Finally Confessed all to my wife

[Teri Ray]

First my situation. My wife and I were living pretty much in a don't ask don't tell situation after she found pictures of me dressed as Teri several years ago. Yesterday she confronted me about my dressing and I confessed all to her. To say that this discussion was not easy is an understatement. But she asked all the questions on her mind and I answered as honestly as I could. I had a difficult time being honest and began to shorten the answers to her direct questions. Part of me did not want to let out my story. But as our conversation moved forward I found that I could not hold back the whole truth. I had little more to loose by softening my responses. So as we moved on I found myself answering her questions more and more candidly. It was not easy but I did feel some relief getting it all out. No more secrets and hiding. I found she also felt better about my dressing when I provided honest answers.

She stated the reality of my story was less offensive than what she had envisioned. So it appears that not being open as possible lead her to think that my dressing involved much more than reality.

She is not overjoyed by my dressing desires but it appears she finds dealing with it openly with me is better than my hiding it and having her be suspicious about what my dressing is all about.

I will confess that I do feel differently about my dressing now that it is more out in the open between my wife and I. She stated that she would prefer that my dressing should be more open between her and I. To the point where she thinks that my clothes should be in the house (not hidden).

I shared pictures with her and she appeared surprised and amazed but to my relief not disgusted. My fear was that she would find my dressing to be more than she could accept in our relationship. After our talk I believe we are beginning to find a way to deal with my dressing in a open manner that hopefully will make our marriage stronger.

I hope so'

Thanks for listening

[leannejacobs]

Hi Teri, well done on having the conversation, it is indeed a difficult one to have and I'm glad you had the courage to tell all, I made the mistake of telling the bare minimum initially and slowly but surely I got caught out with things I'd kept from her, she took some time to get her head round it but thankfully she's now happy to sit with Leanne for the evening, as for making the marriage stronger, if your wife can accept and embrace it, it will make a difference, it's certainly been that way for me and my wife, the open honesty pays dividends, we're very happy and I'm finding her acceptance growing all the time, she was having a clear out of her jewellery today and offered me first dibs lol great, lots of new accessories for Leanne.
You say you feel differently about your dressing too, I also had that, I became much more at ease with it and quickly progressed to wearing full make up, in fact I got my wife to do the make up first time.
Enjoy your new situation, just try not to move things too fast, go at her pace.

[cdinmd206]

So glad for you. Just remember one day at a time. Do not push her.

[Teresa]

Teri,
Eventually it has to happen I'm so pleased it went better than you expected for you.

To me it was like a millstone being lifted off my shoulders, my wife didn't know anything about my CDing so I totally broke down, I've never sobbed so much before or since. I tried to give her all the answers but I'm afraid the DADT wall went up and I didn't handle it so well. That was twenty years ago since then I've two different counselling sessions, the most recent being gender related. I was then in a better position to give her all the facts if she wanted to know, but she didn't so I wrote it all down and told her that when she was ready she could read it. At least now she understands and accepts enough to realise that I needed to be open about my CDing so I do get out to meet others socially once a month but she still chooses not to see me and hasn't seen my pictures, as far as I'm aware she doesn't know they exist. I regret there are still too many secrets but that's the way she wants it so I have to work round her, the compromise isn't an ideal situation but as far as she' concerned she still has a husband and a father and now a grandfather . What's important to her is despite my son and daughter and their married partners knowing they all accept it so she doesn't have to live with any fears of losing their support.

[Lana Mae]

You see, honest is the best policy!! (If and when you get to that point!!) Bravo for you and the wife!! Onward but at her pace!! Congrats!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Teri Ray]

Thanks all for the supportive comments. We will take it slow but sure.

[Jenniferathome]

This shows what DADT really is. Don't Ask, Don't Know. The last thing anyone should want is a spouse filling in the blanks with no information...

I'm happy for you that it's out. Talk to her as often as she needs

[AlyssaJ]

First of all, good for you on the long talk. It's difficult and can be downright scary but I too believe it is a must. From everyone I've heard and even my own situation, if your spouse knows a little but not all, they generally fill in the blanks on their own and usually with the worst case scenario. So being open and honest usually is a relief. Hopefully now with it out in the open you guys will be able to talk about it more freely in the future. Just remember, it's a process for her as much as it is for you. Good luck!!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teri Ray:hugs:, This sounds like the beginning f a special relationship ,
Now the ball is in her court, Just don't overwhelm your Wonderful:love:Wife
with this program...:daydreaming:...

