arbon
08-04-2016, 03:41 PM
For some time I have felt like I need to step away from this forum. That I need to move on and not be so connected to transgender stuff.
I’ve been here for about seven years and a lot has changed for me. When I came there was this hope that I would learn to enjoy cross dressing, and be okay with that. Hoping somehow that if I did this it would calm what was really tormenting me. It never worked. I hated how I looked, like a man in a dress. It was the last thing I wanted to be. I did not try very hard and quickly gravitated to the TS section which I connected with much more.
I copied my first post on the forum here. My introduction from 2009. At the time I was very messed up. That whole year was probably the darkest of my life as I tried to come to some type of understanding and acceptance of myself. Looking back I don’t know why it was so hard but it was. I was very broken from a life spent living to others expectations of being male – a boy, a man, a son, a brother, husband, father. All the while hating myself for it, feeling that I was living a lie. It was not who I was or wanted to be, but I was to terrified and confused, and alone, to do anything about it.
Slowly I did connect with others here through their sharing, and with others outside this forum. I was not alone. I picked up bits of direction from others. Changes came slowly. My transition was messy and painful.
Sometimes I was very cold, defensive, liked to argue with others here. I’m still that way really. I’m sorry for that. There are a lot of women I met here that I came love and respect, and that I am very grateful too, even if I was not always very nice or appreciative at the time of what they would tell me. I’ve made some of the best friends I ever had in life on this forum. Sisters.
So my first post here:
It might be better to describe my trying to accept myself like having a tooth drilled into without novacaine. Very painful and you just pray it is over soon.
I know I am not alone in that, and am not the first and will not be the last to struggle through all that shame, guilt and self loathing trying to find some peace on the other side.
I hate to admit I have tried most my life to not be one of "those people". And I have also been miserable most of my life. Go figure.
Then came last year when I made the tiniest stupidest mistake that involved attaching the wrong file to an email - dumb dumb dumb - and now a bunch of people know something about me which I rather they didn’t and I have sense lived in terror of little rumors spreading around our small community and getting back to people that know me, say like my boss or parents, and you know everyone else in little hick town USA that might throw a rock at me. Wife already knew and we have problems to work out - but at least rumors getting back to her has not been my greatest fear.
The thing is though, to get to the point maybe, I am tired of living in fear. After what happened last year I started hanging out on some of the forums like this and posting a little for a couple months, trying to reach some level of self acceptance. Then I got deeply afraid of it again and stopped doing that, it is more familiar ground trying to repress certain feelings, behaviors and living in denial. Works except then I just feel like I want to die all the time and hating life.
But here I am back again wanting to ge to a point where I am not afraid of who I am or the world around me. I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be who and what I am and not think evil bad sick person you are!!
I like this forum - I have been lurking around here for the last few weeks and thought I might as well give an introduction, difficult as that can be.... but, so, there you have it.
So did I ever find peace with myself? Mostly, yes. I don’t have the inner turmoil that I had when I came here. I don’t feel like dying all the time. I don’t feel like I am living a lie. I don’t carry the shame that I came here with. There is no comparison between today and when I wrote that introduction. That was the gift of transition.
I am not afraid to be myself today. I know who I am and I am not afraid to be her no matter what people might think. In that sense I am free.
That does not mean that I don’t have issues because I have plenty. I am not the healthiest person in the world mentally or emotionally and I know it. I go through lots of steep ups and downs. There is still a lot of healing to do.
Anyway, I wanted to share some thought about my time here.
I’ll add some to this when I have some more time.
I’ve been here for about seven years and a lot has changed for me. When I came there was this hope that I would learn to enjoy cross dressing, and be okay with that. Hoping somehow that if I did this it would calm what was really tormenting me. It never worked. I hated how I looked, like a man in a dress. It was the last thing I wanted to be. I did not try very hard and quickly gravitated to the TS section which I connected with much more.
I copied my first post on the forum here. My introduction from 2009. At the time I was very messed up. That whole year was probably the darkest of my life as I tried to come to some type of understanding and acceptance of myself. Looking back I don’t know why it was so hard but it was. I was very broken from a life spent living to others expectations of being male – a boy, a man, a son, a brother, husband, father. All the while hating myself for it, feeling that I was living a lie. It was not who I was or wanted to be, but I was to terrified and confused, and alone, to do anything about it.
Slowly I did connect with others here through their sharing, and with others outside this forum. I was not alone. I picked up bits of direction from others. Changes came slowly. My transition was messy and painful.
Sometimes I was very cold, defensive, liked to argue with others here. I’m still that way really. I’m sorry for that. There are a lot of women I met here that I came love and respect, and that I am very grateful too, even if I was not always very nice or appreciative at the time of what they would tell me. I’ve made some of the best friends I ever had in life on this forum. Sisters.
So my first post here:
It might be better to describe my trying to accept myself like having a tooth drilled into without novacaine. Very painful and you just pray it is over soon.
I know I am not alone in that, and am not the first and will not be the last to struggle through all that shame, guilt and self loathing trying to find some peace on the other side.
I hate to admit I have tried most my life to not be one of "those people". And I have also been miserable most of my life. Go figure.
Then came last year when I made the tiniest stupidest mistake that involved attaching the wrong file to an email - dumb dumb dumb - and now a bunch of people know something about me which I rather they didn’t and I have sense lived in terror of little rumors spreading around our small community and getting back to people that know me, say like my boss or parents, and you know everyone else in little hick town USA that might throw a rock at me. Wife already knew and we have problems to work out - but at least rumors getting back to her has not been my greatest fear.
The thing is though, to get to the point maybe, I am tired of living in fear. After what happened last year I started hanging out on some of the forums like this and posting a little for a couple months, trying to reach some level of self acceptance. Then I got deeply afraid of it again and stopped doing that, it is more familiar ground trying to repress certain feelings, behaviors and living in denial. Works except then I just feel like I want to die all the time and hating life.
But here I am back again wanting to ge to a point where I am not afraid of who I am or the world around me. I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be who and what I am and not think evil bad sick person you are!!
I like this forum - I have been lurking around here for the last few weeks and thought I might as well give an introduction, difficult as that can be.... but, so, there you have it.
So did I ever find peace with myself? Mostly, yes. I don’t have the inner turmoil that I had when I came here. I don’t feel like dying all the time. I don’t feel like I am living a lie. I don’t carry the shame that I came here with. There is no comparison between today and when I wrote that introduction. That was the gift of transition.
I am not afraid to be myself today. I know who I am and I am not afraid to be her no matter what people might think. In that sense I am free.
That does not mean that I don’t have issues because I have plenty. I am not the healthiest person in the world mentally or emotionally and I know it. I go through lots of steep ups and downs. There is still a lot of healing to do.
Anyway, I wanted to share some thought about my time here.
I’ll add some to this when I have some more time.