Reason's Not To Tell An SO You Are a Crossdresser

[kathy gg]

Go with me on this..again female perspective, not meant to personally criticize or belittle or anger anyone what so ever. I came into this from a "different" angle than most women. This might even be beneficial to those who still have time to be open to the woman they intend to share their life with in the long term.

And just so you know, most of what I have posted here is my interepatation of things people have posted on this forum and other forums and talked to me about. There was no 'one' source, but many that I have basically gathered through my years in the community.

I thought a myth/fact form would make it more interesting. This is not scientific and certainly not coming from a pro. Just my take on what I have learned from crossdressers and thier wives/girlfriends:


Myth
1) There is no information available as pertaining to my situation.

Fact: There is basic information. But ultimatly only YOU can explain your life story better than any website, book, or therapist. Only YOU know how you feel. No other person in this entire world can explain how YOU feel but YOU. You are the most educated, most informed, most fact-knowing reference for YOU. NO ONE ELSE BUT YOU.

Myth:
2) Crossdressing is something I can stop anytime. Once we get serious I will quit and therefore see no need to tell her.

Fact: Even if you quit or stop crossdressing in the long or short term isn't it nice to enter into a long term situation with all the facts out in the open.

Myth:
3) I only crossdress to self pleasure. I want to keep this my private stimulant.

Fact: Most crossdresssers start with that same scenario. Some build on that as the years go, while others don't. Wouldn't it be nice to just start out by sharing your sexual kinks, interest, and likes rather than take a chance that you will be rebuffed someday if you decide you would like her to be a part of it?

Myth:
4) If I tell her I will loose her. She would never accept me. Why take that chance?

Fact: Living in secret, having to cover one's tracks, and denigh one's inner self eventually take their toll on the most loving of marriages. Having to spend a lifetime surpressing and hiding can cause many extra stresses and depression and the need for anti-depresasnt medication.

Myth:
5) I don't even know what it all means. How can I explain to her how I feel when I can't even explain it to myself?

Fact: Some truth is better than no truth. Even if you are unsure about all the in's and out's behind this need, letting her know that there are some internal conflicts let's her decide if she is ready to be part of the solution, instead of a source of even more conflict.

Myth:
6) She'll probably tell everyone she knows or my family or my place of work. The girl is not good at keeping secrets.

Fact: Having some personal secrets in the context of marriage is crucial for trust for both parties. If an SO cannot keep the lid on how much income you make, how much you owe, or other private facts on your life trusting her with this is dangerous. Is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with, one who has no concept of privacy and discreation?

Myth:
7) She'll probably want to take me to therpay and get me to stop.

Fact: Sometimes visiting couples counseling prior to marriage is a good idea for those with many different issues to work out. Finding one versed in tg knowledge will only clarify that your need to dress is harmless and will most likely not get cured by therapy.

Myth:
8) What if she starts making a bunch of rules for me to follow? I like to do this my way. I don't need my wife or girlfriend telling me how much I can and cannot dress up.

Fact: Marriages are a balance of compromise and common sense. For one who likes a "lone wolf" approach to life maybe a life of marriage is not in the cards. Relationships require give and take. To always get what one wants 100% of the time indicates a need for complete control. Marriages are not about ABSOLUTE POWER given to one person all the time.

Myth:
9) I actually feel like I should have been born a female and sometimes hate my male body. I think if my wife loves me enough to marry me as a crossdresser then she must love me enough to stay with me once I start living full time or have srs. In sickness and in health ya know!

Fact: Many women who are comfortable with their crossdressing husbands are to that point because they know wigs come off, breast forms can be peeled off, and make-up scrubbed clean. Having to be viewed as part of a same sex couple can be something very challening and difficult for many women. While some stay on in same sex situations, some as room-mates and best friends, many women cannot handle the final change. Knowing the depth of your tg-ness is important to talk about if these are thoughts one is entertaining prior to marriage.