[Krisi]

It certainly lifts a big burden once your wife knows about your dressing (provided she doesn't have a fit, leave, throw you out of the house, demand that you stop, etc.).

My advice to you is to take things at her pace and when you do dress around her, keep it low key. No six inch heels, no hooker outfits and makeup. Dress like she does if you can.

[Trysha]

I am happy it worked out for you. I'm sure for many that was not the case.
I think you have to really know your relationship, and the person who your
wife is, before telling her. If the marriage is not going well , than telling
her can give her a great excuse to divorce you, so walk that road with caution.

[Devi SM]

Someone (I know who but I prefer don't get in details) said "and you will know the truth and it will free you" (my own version) he was wise when saying it, but the problem is no everybody likes the truth, or everybody has his,her own truth.
I don't want to philosophy, but it's true.
In my case, everything change for good.
Now, I was one week alone at home while wife travel out state.
I did more dress, went to gay clubs, etc, but one great thing was to find myself with different feelings about the reason for dressing.
In the darkness time, everything was a sexual activity, just meet other cds or men to have sex. Now that changed. I went to those places and the feeling was completely different. I feel free of those low desires, not that I didn't wanted to have sex or being with a man or have sex with other cds but the purpose of dress was different to they didn't control me.
So one advice, don't let negative people seed the fear.
Enjoy your new life and keep saying her all the truth.

[Dana44]

Indeed it is hard to tell one so close to you. This is a good sign and work with her slowly. For when we do sometimes it works and it will improve relationships. It is great when one opens the conversation and you going from a DADT to this is incredible. Congratulations and good luck to you.

[NancySue]

I'm happy for you. I believe you too will be happy.
Since youth, I've known of my need to dress. When I met my "to be wife", I anguished over telling her. My final decision was to take that proverable "leap of faith", and tell her. We went to dinner and she could tell I had something on my mind. (Female intuition is scary). I started at the beginning, expecting her to run for the nearest exit, but she didn't. She was not totally foreign to my needs. After several long, deep, and honest discussions and Q & A, she said she'd be OK with it. I was elated. That's been several years ago. It's our little secret, because of our small community. She helps, shops, etc. It was the toughest but best thing I ever did.

[Teri Ray]

Thanks again for all the supportive comments. I will take things slow and at a pace my wife is willing to accept. I must say (at least for now) that I feel a huge burden has been lifted. I know I am lucky in that my wife is willing to make the attempt to understand this passion (which I must say I struggle to understand). Talking and sharing are so much better than hiding and assuming things may not be what they are.

I know I thought I was good at covering up the tracks left behind from my dressing. As good as I thought I was at removing the evidence there was always something left out in plain sight that I would miss.

I agree with all the comments provided and especially with Vannesa about feeling different about my dressing desires.

Thanks again to all in this forum for your wonderful support. Having a place to express our (my) fears, concerns and thoughts, with others, is a blessing.

[Lisa Roberts]

Wow, it sounds like there are a lot of us who had similar experiences. I had planned my coming out for years. When the time came it was a total disaster! Now after years of slowly coming out to my wife and some professional advice,my wife is about 90% accepting of my "hobby". I'd still never pass as a girl, but inside my feminine spirit soars!!!! I wish the very best for you, and as almost everyone has written, take it slow and easy. Stay pretty, stay in lace.
Lisa

[Karen RHT]

It wasn't hard for me to tell my wife that I like to crossdress, but I found it a huge challenge to accept her finger in her ears, "I can't hear you" response. Throughout our life together, I've tried many different methods to approach her about it, many different times. End result was always the same..."I can't hear you."

For her own reasons, which she still hasn't revealed to me, she accepted that I crossdress about 4 years ago. She has shopped and bought for Karen with and without my presence, she will make suggestions about what she thinks I'd look good in, and she even jokes a bit with me about my dressing. She has made it crystal clear that she doesn't want to be questioned by neighbours or others about my dressing, and she will not ask specific questions or even just sit and have an open dialogue with me about crossdressing. I still want to have that discussion, but she's not having any part of it.


