing is for you. Do you deep down know whether or not CDing is simply a way for you to have feminine expression or is CDing something that is a sign of a greater issue, that you want or need to live your life as a woman? If the answer is the 1st, then comes how much expression do you need to be happy.

One thing I am quite up on right now, always have been but even more so as of late is validation. What many of us sometimes need to be able to do is give validation to our partners that CDing is not something they like, want or will ever find any enjoyment of. And with that comes an acceptance of our own about that. It is a reality of many of us that our partners will always find our CDing to be something uncomfortable, something they do not want any part of.

Can there be within that, some form of compromise? Some have found it, through a DADT type of arrangement, or just in ways in which our CDing has minimal impact on the relationship, or our partners lives in general. I think what your wife needs is that validation. That it is ok for her not to like it. I think she may be looking for something in this, some control possibly, or some sort of feeling that she means more to you than CDing does, and an easy sign for that is that you give CDing up for her. Easy on her part, but not yours of course.

Can she come to an understanding that you will always have the desires you do now? and can she come to find some way in which you can have feminine expression while not having it be a big part of the relationship or her life in general? If you can find a way in which those two can be met, then hopefully she will concede to your needs. I would say if those are met, but she still will not give compromise to you then perhaps you need to re evaluate your marriage. You are looking for some magic potion (counseling) to quit for her, so already you know you are willing to. But, that is not really ever going to be a good answer. You will live with unmet needs and desires, but yet ones that can be met without your wife's direct involvement or an impact to her life. I say this on the basis of CDing being feminine expression, not a full life choice.

[Teresa]

Krisi,
You really love brushing people up the wrong way. I don't know what makes your CDing tick but it sure doesn't relate to most people here.

Most of us know we were born like it, our wiring is different, no matter what relationship we get into we eventually discover we come as a package, some partners can live with it and some can't many of us live in the DADT in between situation. We have to find ourselves before we can expect our partners to truly deal with it, that takes time but also our lives are trying to move along with the normal aspects of married life.

Sadly CDing does compete head long with out partners, it's an integral part of us and our partner isn't, we love our partners and make the commitments but somehow the two have to coexist. There is no weak mindedness or cowardice about it, most of know these facts and try and impress on others that may not have come to terms with it yet. I would like to know how many have tried like Jessica and it's turned round and bitten much more than being realistic and admitting it's a part of them.

OK everyone isn't like me but I've been there and tried to bury Teresa for so many years only for it come to a crisis point and nearly ending my life.

Yes we are here to try and help Jessica, no one wants to see someone else's life end in disaster, because they try and value their marriage more than a fundamental problem in their brain, no it's not a mental illness , it's a different thought process, nothing can change that.

[Krisi]

You weren't born a crossdresser, the desire to wear women's clothing is external. An event or events in your life, thinking that girls get better treatment, etc. Claiming you were born as a crossdresser or it's "hard wired into your brain" is an excuse for why you crossdress. In the womb, we have no idea of clothing or anything in the outside world. We don't even know the difference between male and female until well after we are born.

The bottom line here is, if you believe you can't stop crossdressing, of course you can't. If you believe you can stop, you can stop. It might not be easy, but you can do it.

As for the analogy of stopping crossdressing and stopping coughing that somebody posted, that's BS. A more realistic comparison would be to compare crossdressing to biting your fingernails.

[Teresa]

Krisi
I have been through gender counselling and that is an accepted fact, yes I did have a traumatic event at the age of 8-9 but it just tied all the threads together that I was born with. There was no external influence and I was not aware of what drove me, I can't make excuses for something that I was unaware of , I had a strong male / female conflict and the female part was trying to take control, clothes were a small part of that equation. I'll say it again some of us are born like it , I know I'm close to the TS line. I have lived continuously with these feelings since that early age , no ebb and flow.
As for your analogy of comparing CDing to biting fingernails, it doesn't justify an answer !