Myth:
10) I could never be with in a relationship with a guy. I love women. But sometimes when I am dressed I fantacize about guys. This does not make me gay, but I am sure my gf would not like this. Best to just keep it all a secret.

Fact: Having intense fantasy's that one might never act on are normal. Having a fantasy that one wishes to make a reality opens up many new possible problems. Many woman also fantacize about a variety of things. Being able to talk about them as a couple and find healthy ways to integrate those curiosities in the context of a marriage is not impossible.

Myth:
11) My girlfriend is too conservative/too religious and would never accept this no matter how much explaining, no matter how much compromise, no matter how much therapy. She is close-minded on many things and is not a very sexual person. But she is great in every other way and the perfect woman and the most beautiful. I'll NEVER find another woman this loving to me and this gorgeous again. Nothing will make me tell her EVER!

Truth:
Open minded, conservative, spiritual, loving, beautiful women who will not try to make you stop crossdressing, or even accept do exsist.

[Julie Avery]

I have my doubts about #11, but I love posts like this, just a chance for me to learn. Thanks.

[Kimberley]

Kathy,
Once again you have hit it right on the head. I hope that the younger people here get this and take it to heart.

The times have changed since we baby boomers were young and for the better. Many of us (myself included) have made some of these mistakes and are living with the results one way or another.

Please keep hammering out the message because if it reaches just one person, you may have saved a life. Coming from another TG I think it often gets dismissed but from you and the other GG's they have to take note and heart.

:clap: :clap: :clap:

Kimberley

[ronda]

kathy thank you this is very well done and has given me something to think about again thank you.:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[ChristineRenee]

Excellent post Kathy...this should be a sticky in tne M to F section in my opinion...and read by all who frequent here.:thumbsup:

[Wendy me]

thanks were would we be without your thoughtfull insight??/

[Mary Jane]

Kathy, this is a great thread for those whose SO's do not know of their dressing. This is why the GG's opinions are so important here. Thanks to all the GGs that are here.

[GypsyKaren]

You know, I hid myself for most of my life because of a lot of those myths, and now that I'm out I see how foolish I was. All of the things I feared never happened, instead my coming out and being honest has made me so much stronger, and so much better. I know one thing now, I'll always be open about everything, no matter what it is. The road of darkness and secrets is one I'll never go down again.

Karen

[Julie Avery]

You know, I hid myself for most of my life because of a lot of those myths, and now that I'm out I see how foolish I was. All of the things I feared never happened, instead my coming out and being honest has made me so much stronger, and so much better. I know one thing now, I'll always be open about everything, no matter what it is. The road of darkness and secrets is one I'll never go down again.

Karen

That should be an anthem. It sure sounds good to me. Life is short, and wisdom comes late.

Julie

[Laurie Ann]

Kathy great thought, views and opinions.

[Sarah Rabbit]

Well thought out.

Unfortunately like all of the posters I like to read, you have to many to back track. All the best and keep them comming

Hug, Sarah R :bunny: (Ohh Please, please. could the administrator please put this bunny on the 1st smiley page. It would be so much easier:D )

[TGMarla]

Thanks, Kathy, for taking so much time an insight to contribute like you do. I like your points of view. I'm sure that anyone here can see their own situations somewhere in these reflections.

Very cool. :cool:

[Cathy Anderson]

Hi Kathy,

Thanks for your post. It's clear you've put some thought into it.

Let me preface my remarks by saying:

1. I think honesty is best *in general*, but I can imagine extenuating circumstances.

2. In the long run, I believe the answer is for a man to re-interpret his crossdressing to gain conscious control of it--so that it supports personality growth and is not a sexual fetish, an mere escape, or some other harmful thing. In other words, to cope with CDing in a way that he wouldn't mind admitting it to an SO.

Now for my remarks. Please don't take them as personal. I assume you have presented your thoughts as *theoretical ideas* and that you invite critical response.

> Fact: Some truth is better than no truth.

I disagree. A partial or half-truth is sometimes worse than saying nothing.

Also, one must consider not just the facts of a situation, but *how they will be understood* by the person told.