Karen

[Trishpdxcd2]

Teri,

I came out to my wife over a year ago and the advice here is good. Just take it slow and know there will probably be times when your wife will have a hard time with it. My wife was very interested at first and we even went shopping together and she helped me pick out some clothes. But that was a little too much for her and she started having a hard time with it. I had just started shaving my legs at that point and she really had a hard time feeling sexual towards me and even told me at one point that she loved me but probably couldn't have sex with me. Fortunately I didn't over react and fast forward now it has brought us closer together. We don't talk much about it but it is a secret we share now and it feels so much better. I even bought a blouse with her recently and she loves to have me a long with her shopping. Yes, I wish we could go out together dressed but I won't push things. Good luck to you and just take it slow.

[Stephanie47]

Teri, happy to read your wife did not express a lot of negativity. Your bio has you at 62 years old. I am inferring from that age that you have been married for a sufficient length of time for your wife to realize you have a lot of favorable attributes. That being said, there are many many times a marriage will blow up and end even when the couple has been married for a very long time. Statistically, it seems there are many seniors heading to divorce court these days. When something is hidden from a spouse but there are hints, then the mind runs rampant with possibilities.

If you were truthful to your wife, and, she fully accepts the explanation then the only things she has to deal with is the reality of the situation...."My husband likes to wear women's clothing, and, look like a woman!" Actually, that probably a lot for her to handle, let alone deal with some "bizarre" sexual quirks.

If I was as fortunate to have my be more open than she is now, I'd be grateful. I'm sure other posting above mine have suggested to let her lead the way to further acceptance.

[Tina_gm]

This shows what DADT really is. Don't Ask, Don't Know. The last thing anyone should want is a spouse filling in the blanks with no information...

I'm happy for you that it's out. Talk to her as often as she needs

While I personally agree, some wives choose not to know. And they also choose not to want to talk about it. It is far from a perfect situation, I would never recommend DADT personally. In some cases though, I think it has saved or kept marriages intact. I don't think its the best option, nor should it be the 1st. Initially, it might be the best option while the partner of the CDer goes through their own acceptance. But in some cases, perhaps that is the best the partner can offer. The knowledge and acceptance that it exists.

I am not in a full DADT arrangement, but not all that far from it either. My wife definitely is not like many women when it comes to communication. Generally I feel that women are better than men when it comes to communication. Exceptions of course, and my wife is definitely one of them. I would say she is on the low end of communication period. I have never seen a person man or woman who is less curious in all things as is my wife. I think that is in part due to her upbringing. She was partially raised on a dairy farm by her grandparents. 40 years ago and in that type of upbringing, and I would say even among the rural farmer community, she was raised by more conservative among conservative people. The women, especially her grandmother would ignore emotions, and the men refused to acknowledge the existence of emotion. My wife and I had a conversation about this very recently in fact. My wife is at odds with herself as she being a modern woman in belief of equality of men and women, not like her grandmother who believed in women being in servitude of the men, but yet not having the communication abilities and comfort of them and not having general curiosity of things in the emotional realm, or even sometimes the physical realm for that matter. My wife generally does not think to ask questions, about damn nearly anything. Also, long emotional conversations are very difficult for my wife. While for many, especially women, they make us feel better, more empowered, more connected with ourselves and others, for my wife and some others, deep emotional conversations can be very stressful. As good advice as communication is, there are people who have to go at this in a real slow easy pace. My wife definitely being one of them. If someone on here has a wife or partner who is among those who do not do emotional thought provoking convos well, don't force them. It will backfire. Go slow and easy, not too lengthy and keep the subject to one or two things.

[Jessica May]

So happy for you Teri,
Its never easy to let it all out. I'm glad you can talk openly with your wife now and not feel the need to hide. It truly is a burden to keep it from the people you care about. My wife had her suspicions before I opened up to her and I think the biggest thing was that she felt like I had be dishonest with her and didn't tell her. Her concern was in the openness of the relationship rather than the dressing. All I can say is keep the communication open and always be as honest as you can. Congrats again and good luck with everything going forward

[Sometimes Steffi]

While I personally agree, some wives choose not to know. And they also choose not to want to talk about it. It is far from a perfect situation, I would never recommend DADT personally. In some cases though, I think it has saved or kept marriages intact. I don't think its the best option, nor should it be the 1st. Initially, it might be the best option while the partner of the CDer goes through their own acceptance. But in some cases, perhaps that is the best the partner can offer. The knowledge and acceptance that it exists.