[Tina_gm]

Sure, anyone CAN choose to wear anything. But that really isn't the point. The point I think is more about quality of life. What makes a person happy, at peace, comfortable in life. Choosing to stop is one thing, how it makes a person feel to not dress is another. If choosing to stop brings a person to a dark unhappy place, then that is not a good thing. The desire will not go away. External, say an addiction, a person when doing it correctly (for them) and given enough time, the urges will decrease to a point where they are not causing a person much if any discomfort. Gender variance however, that never goes away. It doesn't because that something that makes them gender variant is inside them. How to deal with it is a choice, that you are isn't.

[Nadine Spirit]

The bunch of you should ne ashamed of yourselves. Many folks call this a "support forum"...

Just do it and stay away from weak minded people who don't know you but don't mind telling you what you can and cannot do.


You weren't born a crossdresser, the desire to wear women's clothing is external. An event or events in your life, thinking that girls get better treatment, etc. Claiming you were born as a crossdresser or it's "hard wired into your brain" is an excuse for why you crossdress. In the womb, we have no idea of clothing or anything in the outside world. We don't even know the difference between male and female until well after we are born.

The bottom line here is, if you believe you can't stop crossdressing, of course you can't. If you believe you can stop, you can stop. It might not be easy, but you can do it.



Uhh.... it sure does appear as though you are telling people what they can and cannot do. So.... it's fine if you do it, but not okay for others to??

And where exactly is your support for people's opinions that you do not believe in?

As well, I'd love to see your SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH that supports your personal theory of why people cross dress. If you can't do that, then please try and understand that it is your personal OPINION.

[Pat]

Claiming you were born as a crossdresser or it's "hard wired into your brain" is an excuse for why you crossdress. In the womb, we have no idea of clothing or anything in the outside world.

You're confounding the symptom -- putting on women's clothing -- with the condition which is generally called transgenderism. The idea that gender is a completely external function used to be popular but as transgenderism gets studied more it becomes more apparent that there is a "hardwired" condition in addition to societal custom. Men's brains and women's brains are the same in terms of which centers get used for a given activity, but they are different in terms of how neurons are distributed in the various centers. Actual brain dissections have shown the brains of MtF transsexuals are strongly congruent with the brains of natal women and a 2009 study (http://press.endocrine.org/doi/full/10.1210/jcem.85.5.6564) suggests it's true for other kinds of transgender person as well. So it's perfectly reasonable to suggest it's a combination of nature and nurture -- you have a built-in disposition to it but you learn to express it by dressing in ways that society tells you women should dress because you wish to act and be treated the same way others of your gender are.

All that said, there may be other ways to cope -- if we'd do the research -- and it might be possible to switch from one expression to another that doesn't involve clothing. I don't know. I don't believe anyone knows at this point. What would be true, if the studies are correct, is that no matter how you cope, you will always have the underlying need to cope because transgender is what you are crossdressing is what you do.

Edit: Here's a 2016 Scientific American article that I kinda like because it expresses the concept of "a transgender brain" as opposed to a female brain in a male body or vice-versa. I think that's the way this will ultimately fall out -- we are not a mixed organism, we are an actual, correct, unique one. ;) (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-there-something-unique-about-the-transgender-brain/)

[Tina_gm]

A big thanks to Jennie here for trying to keep the thread on track, as it is a very important one IMO. This is a real life deal, and a common one faced by many of us. A wife or partner having serious issues with us, and how do we deal with it/ourselves. Jennie makes a good point about other possible ways in which to cope, exploring other possible ways to have the expression desired without clothing.... Clothing generally is the easiest quickest way to have the feminine expression. It lasts only as long as you wearing it. But who knows, maybe the wife of the OP might not be bothered by long hair, or body shaving..... feminine scents. I would bet against any of it, but who knows....

[Louise DK]

Hi Jessica.