> letting her know that there are some internal conflicts let's her decide

Women might have just as many internal conflicts, but are less conscious of them, at least at the verbal/analytical level. (See Myth 11).

> 6) She'll probably tell everyone she knows
> Fact: Is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with

I think your answer is too harsh. It is commonly accepted (books, etc.) that women are in general less logical and analytical then men. They are more governed by feelings and less by rigid ethics. Many women don't process this violation of secrecy as an ethically bad thing. They just do it. If a man rejects women summarily for this he might have few gfs.

>7) She'll probably want to take me to therpay and get me to stop.
> Fact: ... Finding one versed in tg knowledge will only clarify that your need to dress is harmless and will most likely not get cured by therapy.

This is debatable. First, I have found virtually no therapists truly "versed in tg knowledge." There is no tg *knowledge*, because nobody really understands it. Self-proclaimed tg experts can be a bad choice, because they're pretending to knowledge they don't have, and have a lot of ego tied up with their presumed expertise.

Second, it isn't a given that crossdressing is harmless--not as it is actually practiced, that is.

> Myth: 11) My girlfriend is too conservative/too religious and would never accept this
> Truth: Open minded, conservative, spiritual, loving, beautiful women who will not try
>to make you stop crossdressing, or even accept do exsist.

Well, in theory. But that doesn't mean you meet them. Further, and more importantly, what about CDs who are already married to a conservative woman?

Cathy

[ashlee chiffon]

sometimes perception is reality, but we cd's lots of times live in illusionary contexts and reality checks are absolutely necessary to keep things in focus. Love your insights tremendously and thanks for taking the time to do this!

[kathy gg]

Hi Cathy

I know for any cd reading this who is already married this post is *almost* irrelavant to their situation.

This was written to sort of counterpoint all the excuses that men post on here as to why they don't tell. As I stated in the opening, I am no professional in anything. I just observe what I have gathered over the years. When my husband and I used to update our website I would write what I jokingly called "rants", this is the sort of thing that normally would go in that area. We just dont' have time anymore to update it, but I still write things. I just felt like maybe all these thoughts floating around in my head might help someone who is not sure about telling or trying to justify not telling before getting in a long term committment.

I think sometimes more effort is put into coming up with a valid reason NOT to tell than the time it might take to muster the strenght TO tell. And guys on here do love hanging on tightly to those justifications. Would it not be great if a 20 year old cd comes in here seeing all the reasons get KO'ed? That is why I wrote what I did. To let the single ones know those justifications, those excuses and such do not hold in the long run. It is very rare I hear a guy exclaiming how GREAT not telling has worked out. I dont' hear about how happy and content and totally fullfilled NOT telling is. When I start hearing guys say how happy not telling makes them in their marriages I won't have to write these things. If anything do you agree with that paragraph some Cathy?

So when one is looking back in hindsight {as a married crossdresser would } alot of things I talk about probably seem like a pipe dream or not a part of their reality.

When I posted this on here I sort of figured some people would disagree or think what I said is rubbish. And that is cool. I am glad you gave input. I stand by *my* thoughts and feelings. But I do respect that yours are different.

Thanks though for taking the time to read it and respond.





Hi Kathy,

Thanks for your post. It's clear you've put some thought into it.

Let me preface my remarks by saying:

1. I think honesty is best *in general*, but I can imagine extenuating circumstances.

2. In the long run, I believe the answer is for a man to re-interpret his crossdressing to gain conscious control of it--so that it supports personality growth and is not a sexual fetish, an mere escape, or some other harmful thing. In other words, to cope with CDing in a way that he wouldn't mind admitting it to an SO.

Now for my remarks. Please don't take them as personal. I assume you have presented your thoughts as *theoretical ideas* and that you invite critical response.

> Fact: Some truth is better than no truth.

I disagree. A partial or half-truth is sometimes worse than saying nothing.

Also, one must consider not just the facts of a situation, but *how they will be understood* by the person told.