My wife chooses not to want to know. She doesn't want to see me dressed, or even see pictures of me dressed. AFAIK, she's never seen any of my girl clothes, except those that may have been left out inadvertently. She doesn't even know my girl name. The only thing she wants to know is when I'm going out and when I'm returning. She also wanted someone to contact in case I haven't returned in the morning, and someone to remove all my girl stuff if I were to die. And this is an improvement from 9 years ago.

I don't have any hope of changes, but I've decided to live the life I want, but not as often as I would want.

[Lori_Lyn]

I am happy for you Teri and hope every thing works out the way you would like for you and your wife.

Lori

[Helen 2]

While I personally agree, some wives choose not to know. And they also choose not to want to talk about it. It is far from a perfect situation, I would never recommend DADT personally. In some cases though, I think it has saved or kept marriages intact. I don't think its the best option, nor should it be the 1st. Initially, it might be the best option while the partner of the CDer goes through their own acceptance. But in some cases, perhaps that is the best the partner can offer. The knowledge and acceptance that it exists.


That up there is what fits my wife and I to the T.
I was honest with my wife about Maria Elena -my full femme name- way before we married, as I began to realize she was the love of my life. We had many talks about it. I gave her the Peggy Rudd book 'My Husband Wears My Clothes'....it was not a taboo subject!

She saw me dressed during that time and once again after we were married for Halloween (that was a hoot) but still, 35 years later, prefers that I don't even talk about my other half, even though she knows its there. Sometimes she openly acknowledges me -like the time she asked me if I had a lipstick a little more orange than what she had because she had a soft orange dress and no lipstick to match, or the time she asked me to loan her black stockings because we were going to a funeral and she did not have any black hose -but all that and she does not want to see me dress.

She knows that I become myself when she is not around and other than the occasional 'be careful' nothing is discussed about my dressing.

Is this her form of acceptance? Yes.
Do I wish she would be more openly accepting? Of course
Do I think she will with more time? Absolutely not.

It's okay. Better said, it is what it is, and both of us have chosen to stay together and enjoy our marriage. Every spouse will manage this their own way and we need to be the ones deciding whether we want to live within the boundaries our spouses set. End of story....

[Mollyanne]

I'm glad things are working out for and the wife. One thing for sure, talking to the wife about what we do and maybe why we do it is VERY difficult. But honesty does prevail, GOOD FOR U TERRI!!!!!!

Mollyanne

[Teri Ray]

Updating progress so far. It has been nearly two weeks since my wife and I had the "big" talk. From my perspective things since the talk have gone well. We do occasionally discuss my crossdressing as an occasion presents itself. Crossdressing discussions have not consumed our conversations and I find we are closer now than before the talk. We did go shopping together for panties (for her) and it was quite enjoyable to share the shopping experience. She seemed to enjoy it and I know I did. I found it enjoyable to compare tastes and be able to feel open to express my opinions.

Still taking it slow and steady. One great benefit of our new found openness for my crossdressing is I now can be on this site when my wife is home and no longer fear she is going to be upset.

Thanks again for all your support and advice.

Have fun and stay safe.

Teri

[Amy Fakley]

What a wonderful update!

I remember vividly our first shopping trips together after having the talk with my wife. It felt like being invited into the clubhouse, LOL. It didn't take long before she had created a clearance rack shopping monster out of me.

keep talking! Don't let things go unsaid, and good luck! It sounds like y'all are on the right track! :-)

[Devi SM]

I'm really happy for your advance.
Something you can mention her is how good is for her to have a husband with similar preferences that enjoy to go shopping together because usually husbands don't enjoy spend time with wife looking for dress, lingerie, waiting in the fitting room while wives tryng different thing, etc. So it's a plus to have a husband that like the same things like wife.
For us now, it's a lot of fun to go to shopping.
I love to see her in the fitting room because our sizes are the same so sometimes, when I'm in male mode, she is trying things for me...then when we get home with our new treasures we start trying at home.
That was one of the opportunities that I used to start dressing on front of her...
Kisses,

Vanessa