First, it's Great that your wife has agreed to join you in the therapy.
From my experience with quitting, I think it's very important that you guys reach a compromise, and a level of mutual understanding of eachother. An ultimatum is not a healthy thing to have in a marriage, no matter how you try to justify it! To me it shows an unwillingness to stretch oneself a Little, to meet some of the partners wishes, needs or desires. Now that dosent mean that an SO should Just accept anything from you, but in a healthy relationship, you should be able to reach a compromise, so you both can lead a reasonably rich and happy Life Together.

As to quitting, I personaly believe that some may be able to quit for good. I tried, and failed. When I met my, then future wife, I didnt tell her about my CDing, but I purged everything, and thought that was it. And it was, for mine years I didnt touch a peace of female clothing, (unless it was to take it off my wife ofcource). But Life became an applecart, that I allways needed to prevent from getting upset. Because the desires to dress up was still there, I just didnt act upon it. And those desires were very hard to contain. Everytime I walked by a shop window with a cute dress or whatever, I didnt even dare to look at it, in fear of feeding the desires. At one time my wife bingewatched the whole Series of Rupauls Dragrace, and even though I wanted to watch it with her... I went out in my garage, to work on my hotrod, because I was afraid I might reveal that I knew just a little too much about it.

Anyway due to a series of events in my life, that you can read about in my intro, the applecart was eventually upset, and all the apples rolled off the cart, allmost completely out of my control.

I think that if you two dont reach a compromise, and you accept the ultimatum. Then for god sake, make shure you dont end up in a situation, where you will have to constantly watch what you say, what you do and what you Look at. Or your wife Will get upset with you.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

Louise

[Amy Fakley]

You weren't born a crossdresser, the desire to wear women's clothing is external. An event or events in your life, thinking that girls get better treatment, etc. Claiming you were born as a crossdresser or it's "hard wired into your brain" is an excuse for why you crossdress. In the womb, we have no idea of clothing or anything in the outside world. We don't even know the difference between male and female until well after we are born.

The bottom line here is, if you believe you can't stop crossdressing, of course you can't. If you believe you can stop, you can stop. It might not be easy, but you can do it.

As for the analogy of stopping crossdressing and stopping coughing that somebody posted, that's BS. A more realistic comparison would be to compare crossdressing to biting your fingernails.

No, that analogy was dead on. Coughing is a symptom, not a root cause. Even if one could stop coughing out of pure strength of will, you would still eventually die of pneumonia if the root cause is not addressed. Just like crossdressing is a symptom of a larger issue. Merely stopping crossdressing does not address the underlying cause. Hence the need for counseling. Am I saying nobody can ever stop? No. I'm saying that stopping or not stopping isn't the root issue, and if the OP want peace in her marriage and her life, addressing the root cause is necessary.

Your opinion on this matter is pure macho, self-congratulatory, "tough love" Dr. Phil BS, and in my opinion is actually dangerous. But then that's my opinion, and you have yours. We've both shared our point of view and I think the respectful thing to do from here out is to keep this discussion out of this thread. If you want to debate this issue further, start your own thread and I'll be happy to join in.

To the OP ... Sorry for the thread derail. Please let us know how it's going. Sending good vibes your way.

[Lorileah]

OK, back to the OP's thread of thought. Krisi gave her opinion. Others disagree. So the OP can decide. Therapy is an excellent idea, couples therapy is even more so. Compromise is easier than making yourself miserable trying to suppress who you are (for both the OP and the SO). I would just recommend that the choice of therapist be one that doesn't have a dog in this fight (i.e. someone you has a degree in psychology)

[Judy-Somthing]

I hope things work out well for you.

I've cross-dressed since I was 8, Purged in self loth quite a few times.

I cross-dressed with a few of my friends in my late teens but when I got married my SO didn't like it so I went into the closet.

I dressed about twice a month until I had children and at some point I had no strong interest in dressing and stopped for about 12 years.

Now the children have moved out and I've been dressing at least 3 times a month. Maybe it's just because I more opportunity to dress?