> letting her know that there are some internal conflicts let's her decide

Women might have just as many internal conflicts, but are less conscious of them, at least at the verbal/analytical level. (See Myth 11).

> 6) She'll probably tell everyone she knows
> Fact: Is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with

I think your answer is too harsh. It is commonly accepted (books, etc.) that women are in general less logical and analytical then men. They are more governed by feelings and less by rigid ethics. Many women don't process this violation of secrecy as an ethically bad thing. They just do it. If a man rejects women summarily for this he might have few gfs.

>7) She'll probably want to take me to therpay and get me to stop.
> Fact: ... Finding one versed in tg knowledge will only clarify that your need to dress is harmless and will most likely not get cured by therapy.

This is debatable. First, I have found virtually no therapists truly "versed in tg knowledge." There is no tg *knowledge*, because nobody really understands it. Self-proclaimed tg experts can be a bad choice, because they're pretending to knowledge they don't have, and have a lot of ego tied up with their presumed expertise.

Second, it isn't a given that crossdressing is harmless--not as it is actually practiced, that is.

> Myth: 11) My girlfriend is too conservative/too religious and would never accept this
> Truth: Open minded, conservative, spiritual, loving, beautiful women who will not try
>to make you stop crossdressing, or even accept do exsist.

Well, in theory. But that doesn't mean you meet them. Further, and more importantly, what about CDs who are already married to a conservative woman?

Cathy

[carson]

Kathy, I agree with you. From my experience though, I'm not too sure about #11. My ex comes from a very conservative upper class background. I don't know if she herself could have ever been accepting, but the embarssement she fears from her social and professional world if anyone found out keeps her from being accepting. On the other hand, she did find out the hard way many years into our relationship. I know that makes acceptance harder. I told my new GF about my crossdressing on our first date. She appreciated that and considers it a non-issue. She is wonderfully accepting and supportive!:) :thumbsup:

[Barb Valentine]

Hi Kathy
very nicely put
gives me something to think about

[Bridget]

As for number 11, open minded and conservative just don't seem to fit. However, I was listening to NPR several months ago and there are varying degrees of liberal, conservative and moderate. But the majority of women conservatives fit the category of social security and welfare supportive, essentially fiscally liberal, while conservatively moral.

From my perspective though, many girls my age, while very liberal, and supportive of a CD lifestyle, would never ever enter a relationship with one. I was almost in a relationship with a girl, but when I told her, she began to assert that we were just friends, and also sort of avoided me. Personally, I attribute this to several things, they worry that it would make them gay (if you are particularly convincing) and that it will make them look weird in front of their peers.

This creates the dillemma. Do you tell them when you meet them early on, and let whatever preconceived notions they have drive their opinion about you, or do you tell later, when they'll feel betrayed for you keeping a secret. Perhaps there is a golden mean of the two where you're still finding out about eachother's personalities and such, yet there's already chemistry between the two of you, where she wants a committed relationship or something.

Shrug.

Pertaining to therapists, not all therapists are alike. And it's bound to color the therapy sessions. So results may vary.

Otherwise, good points. Although I have trouble meeting girls without CDing complicating things... vv;

[annekathleen]

She'd finally figure out why her underwear turns up missing,turns up in the wash, back in her dresser drawers or why her intimates drawer is usually rearranged.

[kittypw GG]

Hi Kathy,

This is debatable. First, I have found virtually no therapists truly "versed in tg knowledge." There is no tg *knowledge*, because nobody really understands it. Self-proclaimed tg experts can be a bad choice, because they're pretending to knowledge they don't have, and have a lot of ego tied up with their presumed expertise.

Cathy

I agree totally with this statement. My husband went to a Self-prclaimed tg expert at a time in his life that he was very vulnerable. This was after he stopped drinking and he was trying to deal with all of the reasons that kept him a drinker. The whole mental health community also considers her an expert as well. But she almost destroyed me personally and our marriage. I was asked to come to a session which I did. My husband was to the left and the therapist was accross from me. She out right told me that my husband did not want his penis with a big fat smile on her face. My husband said that he never told her that but eventually she had him convinced that he was a women trapped in a man's body. He started obsessing about SRS and things got very intense. She even told him that he could start on hormone therapy right now and told him who to go to. I still have not recovered from the whole expirence. Now he says that he knows for sure that he is not a women trapped in a man's body. The damage has already been done and it is hard to go back after an expirence like that. You know, wether or not my hubby wanted his penis it was not her right to out him with out his permissison. This all took place after she saw him about three times. Bad therapist? you be the judge. I have found that crossdressing is really not the issue. One should work on self acceptance and self love. A good therapist will recognize that and work on the things that a person can change and control like anger, being a better communicator, accepting yourself for who you are etc.

Kathy I found your post to be very informative and helpful. You should be applauded for your efforts. Thanks for sharing. Kitty

[kathy gg]

Thanks and I wanted to comment on each response:

Julie...thanks so much...#11...I know it seems doubtful. Obviously I should have ommitted the word "conservative". Maybe should have said responsible or dependable, or honorable. Some other word that indicates not ****ty or trashy....seems alot of people think the oppisite of "conservative" is trashy. ANd well...most gg's I know who are acepting are not trashy. haha...little humor there.

Kimberly..thanks and I too hope that those who are not married yet will see some 'hope' in their future.

Ronda...thanks hun!

Christine...thanks so much. Vote on the thread ...maybe a higher star rating will help it get noticed.

Wendy me....awww girl thanks. I have nothing but positive vibes for you and your relationship!

Mary Jane: Thanks and glad you enjoyed reading it. :)

Karen...wow...I loved what you wrote..that should be your signature.....or printed on a fortune cookie! Thanks!

Laurie Ann thanks...you always are dear!

Sarah Rabbit: Thanks and I did not even know there was a second page of smileys....duh me!

Marla...thanks so much and hugs to you!

Cathy ...I did respond to your post seprataly, but thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

Cutebobby...thanks so much! Always nice to feel welcome here.

Carson...jsut so awesome to hear you have a loving and supportive SO now. Nothing but good vibes for you both!

Barb..thanks alot!

Bridgette...you brought up some great questions..that age old question..when to tell? I think that requires a new thread and I think I better take a break from thread starting for a few days..dont wanna wear out the welcome mat! Thanks for your comments and such.

annekathleen...ahh...adding to the list! Cool...

Hey Kitty...thanks for pointing that out. I know alot of people are very nervous about therapists. I suppose I wrote that because if a guy was saying he did not want to tell his girlfriend because she is a believer in therapy then that is not a good reason to NOT tell. With some trail and error one might eventually find some good help. I think you already know my views about what your husbands first therapists told him. No good therapists would have done such a rash move. Just as there are bad dentists and bad physicians, I believe there are bad therapists. But thanks so much for your comments and feelings.
__________________________________________
As I stated in the begining of this thread, I only wrote what I did based on my personal observations. Certainly not as any scientific backing or study or poll. I used a myth/fact format simply for entertainment purpose. I would hope anyone reading any "advice" from any forum would take what is written with a grain of salt. Use what you feel fits, discard the rest.

Hugs to all!!!!!!!!!!!!
:happy:

[Helen MC]

As I have said on several occasions I believe a CD should be open "ab initio" with their G/F BEFORE it gets to being a marriage. If she can't accept the situation that he crossdresses then it is better that they spilt at that stage, than make each other unhappy then have to divorce. However look at the case of Veronica on her unhappy thread. He concealed the CD situation for many years of marriage and the arrival of children and now grandchildren. He recently told his wife and now, after her apparently accepting the situation to begin with , she has gone back on this and now their marriage of many years is shot to sh*t and is likely to end in a divorce. This will bring unhappiness not only to them but to their children and their grandchildren. In this case the outcome (which adverse possibly could have been guessed at) was a very good "Reason NOT to tell one's SO that one is a Crossdresser!"

Truth is a double edged sword.